Letting Go - Finding Hope through Al-Anon

Spiritual Awakenings - The hard way

2012-03-01T18:01:00.005-05:00

I has been an extremely busy week so far and for that I am grateful.

The previous owner, oh how I like the sound of that, came in a couple of times this week. He has gotten over feeling pushed aside and realizes it is time to let us do what needs to be done to get the business moving.

We had one of our long spiritual talks today. His church is breaking apart because their minister has a drinking a pill problem. His wife has forced him out of the house and he is living with the former owner. He told me the minister's wife took pictures of him to prove to him how drunk he was. Does that sound familiar to any Alanon out there?

He has been forced to go to AA but doesn't feel he is like those people. Does that sound familiar to any AA or Alanon out there? I hear, I am special no body understands me or what I am going through. Lets face it we are not that special our problems are the same human problems people have been having since we have been here.

He is losing everything and as we all know sometimes that is what it takes to see what the problem really is our own thinking. My best thinking got me here. I don't envy the great spiritual awakening heading his way, if he is chooses spiritual enlightenment.

From my own experience I have to endure some pretty major pain before I become humble and learn from my own mistakes. When I get to the other side I think "really God" couldn't you just send me a note or an instruction book. Do we have to do this every time?

Instead I have to get to the point where I don't care about anything. I am at zero an empty vessel waiting to be filled. It is the ultimate letting go where you have no answers or for me at this point not even any questions.

I feel bad for the minister and his family but we all have to work things out for ourselves. Nobody can rescue anyone. You might postpone the inevitable pain that someone must go through bur life usually catches up with you.

Postponing the pain inevitably postpones the spiritual awakening waiting on the other side.

I feel bad for the previous owner he really put this man own a pedestal. Another lesson I guess. Addiction doesn't discriminate and doesn't leave anyone untouched anywhere.

Taking care of myself - Changing of the guard

2012-02-24T17:52:00.003-05:00

I am happy to report with the changing of the guard here at work business has been brisk. I have had people just show up ready to purchase. It is very encouraging to say the least.

I had an opportunity to go to a kirtan tonight. It is a couple hours away at the ashram I visited around new years. It sounded it great with a lot of chanting an music but a little far and I would get back really late tonight so I opted out.

I have to work tomorrow and have a few people coming in to see me and an appointment after work. As an introvert being with people drains me and it has been non-stop all week and again tomorrow. I have been going home every night and crawling into bed.

I use to say to myself, what is wrong with you? You are such a party pooper. I didn't know that 50% of the population are introverts and that when we interact with people we have to have down time to recuperate.

I also have volunteered my home for a birthday party for a friend on Sunday. This is the other reason I decided a late night tonight might not be such a good idea.

I have learned to take care of myself and not to overbook. Say my energy for the things that are the most important to me.

Discipline - Do I need it?

2012-02-22T23:30:00.002-05:00

The word discipline keeps coming up for me this past week. I have always considered myself pretty determined but never disciplined. Discipline is for athletes achieving a life time goal. I was just strong willed and pushed through anything that stood in my way.

I never gave myself credit for what I accomplished. I wasn't achieving I was just surviving. I didn't have time for basking in the spotlight of self-admiration I had to get to the next thing on the list. Nothing was ever enough.

I didn't appreciate my own discipline and my ability to get things done until it was gone. With the grief I lost myself and my ability to make myself do anything. What I did get done was done by a ghost of my former self. I barely made it through each day and this went on for years.

During that time my spirit refused to listen to any gentle coaxing or not so gentle threats I made towards myself. I felt totally lost without this part of myself. I had to learn to love a person that accomplished nothing achieved nothing. This isn't easy when you have spent your life tying your self-worth to the number of things you get done in a day.

I think that was the point for me anyway. I finally got to a place of acceptance and told myself well this is the person you have become so get over it.

Now it seems I have returned, not exactly the same, but a wiser version of myself I have to say I learned some other things too. I have learned just how much you can do without. Just how many days you can do little or nothing and still survive.

Most things on the to do list can stay undone the world won't come to an end if you don't live up to your own expectations or the expectations of anyone else. I learned that the pressure comes mostly from me and besides food and shelter(food can sometimes be optional) you can survive.

I not suggesting that anyone take the same trip that I have but maybe just question the belief that everything on the list is so important. That the world will stop spinning if you don't meet your commitments for one day.

In my world I am happy to report that today there was some monotonous things of my list of to dos. I told myself I had to get them done and felt grateful that my spirit went along with it.

2012-02-21T15:55:00.004-05:00

I woke up to the sound of chain saws this morning. We have had a lot wind here and some of the older trees are losing their limbs. This is perilous to the trees because it strikes fear into their homeowners and inevitably someone decides they need to get rid of their trees.

It was a big one and seeing it lying by the road made me a little teary. I am a sad tree hugging liberal. Silly I know, crying for a tree, but that is who I am.

Maybe this love of trees is from the indoctrination of the 70's conservation movement. Us kids did our part to save the environment only to have it all go by the wayside in the 80s and 90s. I am glad so see we have come full circle again.

I remember the sad Indian Chief standing on a litter filled beach. Just the right marketing to make me a lifetime tree hugger.

Pedal to the Metal

2012-02-19T20:32:00.005-05:00

It is warm and windy here in the south. It doesn't even seem possible that it is February. I called friend and we went for a walk in the woods. I felt a tremendous amount of joy today unlike anything I have felt in a long time.

It feels so strange to be happy. I was actually skipping down the trail. I felt the way I did when I was a kid and had the summers off with little or no supervision.

I think I am closer to being that child of eight now than I have ever been since then. I don't worry too much about anything and I am impatient to get on with the next adventure. I have practiced being still until I am just sick of it. Lets just do something.

I know what you are thinking, what about your recent meltdown over the job situation. It is true I was tired of feeling like my life is hold. I wanted God to just tell me which way to go and with the owner dragging his feet I thought maybe it was a sign that I should move on.

He did sign. I am a co-owner of a business I have been running for the past year. It was anti-climatic after the stress of last weekend. The day he signed he hadn't even read it he was just stalling because he everyone was telling him to think about it.

What a difference a week makes the day he signed I was over it. I have been having the urge to just break free and start running as fast as I could. Do I really want to do this? Can I really make a living doing this?

When I spent the time a month ago writing my resume it made me realize what I have accomplished in my life so far. It really put thinks into perspective for me. I realized that if I could do all those things I am capable of making this business work, if anyone can.

My spiritual journey has made me realize that not many things in life are really that important. I don't just want a job anymore I want to do something that is fun and interesting. I guess because I am older I feel like my time is more important than the money. If I can pay my bills and do something that keeps me interested then I am in. Only time will tell.

It was a long week and I feel like I can finally move forward both in my work and personally. I am going to enjoy this pause before I put the pedal to the metal and get the business moving forward. I am finally officially behind the wheel.

Expectations - How low can they go?

2012-02-17T11:42:00.005-05:00

I was riding to lunch with my partner the other day and we were talking about expectations. I told here she would be happier if she lowered her expectations. She thought that was the most ridiculous thing she had heard. Why should she lower her standards.

I didn't really get into all the reasons why but I remembered how miserable I was before the program taught me about the perils of expectations. I was so self-righteous and indignant about how people acted and treated me.

It was all about me and every time something didn't go my way I took it as a personal attack. I knew what was best and if they would listen they would be better off. I had to learn the hard way that nothing is really about me. What a blow to my ego.

It has taken me many years to see just how self-absorbed I am, still working on that. I hid it well behind my good deeds and martyrdom. It was part of my facade to be the victim in my life. The regular people help to keep this delusion going by agreeing with how badly you are being treated.

This doesn't work with people in the program. No one lets you be the victim anymore. Besides it is really time consuming and draining to talk about your woes all the time. I had a lot woes and luckily my sponsor was a patient woman and would regularly tell me to get off the pity potty.

I can admit it is still all about me. The difference is that now I know that it is like that for everyone. We are the center of our own universe and like it or not no one is really thinking that much about anyone but themselves. They got their own universe to manage and I will never be the center of theirs.

How did I get off the subject of expectations, I am not sure I really did. Life is nothing but one big expectation and this is what makes us unhappy not getting that expectation met.

Our expectation assumes that we have the best plan and other people just need to get on board. Because don't they want happy like I am. How do we know we have the best plan, we don't.

I go straight to crazy and work my way back from there.

2012-02-13T17:13:00.004-05:00

I had a long day yesterday obsessing about the work situation and feeling like my life is on hold. I decided to just go with it this time instead of trying all my usual tricks to get out of it.

I have learned that there is no bad feelings just feelings that make you feel bad. They only feel really bad when I resist them by saying to myself that I shouldn't be feeling this way or that I am wasting my life.

That is what it is like to be awake without the barrier of denial to protect me from all my feelings. Sometimes I long for the days when I was unconscious running from task to task filling up every moment so I didn't have to feel anything.

This doesn't work me anymore. My journey has taken me to a deeper place where I am seeing what it is like to just lean into those feelings. Being OK with being human and vulnerable.

I stayed in bed most of the day and it didn't kill me. I am scared and alone and no matter how many people I talk to about it they can't make me feel any better and it tires me out to talk about it over and over.

It is normal to be scared and afraid when uncertainty is looming over your head. I have been told that I handle uncertainty pretty well but every once in awhile I have a total freak out.

I am over it today and decided to go to work and wait for the verdict. It is almost
6 PM and we haven't heard a thing.

I have gone straight to crazy and have worked my way back from there at this point. I can't stay in the fear place too long and I must gather my belonging and leave Crazyville and get on with my life.

Wishing my life away.

2012-02-11T14:05:00.004-05:00

They tell you to savor every moment but some moments suck and I wish they would just move on.

I feel like I have been in some weird holding pattern in my life. Since I woke up from my menopausal coma I am anxious for things to happen or really just for some happiness and stability to come my way.

The business deal is stalling and my fear is that it isn't going to happen. I know only a few weeks ago I was thinking about leaving the industry. Then I decided I could do both and now I may be forced to leave after all. Projection.

I am tired of so much change and instability and it came to a head yesterday. My heart was racing and I thought I was going to have a panic attack. I can't take it anymore and nothing seems fun or interesting to me these days.

That was yesterday and today I had two appointments and collected two checks. I had a couple of new people come in for future appointments. So life goes on even if I am ready to give up on everything. I do try not to take myself too seriously. Really!

In my angst yesterday I decided to retreat to movies and saw Chronicles. This is a very low budget Blair Witch Project kind of movie where the character carries a camera through the whole movie. I was relieved when it was over even if the last third of the movie was pretty decent. This did not relieve my anxiety.

I had to recover from the movie and went home and watched Ferris Bueler's Day Off and favorite movie from my youth. I pleasant predictable movie where the lens wasn't bumping up and down. I had a tuna fish sandwich for dinner and hot cocoa for desert.(not together that would be gross)

I am better today but I still feel like I am grasping looking for something I can not find. I am wishing to get past this period in my life but my fear is that I will always feel this way. Out of control.

That is what letting go is all about being comfortable being out of control. Trusting that everything is exactly as it should.

I will be distracted tonight I am going to a meetup.com party. The theme is chocolate. I am hoping to meet some new people and maybe alter my thinking or escape from my head all together. What a nice thought.

Enjoy your weekend.

Seeking Approval - Do I need it?

2012-02-08T15:38:00.007-05:00

I seem to be in a pretty surreal place today. Like watching the world from the outside.

I did some journaling on my self worth last night. Given that I almost had a panic attack over defending my worth yesterday. I didn't want to write I didn't feel like a voyage to the deep. I did it anyway. It was helpful to identify where the idea that I am not worthy came from and it is just an idea in my head.

I thought I had stopped letting the opinions of others affect me but wanting recognition is really the same thing. If you want the praise and appreciation it isn't given, you are giving the person the same power. See me, look at me, validate me.

If someone says your great then your great if they say you aren't then they are wrong. If they say nothing at all it leaves a longing that makes you want to try harder. I found in my journaling that the important people in my life never or rarely give approval.

Even worse when I did get that long awaited approval and it came with a critique or in some back handed manner.

This brings me to my greatest tool, the mirror. I had to ask myself, do I withhold praise myself? Do I critique along with praise? The answer is yes. I can honestly say I don't do the backhanded compliment but I am an natural critic always looking to improve. You spot it you got it as they say in the program.

Am I suppose to be mature enough to go through life without praise and validation? If I am not going to take criticism seriously I can't take praise seriously either.

I think I have to say yes. I have to do my best and take both praise and criticism with a grain of salt. Everyone is entitled to their own truth but I don't have to see it their way or convince them of mine.

I can listen and decide whether anything they are saying is true without defense. If I don't take it as an attack I can make changes the will make me a better person. If I can't find anything of value I can decide that it is just another view and move on, holding no resentments.

The situation with the customer taught me something. First the lesson of self-worth and second that I need to be clearer about my fees and send invoices in a timely manner. So this was a good thing for me to experience and I am grateful.

Selling myself short - What am I worth?

2012-02-07T11:49:00.008-05:00

Reinforce a sense of sovereignty within yourself, despite any self-limiting beliefs, habits or appearances to the contrary.

The above is from one of my daily readings. Fake it until you make it my friend that is the word today anyway.

I have always struggled with my own value. What I bring to the table and I am not sure if that is because I have lived most of my life without any positive feedback or is it because I somehow think it is bad to toot your own horn.

As I have mentioned before I am a worker bee stealth in my actions. Working for the personal enjoyment of producing and completing a project. This has hurt me in the past because until I am gone no one realizes just how much I was doing. This is true in my personal and professional life and I am not sure what to do about it.

The idea of worth keeps coming up for me. I sent an invoice to a customer who wants me to justify the work I completed for her in writing. This is how design is and once a project is finished some people discount the value.

It feels personal and takes me back to the part of myself that thinks maybe I am not worth it. I am once again trying to get my self-worth from other people. If I don't believe I am worthy how can I expect anyone else to.

I can feel a shift within. It has be slow but after a year of scraping by I feel I am starting to come to terms with this and to stop selling myself short. I really have nothing to lose if no one wants to pay me then at least I will be free to do something else with my time. Instead of doing work I am not getting paid for.

It comes down to some basic desires. I want people to love and appreciate me. I want them to value the work I put into creating a lovely space.

In the words of Byron Katey, turn that around, I need to love and appreciate myself. I need to value the work I put into creating a lovely space.

How do I convince myself that I am worth it?

Picture: collegecandy.com

Trusting myself - Commitment Phobe

2012-02-02T17:48:00.003-05:00

Tomorrow is the big the day when the business gets signed over to us. Maybe. It all depends on whether the owner agrees to the terms. I feel both excited and terrified at the same time.

Granted I have prepared a resume to hunt for a new job in an old career but I am moving forward with this at the same time. The uncertainty I see in everything is a reflection on my own inner inability to commit.

I have a hard time with commitment because once I am in it might be decades before I resurface. This is my story if I choose to believe it. So I am straddling the fence per say while moving forward at the same time.

I know myself well enough to see that I am pretending not to commit leaving the door open so I can run off at any moment. Have I ever done that planned an escape route or ran off. Nope not ever.

I have documents in a folder with my name on a new corporation. Scary stuff that sounds like commitment to me. I am still pretending.

I keep thinking that if I am not suppose to do this he will not sign those papers tomorrow. I am trusting in God and my own process for working through this and I will listen carefully to my gut tomorrow.

I want to be free and if we can make a success of this business I will have freedom. If I don't focus on all the things that could go wrong or the mountain of obstacles my mind has made up this could actually be fun and exciting.

I will keep you posted.

Hey does anyone know how to remove the underlines that suddenly showed up on my blog.

Magic Words - Possibilities

2012-01-31T18:40:00.006-05:00

I have been dealing a lot lately with emotions and reactions. My own and a number of people around me.

Everyone has a different way of dealing with stress. I define stress in my own world and something I am not willing to accept. Whether that is the lack of funds or the behavior of someone I just can't accept the situation as it stands. This causes me stress. I just don't like what is happening.

My immediate reaction is to just dig in and refuse to see the obvious this is also know as denial. The length of this period depends on how bad I wanted things to go my way or if my slight belief that I could change the outcome. I say slight because if there is a shred of hope I can make that into a mountain of possibilities.

I wish I could by-pass this merry-go-round and shot straight to acceptance. It would save me some time and a lot of stress but I am stubborn. I believe that I can change things and sometimes people. It isn't true if people change it is because the want to and not because I said some magic words.

When I use to meet my husband, you know the one from 20 years ago, I would pray that God would give the perfect words to keep him from leaving me. I wanted him to see what a mistake he was making but he didn't.

When it comes to dealing with people, especially the ones we love, there is no magic words. Everyone is on their own path and sometimes we travel great distances together and other times just for a short while.

I am not sure why he has come up so often lately or why this post got so sappy.

Letting go is the name of the game and sometimes you have to just keep letting go until you get someone or something out of your system.

I see a Frosty in my near future.

Bad dreams - Staying on the path to peace

2012-01-27T14:05:00.006-05:00

The other night I realized I was dreaming. I woke myself up sobbing in my sleep. I didn't really remember why I was sobbing but it seemed like a deep sadness.

My life is stressful not in the oh my God I got so much to do way but more in the oh my God what is going to happen to me way? How am I going to survive? I know no matter how I seem in the waking world my inner world isn't buying it.

I use to create a lot of stress for myself by overbooking and being all dramatic about my to do list. Then I realized it was my list and if I wanted to have less stress I could put less on the list. I figured out that being so booked made me feel important and more valuable to myself and others.

Today I live a pretty simple life and float above the chaos that was once part of my own existence. Everything use to go on the really important list. Everything was life or death for me. It created the drama that I had become accustomed to from childhood it felt like home.

Over time I have found that not many things fall into that category for me anymore. I enjoy living this way until someone tells me what I should be doing or I look around and everyone seems so busy doing nothing. I panic momentarily and my trust in God goes out the window. I have nightmares in my sleep I am terrified that I have let go and something bad will happen if I don't take the control back.

It doesn't last for long. I lived the first 30 years of my life dependant only on myself. I was miserable and my life was going no where. I was busy for sure but it wasn't satisfying and certainly not joyful. I was on to the next thing and never really savored any moment. I lost big chucks of time this way I think that is the point. When your unhappy you got to keep moving or your emotions catch up with you.

I am back to being peaceful and trusting that all will be revealed. This week I am taking care of the little things. It feels life I am preparing for a long trip of some kind. I am ready to let go now and move forward in whatever direction I am led. A calmness has set in and I know I am not on this path alone.

Opinions - Everyone has one

2012-01-25T18:03:00.007-05:00

I have to remember I am right where I am suppose to be. Even if it feels unnatural to let go when everyone around me has an opinion about what I should be doing.

My sister gave me an ear full last night about getting my resume together and getting out of my job situation. Today we went to a lawyer to draw up the papers to get me into the situation my sister thinks I should be running from.

This afternoon I met with my retirement planner and he said I have wasted a year of my life keeping a business open that wasn't mine. I said it was necessary to get me where I am today. He said that that was just an excuse and the road blocks were just in my mind.

Meanwhile back at the bat cave the boy wonder, my cousin, was leaving me nasty messages saying he hated me and is glad the my husband Bob left me 20 years ago. He wants from his trust and I won't authorize it. Sticks and stones...

What is it they say about opinions? This is a long way from the beautiful Manatees I visited on Monday. Beautiful is a lose term when it comes to Manatees they look kind of like slugs with faces and a tail.

I am content in letting go even if no one thinks I know what I am doing. I do really.

One thing I know a lot about and that is me. I know how my mind works and the emotional process I have to go through to make decisions. I might take longer than others but when I reach a conclusion I will rise to the occasion and kick some butt.

I am floating today somewhere between trusting myself and God and the opinions of others. I feel pretty good actually and I will come out ahead, I always do.

According to the Chinese horoscope I am a Tiger and regularly wait in the brush until I am ready to ponce or sometimes I might fall asleep and miss the whole thing.

We shall see.

Being happy with the ordinary.

