I am baking bread this morning and contemplating what this day means to the the Christian world. I do describe myself as a Christian even though I don't meet the standards of my childhood upbringing. Jesus and I have come to an understanding I love and respect him and he forgives me for blaming him for all the bad things my family did to me in his name.
The lack of love I received made me want to reject anything that they professed to love and Jesus and the Church was at the top of the list. I once said if my Dad was going to heaven then I didn't want to go. Fortunately all my bitterness has washed away with time and grace I have been able to see that he was just a man ill equipped to deal with the death of his wife and the emotions of two girls without a mother. He did what seemed like the quickest way to happiness remarried another christian women. This worked out for him but not so much for the two girls.
I get it now and I am no longer looking for someone to take responsibility for leaving me in the lurch. It happens all the time we all put ourselves before the greater good of everyone involved. We can't help it life is short and we just want to find some happiness somewhere even if it means hurting someone else. The hurt is never intentional it is just a bi-product of our search for happiness.
Those that sacrifice everything in this case Jesus making the ultimate sacrifice thinking of only the greater good of the human race is saying it all. Even if you don't buy the whole story it is a pretty spectacular idea. He did have doubts and he did experience loneliness even though he knew he would come back he also knew that to come back he would have to suffer and die alone.
In my own life I have had many spiritual deaths followed by great periods of growth. I felt rejected by the people who claimed they loved me. In my darkest hours I didn't want to go on and felt that being here waste of time. It was in those hours that I surrendered to my own spiritual death and ask for help from the unseen. Within moments I felt better and today I see clearly just how lost I was and how far I have come and I am grateful.
The story of Christ's death and resurrection is the story of human existence. He began speaking the truth and had great multitudes of people following him but in the end he had to face the worst on his own. Even though surrounded by people no one could take his place. It was a journey of one.
Ironically I am making bread for Easter dinner at a friends house. She requested it last night so I got up this morning and started baking. Bread does represent the body of Christ in the Christian world I thought how appropriate for the day. I feel peaceful today not wanting for anything.