2012-01-22T20:53:00.005-05:00

I started my weekend last night with friends celebrating the Vietnamese New Year. The year of the dragon which doesn't come around but every 60 years. We had fresh spring rolls and various yummy food.

Today it was 80 degrees and I decided to put my running shoes on and go for a run walk. I didn't want to make a big deal about it so I just threw on some old jeans and head out the door. Sometimes if I think too much about preparing to do something I can talk myself right out of it.

What should I wear? What route will I take? Where is my ipod? Is it charged? Instead I threw on my loose jeans, my shoes and t-shirt and I hit road. I just started walking and when the spirit moved me I ran.

It was freeing and I covered about four miles. I live near the river and stopped a community dock where a number of people were fishing. While I stood looking at the water a woman pulled in a 10" catfish and a man hooked an eel but it got away.

I haven't been out in my neighborhood really since I have lived here. Being in darkness I have missed a lot and it feels like I am seeing everything for the first. I did see a woman coming out of house that I actually looked at before I bought the one that I am in now. I said hello and moved on.

I really liked the house it was built by a famous architect and was diamond in the rough. The woman selling it hadn't updated since it was new and it needed more time and money than I had to bring it back to life.

It is located in the neighborhood next to mine where some of the houses are on the river and are maintained beautifully. The rest of the area is nice but is dotted with vacant homes some in serious disrepair. Many were vacant and it made me sad to think how many lives have changed these past few years but life go goes on and we adapt and wait for time to work things out.

I am wrapping up my weekend by rising at 6 am to make a trip south to see the migration of the manatees. It should be a real treat if I can keep my eyes open.

I going with the flow these days and letting go of the outcome. It was nice to just have a ordinary fun weekend.

Am I good enough? Fake it until you make it.

2012-01-18T21:04:00.006-05:00

What am I afraid of? I stayed home today from the office to work on my resume and somehow I can't summon the courage to put my work life on paper. Is it because I am afraid I might actually get a job or is because I am afraid I might not have what it takes to go back to corporate life.

I am older but I am wiser. I am reliable and a really hard worker. I know my strengths and my weakness but am I good enough for the real world?

When I lost my job at the mortgage company when I was 40 I didn't know what I was going to do. I was middle manager working 60-70 hours a week and really burned out.

I decided to go to college for the first time in my life. I was afraid then too. I hadn't looked at a text book in over twenty years I wasn't sure I was smart enough even though I was a success in my profession.

How is it that no matter what success you have in life it isn't good enough. There is that thought that we don't really have what it takes to make the next move.

I got my degree and graduated with a high grade point average. I did have to take some prep classes but I did it. I was the oldest in my Algebra II class but I made A's even if it took me forever to finish the test. I did my best and it was good enough.

Fake it until you make it that is what the program talks about. Everybody gets scared it is what you do next that matters. This is what I keep telling myself.

Donuts and Drivers

2012-01-13T14:58:00.004-05:00

We went to our seminar on the science of selling some really good information about what people are looking for from their sales person. They talked about the four different types of buying personalities and how it is easier to sell someone that is your same personality.

I was surprised to find that I am the Driver personality only interested in the bottom line. Best price for the quality of product I have already chosen. There was the Artist just interested in the looks and the latest greatest thing. The Manager who wants to know how the process will work and how smoothly things will go and finally the Engineer who want to know how everything is made down to the last detail.

I asked the question, what about couples and he didn't really have a good answer, because there is not one. You do the best you can to identify who is really making the decisions.

I saw myself as the Manager and was pretty sure I was right until I took the test. I had absolutely no characteristics of the Manager. Zero. I was split pretty evenly between the three remaining types. The Driver a little stronger.

After the test I looked the at the statements that pertained to the Manager. Nope I am not one of those.

It just goes to show how our own perception of even ourselves can be skewed. Imagine how wrong we can be about others. Less judgement on my part is what I got out of it.

The trip home, with my soon to be new business partner, was nice. We did a little bonding and stopped at Krispy Kreme and ate hot donuts. It was the perfect ending to our two day trip.

Chocolate Frostys - Dinosaurs and Love

2012-01-11T12:02:00.004-05:00

I am peaceful today despite two calls of disaster before I left the house. Not really my disaster but something for me to solve. When the phone rings before I get to work it is never good news.

Monday, my day off, wasn't a good day mentally. I didn't feel like doing what needed to be done and I couldn't think of anything I wanted to do. Then I beat myself for taking life for granted. What a cycle. Why can't you just be happy? That is what I ask myself like that is helpful in any way.

I called my neighbor with the twins and ask if I could just come over an hang out for a little while. The twins and their older brother were having a lunch that consisted of dinosaur shaped chicken, apples and cheese toast. For dessert yogurt with chocolate syrup and blue sprinkles. How fun is that?

It did help my mood but after lunch it was nap time and it would be a little awkward to join in. Don't get me wrong the kids would love it. But I left and decided to drive to Wendy's and get me non-dinosaur shaped chicken. I was good no fries but then I caved and drove around again and got a chocolate frosty. My sister says a frosty can solve most any problem. Maybe this is a family thing.

I had intended to go to the grocery store but the idea seemed overwhelming. I have no food in the house and when I say no food I really mean it. But I couldn't make myself go. I headed back to house and stopped first at the Goodwill to see what I could find.

I found four movies. One of my favorites You Have Got Mail. Cutting edge for the time when people in the know had America Online as their email provider. I like the movie because it is about unlikely love that turns out to be a perfect match.

My perception changed at the end this time. I have always been focused on the romance but this time I realized that Meg Ryan character was starting over in her career. She had been trying to keep her mother alive by keeping her mother's dream alive. She didn't really have her own dream.

I feel like maybe that is what I have been doing with this business. I am trying to keep it going the way it has always been. Keeping the owners dream alive. This isn't necessarily my dream.

I don't have the energy or the desire to do that anymore. I am slowly letting it go. There has been a definite shift in me trying to keeps things together. Maybe I had to get to this point to see that this may not be where I belong.

The business is changing and my holding on so tight has drained the creative life out of me. Maybe that is what I needed in order to surrender so God can step in and get things done without my interference.

A true miracle

2012-01-07T13:19:00.004-05:00

A close friend called and ask me to join her for dinner last night. Really her daughter wanted to take a couple of us out to thank us for looking out for her in her absence.

The word absence in this case is an understatement. Her daughter is over 50 and is a recovering addict and alcoholic. She has had three years of sobriety which is a miracle. She has been addicted her entire life and has been in and out treatment since she was a teenager. We really thought she was a lost cause.

When her mother was diagnosed with Parkinson's seven years ago her daughter came to visit and hocked some of her mother's valuables to buy drugs. Her mom thought maybe the seriousness of the situation would bring them closer. It was sad for everyone.

No one knows why the last trip to AA worked for her and her husband. Her mother never gave up and worked her own program especially detaching with love. She encouraged her to call her every week no matter where she was or what condition she was in and promised her she would accept that call without judgement.

We had a long dinner almost three hours. The six of us laughing and talking about nothing important. Everyone there having a program and working it. She was making her amends to us and we were accepting everything as it was at that moment.

There is no guarantees in this world and we all know too well that recovery is one day at a time for all of us. She looked great healthy and happy and I was glad to be a witness to a true miracle.

Twins

2012-01-06T17:12:00.004-05:00

Nothing is real. This is what I have to remember and maybe a far out concept for most but I have realized the everything is just seen from my wee little perspective.

At best rose colored glasses at worst from the self-absorbed child that I am sometimes. I say that in the most loving way, really.

What I mean is that the truth I perceive for myself has been tainted. I have filters that I have picked up along the way that help me see things the way I want to see them.

This is evolution my friend seeing that I am not really seeing. Every time I face that truth I become a little freer than I was before.

Since I can't really know someone else's truth I have no choice but to bring nothing to the table. I always thought I had special powers for summing people up but then I found this was caused by living in dysfunction when you have to be prepared for anything at a moments notice.

I have been asking myself lately if I really need those skills. I will never know whether I made an accurate read on someone or if maybe my own negativity affected the way someone reacted towards me. Then I could be so proud and say I knew they were going to do that. Self fulfilling prophecy.

I was reading this morning about how sometimes people aren't ready for the simple truth and if they understood that they were causing the pain they are in it would be too much. I get that now more than ever.

The years of the program revealed things to me little by little. Then I would stop growing for a while, a plateau you might say, mostly when I didn't want to see the truth. I would rest and focus on others until I was ready to move on.

I didn't think it was possible to feel the way I do now. I still get scared about the future but the past isn't holding me back the way it use to. Who knew I could find a way out if I kept searching.

Today things seem clear to me and I realized that my monkey mind had me up a tree yesterday. Things are never as they appear if I don't react I can see it is all just and illusion.

Are my feelings temporary?

2012-01-05T14:28:00.004-05:00

My horoscope today said I am standing at a fork in the road concerning my career. I should make decisions based on the facts and not some future dream I might have for myself.

We are taking steps to transfer the business into our new company name. Some part of me is telling me I don't want to do this anymore and the other is telling me that the feelings I am having are temporary.

I heard a sermon not too long ago about accepting that a season has passed. Letting things go when it is time. Why do I feel like I am done here? Is that just me not wanting to do what has to be done or am I really done. The thought has crossed my mind that I might be trying to sabotage myself by not taking care what needs to be done.

I do this when I need to make a change that I am not ready to face. It seems a woke up a few weeks ago and decided I didn't want to do this anymore. I think I am losing it or am I?

I was reading some of my spiritual books last night and the theme of everything I was reading was patience. I am not patient when it comes to myself and the progress I am making or not making. I wish God would send me a little note saying hey you are doing the right thing, keep it up or you are wasting your time you need to move on.

Instead I am here just bobbing up and down in the water in my little boat with just one paddle. I am sure I will get the answers when it is time. Hey God anytime now.

I am where I am because this is where I am suppose to be. Once someone told me when you don't know what to do just do the next right thing and keep it simple. That is what I am going to do now.

P.S. I did go the movies yesterday.

Stuck in La La land

2012-01-04T12:34:00.005-05:00

I am suppose to be working but feel I am still stuck in La La Land. I thought that having time off would get me to a place that I could start facing what needs to be done, whether I like it or not.

My spirit has other ideas today. My mind is giving me the business as usual. What is wrong with you?

This is your life we are talking here, you got to get moving!

In my younger years I could force myself to do just about anything no matter how much I hated it for as long as it took. Maybe after years and years of this I have had enough. It is a little scary to be like this and I wonder it some disaster might be waiting for me if I can't get myself to comply.

I am not sure how to restore myself and get my spirit back in the game. I thought 10 days off would be enough but maybe dealing with my family didn't give me time to find any joy.

My mind is saying right now, just grow up and get your butt in gear. Your an adult so act like one. Everyone has responsibilities, why do you think you're any different?

So I guess I better go an tackle a few things on the list or maybe I will go to the movies.

Picture from Mediabistro.com

Weekend with a Guru

2012-01-02T21:17:00.003-05:00

I went with my friend and her daughter to an ashram for the new year weekend. I have been off since Christmas eve and doing a lot of traveling and thought maybe I should stay home. It is a couple of hours away and I wasn't sure if I could handle more time meditating or contemplating my life.

I woke up feeling pretty good. I decided to take some things to do if I decided I couldn't handle the agenda.

We got there at lunch time and then they had a singing and chanting session then dinner. After dinner the Guru addressed us and then we had cookies and went to bed. It was 9:30 and the party was over. Lights out at 10:00. I laid there in the dark for a few hours thinking about some of the things he said.

He had some wisdom which I could relate to these days. First he said the path to peace is too easy and therefore our ego will not accept it as the truth. First we have to decide to let go of the past and come to every situation fresh without baggage (my word) second have to let go of our vision for the future. This leaves us squarely in the moment a place of bliss.

He said we are divine children of God with only our own beliefs between us and peace. By uncovering those negative beliefs about ourselves we can be free and at peace. None of our opinions count only God's opinion and he created perfection. He said the ego makes us think that the path to peace must be complicated and we spend a life time search for something that has been there all the time.

Someone from AA (self identified) ask if you say we are perfect the way we are what are we striving for? He said that perfection is a man made concept that is unattainable and can not even be defined. Divine is as we were created not mans definition.

He said that working hard isn't bad but expecting a specific outcome causes us pain. Doing only what we love daily and the results will come naturally. If we do things only to achieve a certain result and do not enjoy the process it will ultimately harm us.

He said to be genuine in all your actions. He said sometimes we do things for other at our own expense because we think they want us to or need our help. He said that this will goes against us because it comes from a place that is not genuine. The example was in a new relationship being someone you aren't to please another and eventually this comes back to hurt the relationship and ourselves.

The above is my interpretation as I heard it. I am a working to rid myself of the past and have less expectations about the future. I want to focus on being happy living in the moment.

I liked being off the grid for the weekend and it was a nice ending to my time off. I have a lot of decisions to make in upcoming months. It is going to be the year of change for me but I am ready and believe it we take me to the next level spiritually.

Happy New.

The power of words - You didn't just say that did you?

2011-12-30T20:22:00.005-05:00

I wanted to write another post to let you know I have identified the reason for my sudden depression after the holidays.

I thought it was strictly chemical but it turns out it has to do with something my sister said to me. I felt bad again today and couldn't shake it no matter what I did. I finally called my sponsor today.

I was telling her about my trip to my sister's house. She knows her because for years I wouldn't go there alone. When I would visit it was like I was invisible so I started taking my friend and sponsor with me. We played the tourist so it didn't matter if my sister made time for me.

Today I was telling her that my sister told me that the reason my husband left me 20 years ago was because I was too much work for him. Before she said this she said I know you don't want to here this but. I didn't react and brushed it off at the time. She didn't know me then or my husband and really had no basis for saying that.

I believe my husband was an alcoholic and an adult child of an alcoholic. I was equally messed up with my own stuff and didn't have a clue how to deal with him or his anger. I was in my 20's with no tools to work with. I did my best.

When I told my sponsor what she had said tears started rolling down my face. Evidently some part of the what she said I felt was true. I loved him so much and when he left it broke my heart. It also saved my life because I went to Al-Anon and learned how to see how messed up my thinking was. Was it my fault he left? No.

My sister's words weren't meant to hurt me. Most unsolicited advice isn't meant to intentionally hurt someone but it can and does.

I have done the same thing plenty of times I am sure. I think it is interesting how the words of someone you love can hurt more deeply even when you aren't close.

I have problems reaching out because I don't want to be a burden to anyone. I don't want to be too much work. Maybe this is why her words hurt and even when she said it I blocked the emotions until I was home and felt safe.

It is easy to see where others have made mistakes even when you can't see the ones in your own life. Maybe I am too much work. I know sometimes I am too much work for myself. But that is my own business.

The depression has lifted.

Why is my mind trying to kill me?

2011-12-29T21:30:00.001-05:00

I am not sure why but since I got home I have felt pretty depressed. I was happy to leave the dysfunction of my sister's life and felt really good driving home but once I arrived I became really sad.

I spent yesterday doing chores and then went out with a friend for dinner. Today has been a struggle to stay positive about anything. The thoughts that were streaming through my head had to do with how I got here in my life.

This thought is a trap for me because I do blame myself sometimes for where I am. On my best days I can brush off those blaming thoughts but other times they take me down. Today I kept moving and didn't crawl back into bed like I wanted to.

The thoughts were still there telling me that this is how I am going to feel forever, so what's the point in living. This feels real bad and isn't rational. When I get into this place it scares me and I am not sure what to do.

Today I finished doing some things around the house. I got dressed and headed out. I ended up at the movies and saw The Girl With a Dragon Tattoo. It was violent but really well done and distracted my mind long enough to get me back on track.

On my way home from the movie I thought about what Eckert Tolle said about the ego and its only job being to keep you from being at peace. Why does my mind want to kill me? It isn't rational the ego mind and doesn't care that if I go it goes with me.

I get mad that I feel helpless on days like today and mad that I can't do anything about it. Will I be like this forever? Will I ever feel like myself again? The reality is my life is pretty good. But depression isn't about facts.

I have a lot of faith and know that this too will pass. One day, hopefully soon, my life will make sense to me. Everything will be revealed or maybe not.

Depression isn't something that is logical and you can't really talk yourself through it. You can say to yourself that it isn't real and it isn't permanent.

I will be with friends for the New Year. We are going to ashram for 24 hours. Cut off from the usual celebrations. Singing, meditation and yoga will be on the schedule. Yummy vegetarian food will be eaten and that should help my holiday expanding waistline.

Happy New Year. I will be glad to see this year go.

Flying by the seat of my pants - letting go

2011-12-25T17:47:00.004-05:00

I decided to take baby steps this Christmas. First I went out to visit my cousins house, for the day, where my aunt is staying for the holidays. It is an hour north and I figured I could stall for one more day the decision on whether to head to my sisters.

My aunt has been great to me and really has made me feel welcome. While we were visiting the men saw my tire was flat and promptly removed it from my car and took it up to tire store and got it fix. It is weird to have people someone look after me.

It was a nice day and on the trip home I felt I was up to heading ever further north.

So I made the choice to do something different this year and be with my birth family instead of my program family. Saturday I hopped in my car and drove north to my sisters without expectations.

I listened to Eckhart Tolle's a New Earth on the way up. It helped me to see how the fear comes from my own ego. Taking me back to my story. The story of my childhood and my fear on not belonging anywhere. Learning to be comfortable not knowing where I belong. Really living without a label or an identity. Can I do that? Can I live without a label?

With every label comes expectation. I am the little sister and I have to carry all the memories that go along with that or do I? They are my stories from my perspect and the details are sckewed by my emotions at the time and since then. My baggage. All my insecurities relived over and over in my own mind.

I got to thinking what if I brought nothing to the table. What if I acted like this was my first visit and didn't try to read anything into the words being said. Left my baggage at home. Untainted by the past. Could I do this? I could try.

When I put my ego aside and refuse to let fear make the choices for me I can feel free. I can let the past go and live in the moment.

So I am with my family of origin for the first time in twenty years. It feels pretty good.

Today my sister, my niece and I cooked all day. It felt good to be somewhere different and not a bit weird. These are my people. I didn't feel like I had to give my opinion or do things my way. I put my ego aside and let things flow.

At the end of the day we got a call from a young couple they know. They wanted to stop by with their kids. I laughed as my whole family turned the house upside down looking for things to turn into gifts. A little re gifting here and there.

My sisters ability to fly by the seat of her pants never ceases to amaze me. In the past this would have made me nuts and I would have sat in judgement. I have changed and can see it doesn't really matter. Live and let live.

I did a little of my own flying today when I made dressing of a combination of odd things from the pantry and a few stalks of celery from neighbor. It was was a success.

I have had too much bannana pudding and feeling like santa himself. I am hoping he brought you the perfect gift like he did for me this year. My family.

Stockings - Lower my expectations

2011-12-22T11:17:00.002-05:00

It can be hard to face what is especially this time of year. I sat on the couch last night and watched a friend of mine prepare stocking bags for her grown kids. The Christmas tree was lit and there was tons of presents under the tree.

I thought about a time when I put all my heart into the holidays. It seems so far away now and I couldn't help but ask myself, how did I get here?

I recalled a Christmas when I actually bought my ex something really special. A piece of art that we saw in a public place on our weekly bike rides. I hunted down the artist and had another made. It was the only Christmas moment I could remember after 13 years. When I was packing the house up it was the only specific thing mentioned that I could not take. I guess it did mean something.

I wish sometimes I could go back to the days when I was more unconscious and I celebrated the holidays with abandonment. The truth is most days I wouldn't go back for any amount of money because it was mostly just a cover for the pain I was feeling.

Now sometimes I feel I have lost my place in this world. I am not sure what my purpose here is anymore.

I don't feel a part of anything. I am going to see my family for a few days. The family I lost a long time ago. I don't know whether they really want me to come or not and part of me thinks I might be happier staying home. I am trying to do something different and trying to reach out but maybe it is too late.

I have made choices in my life that have led me to where I am today. It has taken me a life time to see my part in everything. I am grateful that I am not blaming others for my choices anymore and not waiting for others to make the first move.

I didn't mean for this to be a downer post because it isn't how I feel. I am just unsure of where I am going at a time when everyone seems to have a place to go.

I have places to go and I will act as if I belong when I get there. No one but you knows I don't feel as if I don't. Maybe everyone feels this way or maybe it is just a familiar place for me. The outside.

I don't take all these feelings too seriously but I can't help but but analyze them. I know they will pass and if I would just lower my expectations I would be happier.

Man selling his shoes - A way out - Moses

2011-12-20T10:43:00.004-05:00

The showroom is in a rather depressed area of town. 40 years ago it was the up and coming area but now it is more industrial and backs up to a large neighborhood.

We have a lot of foot traffic and often have people come by sometimes for hand outs and sometimes for odd jobs. I have never been afraid. Once a guy came in with a staff like Moses and our receptionist quit the next day.

Today a guy came in selling his shoes. He had a big Target bag and said they were pretty nice. He said no one will let him work and that he needed the money. I said I understood but couldn't help him.

He looked a little glazed over and I did feel sad for him but I didn't give him money. I have on occasion given out a few bucks. I am never sure what to do and whether if I give him money will he come back again. This has also happened.

I am alone here today and was expecting a customer when I went to the front. I made a quick decision and decided not to help.

It is easy to dismiss those in need and think drugs and alcohol but as we all know the need starts before the abuse. Some pain so great that escape seems the only answer.

I didn't have an easy childhood but it was easier than a lot of people had. It has taken me quite sometime to get over the past so I can imagine if you had it real bad the odds of getting over it are against you.

I found my own miracle in the program and I have seen miracles happen to others. It saved my life taught me how to unravel my distorted thinking. It made me realize that everything I thought was true was just my own perspective. If I was open to changing my perspective the possibilities were endless.

I had inadvertently labeled myself as broken and unfix able. Everything bad happened to me. This trapped me in my own story of sadness and abuse. I learned I could start over every day and prove that story wrong. I could change my words and eventually change my mind.

I still have problems but I don't accept them as just my lot in life. Everything is temporary and this too shall pass. I don't have to look for someone to blame or even turn that blame on myself. I can take responsibility when it is mine and let the rest go.

I am freer than I have ever been and wish for everyone to find what I have found. A power greater than myself.

Picture by Me

Does it matter if I am ready?

2011-12-17T14:25:00.004-05:00

I get the feeling everything is changing around me. Am I ready? Does it matter it is coming either way.

I get this feeling I am preparing for the next level in my life. The break through and breakdown over work made me see how easily I get stuck in my own thinking. My mind or ego goes beserk when I can control what is happening around me.

I went to my first real party last night in four years. I say real because there were strangers and mingling. The woman hosting the party lived on the same street I did in my previous life. Her relationship ended after thirteen years and she has a new apartment and a new life to rebuild. She has just started to put her life back together. Seeing her made me grateful to be further along in getting my life back together.

I remember the first months in my new house having my friends over every weekend filling every minute of my life so I could put off the inevitible wave of grief heading my way. It didn't work I had to go through not around.

Luckily not everyone has to takes as long as I do to get over things. She told me I thought it was forever. I said so did I. She said she was a relationship person and I said some am I. She said I hope to have another relationship one day and I said so do I.

That was two people at the same place in their lives summing up the whole heart break and hope of the situation in as few words as possible. We understood each other so clearly in that moment. Surrounded by loud happy couples but alone at the same time.

I don't know what the future holds for me. I know I am going to make it now even if I don't have someone to share my life with. It feels good to stand on my own again. I am not afraid anymore and that is the greatest Christmas present I can get.

I quit - God no longer needs my assistance

2011-12-15T13:39:00.004-05:00

My horoscope today said I am at the end of my rope and I should act quickly before it is too late. I should face my fears and not retreat to my usual mode for comforting myself.

I took that as not to blog which is my normal escape. I guess I am not listening. I have come to the end of my rope, this part is true, I have seen the light and feel I must make some changes.

This year for me has been emotionally and financially draining. I was glad that I wasn't awake for most of it but now that I am I can't continue to deny what is before me. I knew I had been just surviving but when I looked at the numbers yesterday it all came to a head.

In my life I have always stayed until the bitter end. I am loyal to a fault and the last one bailing out the water in the bottom of the boat with a paper cup. It feels unnatural to do anything different. I have been abandoned many times so I don't want to do that to someone else.

Two things come to mind first that I am stubborn and giving up has not been an option. The second thing is that I don't really know how to truly put myself first. Even if everyone else is doing just that. I would rather suffer myself instead letting other people suffer. I think I am stronger I can handle it better, I have found that isn't really true.

That sounds like my ego talking, saying I am stronger. Maybe I am keeping someone from standing on their own and learning only what life lessons can teach you. Isn't that where I have gained the most growth myself?

Either you have faith in a power greater than yourself or you don't. Either you believe everything is in perfect order or you don't. You can't decide that god needs your help and let go at the same time. I have heard that you need to do the foot work, really? Is that true? It is a trap for me I can use that to justify just about anything I am doing. Does God really need my help?

Where is this all going? Well I am going to have to find a mortgage job. I year ago the thought of that made me cringe, but I am not the person I was a year ago. I don't feel so desperate to hang on to really any part of my life's dream.

I don't think that in order to be happy something specific has to happen. I can just surrender and let god take me where he wants me to go. This time I don't have to be responsible for everything, just my small part. I don't have to be the savior or the glue that holds this boat together. I am letting go.

I went to a friends house last night and just let my emotions go. The tears just flowed and I didn't try to control myself. They were not tears of sadness but tears of freedom. I can see that this is growth I can let go and be open to the endless possibilities instead of thinking my way is the only way.

I talked to my partner this morning and told her I was looking for a night time mortgage job. I found a few with hours from 5-10 M-F. This would give me time to transition out of the business or help build a new business. I could still work Saturdays if I wanted.

I think my unconscious self is really running the show and if I am honest the idea of being free excites me. Customers these days are demanding and are always trying to get your expertise without paying for it. It is human nature to try to get something for nothing and I don't take it personally. They don't have to get it from me anymore. I also want some relief from feeling so desperate to close every job and to keep things going. I have felt alone in my effort.

Send me your thoughts and send me your prayers, if you pray. I feel good today. I feel calm and in good hands.

Picture Honk4joy.com

Family Fun

2011-12-10T00:13:00.003-05:00

I am driving to Atlanta tomorrow for a family Christmas dinner on my dad's side. I have been invited over the years but never went because I couldn't face the situation with my dad. Ironically now that he is gone I am attending for the first time.

In the past I didn't feel I could act like everything was just great and besides my step-mother was always their too. Too much to deal with and not really worth it. She might be there this time but now that I have found my adult self I can handle it.

She is really the final frontier for me. She was a mean an insecure person and her own daughters have issues with her. She planted some bad seeds in me about my looks and I can't imagine what it would be like to have her as your real mother.

Letting go of veiwing life from a child's perspective has freed me. I don't feel anyone owes me anything anymore. My happiness is my own responsibility. The child in me will only be used for playing from now on. No more longing for acknowledgement or waiting for someone to decide if I am worthy of love.

The void in me is gone for the most part, I never thought that was possible. I realize now that I will never get what that child wanted because the time has passed for that. I didn't get it because the people I wanted it from weren't capable of giving to me. My longing for it has held back. I have repeated it over and over with different relationships with the same results.

I have replaced that longing with love for myself. I have become that encouraging praising parent that I needed all those years. I am kind to that child within me and refrain from constantly criticizing myself like I did in the past. This has slowly helped me heal some pretty deep scars and I have moved on.

I stayed stuck because I couldn't see that I didn't need their approval I needed my own approval. Somewhere deep inside I didn't think I was worth loving. I had to earn love and I did, but it never lasted. When it was gone I blamed myself and knew there was something wrong with me. I was unlovable.

So I am a new person going to spend time with my long lost family. They have been there all the time I just felt more comfortable on the outside. I am sure it will be fun and the food will be good.

Frogs and Maturity

2011-12-06T11:25:00.005-05:00

I took two full days off in a row. I made myself unavailable only missed one crisis and that I have resolved already today. I feel better physically and spiritually.

Yesterday I chose to stay in the house because I have a guy tiling my upstairs bathroom. I am replacing the vanity and the floor. I decided to splurge and get this done because I want to get a roommate. The bathroom was carpeted. Yuck.

This is a daunting thought,getting a roommate, because I am an introvert but we will have to see what happens and who shows up. I think I can handle the right person. We shall see.

I painted two pictures of frogs yesterday for my neighbors kids. I have one to go. They are really colorful and funny. They will love it and I promise to post them before I give them away.

After my second trip to Lowes yesterday I decided to head to the movies. It was around 5:00 and I had no idea what was showing. I got a ticket for J Edgar and on my way to the theater I saw that Midnight in Paris was showing. I decided to change my mind. I had the theater to myself a private viewing and it was fabulous.

It was a great thought provoking movie. He is unsatisfied with his current life and has the opportunity to visit what he thinks would be the perfect time period to live in. Life is never completely satisfying no matter what time period you live in.

This was the weekend theme a clear message for me I got this several times. No matter who you are it is human nature to get stuck in a rut. I realize now when I am in crisis mode I don't have time to become dissatisfied I am just trying to stay a float.

What to do when there is no crisis to attend to. I think I try to create one not consciously but un-consciously. Maybe something small to give me some sense of urgency. I was thinking this might be more prevalent in creative people.

Since I have realized I have spent most my life thinking like a child. Waiting for other people to magically care about what I care about, which is always me. I want to do something different with the rest of my life. I don't want to stay in this waiting and wanting place forever. Constantly looking for answers. I need to find what gives me joy.

My spiritual search and program led me to peace but I want more. I want joy. I don't want to just be grateful that nothing bad is happening. It is good, after a crisis passes, to rest and restore but I don't want to fill that space with another crisis or bad relationship. I want to fill it with something I want, so I better find something quick.

First step, I joined a meetup group for artists and went to my first event Saturday. We turned trash to treasures. I turned an old lampshade into a cool new lampshade. It was joyful and lots of laughter and we were all playing. It was spiritual but in a way that didn't require any thought on my part whatsoever. Yeah!

Can I be mature and accept that life is just life and it will never measure up to the imaginary life in my head? Can I be mature and look for ways to keep things interesting for myself? Can I see that creating a crisis is just a way of entertaining myself and ultimately hurts me?

Feeling free and looking forward to finding joy after peace.

Picture from skiprade.com

Fourth Step - Taking care of health

2011-12-02T12:20:00.005-05:00

Things are a little crazy here and I managed to get sick. This is an old response to stress for me. I have to ask myself was it the sadness of the season or the fact that I never feel free to not think about work or both.

Since I have been in the program I rarely get sick. I learned it was ok to put myself first. Take care of my needs ahead of another. This is real maturity. In the fourth step Blue Print for Progress one of the questions is whether you go to the doctor or dentist for regular check ups. At the time I didn't do that I just kept pushing myself until I was so sick I could not function. I turns into an emergency.

My theory is that you don't really feel like you can take the time to take care of yourself. Especially when other people are counting on you. Your overbooked but you just keep pushing. Your body decides hey I need a break and takes you down.

You finally let yourself off the hook. You have no choice you have gone too far. It also evokes the sympathy of those around you and they cut you some slack. Pleasing others is a top priority for me in my business and I feel terrible if I can't do all that I promised.

I need a break more than just a day at a time. I don't really feel I can do that right now but I am getting to the point that I will have be ok no matter if I lose customers or not. I am not effective working like this and my creative juices are dried up.

Let go and let God a simple phrase that isn't so simple to follow.

Picture from Vivaboo.com

Tug of War - With myself

2011-11-26T15:16:00.005-05:00

I am little burnt out right now. I know this because I keep letting things slip through the cracks that I shouldn't. I am not my usual creative self and for some reason can't force myself to keep working.

It is good to be busy but I haven't been able to restore myself. I was thinking that going to my sister's house would give me an excuse to forget about work but since I didn't go that didn't happen.

Yesterday I had a tug of war with my inner child who refused to go into work. The adult in me refused to find something fun to do. At an impasse I sat paralyzed. I kept thinking if I catch up on my work I can get some relief from the stress I am feel right now. In my heart I knew this was not going to happen when the kid in me digs in no work that will be done.

So I sat there for a couple of hours refusing to work and refusing to have fun. I finally broke the stalemate between me and me and went to the movies.

I got in my car and just drove straight to the movies without any idea what was showing. Arriving a 1PM I had three choices Twilight, Hugo 3D and Anonymous. I opted for Hugo I figured it would be a little less stimulating than the others.

It is not really a kids movie. It was visually very interesting and the characters were likable for sure. It was a little slow and very quiet I couldn't imagine kids sitting through the whole thing. Even one couple in our theater just started having a conversation. I didn't care the kid in me was just happy I wasn't working.

It is probably progress to see that I really need a break right now. In the past it was easy to get lost in my work. It was all that I knew and didn't have much experience with joy or fun. I am working to find some balance now.

The truth is what I do most of the time doesn't feel like work. I still need a break though to get my creative edge back but the timing isn't good for that now. I will do my best and God will have to do the rest.

Picture from: nakedpastor.com

Today is the day

2011-11-23T13:22:00.004-05:00

So this is it, the day I got dumped four years ago. Sometimes it seems like a million years ago and sometime like last week. I am over the bulk of the emotions but today there is something simmering just under the surface.

I was feeling quite good last night alone reading some new art books I picked up and watching my new favorite show Parenthood. The perfect couple having a fight he was talking and trying to use reason and she was in her own head not listening and talking herself.

We never fought, this is not a sign of a healthy relationship. A lot can go on between the lines when there is not arguing. Relationships can die from disinterest or apathy. I really can't tell you exactly what happened. Not that I was without fought because I let sleeping dogs lie.

I did for a long time try to keep the lines of communication open but I grew tired of using my interviewing skills to get the emotional temperature of our relationship. I always got I am fine we are fine and why do you always ask me that?

I stopped asking and put the focus back on myself and let it go. I guess without my efforts to keep us tethered together the relationship failed. Just like any long term relationship we go into a routine that made us feel safe and secure. That routine ultimately turned to boredom and killed the relationship. Secure but dead.

Along comes someone that is new someone that thinks your the best thing since sliced bread. Your a star again the apple of someones eye irresistible perfect in every way. How can you resist that? So you start seeing the flaws in the person you have committed your life to and all the reasons why you shouldn't be together. You made a mistake and now your long lost love has finally showed up. This is your one chance for happiness so you got to be free and you lower the boom.

The day before Thanksgiving. You didn't plan it like that it wasn't on purpose. It slipped out, I love someone else. Maybe the alcohol was to blame but maybe it is just an excuse because you want to start living the life you have always wanted. So what if you are going to ruin the holiday for the family. You got to get the ball rolling. It is all about you after all.

So that is how it all came down. Of course I don't really know the thinking that was going on at the time and I will never know. As you can imagine I tried to get answers but I never got them. There is no talking to the dead and that is what it felt like.

We stayed in the house together for the next few days. There was no Thanksgiving dinner even though most of it I had already cooked. It all sat out until it wasn't fit to eat. I couldn't look at it or touch it. It was spoiled just like the relationship.

I went into shock that night and didn't come out of it until a few months ago. In the beginning I summoned all my courage and all my friends and to take care of the necessities. In 60 days I packed, bought a house and moved.

My heart is heavy while I write this I can feel the pain of those 60 days. Life is not fair and you can't make someone love you or even talk to you if they don't want to. I never got the answers that I needed in order to heal faster.

It was harsh it was thoughtless the way it all went down. But it is the past and I am becoming the person I was always meant to be. Every day I feel stronger and more able to face life and my dreams are coming backing. Dreams that I have always had for myself.

I have shed some tears today but that is normal. It was thirteen years of my life. I wasn't happy for a long time in that relationship but I thought it was just me. I had it all in the eyes of others. God does for us what we can't do for ourselves.

Will Thanksgiving ever be the same for me? Who knows I am thankful that it is not four years ago.

Denial - What I am not ready to see - Step 1

2011-11-22T15:54:00.002-05:00

I had a long talk with a family member last night and she is in a predicament. She young and her family has been living under the strains of addiction for most of her life. She wants her mother to at least acknowledge whats happening, but she refuses to admit there is a problem.

As they say and elephant in the room. She has reached an age where she can just choose not to come around anymore. To abandon her efforts and her hopes that that things will change. Her older brother has already made the decision to stay away. It is her mothers denial that makes her the most crazy, not the addiction.

I felt like I had to tread lightly because this is my family. I wanted her to know that addiction and denial go hand in hand and any sudden changes in assigned roles within the family can cause a fire storm. Maintaining an atmosphere where someone can continue to use perpetuates the disease. The habit of buffering someone from the reality of their choices just keeps things the same. If she decides to leave then she has to be prepared for upsetting the dynamics of the family situation.

I understand about denial. I was in denial about my husbands addition and how messed up I was from my own childhood. I was dead inside and didn't feel I deserved to be happy. I attracted my equal someone as self-loathing as I was and we were in misery together. I had been in survival mode since I was eight and it was the only life I knew. It was a perfect fit.

I think sometimes you think if you admit something isn't working then you have to be ready to do something about it. Maybe you just aren't ready to do the work. For me I just thought with time things would work themselves out. In the case of my husband they certainly did he packed his bags and left. Talk about being yanked out of denial.

Denial catches up with you or it kills you slowly from the inside. There is no getting around the what is there whether you acknowledge it or not. It is still there and with addiction it doesn't just go away. Even when someone leaves or you leave it has done the damage long before that happens.

Last night I felt I was listening to a sponsee and not someone so close to me. She is analytical and is sure there is a solution to this family problem. I thought there is where the pain comes from believing you can make people see what you see. Not if they are not ready.

So what is next. She wants an intervention where the whole family goes to counseling and airs all the dirty laundry. You have to actually admit you have dirty laundry for that to work.

I suggested counseling for her, someone with experience with addiction. Someone that isn't easily manipulated by a smooth talker with a quick mind. I said, start with yourself and then you can invite your mom to join you. A true Al-anon cannot resist the invitation to help someone else.

I didn't tell her that getting past thinking you personally can solve someone elses addiction is first step towards saving yourself. Admitted we are powerless... You have to experience this for yourself. I searched for a solution until I was exhausted and someone had the good sense to send me to Al-anon and I had the good sense to listen.

The miracle of giving up and focusing on your own emotional health. It is part of healing and taking the spot light off the person with the addiction. It gives you your life back and that is the true miracle.

Psychic - I can predict the future

2011-11-19T14:44:00.006-05:00

I had to get up extra early this morning for an appointment 1/2 hour from my house then make it back to the shop and open by 10. I also had another appointment scheduled at 11 that I was feeling like wouldn't go well.

The couple older but newly married doing their first renovation together. He wants to please her and she wants to be pleased. I went to their house last Saturday after a lengthy visit in the showroom. In the showroom he said very little and smiled a lot and when I got to their house he didn't really engage with me at all.

My spidey senses were tingling and I surmised that they wouldn't want to pay for the quality product and finish they selected. I do try to qualify people ahead of time by getting a budget from them and seeing what their expectations are, but with them I didn't. I find that it helps to prepare them for the cost. He just kept saying what ever you want honey as she kept picking the higher priced doors.

I think my ability to read people has helped me in the past, but maybe not. It seems like a good skill, but how do I know? I am just writing them into the story in my head and I could be completely off base. Maybe my egos need to feel I have special powers is really holding me back. Maybe I am just dismissing perfectly good customers on a hunch. Self-full filling prophecy.

The skills I learned as a child to avoid getting in trouble when my mom was sick. Knowing how to test the emotional temperature of the room before asking for something. What would happen if I didn't do that and just went about my own business and stopped using that emotional antenna?

This morning on the ride in I started to project how they wouldn't like my design or the price and I stopped myself. I ask God to let the meeting unfold naturally without me putting my expectation on it. I would do my best without worrying about the outcome.

What a surprise it went very well. They loved my ideas and actually weren't shocked at the price and then added some stuff.

Have I been wrong all my life, that it is an advantage to be able to read people. Maybe I can just wait to see what happens instead of trying to be psychic. It is a hard habit to break.

My first drink - A piece of my story.

2011-11-17T17:32:00.007-05:00

I talked to my sister last night and I don't think she was too keen on me coming for Thanksgiving. I didn't take it personally and was actually a little relieved to be free from obligations.

We have had an estranged relationship for many years both suffering alone without each others support. She left for college when my Dad remarried and didn't really stand up for me when the emotional abuse started. This is really behind us now and we both made our amends during our last visit.

I have built my life around the story of being the outsider. That is why I fit in with Al-anon. It feels like a room full of outsiders. I liked alcoholics because they seemed to fit in better than I did.

I realize now that we really aren't that different. I think they drink to fit in and to quiet the same ugly voices that us Al Anoners have.

When I first came to the meetings I was the victim and felt superior to alcoholic in my life, then I felt sorry for him. Then as I matured in the program I really started to see we were the same people. I just didn't have a liquid escape route. I was just as sick without any excuses at all.

I don't know why I am not an alcoholic but I can definitely relate to the need to escape. In the beginning when I attended AA meetings to summoned some empathy, which was in short supply at the time, it made me think about my own first drink.

I was 15 and life was unbearable at home my co-workers at Long John Silvers offered my a ride home. They really wanted me to buy beer because I looked the most mature. I purchased it at Kroger and we drank in the car.

I can still remember now the relief I felt at the moment the pain of my life dissolving away. The stress of trying to make my stepmother happy, she is still not happy. It felt good to let my guard down to fit in just for a few moments.

I don't know why I didn't become an alcoholic. The grace of god I guess, I had plenty of reasons to escape and after leaving home at 16 I had plenty of opportunities to become one.

In my younger years I worked in restaurants where there was free drugs and alcohol for anyone that wanted them. I did drink a lot and dated bartenders and cooks. That is how I met my husband. Once we were married I decided we needed to get out of the business, it was a bad influence on him. This is where my Al-Anon story starts.

Filling and killing time

2011-11-15T18:42:00.004-05:00

Acceptance is place I want to be these days but I can't seem to get there. The angst I feel has to do with thinking I should be somewhere else other than where I am now in my life.

Isn't this an age old human problem, never being satisfied. It is a luxury I know. If I had to spend my days hunting and gathering I would be too tired to think about what is lacking in my life. But with a protein bar in my stomach and work piling up on my desk I am taking this moment to feel unsatisfied with where I am in my life.

I know this is a time of thanksgiving and gratitude but I am just not there. I really don't want to make a gratitude list or think of all the hungry people in the world. Please don't tell me I need a gratitude meeting.

Don't get me wrong I have am thankful for a lot of things. But I am restless right now and nothing seems to sooth my spirit. Is it because at this time of year everybody seems to have a plan. I use to be the plan maker but I gave up and for that I am grateful. Ok, maybe I should start a a gratitude list. Yuck.

So I am drifting and waiting for these feelings to pass. My greatest fear is they won't and I will feel like this forever. I know I will get over it it is just that time of year for me.

My friend says just accept that I am going to feel crappy until this month is over and she is probably right. So I am riding it out and trying not to take my feelings too seriously.

I don't know you - Heroes and illusions

2011-11-13T11:21:00.004-05:00

I watched the end of Face the Nation and they mentioned the scandal at Penn State. I don't keep up with the real world much but the idea of someone held in high esteem doing something so low made think about how we really don't know anyone.

We only know our version of that person who we want to believe they are because that is all we have to work with. When we have heroes we somehow expect them to be better than average instead of worse than average. They are setting the example they are keeping our dream of perfection alive for us and we want to believe everything is exactly as it appears in our own mind.

We are all the same no matter whether our picture appears on the screen or not. We wake up and face the day. We feed ourselves and fill our days trying to get our needs met. Some of those needs are not so healthy and hurt the people we know.

I think about the people who know that something awful is happening and can't bring themselves to tell. I imagine the first thought is, what about me? How will this affect my life my family? They might tell someone or just let it eat away at them. Justifying they need more time to decide what to do.

You might say it is about the money but I think it is more about not rocking the boat and wanting to stay in denial. The bigger you are the bigger the ego and the more you have to lose.

You think you know someone because you work with them or even live with them every day and then you find out they are doing something really bad. You don't want to believe it because in your mind it is out of character. Obviously not since it happened. So you do nothing and hope by magic it stops. Meanwhile more children get hurt.

Lets face it no one likes a whistle blower. History has shown that it is usually the end for them as well as those they have turned in. We don't like our heroes tarnished because we need them to prove there is perfection out there.

In this case there are victims as we all know abuse has been around forever. Is it worse because in our mind we thought he was a hero? Are we mad because we were fooled. There are no heroes just people just like us with wants needs and desires.

We get up each day and listen to the voice. If it is a healthy voice we can do great things and if it isn't we can damage people for life.

Will I be missed? Fat chance

2011-11-12T10:15:00.006-05:00

photo by scottyyoung.com

I have a lot going on in my head these days, so what else is new? The difference is that before when I was down and out I couldn't really feel the emotions. I was in a state of denial and so the emotions were never dealt with in a healthy way.

I was sad and in a lot of pain but it was swirling around constantly I couldn't face what it was really about. I was dumped, after 13 years I was left for someone else blah, blah, blah .... Hey I am not saying it wasn't a big deal it rocked my world. It has taken me four years to come back to the surface.

This week I had a couple of epiphanies. First I took an personality test. I can't help myself I love that kind of stuff more insight. Anyway, my highest score was self-sacrificing, no big surprise really, but what it did say was that that is how I get my fulfillment in life. Anticipating the needs of others is second nature. I give but it is extremely difficult for me to receive.

Two things that stood out to me was that this type of person can be easily overlooked because they are stealth in actions. They do it because it is their nature and enjoy pleasing others. When they are gone they leave a surprising large hole behind. The other thing is that in their personal life they can attract users people that need to be taken care of, not a big surprise. It isn't personal just a good fit.

As a sat on my friends couch, the other night, looking at the street light outside I started to recall the moment of the break-up. What I felt at that moment and tears started flowing, in a good way. I could handle the truth and pain of what happen to me without censoring myself or trying to be brave. It felt like I was in a trance looking at that light and seeing every detail of that moment while the pain drained out of me.

When I love I love big. I put everything into making it work and it is my nature to take care of things and people. The sadness I realized just this week is that it feels like with all that I put into that relationship it didn't matter, I didn't matter.

The sadness is from thinking that I am not missed. That only I suffered from the loss. My own feelings of self-worth is really where this comes from. I don't matter to me.

The truth is I do make a big difference where ever I go. Whenever I put my heart into something, things change for the better. Sometimes in a big way. I was always taught to be humble and God would reward me in the end. Never toot your own horn. Pride goeth before the fall. But it is healthy to know your own self-worth and not depend on outside sources for confirmation. God given talents, right?

The truth is every body makes a difference. Do I think so little of myself that I can't imagine anyone missing me from their lives. I think I just want someone to say so. Fat chance.

I just want some fantasy call that says hey I am sorry I didn't realize just how much you were worth to me. That is not going to happen. I wouldn't be willing to do that either. Pride again. Even now for me to admit there is anything about that relationship I miss, is too much for me.

So will I be missed? I have to know in my heart that the answer is yes. That is what is important for my survival. I bring a lot to the table I commit heart and soul to everything I do. I can't wait for validation that will never come.

I feel so free these days getting the last bits of grief out of my system. I am closer to the person I was at eight before my mother got sick. I can see all of life's possibilities and everything is an adventure. I am going to be ok. I am going to make it.

It has a been a long journey back to my real self and I can't wait to see what is next.

In the weeds

2011-11-09T18:32:00.007-05:00

Artwork by DanaFrostick.com

I am writing right now in hopes that it will help me get settled. Things are all over the place and I really in the weeds. I first heard the term when I was in the restaurant business in the 80's. It means when you just can't keep up with the volume of orders coming in.

One of my first jobs was at a golf and country club. I had the breakfast and lunch shift and started work at 7 AM. We were all in our twenties and would stay out all night and come to work still half lit. The room held about 20 tables and within 20 minutes the whole place would fill up.

Breakfast is hard on a waitress (server). What kind of juice? What kind of toast? What kind of meat? How do you want your eggs? Decaf or regular? Hash browns or grits? I remember one time a man ask me three times for ketchup and that night I woke up from a sound sleep and thought, he never got his ketchup.

My roommate worked with me and in the middle of the rush she would sneak off and sleep in the women's locker room. This made me furious and it sent me over the edge when customers ask me if she could wait on them instead of me. One time I told them they could go wake her up that she was in the locker room. It only bothered me.

I have always been an over-achiever in my work life. Self-sacrifice is in my dna and I always loathed people that got away with doing as little as possible. You know the type always leaving early and still being loved by everyone. Flying by the seat of their pants and having so many adoring fans to cheer them on.

If your in Al anon your are probably not one of those people. I know it is just a generalization but this is my post and I can do what I want. The hard working Al-anon has their nose to grind stone and longs to be one of those care free fun loving folks with the cheering crowds. More generalizations.

Since I can't that person I now settle for being near that person. I find that is better to have them as friends than as lovers. One is amusing the other can drain the life out of you and leave you with an empty bank account. I use to worry about how they would make it but I have learned some adoring fan is waiting to help them out. I am glad it doesn't have to be me anymore.

So now I try to have fun myself instead of living through someone else. I can do it, really! Ok, it is still work for me to have fun but I can do it sometimes. I have realized that I am not an extravert or a thrill seekers and I don't really like loud parties.

I like to do things and learn things while I am doing it. I like movies and shows that make me laugh or make me think about the big picture in life. I live in my head and it can be very fun sometimes and more like a horror flick at other times. This is who I am and I don't feel guilty about that anymore.

I have also realized that I like to work. I like to accomplish things and it feels good to see a finished product. I love what I do even if right now I am in the weeds.

Chocolate and other therapy

2011-11-07T16:30:00.005-05:00

So I have done no work today so far. I had such a great day off yesterday and was so excited I couldn't sleep last night. I got up and roamed around the house looking at all that I have accomplished in the past couple of days. I even commented on a few blogs at 2 AM.

I am foggy today and can't seem to get motivated. When I am in that mode I end up writing. I produced a very dull post and decided to ditch it and try again.

After I spewed forth my weaknesses with Saturday post I got over myself and decided to do something different. I have gotten into the habit of going home every night and curling up in my bed and watching TV. This past week I added to the routine eating Hershey nuggets. Purchased on the slim chance of having trick or treaters. This was unlikely since I didn't turn the light on. This was not a good addition to the routine.

Lets just say a bag of chocolate and millions of hours of TV can bring you to a place where you are having an out of body experience. Luckily I am not clinically depressed so the low really was good for me and I thought to myself, you have to stop doing this. Really I mean it this time.

Saturday after work I ate the last piece of candy and turned the TV off and went to my studio. A few hours later I had three new paintings which I will post if I can figure out how to send them from my IPhone. It is hard to get out of a rut it feels so good so comforting and familiar. But a rut can slowly eat away at you and put on weight on you at the same time.

Sunday I got up and cleaned yet another disaster area in my house and then worked on a puzzle for an hour or two. Very funny puzzle with a million different cartoon characters.

Everything feels right today. I have a job, which I apparently do not want to do today. I have a house that is perfect for me which even has a studio. I am exactly where I need to be today even if I could have used a few more hours of sleep.

Even if I have to stumble back into the past occasionally I don't stay too long. The promises say, we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. I guess it is the only way to see just how far we have come.

Never satisfied - tweaking and breakups

2011-11-05T13:14:00.005-04:00

The hard truth I have discovered on the journey of recovery is that I am never quite satisfied. With life, myself or the people around me. Over the years the latter I can usually cut some slack but with myself I never really let off the hook.

When I stumbled upon the 12 steps for the first time they didn't really mean much. I was a zombie in those rooms with pain so heavy that I wonder now how I managed. I had so much baggage that no one could get close to me.

I blamed myself first for not being good enough to keep my marriage from ending. I came there to make myself a better person. I needed to understand why everyone left me. I used the program as yet another way to acheive perfection. Working towards a more lovable and worthy person.

In my mind I was never good enough for the people in my life but I just kept on trying to figure how to be better. Be more like the person they wanted me to be but I failed. Over an over again people left. In my mind where there is smoke there is fire.

Whats wrong with me? My therapists assured me that it wasn't me but secretly I didn't believe them. I had to work harder use my intelligence to root out my flaws. I was constantly trying to improve to shield myself being booted out. No matter what I got the shaft in work and in my personal life. I was replaced with someone more worthy.

I always felt sucker punched. The last time standing eye to eye in the hall me thinking, you got to be kidding me, are you sayings it is over? It was a drunken conversation which gives courage to the lips. I took it from there. You don't want me then I don't want you.

I have been reviewing my story the past couple of days. Both of my significant relationships ended at Thanksgiving. Even though I am over it the little person living in my subconscious brings it up around this time every year.

What is different about me now is that I realize that I can let myself off the hook. I don't have to constantly chisel away what I think is a fault or unattractive. I can be satisfied with the person I am. Really.

What I do know now is that, in the past, I would do anything to be loved. I was controlling the situation and thinking in order to be loved I must be who you want me to be. It was second nature to me. The only time I was true self was when I was alone with nothing to lose. Once I was in love I wanted to make sure nothing changed so I started tweaking myself to suit someone else.

My ex's would probably disagree with last part. This is where the passive aggressive part of me stepped in because the things I did were not authentic they had strings attached. If you didn't acknowledge and appreciate the sacrifices (tweaking) I made I shut down or rebelled in subtle ways. Just no fun at all.

Wow, what a confession. I have been a child most of my life. I have acted and reacted in the way a child would. I didn't know better. I was trying to secure the love and security I lost early on. I have been the chameleon that I have accused others of being.

Did I get anything from all the work I have done on myself? The Steps and beyond. The answer is yes. I now have to give of the search for perfection and work on just being happy with myself and what I am doing today.

You can't be who someone wants you to be because you don't live in their head and besides what we want changes minute by minute. So this time I am going to be myself whoever that is today.

It is harder than I imagined being myself. Not looking for others to validate me or give me answers. Learning to do only things for the right reasons. A different kind of tweaking this time one without strings.

I wonder - Live and Let Live

2011-11-02T16:41:00.005-04:00

I had a conversation with my sister the other night. She was exhausted and said that she has let everyone in her life know that she can no longer keep up. She has taken responsibility for the lives of everyone she knows and things have gotten out of control.

She is like me and very hard headed and thinks she can influence and possibly help steer other people in the right direction. I wonder if you can really help people or is it just a way to meddle in the business of others. Even with the best intentions is it really my business?

I find it difficult to keep my mouth shut when I see someone clearly heading down the wrong road. Did any one ask me? How do I know that the person doesn't need a train wreck to motivate them to make changes for themselves.

It is trap for the ego because a few successes perpetuates the need to do more.

It might be like those movies where someone changes some seemingly minor thing and it inevitably changes the course of history and the world comes to and end.

These days I have been trying to live and let live. This is what I want for myself and maybe I should let others have the same privilege. It isn't easy because it puts the focus back on me and that takes all the fun out feeling superior.

Don't get me wrong I still know what's best for everyone, I just don't tell them anymore. Just kidding, before I get too far down that road I try to remember God has a plan for them and he just hasn't informed me of the details.

Judging others is just a distraction from what I don't want to see about my own shortcomings. For example the other day I was complaining to myself about the office mess and I thought about my own office. Maybe I should start there it was just as much as a disaster but it was easier to see how messy everyone else was.

No one will ever live up to my expectations including me. My goal is to just be at peace with things the way they are right now. How to enjoy the moment and let the rest go.

H.A.L.T. - Finding balance

2011-10-29T16:00:00.003-04:00

I have been so thrilled to have my energy back that I have been over doing it. I have so much I want to get done that I can hardly sleep at night. Three years of depression and forcing myself to do even the smallest things I just want to make up for lost time.

As a result of over doing it I had a little bout with the crazies this morning. I didn't sleep much last night and got up early then I fed my neighbors dogs, got dressed and went to work. I hit the door running.

First I started cleaning the mess I made yesterday. I had a bunch of cabinets torn out and everything that was in them was sitting in the middle of the office floor. I am not good with too much visual stimulation. I had to get things in order but where to start when everything is upside down. It is like moving trying to decide what stays and what goes.

I was feeling a little manic an decided to call a friend. I couldn't find my purse. I panicked, had I left it on top of the car? Did I leave it at home? Did I leave it on the front counter and someone came in and took it?

I closed the store and got in my car and drove home. To my surprise it wasn't there. On the way back I started thinking of all that I would have to do to replace the loss. The time the money on and on. Then I told myself to get at grip it wasn't the end of the world. Then it occurred to me that I should have called my phone while I was at the office.

When I got back to the office I did just that and lo and behold there it was sitting in a chair facing the opposite direction. Relief flooded my mind. Why was I acting so crazy?

In the program there is an acronym H.A.L.T hungry, angry, lonely or tired. Covering most of the reasons for crazy behavior. I think I am 4 out of 4 today. The angry flared up when a mosquito was following me around the office biting me. I haven't seen him in an hour he must be on a break right now.

I am out of balance. This is always the problem when I have a problem. Old behavior for me all or nothing. It is a character defect sometimes and an asset at other times. I can get a lot done in short amount of time but sometimes I don't know when to quit.

I am going to leave here and get some food. Then go home and take a nap or watch some tube or both. I am taking tomorrow off to re-group and see if I can find something fun to do. The dog sitting ended today so I will be free to sleep in and take care of myself.

Getting rid of excess - From the inside out.

2011-10-25T11:45:00.006-04:00

Since I have awakened from my slumber it has occurred to me that I am behind. I really want to get my life in order. I have done the spiritual part and now I need to tackle the physical world.

It seems everything needs to either cleaned or fixed or thrown out. I was looking at my clothes and thinking, have I really been wearing this stuff? Everything is dingy and worn and the whites aren't exactly white anymore. Where have I been and just how long was I gone? It is hard to believe I am really back for good this time.

I am also working on cleaning a organizing the showroom and office. I went in on Sunday to tackle my office and one display. I am clearing out the almost 40 years of accumulated stuff. The former owner never threw anything away. Everything has the potential to be re-purposed. I get that I am like to re-purpose things myself. But some things are just trash.

We have a huge attic full of scraps and old cabinets. Once while he was on vacation we took two dumpster full of stuff out. Moved the newer stuff to the front. He never noticed. I felt bad for about a second then got over it.

I was feeling a little bit like a martyr on Sunday but it was my choice and since I have been asleep so long it feels good to just work hard. I was exhausted Sunday night and had some aches and pains. I took yesterday off and decided not to have any agenda.

I made a big pot of soup with dumplings and invited a friend over for a quick meal. I knew he was headed to a class and wouldn't stay too long. I wanted to be alone and enjoy being awake in my new house. I am so happy to myself again and to be comfortable alone. I can't really say my old self because that person is gone I am really a new and improved version.

I not scared or scarred anymore. I feel light as a feather and stronger than ever. When your walking through the dessert you aren't really sure just how long the journey is and since it all looks the same you can't image there is an end. But I am here to tell you to just hang in there nothing last forever.

I feel gratitude and abundance today. Since I surrendered the work situation I have had non-stop customer. Sunday while I was working I turned the open light on and a couple came in that needs a new kitchen. I looked pretty grungy but they didn't seem to mind.

Life is good.

Everything is coming together

2011-10-22T17:33:00.005-04:00

I like this time of year. I will miss the daylight as the days get shorter but I always feel energized by the changes in weather. I don't feel guilty for staying in and tackling long over due chores.

I started today with an early customer appointment before opening the showroom. I had another appointment scheduled for noon that I knew was going to be a handful. I called the owner and ask him if he could come in for a few hours as back up. He agreed.

When he arrived we did a little catching up and I told him that I missed our long spiritual talks. I also told him that I was much more productive without all the jawing. Truthfully there is no way I could have kept up with the work load and entertained him like I use to.

We are a like in many ways and sometimes that scares me. He has worked hard most his life and I think is finally happy to turn the business over to someone. He will be 80in a couple of weeks. I hope I will not be working until I am 80. I want to have a more balanced life.

He told me he got a call from a woman he has been helping on an off throughout the years. She is in and out of AA and rehab her husband the same. He had a stroke a few years ago and is in a wheelchair. She called him recently to say she is having terrible dreams about demons and ask him to take her confession and pray for her. He did and then told her to go back to AA.

I told him I didn't know if I believed in demons but I do believe in negative thoughts and the energy that goes along with them. It seems to me that every time I am about to have an spiritual breakthrough I go as low as I can go.

The day on the porch when my depression lifted. The voice said to me you are doing this to yourself. An inner battle between total freedom and wanting my life to be over. Is it that simple? Is it chemical? Something inside of me did not want to let go of the pain even if it meant my life was over. Is this a spiritual battle with ones own ego. The self with the self or something else.

I was telling him this story and my eyes filled with tears. Recalling the grace I felt that day which seems like a million years ago now, even though only a few months. I chose life that day on the porch a spiritual awakening that saved my life. The god of my understanding freeing me from the hell my own thoughts had created.

Since that day everything has been flowing in my direction. The universe is conspiring to fulfill all my dreams. Work is busy and two of my friends that are designers have called me and want to come work with me. I talked it over with my partner and she seems open to it.

The owner is happy being at home watching football and coming to the rescue when we need him. It all seems to be coming together for us. I feel it took letting go to finally get it. I am free today and enjoying every minute of it.

The future meets the past

2011-10-20T12:00:00.005-04:00

I watch a lot of TV it is a habit sometimes good and sometimes not. I watch shows that I record mostly about design or other creative things. I am a night owl and have a lot of time on my hands. Lately this habit of watching TV has become monotonous.

Sometimes I force myself to shut it off and see what happens. Mentally the thought of actually taking on a project or even focusing on a book seems like too much effort. Occasionally in the wee hours I practice some yoga stretches to pass the time.

The other night I decided to turn the TV off and sit in my studio. I put on some old music by Lucinda Williams. I heard one of her songs on a show I was watching last week and I missed her.

Her music is pretty dark and I listened to it a lot when my marriage ended more than a decade ago. I saw her live a few years ago and she was so wasted she was reading the words of her own songs from a book on the podium. She kept starting over. The crowd was supportive and most were just as wasted. It was sad.

I could relate to the pain in her songs back then. Songs about people she had lost in her life. I felt addiction had taken my husband from me. Those wounds have long been healed and it actually made me feel good to not be affected by that music anymore.

That night I was feeling free to began again a fresh start. It reminded me of when I was 17 and rented first studio apartment. By that time in my life I had already lived in my friends garage and my alcoholic uncles spare room. The latter ended when he hocked my clock radio and stero to buy booze. He said the neighbors came in a stole the items. Nice.

The apartment was about the size of my art studio is now but it was a refuge from the crazy people that had been in charge of my life. I didn't even have electricity the first few weeks but that didn't matter I was free. I knew I was gonna make it. I didn't know how but I knew I would. That is how I feel now.

I have been afraid for a long time. I had lost the confidence I had in myself for awhile. I had gotten use to thinking I knew what the future held for me and when that changed suddenly I couldn't accept it.

I went down into that black hole of resistance and stayed there until I was sick of it. I didn't want to start over. I felt I didn't have it in me. It wasn't fair I didn't deserve it. Who does? It happens all the time.

When I look back on my life I can see I have had a strong spirit. I have faced many challenges and nothing ever stopped me from moving forward. I just didn't want to do it again. I don't know what I thought I could do about it as long as I was breathing what choice did I have?

You can't ever know how things will turn out in life. Just when you think you got it all figured out something happens. If we want to live rolling with the punches is the only real choice we have.

Digging in doesn't change the facts of the situation. Letting go of something we have no control over anyway, isn't much of a sacrifice when you think about it. The time it takes to let go is up to us and in the end it is quite humbling and freeing at the same time.

Suffering - Passing it on

2011-10-18T10:43:00.004-04:00

I have had some tough times in my life and I always think once I come out on the other side I wonder what was the point? Sure I learned something a huge growth opportunity but is that it?

Yesterday I had the opportunity to use my experience to help a friend. My depression mixed with instant menopause took me to places emotionally I had never been before. Walking around day after day not wanting to be alive is hard to explain to the average person.

Usually you can trace the sadness and suicidal thoughts back to a specific thought. I am familiar with grief we are old friends but what I felt was more like I don't want to be in my body. In the mirror was a total stranger nothing familiar and the physical pain that went along with it is was unbelievable. No trace of the person I was before.

I spent the day with a friend who is going through the same thing. She said she was staying away from other people because she couldn't put on a brave face. She said her body ached so bad she has started taking pain pills. I told her at one point I hurt so bad I thought I had bone cancer. Every night I had heart palpitations and I finally decided to get my heart checked. Nothing showed up on the test.

This is the part of menopause that no one really tells you about. Sure you hear all the stories on women doing crazy things or being angry all the time but no ones says that there is sometimes a lot of physical pain. Joints ache to be specific. It feels like you coming down with the flu.

The pain I experienced was mostly at night no matter how I layed on the bed it hurt. This along with the bazaar thoughts not wanting to be alive really makes you unsure of everything you thought you knew about yourself. You will do just about anything to escape how bad that feels.

My friend said she went to the doctor and he told her to up her anti-depressants. I told her to go get her hormones tested. I would have done this if I had known but I was lost in what I thought was grief and that was partially true. Even though it wasn't the grief I was familiar with but I am hard headed and didn't want to ask for help.

I didn't want to tell her my pain lasted three years and hers won't because I am making her go to a hormone doctor. When my mind started to clear I realized that sometimes that the bad thoughts coincided with a wave of heat in my body. This was helpful because I knew the thought was not real and not to take it seriously.

Since this started in my mid forties no one thought it could really be "the change" and thought it was the break up. Hind sight is always 20/20.

I do think that this is a time in a woman's life for evaluation. You have no desire to play by the rules even if you are the one that created them. Your emotions are right on the surface and survival is the only thing on your mind.

My neighbor said his wife up and left him practically overnight. She came back a few years later and apologized and wanted him back. It was too late and he had moved on.

I say all this to help anyone out there that feels they might truly be losing it or they know someone close to them that seems like a stranger now. It tested everything I thought I knew about myself. I felt like I didn't belong anywhere and there was no escaping those feelings.

The contractor that told me that I seemed like a totally different person than I was six months ago, was right. I am not the same person.

Being able to pass on my experience and help someone else does make me feel a little better.

Resentments - Resolutions - Responsibilities

2011-10-15T10:24:00.005-04:00

In the program I have learned a lot about my part in every situation. When I got here I was a martyr a victim of every situation in my life. I had no choice but to go along with whatever life dished out to me. But now I know every moment I can choose again. I can look at just about any situation and see the possibilities for growth.

I resolved the cleaning issue at work this week. I went out to lunch with my partner and she was telling me all she does at home is clean house. She and her husband and child moved back in with her parents when the economy tanked.

I asked her if this was why she didn't feel she needed to help me keep the showroom clean. She said yes that was part of it. She said we should pay someone and I ask her what she thought it was worth each month and she said a $200.00.

I said great I will pay myself $200.00 to keep the showroom clean. I am doing it for nothing now and this will eliminate the resentment I have thinking she should be helping.

Resentments only happen when we are doing something we thinks someone else should be doing or we think no one sees or appreciates what we do.

For me this is really a need to be validated. My worth is based on how valuable I am to other people. Then I get all indignant when people are caught up in their own lives and aren't paying me any attention.

I have to do things because I want to them or because it is the right thing to do with no strings attached. If I get my self worth from opinions good or bad my life will be a roller coaster depending on the moods of the people closest to me.

If they are having a great day and feeling generous giving me all kinds of compliments I feel high as a kite. If the next day someone cuts them off in traffic and they take it out on me then I feel low. I use to think this was always about me.

This is why I ended up in the spot light of the alcoholic in my life. In the beginnig I was the star and center stage and it was fantastic. It filled me up because I was empty and needed constant validation. But the light moved on and I was devastated. I did everything to try to get it back.

I blamed it on the drinking but really it was because the drinking took the spot light from me. I wanted to be the main attraction and I lost my place. I did crazy things to try to bring him back to me. When the pain reach epic proportions I had no where to go and ended up in my first meeting.

I have learned that it is good to be valued and loved by others but not as important ant a valuing and loving ourselves. If we can do this it takes the pressure of the people we love to do what is best for them and eliminates resentments. It has taking me a long time to grow up and see that I can only know what is best for myself and everyone else is entitled to do the same.

It is possible to live and let live. It is possible to finally see that I am not the center of anyone elses universe but my own.

The last of it - Shredding the past

2011-10-12T16:29:00.005-04:00

I spent Monday cleaning my office and going through yet more paperwork. Old Wills, old emails, old bills, receipts and pictures. This is the last of it though. The final big push. The past is being cleared out one piece of paper or one picture at at time.

I took some joy in discovering yet more old pictures of me and my ex. We were both too fat and I could see I was miserable. I shredded those pictures one by one and it felt pretty good. Then towards the end of the day the voice in my head started down that path. You know the one that says it is your fault and look where you are now. Alone.

I kept moving and when I felt I couldn't do it one more minute I called my sponsor. Of course she said to let it go be grateful for what you have learned. I have never wanted to go back but I have been too afraid to really move forward either, I wasn't ready until now. This is what the cleaning is about.

I remember this same feeling before. You just want to be done with all the pain and suffering. You just want to start over with a clean slate. I have changed my looks and I am starting to change my house. I feel really strong again a new me.

I packed up three boxes of books to donate. I thought, did I really buy those books. Maybe I did who knows. Books are my weakness so it is nice to make room for more.

So it is the end of a really terrible time in my life and I am relieved to do a little spring cleaning in the fall. Looking at all that stuff really brought home just how sick I was for nearly three years. It seemed like a decade.

I thought, what a waste of time. Time that I can never get back. I guess I had to be there for as long it took. Maybe in the future I will look back and understand better. I am free to start over now and that is what I plan to do.

Sleeping Beauty - I want to lay down

2011-10-09T13:50:00.006-04:00

I was wondering about Sleeping Beauty if after a few years of being awake did she think it was worth it. Maybe she had a house full of kids and Prince Charming was off doing what he always did. Traveling throughout the kingdom being admired by his fans. His fans didn't have to pick up his dirty socks every day.

Life is never how we think it will be and even if it is we aren't always as happy as we thought we would be when we got there. Why is that? In my old life I had everything most people wished for. I didn't complain ever but I wasn't happy. I didn't even know I wasn't happy I thought I just needed more gratitude.

Day by day year by year I began to disappear. The things the once brought me joy started to feel like heavy chains around my neck. I tried to create a family with someone else's family and mixed in my program family for good measure. I seemed like it was working but then I realized I was more like cruise director than a family member.

I would often find myself alone in the kitchen after cooking a big meal cleaning up. I didn't even mind that I enjoyed the solitude of the cooking and the cleaning. It just wasn't what I was trying to achieve I wanted to feel the connection of family. I thought I could create that bringing us all together.

When the relationship was over I never heard from any of my ex's family and my friends from the program were happy they didn't have to deal with them anymore. It was my dream I was trying to create and everyone was just going along for the ride.

My search for this connection has lead me to the same type of relationships over and over. The addictive relationship or something similar. When I was the bright shining star in some one's life for a time, but my shininess always wears off and something more shiny catches their eye.

I understand this type of personality because I am like that too, but I just change jobs or find a new hobby. It is loyalty that makes me stay whether I am happy or not. I don't want to be the bad guy.

It is the intensity of the start of those kinds of relationships that filled my own void and the fact that I wasn't enough, just as I am, in my own heart. The void cannot be filled from the outside and it is a lifetime commitment to fill it from the inside.

You can never go back once you have been awakened to the truth that only you can make yourself happy. Only you can make yourself feel secure no matter what is going on.

I now find that a comfort and it frees me to just find something to do today that brings me joy rather than trying to create whatever I think will make me happy in the future and the future never comes. Isn't that ironic?

When I think of sleeping beauty I know the only truly perfect moment is the one when their lips touch and she is not quite awake yet.

Resentments - Who is gonna take out the trash?

2011-10-07T15:02:00.006-04:00

Work is busy and we are closing jobs left and right. I have been talking to my partner about sharing more of the mundane responsibilities like cleaning the showroom, among other things. She always agrees to help but then it never happens. This is a familiar issue for me and I was hoping not to deal with again.

I struggle with wanting her to change. I want us to work as a team and not end up being the one who gets things accomplished. This is a relationship that I have repeated many times in my life and want to learn what I need to learn and not do it anymore.

Is that possible to co-exist and with someone else and not want things to be different. Some days it is easier than others. I do believe you have to address what is bothering you or the resentments will pile up pretty quick. After you address your issues, then what? What if they just say deal with it or worse say they will work with you and then don't.

When you are dealing with someone completely self-absorbed (takes one to know one) it isn't personal. They are just doing the stuff on their list and not even thinking about what is on your list or that you even have a list. Can you live with that?

In my most recent relationship we fought about cleaning too. Not fighting really, either I did it or it didn't get done. End of story. In the program they say if something bothers you more than it does someone else just do it yourself. The drain of resentment far out ways the energy it takes to take of the problem. But if you do it with resentment you just end up resentful with a really clean house.

In my first marriage before the program I learned a lot about resentments. I knew doing something while thinking it was someone elses responsibility can turn you into a crazy person. Worse it eats you alive and you don't even know it. One day you just snap. I have often thought this might be the reason nice people end up on the news shooting people from the top of a building. When they interview the neighbors they always say how the person seemed so nice. Resentments.

I solved the problem in the my last relationship by hiring someone to do the cleaning. A luxury yes but also a life saver. We won't say just whose life at this point.

So I am entering into another partnerships with someone that is just as self-absorbed as I am. Imagine that. Some part of me wants to believe that somehow I am better than she is more thoughtful just a wee bit less self-absorbed but the fact that I am writing about here makes me think otherwise.

Darn, why do we always have to see our reflection over and over. I am working on acceptance and remembering it isn't personal when I am not the star of someone elses show, just my own.

I will probably hire someone when we have the money or I will start paying myself. I really don't mind emptying the trash it is only the fact that she doesn't think is important that bothers me. That it really my problem and I will just have to get over myself.

A skirt that doesn't fit anymore - Meltdowns and more

2011-10-03T17:08:00.008-04:00

I am at work today catching up on things. I hadn't planned on coming in but someone wanted to sign a contract and bring me a check. I couldn't put that off.

My partner is in the middle of a meltdown and can see no good in her life. She had a computer meltdown and her step daughter stayed the weekend. It is really more than that it is a combination of thinking how did I get here and I don't want to be here.

I had those same feeling yesterday home alone with the huge task of cleaning my upstairs. I am getting a free bed for my spare room so I had to face organizing and getting rid of things. I have tried this before but swimming through the past made me run before the job was finished.

In my depression I abandoned the upstairs. I really have no need to go up there so I don't it was dusty and littered with boxes of photos and things that were once important to me.

I came across a Christmas tree skirt that my ex's mom made. She made one for each of her children and I guess it got mixed up my stuff. What should I do with? The child in me said burn it. The adult in me said send back. It is in my past and has nothing to do with me today. I don't even decorate for the holidays.

I stopped mid meltdown and decided to write. What came out was am I where I am (alone) because I made bad decisions or is this just how life is? The flip side is that I know a lot of people that have the family and children and there not happy either. It just goes to show that you just got to keep moving and not dwell on what you don't have or what didn't work out.

The writing brought me full circle and made me see I can dwell on the past or work with what is in the moment. I don't know how my story ends and I expect that I will not be alone unless I want to be.

The upstairs is sparkling clean I rallied the committee in my head and we got the job done. As far a the Christmas tree skirt is concerned I left it laying on the couch. I can make that decision another day when I am not so emotional.

Forced to let go of the past. Like it or not.

2011-09-29T17:44:00.004-04:00

I have returned from my trip to Denver. The work part was exhausting and the personal part exhilarating.

The night before I left for Denver I was working hard to finish up some of my work when my contractor called. The screen on my phone went blank and cut us off. We reconnected and then it did it again. That was the last time it has worked. At 7:30 pm I jumped in my car and sped to the nearest ATT phone and got myself a phone.

I found out that none of my numbers were retrievable because they weren't being saved to the sim card, just to the phone. I didn't know that. I guess it ask you this the very first time you save something and that is the only time.

I stood there for a moment and it reminded me of the day I was locked out on the porch. My mind taking in the information keeping panic at bay. Then thinking I am still here nothing life threatening has happened. Maybe.

So in one fell swoop I have wiped out my past. You know those numbers of people you would never really call, unless you were on your death bed and only if you had thought of some clever last minute jab as you take your last breath. Hey I am human after all.

I was the one who wanted to get rid of my story, right? Just to reinforce this idea of getting rid of my story I had a second opportunity. While up in the mountains (see picture above) I ran out of space on my camera card and the only way to take new pictures was to delete the ones on the card. It was the last trip with the ex and the ex in-laws.

One by one our happy little faces disappearing from the screen. I was forced to do this over and over because I wasn't willing to delete all. Facing the past again and again always opting for the beauty of the present over the memories of the past.

I felt a twinge of sadness. That is not my life anymore. I can say now I am really happy about that. Whats 4 years of of grief in the scheme of of things. Looking at it and re-living all that has happened since that trip doesn't change a thing. I don't want to do that anymore.

I believe we are exactly where we need to be no matter how long it takes. There are no accidents. I got an opportunity to test my feelings and see if my desire to move on is real. I am really there.

A coincidence? I don't think so. I will be fine without the numbers the people that love me now have my number and have been calling me. The clients numbers I can get from the files and anyone else that I have made contact with in the recent past will be on the detail portion of my bill. Anything older than that I can live without.

More details and pictures from the trip later. Happy to be hom.

Locked Out - At least I had my clothes on

2011-09-20T15:22:00.005-04:00

I have been working a lot and preparing for my trip to Denver. I leave tomorrow and haven't started packing and have several deadlines to meet before I leave the office tonight.

It is weird I haven't flown for a couple of years and besides a trip to my sister's house I haven't left town in awhile. I am going alone. I have a conference for 3 days and then the rest of the time I am on my own. I have never done that before so we will see how comfortable I am with leisure time on my own in a new city.

I do have a funny story to tell. On Sunday I slept really late and woke up groggy and decided to take a shower and get dressed. This is unusual for me since I normally do chores and hang around all day so getting dressed is optional.

I made a sandwich and went out on the porch and closed the door behind me. When I finished eating I turned to go in and the door was locked. I stood there for a moment in shock. What are my options. No phone, no phone numbers, no car, no shoes and no hide a key.

I did feel grateful that I had showered and put clothes on. I checked the windows and of course they were locked. I went next door and knocked, no one answered. I could hear them so I yelled out it is your neighbor.

The door opened and two dogs, three kids and a bewildered mom greeted me with enthusiam. Like a long lost relative. I have only seen the kids a couple of times. The twin girls will be three in December and their older brother.

Evidently their mother talks about me all the time to them and they know I dog sit. The were so excited and showed me all their toys one by one. I was quite exciting for everyone.

Once I got to the phone I dialed the only number I had memorized my first number in the program. The hub of communication for our program family. Can you call so and so he has a key an so and so to help break into the house.

The latter showed up first. He has done it before and I don't want to know where those skills came from. In the program this is a clearly don't ask don't tell situation. Within minutes I was back in the house.

It wasn't a crisis and didn't ruin my day, if I had been in my pj's that would have been an even funnier story and one I wouldn't be so happy to tell. I have learned over the years that not everything is a crisis unless I decide it has to be one.

So I better get back to work or I will be here all night. I will be sure to take some pictures to post when I get back.

Miracles happen sometimes it just takes awhile.

2011-09-17T13:45:00.004-04:00

I had my belated birthday dinner with my sponsor last night. We met about 20 years ago when I kept seeing her following me to the meetings. We were instant friends and she never gave me too many rules. She was real patient with me and always positive.

She is still the most uplifting person I have ever met. Even though her home life wasn't too uplifting and her husband spent his evenings standing by his pick up truck drinking beer from a cooler. I guess he didn't think she would catch on after a few decades.

I always really liked him he was a large bearded man with a sand paper personality. Very smart but pretty mad at the world. We always got along because I can be pretty scrappy too when I want to be. He never intimidated me with his mean exterior.

In those days they never went anywhere together. He worked and then stood by the truck most nights. I remember for years she cooked him something and left it on the stove and we went to dinner.

With what she learned in the program she started creating a life of joy for herself. She started traveling the world with friends and let him stay where he was for as long as he wanted to be there.

A few years ago something changed. He stopped drinking and started attending mass each week. Six months ago he started a diet and has lost nearly 100 lbs. This week they joined a gym together.

Last night we all went to dinner together. He talked about love and forgiveness and letting go of past resentments. Living in the moment.

Just writing this has brought tears to my eyes. It is a miracle and one that is a mystery to me and her. When he left the table she said that she has no idea what woke him up. She said it certainly wasn't anything she did. She just lived her life and let him live his. Maybe it was something she did. She let him live his own life.

So miracles do happen. People can get sober without us Al-anons pushing them along. Everyone has to find their own way. It is hard when you love someone to just sit and watch while they destroy themselves. This is why the program works. It says you have to take care of yourself and let the other person do the same.

We want to help someone be somewhere before they are ready. I think when you push people they push back. I know I do. The child in me says I don't want to do it if you want me to. I want it to be my idea not yours.

Just sitting across from him last night I thought wow is this really happening? I am still amazed that even when we give up, God's grace is endless.

Gun slingers and facing the enemy

2011-09-14T18:45:00.004-04:00

I had to be a grown up today and file my business taxes. It wasn't too bad. Of course I waited until the last minute because I know I will have to pay something.

My accountant is somewhere between 75 and 85 years old and she has the demeanor of a saloon bartender from those old west movies. She gave it to me with both guns blazing about waiting until the last minute.

She pointed out the mistakes I made filling out my quarterly taxes and I pointed out how I had corrected those mistakes and re-filed. I am always a little intimidated by her. She told me the last I was there everyone is just waiting for her to die so they can run the place.

I love her she great. After she scolded me we had a laugh when I told her "you don't scare me I have faced our arch nemesis the IRS and survived" I haven't received one letter from them since. I told her I was just happy to still be here and not menopausal and not depressed.

She wants me to let her do the quarterly taxes but I said at the time it was between her and keeping the electric on.

I had to confess to her that I am in charge of the accounting and some of the details of what has been going on. The first question was, are you getting paid to run someone else's business. I said I have been paying myself a regular salary. She said good and gave me some other good advice.

I am capable now and ready to get on with the business of life. I felt good to just get something done. I did end up paying a little bit and of course I paid her but it wasn't too bad. Today being a grown up wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

2011-09-12T16:10:00.004-04:00

I was off yesterday and couldn't get out of a funk. I went to my tried and true methods for shaking off the despair I was feeling. I read uplifting literature, I watched my favorite recorded shows and ended with a three movie marathon.

All were excellent distractions but the minute they were over the feelings reappeared. I finally decided maybe journaling would help bring the real answer to the top. I find that writing past the first page I can get to the real issue.

It seems to come back to the same thing for me, how did I end up here? Did I make bad choices in my life? Was I not enough for the people I loved. Apparently I wasn't or we would still be together. Truthfully no one is enough to meet all of another person's needs. The trick is that both people have to know that. Instead of looking for greener pastures. In long relationships you either grow together or apart.

I still feel the funk today and opted to come into the office before a late appointment today. I can't expect to feel happy every day. I can be grateful that I don't feel the way I did a few months ago.

With work at top speed I think trying to relax on my days off is hard. Going 0 to 100and back to 0 isn't that easy. I have faith that I will not be alone forever. I am just now coming out of a long period of grief and depression and starting to get strong again. I know timing is everything.

A different approach - Not seeing eye to eye.

2011-09-10T10:45:00.004-04:00

It is the end of the week for me and I am still catching up today. On my way in this morning I was going over a discussion I had with my future partner yesterday.

I was stating that I felt bad because I didn't get a chance to present a bathroom design before my customer went on vacation. She said that I didn't know how to put my customers off without them knowing it. This did hit a nerve with me but luckily we got interrupted before the conversation continued.

What she said is the major difference between us and our work philosophy. She is still operating from the angle of what works best for her and not what works best for the customer. In our business it use to be the customer was a little fish in a big pond and now they are a big fish in a little pond.

Over the years we have made basically the same money. I usually have more average size jobs mixed with a couple of larger jobs each year. She usually has bigger jobs that can takes months and even years to close and with more demanding customers.

It was hard for me not to comment on this view and I did say that I felt that if you gave people too much time to look elsewhere then someone slick salesperson could convince them to go with a lower end product.

With the market changing I think that making the most of every customer contact is important. This is my ego talking and me wanting her to think the way I think.

I have kept us afloat this year with my small jobs but by the end of the year if one of her jobs closes she will catch up with me. So there isn't really any right or wrong here just a difference in the way we think.

Here is a side note. The customer I thought I missed out on called this morning and wants to come in today. Letting go of the outcome of everything and I mean everything is really working for me. Trusting that everything is exactly as it is suppose to be is hard and I want improve on God's plan with my own ideas.

I haven't done such a great job on my own in the past so this time I am letting it all go.

Getting my mind straight

2011-09-08T09:46:00.003-04:00

The powerful effect that positive thinking can have on your life today should not be underestimated. In fact, it just may be the key to a happier and healthier you.

I woke up a little off today. Happy to have work but feeling a little overwhelmed at the moment. Going from 0 to 100 in short time has really been an adjustment.

By deciding to see things differently I have had nothing but abundance coming my way. I guess it was piling up against the door waiting for me to change my attitude. When I cracked the door open I have been trampled by goodness.

While writing here a cutomer came in and wants to do a bathroom.

The above is today's horoscope I thought it was a sign to get my mind right today.

A remembered sunset - Healing the past

2011-09-07T16:56:00.004-04:00

I had a long jammed packed business day yesterday. It started earlier than usual and ended around 6:30. As I was driving home I crossed over the highway and saw the most spectacular sunset. The beauty actually brought tears to my eyes.

I thought it seemed somehow familiar to me so fiery and so many colors.

I realized that it looked like a sunset that I helped paint for a high school play. I think I told this story before when I was in a painful place. How the art teacher whom I idolized asked myself and another student to paint a sunset.

We were so thrilled an honored that she picked us to paint it. We stayed up all night and painted a bright orange sunset with every color you could imagine. The colors represented who we were inside, a little outrageous a little outside the box.

When the curtain came up she had gotten one of the more talented inside the box artist to paint a foggy gray sunset. I quit taking art classes after that. I respected her and figured I must not be good enough to be a real artist.

It took m 20 years to start painting with that same enthusiasm.

It wasn't personal I know that now. As a teenager I took to heart and held it there and then carried all those years. Seems absurd now it was just her opinion but then it was my opinion of myself that kept it alive.

Yesterday I thought there's my sunset with every color imaginable painted with abandonment by God for all the world to see. A bigger audience than any high school play would ever have.

I see dead people - Who are they?

2011-09-06T12:56:00.006-04:00

My birthday started out very quiet I just hung around the house, doing nothing really. I decided to visit my upstairs and see if I was inspired to tackle any projects up there.

One room had pictures strewn out all over the floor. I am always moving furniture around and I moved the chest of drawers they were in to my studio downstairs. I use to think it was Chester drawers, that was always confusing to me, why would they name a piece of furniture Chester?

Anyway, I started looking at this old photo album that came from my aunt's house. It is real old and full of people I don't know. Her husbands family. No one left on his side of the family. None of the pictures have names and some are so tiny it is hard to see the person.

I decided I would make an art project out of the photos. Use them to practice drawing and keep the photo and the picture together. I have been reading a book about famous successful people and how it takes and equivalent of 10 years to become really good at something, so I thought I better get started soon.

This book made me think how many times I saw what I thought was pure talent when really it was dedication and repetition that brought out a small talent. I am impatient and expect to be good at something instantly. If I am not then I quit and say I don't have the talent for it. Really I am not interested enough to put the time in or I am too embarrassed to suck at something until I get it.

Comparing myself to someone who has in some cases dedicated their life to their craft and expecting instant success is setting myself up for failure. Is it important enough to me to make the same effort. It is also a slam to the person who has spent time learning something.

It is the same with the program it takes time and effort to get to a place of serenity. In the beginning I wanted to be well I didn't like it when I found out that people had been there for decades. I felt better pretty quickly but here I am decades later still learning new things about myself.

For the project I have committed to drawing each photo ten times before moving to the next photo. I started yesterday and used a magnifying glass to see the details. One down and 50 to go. If I can get my scanner up and running I post some of drawings.

Let see if I have what it takes.

Final note. No one looked too happy back then. I guess with the depression and then war not too much to be happy about.

I was wrong - Again - Making amends

2011-09-03T10:20:00.004-04:00

It is interesting to me how my recent awakening has caused me to see just how wrong I have been about everything, really everything.

We have a contractor that we have worked with for years. He is a hardworking honest guy and over the years we have helped him build his business. In fact his core business is based on people we have introduced him to and he rents from one of my customers.

It always bothered me that once I introduced him to my customer they turned to him from that point on. They refer him and not me. He in turn tries to direct the business back to us when it has to do with kitchens and baths.

He came by last night to discuss a job and I realized for the first time how hard he works to do what is right for the customer. Just like me. He also is a good business person and tries to squeak out every bit of business out of his customers. Just like me. He does what ever it takes to get the job done and make the customer happy. Just like me.

What I realized now that I am awake is once again it isn't personal. He spends way more time with the customer because he is living with them during construction and helping them through the day to day process. I can't do that and truthfully when he is on the job we know the customer will happy so less effort is spent to stay connected.

Last night I made an amends. It wasn't a specific amends more like a blanket amends. I just said I was sorry for anything I might have done over these past years that might have hurt him. I told him I haven't been myself in a long time and I was sorry. He graciously accepted my apology.

We are alike in many ways, both perfectionist and just can't let things go.

My level of respect for him has gone up. He of course has not changed it is me who has changed. I am sure there is more amends to come and maybe a better working relationship.

Truth and consequences

2011-09-02T10:38:00.005-04:00

I have a birthday coming up on Labor Day. Isn't it nice that most of the country takes off to celebrate.

I am not sure what the plans are at the moment. I have to face the fact that I have jettisoned most of my casual friends and some of my close friends. I have some guilt about that when I think of all the birthdays we spent together.

I had to empty my life for what ever reason. I felt I drowning and weighted down my some unknown entity. I purged it all not knowing what was the problem. It was my past of course the belief that I could not escape it and I wasn't ready to face the fact that past only exist in my head.

I have moments of loneliness. Being fully awake has its drawbacks. I am responsible for being exactly where I am at this moment. The difference now is that I can feel the loneliness and let it wash over me as just for this moment of time. I don't have to thrash around and run like I use to chanting to myself. I don't want this, I don't want this...

I have felt such peace not resisting. I have been able to even look at my childhood religion and see that I have run from Jesus because I didn't want to have anything to do with anything my family was associated with. I could see that it wasn't him it was them I was running from. In my child like mind I didn't want to make them happy by accepting any of their beliefs, so I threw all of them out.

I liked the program because you weren't aloud to talk about Jesus. We talk about God and a higher power a power greater than ourselves. I wouldn't have stayed if Jesus had been involved. Jesus must carried the baggage of every crazy thing done in his name.

Hey I can say this because I was beaten in the name of Jesus so I understand the pain that goes with his name. I have been comfortable with God for a long time. I have read a lot of books on the idea of God. For me it was what I was resisting that was holding me back.

This was the boogie man in the closet for me the last childish thing. I had to see that it wasn't Jesus it was the negative power his name had over my life. The negative power I gave it.

I am not saying I have become a Jesus freak passing out pamphlets on the street like I did as a child or that I have joined a mega church. The point is that it is all OK with me now the resistance is gone. I can look at his teachings and take what I like and leave the rest. I can come home to some of my childhood beliefs and see the good there not just the bad.

I have found that anything that I resist has some fear associated with it. In this case a fear that I would become like them or I would fall in a hole that I could not climb out of. I did that anyway. I can separate from my emotions and say it wasn't all bad and some of the teachings were pretty good.

Byron Katey said if you stumble across a rope in the grass and you think it is a snake you might run off screaming. Once you see that it is just a rope you can never be afraid of it again. I am not afraid anymore.

Taking a beating - Have we learned anything?

2011-09-01T12:17:00.004-04:00

Both in life and in business when times are tough people pull together to weather the storm when the storm passes and crisis is over things inevitably go back to the way they were unless we make an effort to learn from the past.

The ego steps in and we start to look after ourselves. It is human nature. This is what I am experiencing here with the guy in our building. He is slammed busy and feeling a little less generous or open to building a relationship.

We did talk and I could see that he he felt perfectly justified in stepping in and offering to build the cabinets and cut the price. He is right it was his customer and he could do as he pleased. I just thought if he had called me we could have worked together to reduce price.

I want to build something together a partnership with us making decisions together. They're some big egos in this business and they have taken a beating over the past few years. Have we learned anything? I know I have and I will move on if I need to.

It feels good to have a break in the storm where it seems things are returning to normal. What ever that is. But it is not a time to rest but a time to focus on getting our house in order. Preparing for the ebb an flow of this industry and of life in general.

You never know when the next lesson will arrive. It is possible that this could be the eye of the storm.

Treating people with respect all the time even when it isn't easy but it is always the right thing to do. I respect his decision to do what he thought he had to do to save the job. Even if that meant throwing me under the bus. I am over it now.

Can this marriage be saved? Motives

2011-08-31T10:49:00.005-04:00

Sometimes when you have too much information about another person it can skew your views on a particular situation. You can read too much into what is going on and the motives of that person.

If you just met them you wouldn't have this underlying suspicion. Someone told me not too long ago that I was too trusting. I guess for me over the years I have wasted so much time thinking I knew what another person was going to do. When I was right it reinforced this idea I had special powers. When I was wrong I would dismiss it as a fluke. This is a trap that keeps you coming back for more.

I have been working with a cabinet builder that leases our building with us. He bought the business from our owner over 20 years ago. There has been some bad blood over the years between the two businesses. Since I started managing things I have be rebuilding this relationship. We have been doing a lot of small custom jobs and he has been building the cabinets for us. I thought that it seems like a no brainer when he shares our space.

He brought me a customer to design for and sell cabinetry to and I have been working with them for months. When they finally settled on a plan I sent them a final number. He met with them without telling me and they told him they were not happy with the overall project price. He offered to build the cabinets for a super low price. Everyone agreed that I should get paid for my time. When he told me yesterday I knew I would need some time to process what just happen.

I woke up after having a nightmare that he was attacking me. I did feel like he threw me under the bus. At four am I started reading to quiet my mind and meditate on why this is bothering me so much. Even though I am going to get paid the same it bothers me how it was handled.

I will have to have a little talk with him to clear the air. I like things to be out on the table and I can put the past behind us if he is upfront with me. This will be my terms for working together to save this marriage.

I woke up with fear - yogi talk

2011-08-30T14:51:00.004-04:00

This morning I woke up with a sense of dread. Nothing I could really put my finger on exactly but there it was. I put on some music and said some prayers while getting dressed.

I tried to analyze if it was tied to any particular thoughts. The only thing I could think of was that things are going well for the first time in a long time and can I trust that.

In the last five minutes I just lost a job. The good news is they are going to pay me for the time I put into it and that would be equal to my commission. No money for the company though.

Changing the subject I went a gathering last night that included a yogi. He had a lot of wisdom and it seemed he repeated some of the very ideas I have been harping on here.

He said that all addiction is created by stress. That is not a big surprise is it? He also said that we try to balance the stress by using drugs or food or whatever we can to counter act the stress. He said finding balance in ones life was the only way to fight addiction. The imbalance is in our minds and the only way to get rid of it is to live in the present moment.

I am not a worshipper of men. I feel we are all equal and equally fallible. He has a pretty sweet life with people waiting on him 24/7. It is a good gig if you can get it. Someone did ask him who gave him his title of yogi and he said he gave it to himself. He also said he wrote a 12 step book from his perspective 40 years ago.

With that last sentence I thought, does he have personal experience with the 12 steps? It wasn't as well known 40 years ago as it is now and it doesn't really matter. He had some words of wisdom and as always take what you like and leave the rest.

Broken Glass

2011-08-27T09:13:00.005-04:00

I got a call this morning from the other designer. She doesn't work on Saturday but decided to come in today. She said someone threw a big rock through the front window.

I finished getting dressed and headed in. By the time I got here she had cleaned up the mess and made a few calls. I was happy I didn't have to deal with it. We are calling one of our guys to put up plywood over the window.

We are in kind of an industrial area and close to a pretty depressed neighborhood. In 35 years we only had two incidence of vandalism.

Last time the shook up a can of soda and threw it through the window.

We don't have anything of much value here and take our lap tops home at night. We did buy a big screen TV to view designs and that is probably what they saw and probably what got them going.

Kids or drugs and alcohol who knows. Just another day in the office.

Turning towards the light

2011-08-25T11:32:00.003-04:00

It was raining cats and dogs when I left my house this morning. We need the rain so I was feeling grateful. With water restrictions my grass looks pretty sad. My mind brought up the fact that when I got to work I would have to get my computer out of the car and it would get wet. Needless worry I thought.

I have a lovely 10 minute drive to work crossing over a small curved bridge. I love the view there sometimes the local college has their rowing team out for practice. On my way home the sun sets in that direction and if my timing is just right the picture is good enough for a post card.

So today just as I crossed that bridge the rain stopped and I was facing the most beautiful light. No worries today.

Wait and see or Plan B

2011-08-24T10:55:00.005-04:00

I am happily working many hours and doing many creative projects including my own house at the same time. I am running on all cylinders these days.

A friend of mine took me out for an early birthday dinner last night. Locally they are doing dinners at upscale restaurants for $25.00 a charity fundraiser. It is a set three course menu. We enjoyed a lovely dinner at one of the oldest restaurants in town. What a treat.

We talked about how much time in the past we have spent preparing for disasters that didn't happen. She has a trip planned for New Zealand and will be gone for a month. Her husband is suppose to go but his health has not been that great. Her daughter gave her the advice that she should plan to have someone else go or meet her. She replied that she would just wait and see. A lot can happen between now and November.

I remember before the program how when I was managing my life and the life of others I would never just be happy with what was I had to think of every way things could go wrong and have a plan B and C and D.

When I traveled I would take every kind of medication imaginable just in case I got sick. The fact is I never get sick and when I do I usually get by with some easily obtainable medication. I always knew something would spoil my fun.

What a waste of time preparing for the unknown. My imagination can really get the best of me thinking the worse case scenario. What about the best case scenario isn't that just as likely? Can I put the same amount of effort into thinking about how may ways something can go right? It seems that fear is always just below the surface.

The other designer just reminded me of this. I booked a trip for work that come back to here at 11:00 pm she said that was a mistake that it will run 2 hours late. I said that has never happened to me I guess I will have to wait and see.

Perspective - I can change mine if I want

2011-08-22T10:34:00.005-04:00

Why is it that when you don't like the way things are you tend to focus on the shortcomings of others. What other people are not doing that you think they should.

I got to the office today and it is a real mess. It is not like it is a surprise to me because I was the last one here Saturday night. So unless angels came in on the Lord's special day I shouldn't expect things to look different.

Living my life through my own special glasses has kept me from seeing and accepting things as they are. The hope that magically they will be different is the real problem. When I choose to take them off then I have to adjust to reality, again even this is another version of my own reality.

The truth is I didn't have a totally restful nights sleep and I woke up with a little pain in my right hip. Nothing mysterious my gait is off and I did a lot of work around the house yesterday barefooted and aggravated it. It is already better.

Speaking of perspective while cleaning yesterday I got a painting out that I did 20 years ago. It was wrapped in paper from the move four years ago. I never liked it much. I painted in a class setting and it is of a swamp with blue herons. I took it out and propped it up in my studio. A friend came over for dinner and saw it and said I love this, who painted it? Obviously not my style. I made my confession and we finished dinner.

After dinner I asked him if he really liked it and he said yes. I asked him if he would he like to have it and he was really thrilled. A belated birthday present and a big step for me, letting go of my past even if it is something I don't like.

I am better now that I have written these words and vacuumed the showroom. Everything in my world is just as it should be and the only thing that needs changing is my perspective.

The Message - Alway being present

2011-08-20T10:09:00.004-04:00

I got home late last night and turned on the TV just as Oprah said "I am so happy you made a decision to step out of the pain of the past and live in present with all it's possibilities".

This keeps popping up everywhere for me. She was interviewing a boy who 13 years ago had parents that chained him up in the closet for extended periods of time. This had been going on for years. He was six when his older sister ran away and told the police. A case worker went to the house and saw no evidence that anything was wrong.

The police officer that heard the sister's story felt there was too many details for the story not be true. He required the parents to come an pick the daughter up and while they were there talked to the boy. He covered for his dad until the officer sad you dad wants you to tell me everything and he did.

He is an adult now and seemed to be Ok despite the years of abuse. Another woman on the show saw that story 13 years ago as a child and had the courage to tell someone her step father was abusing her. She said his story saved her life.

The message for me was that it is possible to overcome anything. He will be changed forever but he has decided to not let the pain of his past control his life now.

Productivity - Out the window

2011-08-18T16:11:00.004-04:00

I have given up. What ever I hopes I had of accomplishing anything today has flown out the window. So I heaping unproductively upon unproductively and writing some general nonsense.

I did have some good news. I have a birthday coming up and my tag and drivers license needed to be renewed and I found out I can do it on-line. When I went to driving school (distant past post) I got the impression that you had to go in person for drivers license renewal. Because of Homeland Security you have to show two serious forms of id. A original birth certificate or passport and an original ss card. If your name has changed perhaps you got married and divorced then you need you divorce decree to prove you are who you say you are.

After I thought about it maybe she said it was if you were even one day past your birthday. She made us all pull out our licenses and look at the expiration. It is a good thing because I had know idea it was going to expire this year. She did say most people think you have until the end of the month of your birthday, but that is not true.

So maybe the reason I had to go to driving school was to find out my license was going to expire. This would prevent me getting pulled over (not that would ever get pulled over) and getting a ticket for an expired licence. I guess that is round about gratitude. Maybe someone out there needs to look at their own license.

Just a regular day, what a relief.

Life is a Jungle - Lets go on a Safari

2011-08-16T14:58:00.006-04:00

I worked in my house the past couple of days. I was here in the office Saturday until 8PM getting my ducks in a row and enjoying being so busy. I decided that I would balance things out this week by taking two days off.

This new emotional freedom is hard to describe but it is really awesome just letting things flow on their own and not focusing on the outcome. I've always done my best but now I just let the rest go. This has given me so much energy instead of spinning my wheels and thinking about what more I should have done. I am on to the next thing. I can accept my best as being good enough.

I met one of my former sponsees this weekend to help her pick out an outrageous red for her dining room. After seeing all those colors I felt inspired to make some of my own changes. I picked out a Safari Green for my living and dining area.

It is color my niece picked for my sister's kitchen. I left the store at 5:00 and by 8:30 I had a new look. At first I thought it was too light. I have a lighter green in my kitchen that I despise. But as it dried it became richer and more developed.

I was just thinking how I always jump to conclusions and if take a step back and just observe I might be surprised how things turn out. Being still is what I have been forced to learn these past few years. I had to accept that there wasn't anything I could do to speed up my healing process.

Now I appreciate the clear mind God gave me. Only after losing it for a long time.

The definition of Safari is a journey or expedition to watch animals in their natural habitat. So I consider myself on a little Safari watching any drama I come upon from a distance I like it that way for now. If I feel the need to jump in I can do that too but it is my choice.

Telling Stories

2011-08-13T12:53:00.006-04:00

I have been reading about the idea of each of us having our own story. A story that we have created by own perception of the circumstances of our lives. The ideas that we came up with on our own and some that were handed to us.

The book was written by the author of The Four Agreements. A very life changing book for me. I will have to leave that for another time.

This idea that it is our own minds that hurt us. That it is the reliving of the past in our own minds that keeps the pain alive. I think I finally understand this for myself. Could it really be that simple?

It made me think how in the morning we wake up and are free to begin again or we go over to the closet and put our old labels on. Our heavy coats covered with the labels we have given ourselves. The labels related to not being enough for ourselves or others. Everybody living within their own story.

Can I give up the novel that I have written about my life good and bad? Is it possible to live without the constant dialogue. The commentary or is it too scary to see how the words in my head are just that words in my head.

Can I go back to childhood before I knew too much to be happy.

Foot-work or control?

2011-08-10T18:09:00.004-04:00

I use to get caught up or I should say my mind would get caught up in deciding how much footwork God expects me to do to solve my own problems. It was always a trap a fine line between control and foot-work.

I decided that God really doesn't need my help. I can keep my eyes and ears open for direction but that is all that is required. I can't even start down the road of imagining how something will work because that is taking the control back. It is setting myself up for fear if I see the situation heading off in a different direction.

I recently decided to get out of the drivers seat and let God take over. I have let it all go and decided to just let things happen naturally. I let drumming up business go and I am so busy I can't keep up. I had a huge problem with a not so reasonable customer that accused me of lying and she called and apologized this morning. I had a builder who refused to send us a check and I got an email this week saying we could pick it up.

The foot work I am doing has to do with what is on my plate today. Not focusing on potential problems or the 99 ways something could go wrong or in some cases even right. It is a distraction I can't be peaceful while meddling in things that are not my business.

Just for today I can let go and let God.

Putting it all out there

2011-08-09T15:18:00.002-04:00

The past couple of years I have bared my soul to any and all that would listen. I felt like a open wound walking around wait for the next painful strike. I didn't have a choice to show all my cards all the time. No restraint. Grief is like that.

But now I am past that on move on the facing the real world. How do I maneuver through each day without going back to the way I use to do things. How I would leave just enough space between me and you to keep you from knowing too much about my weak spots. What happens to that space is that something grow there a barrier sometimes it is just glass sometimes a thick hedge and sometimes a thick concrete wall.

I want to feel all the emotions and feel safe at the same time. It doesn't work that way. I can't enjoyed the depth of ocean if I am only willing to put my toe in the water. What if I drown? What if I swim with the dolphins? What if I swim with the dolphins and then I drown.

Is a life worth living if we stay away to stay safe. If we stay in the shallow waters without taking the chance. If we drown will we drown with a smile on our face. If we stay safe will we die with regret on our face.

I am sharing this link on vulnerability that provoked these thoughts.

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

Acceptance - My time is valuable

2011-08-05T12:04:00.003-04:00

I am tired today. I was going to take off since I worked Monday but that didn't work out. It has been busy here and I am grateful for that.

I got a call this morning from a referral. The guy wanted a bid on a kitchen and his house is about an hour from here. I said that I had to charge him to come out and it would be applied towards the purchase. He said he called five other people and no one else charged to come out. He said that my time must be more valuable than theirs.

I agreed that my time was valuable and that given the distance I would have to charge him. It is the nature of the business and with the economy people are getting more bids. I have done my share of free estimates and actually I never got a job from someone not willing to pay for an estimate. I am on commission and if I am going to work for free then what is the point.

You could say that I might charm someone into using me but that isn't how it works. When someone is shopping solely on price then I will lose and if you have five bids that is what is important to you. I am service first and foremost and my prices are competitive but I am not the cheapest.

I provide my customers with more than most. It has been hard for me to get to the point of valuing my own time and worth. I have reached a point that I know what I offer will be valuable to some, but not to everyone. God sends me the people that are suppose to cross my path and I learn from each encounter.

Aunt Millie - A movie star

2011-08-01T10:48:00.003-04:00

I was making a macaroni salad yesterday with some tuna that my friend brought back from Spain. The recipe was one that my Aunt Mildred taught me it was the second recipe that I learned to make from a written recipe.

Aunt Millie as everyone else calls her is a character. When we were kids she was bigger than life to us. She was like a movie star. She dressed like one and spent hours putting on make up. All us kids would sit like groupies around her dressing table while she applied layers upon layers of make up and tell us the most outrageous stories.

She is my Dad's brothers wife. Her character was a sharp contrast to my Dad's whole family who grew up on the farm. They were gentle quiet people and Aunt Millie was a city slicker from Chicago.

I think now she was one of the first crush on someone with that charismatic personality that I associate with alcoholism and addiction.

Over the years we have lost Aunt Millie to prescription pills. All my Dads siblings live within walking distance of each other on my grandfathers land. My uncle keeps Aunt Millie under wraps and makes all the familiar excuses for her absences at the family events.

When I visited a few years ago I didn't know all the unspoken rules about arriving unannounced. They told my Aunt Millie was not available to see me. I called and she answered and was so happy. She invited me right over. It was the middle of the day and she was in her pj's. She gave me a tour of the house and she said she was sorry about how I had been treated and wished I hadn't stayed away so long.

She gave me some things that belonged to my grandmother. My uncle was embarrassed by her and cut the visit short. He doesn't know just how much I know about loving someone with an addiction.

Yesterday when I thought of her I felt the pain and sadness the family is suffering. My cousin's lives have been forever changed by addiction and probably think there is nothing that will change the effects addiction has had on them. A lot of the pain caused by hiding and denying what is going on. Everybody knows we only think it is a secret.

Living with active addiction touches so many lives. I hope to visit more often and maybe share some of my own story when the timing is right.

Mind over matter - honey

2011-07-30T12:02:00.005-04:00

When I was young I was a bed wetter. It was humiliating to have sleep overs at friends. My mother would call and let their mother know to protect the mattress just in case.

They really couldn't figure out why it was happening. I had surgery but nothing changed.

One night my mother came to me with a jar of honey. She said that a spoon full of honey before bed time would prevent any accidents. I loved honey so I was happy to give it a try.

It was a miracle I stopped wetting the bed almost overnight. Was it the honey or the belief in the honey. I think the latter.

Suggestions are powerful and I trusted what my mother said. I still love honey especially mixed into full fat yogurt. It is as good as ice cream and as a bonus keeps me from wetting the bed.

Finding Wholiness - Potter tales

2011-07-28T15:37:00.003-04:00

I haven't got much time before I have to leave for an appointment across town so I will attempt to write something brief.

I think I mention that I went to see the final Harry Potter movie one afternoon last week. It was serious and dismal compared the earlier ones. I guess as Harry got older life became more complicated and serious. Where is the fun in that?

At the end the school was in shambles. Then years later they were sending their own kids to school there. They never showed the school restored and as a designer I felt cheated.

The other night I watched the first movie and Dumbledore the wizard was explaining to Harry about the magic mirror. He said it shows what you long for in Harry's case his dead parents. They were right there in the mirror and Harry became obsessed at looking at the mirror.

Dumbledore told him that a healthy person would only see himself standing alone in the mirror, wanting nothing.

Shopping carts and life on the edge - Acceptance

2011-07-25T16:39:00.007-04:00

I am in charge of my cousins trust because she is somewhat disabled emotionally. She gets a check twice a month and by the time the day ends she has nothing left.

I have her rent an utilities paid directly so all that is left is food and cable. She receives enough money to live comfortably for the rest of her life but she lives like she was homeless yesterday.

This time last year I helped her to find a new apartment. She was living in a house in a rough part of town. Her husband was in jail and she couldn't keep the place up. I with my good intentions found her an apartment with all the amenities for less than what she was paying. The first visit she had put blankets over all the windows and didn't want to sleep in her new bed.

It all went down hill from there. The day after her check arrived she would be broke and proceeded to beg the neighbors for money. Bottom line it has been a year and they ask her to move.

Today was the last day she had to get out. When I went by her old place today she was cleaning and in her apartment she had three shopping carts. She hadn't plan to even clean it until I called her this morning. The apartment is destroyed and they will bill her for damages.

I found her a new home that caters to the odd and down trodden. It is a small complex and I didn't have to co-sign the lease. She has been there a couple of weeks and has made new friends and fed most of the complex. She fits in better.

I tried to get her to move there the first time but she was excited about the other place. With this place the grocery store is across the street, it is on a bus line and there is a church near by.

You have to work with what you got. Her parents were millionaires but her mother, my aunt, was a control freak and demanded perfection. She was adopted and already had emotional issues and then placed in a home with more problems. Her brother had more potential but couldn't take the pressure either and became an alcoholic.

She was on the streets a lot in her life and prefered that to living at home. She is 55 now and seems pretty happy with the way things are.

I don't blame my aunt her life was no picnic either and she never got past her own pain. She did what she thought was best but it wasn't that great for anyone else in her life.

Her kids at least will never have to live on the streets even if that is where they are the most comfortable.

Passing storms dead plants and worms

2011-07-25T10:33:00.006-04:00

I worked in the yard yesterday taking care of some long forgotten dead potted plants. I was forcing myself to just be still where I am, without giving thought to anything but the moment. That didn't totally work.

A friend had given me five flats on dwarf mondo grass six months ago. Her daughters nursery was closing and they were going to pitch them out. I knew how expensive they are because my ex and I had paid for a landscaping plan that called about a hundred of them. We never filled in the patch because even then we thought they were too expensive.

I thought wow free mondo grass. I wanted them but really didn't have a place for them in my new life, but took them anyway. In my depression I never got them planted. They have been dead for months an unidentified plants have sprouted up through the pots.

When I dumped the pots they each had worms in them so I guess it wasn't a total loss.

The whole thing made me think of how at one point in your life you can really want something and then by the time it shows up you really have no use for it. You have changed, your life has changed and you really can't remember why it was so important in the first place.

I have accepted that a lot went to waste while I was away emotionally. I feel like I am cleaning up after a storm. Happy that the storm has finally passed and ready to face the mess it left behind.

A Voyeur considering facing the final dragon

2011-07-21T16:26:00.007-04:00

I have had some news today that would normally rock my world and it did but only for a minute. I don't think I want to share that here at this moment. Nevertheless I needed a distraction so I went out to facebook to see what I could find.

Being fully awake in my life now I want to see everything just as it is. Since I have given up my story of being a girl without a family and started actually trying to have a relationship the part of my family still alive I decided to check my half sisters facebook page.

She posted a picture of our Dad with her from her wedding day. His big smiling face and her in her movie star (judgement or observation?) wedding gown. She noted that she missed him. I am her friend on facebook so I gave the picture a thumbs up.

She had a different life than me and her mom was always about the way things looked rather than what is on the inside. I didn't go to the wedding I couldn't have dealt with that whole scene.

You see it has always been about me. Locked in my own pain walking around expecting someone to understand me heal me be there for me. Stuck in a childs emotional mind.

Don't get me wrong I had to be there for as long as it took. So now what do I do about my little sister? Can I reach out and test the waters? If I mend what is broken then I will have to face my final dragon, her mother.

Her mother was the first person I encounter that I thought was pure evil. I know now it isn't true (first I wrote is true, a Freudian slip) and it wasn't personal. She is old now and has been pretty miserable most of her life. My Dad loved her unconditionally just as he did my own mother.

I have gotten over her emotionally and at my Dad's house after his funeral she actually said how much they both had loved me. REALLY! I knew my issues were with my Dad and loyalty so I never considered her as the real problem. But when I was under her rule life was no picnic.

If I want to be more than just a thumbs up on facebook it will include her mother. Can I do that now? A test of my no baggage lifestyle. Maybe.

We do have the same blood flowing through our veins. She is family. Can I see past the labels I have given her and see her without judgement.

We'll see only time will tell.

Changing my mind - A wizards way

2011-07-20T13:16:00.004-04:00

I have been reading a Deepak Chopra book The Way of the Wizard passed on to me by a friend. I find that when the messages come they come all at the same time. I know I have been harping on labels and changing our own minds but it has really been the key to freedom for me.

In the book it talks about how when we see someone or something we see it with all our past baggage attached to it. The simple example was a tree. We drive by them each day with think oh there is a tree. I know what a tree looks like and that is the image from the past we bring up. We don't look at the actual tree standing before us which is different than it was yesterday.

If we do that with the people in our lives how will we ever see the changes. I know when someone acts a certain way I expect them to be that way every time. My expectations are fulfilled so that reinforces the situation for the next time.

If I meet someone like it is the first time every day without my own baggage, instead of waiting for them to prove me wrong, maybe I can see the changes they are making.

I remember early in the program when I stopped focusing on changing someone else or in my mind an impossible situation by some miracle it took care of itself. Time and time again this worked when I stopped seeing what expected to see.

With my depression gone I have been able to let go of the fear and trust that it will all work out. Sometimes it seems like magic.

I am planting today

2011-07-15T10:22:00.003-04:00

Is this a coincidence or not? Do you believe in signs, I do. Today these words of wisdom crossed my path two different ways and I thought maybe God was trying to tell me something.

Seths Blog

The naive farmer farms as his parents, grandparents and great grandparents did. She plants, hopes and harvests. Anything that goes well or poorly is the work of the gods.

The professional farmer measures. She tests. She understands how systems work and is constantly tweaking to improve them. When failure happens, she doesn't rest until she understands why.

Today Ennegram

By planting the right crop in the right place in the right season, the farmer brings harmony to the cultivation of plants, and prosperity to his family.

Similarly, any business must adjust to the natural cycles of the season; only through flexibility and adaptation can order and growth be maintained.

We are suddenly real busy in fact last night the other designer had an appointment in the showroom. With the lights on some customers stop in around 7:30.

It feels great to have things moving again and a full plate. I took today's messages to mean carefully plant and tend to your garden. Be wise in what your planting for the future and tend to what has already been planted.

Off to work.

Where do I go from here?

2011-07-14T15:08:00.000-04:00

Homeless - A quiet place

2011-07-11T11:26:00.003-04:00

I spent the day alone yesterday. I did some stuff around the house and then decided to go to the downtown library and then to a movie. They were playing Taxi Driver at our oldest theater.

I knew I needed to get out of the house an change my perspective. I wasn't sure I really wanted company but called a friend anyway. I got my answer she couldn't go. So I headed out. I reached the library at 15 minutes until 1:00 and there was a long line of people at the door.

At first I didn't think much about it but as I parked I saw more groups of people heading in that direction. Then I realized it was our homeless population. It was nearing 90 degrees and they were looking for shelter. Everyone looked clean and presentable. We were all greeted by a five man security force.

I admit that at first I was a little afraid but my fear didn't prevent me from staying. They checked our bags for possible weapons and then let everyone through.

This library was built at the peak of prosperity and no expense was spared. Four storeys high with a huge center stairway and a couple or outdoor fountains. The reading cubes are walnut and there is a room for maps and genealogy. Plush couches and tons of computers.

Some would say it was an extravagant homeless shelter but I thought how great that we all have this beautiful structure to come to and I am sure it means more to them than it does to your average person. Plenty of room for everyone.

I thought life has taken a wrong turn for them. Could be the product of mental illness or drugs and alcohol. We have all seen the results of addiction at some point in our lives. Who knows it could just be a temporary set back.

I don't like to use the problems of others to summon gratitude in my own life. It makes me feel like I need to see someone or something as less than to make me feel I am better off. I don't know their journey just my own and accept that for today I can appreciate the grace I have been given for today.

We are all the same inside wanting the same things to be loved to have a place we feel safe. Quiet moments where we can be free from fear and this hard to come by no matter who you are.

Nesting and story telling

2011-07-09T10:51:00.004-04:00

It has happened again. I am here supposedly working and I am writing instead. This is the perils of being your own boss and being able to justify the fact that your not on the clock.

I have had a easy week with everyone else getting caught up from their own holiday week so it feels good to cruise for a couple of hours. I will be here as long as it takes to get my to do list complete.

I got a call last night from a couple I met at one of my meetings. I was just wrapping up here and deciding what to do about eating when they called to see if I wanted to go to dinner. I was surprised because this hasn't happened before.

We met at a local bar and grill and had a long interesting meal. They are going through a really tough time and losing a lot of things in their life that is important to them. Really just important to her and he is not attached to what they are losing, because it is mostly her stuff.

People say material things are not important and in the grand scheme of things they are not but for someone who has lost their family the remnants of the past is all they have left. I struggled with this in the past myself after I lost my family. I had and still have many things that were my grandmothers or even things that were a part of past relationships that are gone.

I see the stuff as a kind of substitute for the loss. A nest of sorts to comfort when the what has really been lost cannot not be replaced. It supports you when the unthinkable happens, when you lose some large chunk of your life and can't cope with the idea of losing anything else. Grasping for a something familiar to remember the joy or pain of that person or time in your life.

I can be sadly sentimental I have my ex husbands sweater that I taken on every trip I have ever been on except last week. It has been over for 20 years. Sounds crazy but I am not ashamed he never really liked that sweater anyway. I loved him and thought we would spend the rest of our lives together.

I think that not taking the sweater on this trip was yet another sign of putting the past in its place. This trip was about getting my family back or what is left of it. The timing is finally right for me to let go of the past and start fresh. I can do that now. I can change my sad story to something with a happier ending. I can let go of my pain and blame and live with what is instead of what could have been.

I am exchanging people for the memories that I have kept alive for so many years. I was lost in them for so long and didn't know it. Letting go doesn't mean I will forget it just means I don't have to make today's choices by holding them up against something that happened in the past. I can make them without baggage and as the person I am today.

I can see the past like an old cherished book to be kept on the shelf. I can take it down from time to time and let the emotions of the story wash over me if I want. I know for me by book contains some fiction and some facts but it was all real to me because it is my story.

Look how pretty those clouds are. Living in the moment

2011-07-07T17:28:00.007-04:00

On my vacation I spent time with my niece and nephews. The first two days I spent with the oldest 24 we hiked and talked non stop. We discussed the world the one we live in and the spiritual world we are striving to get to. We wrapped our visit up because he had an out of town wedding to attend. He is the professional groomsman amongst his friends.

The next few days I spent with his sister a finance major working three jobs this summer while attending to a new boyfriend. She has all the balls in the air and managed us both by inviting him to lunch with us or inviting me to lunch with them I am not sure. Very efficient and very familiar to me when I had the world by the tale.

The youngest of the three is 15 and is his own man. He is mild mannered and prefers electronics and machines to conversation. He did make it clear to me that he was available for hiking himself after his job as camp counselor ended at 3 each day. I apparently was neglecting him. His job as counselor consisted of taking the kids hiking each day so I assumed he would prefer his games to his aunt. I was wrong.

One afternoon we decided to drive up the parkway to Skinny Dip Falls. His sister was going to go with us if she could juggle her schedule. I think he wanted her to go because he thought I would get lost on the parkway like his mom. We waited and when she was a no show we took off on our own.

It was a long drive 45 minutes high in the mountains. I asked him some questions and he answered them. It was mostly quiet except when we came upon a mile marker and we calculated how far we had to go. After a long bit of silence we rounded one curve and he said look how pretty those clouds are.

Wise beyond his years comfortable with quiet and seeing the beauty before him. Isn't that what peace is all about? Living in the moment.

Finding more freedom from the past - New labels

2011-07-05T12:01:00.005-04:00

I mentioned before that during a meeting someone said "what would you do if you had no fear?" In my mind I said I would take off and see my sister. So I did.

The timing was right for me and my customers. Maybe not perfect for anyone else with the owner out of town but I decided to just do it anyway. I have played the part of manager and keeper of all things over and over again. I don't need this label I have given myself. I am good at it but that doesn't mean I have to do it again and again.

Miracle of miracles everything went fine a couple of crisis but nothing with my customers. I felt strange being out of character but I got over it pretty quick. I don't want a permanent role I want to be free. This is a daily choice to be free from past definitions of myself.

The trip was the best ever probably because it was like visiting for the first time. I was different I was free from my childish self and able to meet my sister as one adult to another. In the past I had baggage. This time we talked one adult to another the timing was perfect. I said I was sorry I hadn't been there for her the past 10 years and she said she was sorry she left me with my dad and stepmother at 13.

I had to get rid of my demons from the past before this embrace could happen. I have felt alone since the death of my mom and it was painful to be around my sister. She did have a relationship with my dad that I did not. It was important to her because she had children. I felt judged and was judged for my decision to stay away.

Time uncovers truths when the opportunity is right. Our black and white views become gray with age and we can either choose to open our eyes or bury our heads a little deeper. My mom taught us that the truth will set you free and we both got that.

We are starting fresh no past to hinder us and this is quite the miracle. I am able to accept her as she is instead of who I want her to be. I told her that I wanted her to have what I had and she said she just wanted me to have what she had. Who cares now we got what we got and some of it was good and some of it was bad.

Finally letting go of the past and accepting the present is all I have to work with frees me from the restrictions I put on myself. It is my own thoughts about the past that binds me.

Space and time - Let me think about that

2011-06-22T17:11:00.006-04:00

I have been considering where I want to go from here regarding this blog and 12 step work. With my recent revelations about being fully awake I wanted to share what I can about how I got here.

Step 12 - Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps try to carry this message to others, and practice these principles in all our affairs.

I am a practical person and always want to cut to the chase. It was never about the journey for me but the destination. When I recently reached, in my mind, the destination, I was devastated. I untied the final knot in the tangle mess I have carried for my whole life and I felt the fear of all fears there was nothing left.

The silence was deafening. I realized that I had created what I had perceived as myself. In all my millions of thoughts I had established the character of myself and maintained the character by reinforcing those opinions with more thoughts. When I repeated my story to others they would help me to reinforce my story. I was stuck in the pain of the events of my life because without the story, who would I be?

This idea occurred to me when the woman who was a brain doctor had a stroke and lost her memory. She said she was free of past pain and could focus on what she wanted to do today. She also said she had to emotionally read people to know whether to trust them or not. She didn't remember them so all she had was her own intuition.

About this time you might be thinking I am nuts and I am. Even though it might sound arrogant to say I have reached the end of my journey but it is actually very humbling. In my mind I made myself the most important thing. My focus on the pain of the past kept me unconscious to the present and all that is before me. I made it complicated because making it complicated makes me more important.

I have some cleaning up to do from the fall out of delving even deeper into self-absorption. I had to go there because I went. There are no mistakes.

Step Nine: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Why am I always surprised when there is yet another spiritual awakening. I can't believe I am going to have to say this: it is about the journey and at this point my bags are empty so traveling will be light.

In the words of a great spiritual teacher. How would feel without that thought? Can we let it go of our painful thoughts and free ourselves.

Finding Joy - Super 8 - Letting go

2011-06-21T11:39:00.005-04:00

I did some cleaning Sunday as part of my new slogan "Embrace it or get rid of it". I went through some photo albums of my first family vacation with my ex. I could see I was unhappy on that trip. I already felt trapped. I remember painting pottery. It was the one thing at the resort that I could get in to.

I know it was nobody's fault. I have hurried through my life without stopping and asking myself, what do I really want to do with my time? Opportunities just presented themselves and I said might as well because I didn't have a better plan.

It is easy to just accept what comes your way or just go with the flow. I discovered recently that I have to find out what is fun for me and try different things. Even if that means doing things alone or facing failure.

The first thing I discovered was that I like to go to the movies alone in the middle of the day. A big empty theater with gigantic sound thrills me. I like being alone doing this because I don't have to coordinate with anyone. I can just drive to the theater and see the next movie.

I saw Super 8 Imax yesterday. It was great and only five people in the theater. The Imax part was a splurge but worth it. How can such a simple thing as going to the movies in the middle of the day be so much fun.

I think I have spent my life making things run smoothly for the greater good and never felt appreciated. I didn't think I was doing for the appreciation I thought I was doing it to make the lives of others better but I neglected my own needs in the process.

This has been my life lesson up until now. I have repeated this over and over. I put my time and energy into something and I make it run perfectly. I am invisible and then I get dumped or fired depending on the situation. I am shocked every time.

This happens to everyone at some point but I think I for me the solution is to stop doing this at the expense of my own wants and needs. Before I didn't want to spend the energy finding out what those wants and needs were so I ended just taking care of the needs of others.

So now I am just going to look for the things that give me joy and not worry about keeping things together. Can I really do that? Can I give up feeling responsible for the happiness of others? Can I let what happens happen without interfering?

I might be surprise who steps up or how things work out if I let go. Wish me luck.

Angry man update - You never know

2011-06-18T16:15:00.003-04:00

I wrote last week about this really angry man that came into the showroom. Demanding and surly. He said he wanted the cheapest counter-top we had because they weren't going to live long.

We got into confrontation on what would be required for a deposit and he said he wasn't giving a deposit and I said if he could find that deal somewhere else he should take it. He stormed out.

I was surprised when his wife called me and wanted me to come and measure today. It was a bit daunting to think about being on his territory and having another confrontation. But I put my fears aside and went to their house this afternoon.

When I got there he was sitting inside the garage smoking. It is 100 degrees today. He was breaking from cutting the grass at 3:00 in the afternoon. Did I mention it is 100 degrees today. He said hello and I ask if I should go to the front door he said yes and his wife opened the door.

I walked in and she immediately told me that her son had a brain embolism and died two weeks ago suddenly. She showed me a necklace she just picked up with his fingerprint on it, he was only 41.

No wonder he said they were all going to die soon. Their son had started renovating the kitchen for them and hadn't finished.

As I was leaving she thanked me for coming after what happened last weekend. She said he is handling things his own way. I waved goodbye to him as I was leaving.

Life is not fair. I don't have kids but it seems like that would be particularly hard to come to terms with losing a child. It is out of the natural order of things.

I thought I was glad I didn't refuse to come to her house. It made think about all the people you meet that are angry or rude. Something made them that way. Maybe something that happened that day or a week ago or even ten years ago, who knows.

Solutions - Step Four - Layers of resentment

2011-06-17T13:14:00.005-04:00

This picture of steps makes me think of how when you are working the steps there is a little landing to rest on before you continue.

When I find myself in yet another place of letting go or in this case of jumping off I have to stop and reflect on how I got here.

When I started the program I believed that most things were concrete and had to be endured. Life dished out bad stuff and you suffered through the best you could. You were permanently scarred by your parents and a situation outside your control and you have to learn to live with the broken person you have become.

What the program and other spiritual adventures eventually brought me to was that wasn't really true. It was only true if I believed it to be true. That statement brought up a lot of resistance in my own mind. Things did happen to me so what do you mean it is my choice to continue to give those things power over me.

I didn't want it to be in my control I wanted someone to pay, someone to say they were sorry and then I wanted to find someone that I could trust that would never ever hurt me that way again. I was living in a fantasy.

Because of my confusion and pain I was no where ready to give up my cherished bag of righteous indignation. This is where the fourth step came in the first time. I think this is why we avoid it for as long as possible because after one, two, three we feel pretty good but we know within the fourth step lies secrets. Secrets that we have hidden about ourselves, terrible stuff.

Letting go of what we fear most frees us. My first fourth step was just the story of my life as I perceived it. At that time from a child's perspective. The neglect and isolation while my mother was sick. Then how my father chose my step mother over me and ending with my ex-husband choosing another woman over me. Can anyone see a pattern here? This was all I could handle acknowledging who wronged me. Resentments.

Then the next time around it got a little more serious, who did I wrong. In my mind nobody I was clearly the victim in my life and wallowing in self-pity and wanting comfort. I still do this but at least I can see it now. I had to own up to hurting other people. I really did the hurting in an unconscious way. I was hard as nails and ignored their opinions and pretended they didn't have feelings. I had gotten rid of my feelings, so I thought, after all those disappointments I wasn't about to feel bad for you.

This kind of thinking kept me stuck for a long time especially when it came to getting over my issues with my dad. I had to find a way to see him as human. One adult to another not from the child's view. From a child's perspective I wanted more but I didn't get it so how does hating him make me a happier person.

It wasn't that simple. First I had to make him human I did this by thinking about his life as a child. There was no love there and he was responsible for rounding up this siblings for regular beatings. As an adult he became a pacifist he wanted no conflict. I had to see this first.

Years later after I lost the most important person in my own life I had to see that my step mother ended his grief over my mother and he wasn't about to let anything change that. No, he wasn't acting in my best interest, he just wanted to be happy.

The next part of the healing of the fourth step is I had to ask myself, have I ever hurt someone else when I was just trying to feel better myself? Have I ever done anything without regard to another persons feelings. In grief did I do anything out or survival. Yes, but I expected more from him because he was my father. Did other people expect more from me? Yes. Am I capable of doing to others what has been done to me. Yes, I didn't believe that until I starting listing my grievances and turning them around.

Can I really expect people to treat me better than I treat them? This is a daily thing for me to look at (step 10). You spot it you got it they say. An on going issue. I ask myself, have I ever done that? It is humbling. So I have to let go and see it is not personal. I don't get up each day and plan to treat people bad. If I do hurt someone it is because I am not fully aware. The steps keep me awake. They help me see my own limitations and accept that we all have them.

This is just a little piece of my experience with the fourth step and the way I finally let go of my biggest resentment over my dad. But this happened in layers. Each time I was in pain it gave me an opportunity let more of it go.

I discovered that my thoughts were hurting me not something that happened when I was a helpless child. I see that no matter what I can't change that time in my life but I can keep the thought of it from hurting me now.

It is the end or just the beginning.

2011-06-15T17:03:00.006-04:00

I mentioned before that I feel as if my quest for truth has come to an end. This really scared me to see the gaping hole that will be left as I abandon my search for God. What I have found is that he has been here all along, I have just had my eyes shut.

I wanted to find the secret formula for happiness and for curing what ails me. I wanted it to be complicated and the road less traveled. I wanted the experience to be unique and special to me. God doesn't work that way he knows we are all equally special because he made us.

I am not saying I have found utopia or that the conclusion I have come to would or should work for anyone else. I just know that my journey for the truth has come to an end and going forward I am willing to accept the grace of each day. I feel free for the first time since I was eight and spent the summer making mud pies.

How did I get here? Through the steps mostly. This part of the story is unique to me. It was my journey and I was stuck for awhile and then I wasn't. I wanted it to be complicated because I am complicated. This statement defines me. I want to believe I am special and there lies the problem. It keeps me stuck and simple frees me.

The steps are simple for a reason. Even if I decided to make them complicated it is because I was sick and in my sickness I have to make it hard. I understand hard simple not so much.

Could it be that freedom from pain is as simple as 12 steps? Is it my need to make it hard that slows me down? My need to feel special that keeps me in the I am broken loop.

I have never before felt this way. I knew my mind wasn't 100% willing to relinquish control over me but I never thought it really thrived on holding me back.

Over the past months I have struggled with this idea. The idea of letting go of the search for God and just living. My mind was against this and the backlash was huge. You will have nothing left of who you thought you were and will be a simple minded fool. Your life will be empty and you will be bored. My biggest fear.

I broke free and ran like the wind, just like I did when I was eight. I was able to see that without this search I could be a giver and not a taker. I could fill my time living instead searching. I could offer comfort instead of asking for comfort. I could learn to be comfortable being fixed instead of comfortable being broken.

So what is next? I don't really know and it doesn't matter. I am sure my ego will try to find ways to sabotage my freedom. What do you think you are perfect? Yes, I am perfectly human and have done the best I could even when sometimes even my best wasn't good enough. It is the past and today I choose better.

I am playing it be ear now. I have made plans to go see my sister when the owner comes back next week. I am on a quest for joy now and we will see where that takes me.

Embrace it or get rid of it - Baggage

2011-06-13T14:17:00.004-04:00

Embrace it or get rid of it. This is what I came up with during my meditation and journaling yesterday. I am where I am and it is my own lack of acceptance that keeps me in turmoil. There isn't really anything in my life now that couldn't be changed.

First my biggest issue is work. Should I stay or should I go? Do I stay and accept the uncertainty or do I get out there and find something else? It is my choice to continue as I am waffling and whining.

Second my house it too big for just me. This isn't really true and it is a great house. It is perfect for me but lately I have also felt like it is another burden. It seems everything in my life is a burden. This view keeps me tired and climbing some endless hill.

Even the small stuff is weighing me down these days. It is my thoughts that make me feel this way, no one is making me do anything but me. So I must embrace those things in my life or get rid of them.

My friend said that was black and white thinking but I don't think so. I see it more as accepting what is or moving on. Bringing your whole self to the party or not showing up at all.

If your on the fence you give other people mediocrity. The weight of indecision or just tolerance doesn't serve anyone. So finding a way to look at the situation so I can see it as my choice instead of seeing myself as powerless is the only answer. If I can't do that I got to let it go.

I have been resisting my life since the break up and holding on the hope that I will feel secure and happy again someday. Why can't that be today? I wasn't happy there for a long time. I was fat from filling my void with food and I developed health problems. This came up today because I am changing insurance and they had questions about my temporary asthma. I haven't had that since the day I left there I was suffocating.

Why can't I accept that being on my own is not some tragic void but an open road with endless possibilities. Letting go of something that is not there anymore anyway, how can that be so hard? Why must I let the past define who I am today? Without the stories or grievances will I be empty?

For me I get really scared every time I decide that something is no longer serving me spiritually. The baggage. Who will I be without it? Free. Free to replace it with something better something that brings me joy today. What if I don't know what that is? So I guess I can stay in the old familiar stories or I can take a leap of faith and make some new ones.

Confrontation - Manipulation

2011-06-11T12:50:00.005-04:00

After dinner last night my friends and I were discussion our alcoholic relationships that got us into the program. All the stories were similar from the standpoint of the slow erosion of our own self-worth to the eventual total domination.

One person said that she thought she had lost her mind because her husband told her regularly that she never said that. Finally she started writing things down and reading them to him just to prove to herself that she wasn't crazy. Only an Al-Anon would do that.

I know now this a two way street that you give away your power as much as it is taken but when you live with alcoholism or a sociopath even the most self-confident person can be manipulated. When something is said with such conviction you tend to question yourself and what you remember. My ex would regular tell me, "don't be ridiculous" when things didn't add up and I became suspicious of his drinking an cheating.

It is tricky because in a new relationship you are so in love and eager to please so you give in and then it becomes expected. My experience is with sick relationships that you become isolated with only one person for feedback and everything is distorted. The program helped me to become more whole and less dependant on validation from other people. Every one's opinion has equal weight and we can agree to disagree. Not thinking if I don't agree with you you wont like me. This might be true but now I am willing to take that chance.

Today I had a confrontation with a man that came in with his wife. She and his mother came in yesterday to look at counter tops and she said she would bring him back in today. He was very abrupt and said he wanted the cheapest possible because they were not going to live much longer.

When I gave him the price he said he wasn't going to pay for it until it was installed and he was happy with the product. I said we required a deposit and once I paid for the slab and it was cut for his kitchen it could not be used for anything else. He said he was good for his word and I said we have been here for 35 years and are also good for out word.

I felt bad for his wife I could see she was embarrassed by him and said she would call me later or not. He was angry at the world and she seemed use to managing him I did that with my ex and it is exhausting. Today I am comfortable in my own skin and can remain calm even when faced when facing a bully.

We need the business but sometimes it is better to not take on someone you know will be a problem. Life is too short. He was going to show me that he was in charge. I felt sorry for him living with so much anger.

It did shake me up for a couple of hours. I handled myself well even though my heart was pounding.