Triggers from the past - I don't belong anymore

I am off today and sometimes struggle with whether I should work or not.  This only happens on the Mondays I am off and never when I am off Saturday and Sunday.  It rained all weekend and I was in a funk yesterday feeling trapped inside instead of working in the yard which is my favorite thing this time of year.  When I don't have specific plans I feel like I could be working. 

I had a little bit of an emotional trigger with that came up while I was working through an old Sudoku puzzle book. I found it mixed in with my travel books and decided to see if I could still do them.   

The book starts out light and easy then moderate and then demanding.  The past few weeks I have been proud of myself for bringing my brain up to speed so quickly and was looking forward tackling the demanding.  When I turned the page they had been filled out. The first couple completely and the the next two with tiny little numbers in each box. It was my ex's hand writing so tiny and distinct. I forgot when we traveled we shared these books. Back then I didn't believe I was smart enough to do the demanding one. 

I was surprised by the feelings that washed over me when I saw that tiny print. The next day I made things worse because I had an appointment near my old house and I couldn't resist a a drive by.  I was happy that I felt nothing being there it is no longer my part of town and the yard and house looked a bit neglected. I am not there to take care of those things.  

That night I pulled out the book and erased the ones that had been filled out but not completed. I know now I can complete the puzzles on my own. It is funny how things can trigger emotions from the past and for me I have learned just to lean into it instead of resisting the feelings, This will make them pass quicker. 

My life is not the life I had imagined I would have so many years ago. I am happy with the life I have created for myself even if occasionally I wander back into the past. It is normal to do that it is only when you think you could have done something to change it that gets you into trouble. Everything is always changing and it is when we resist we get in trouble. 

I have finished two demanding puzzles and I am moving on. I did actually go out today and buy and plant some more flowers. Work will be there tomorrow waiting for me. 

Enjoying spring - Wishing things were different

I have spent this we doing what I want to do which is plant and plant some more.  I have planted about 75 flowers in my front yard they don't look like much but, in about a month they will be spectacular.  I of course will be back in work mode and probably won't notice.

It feels great to be just doing what I want for a week.  I normally take my precious time off traveling to see my family who can hardly fit me into their busy schedules. My sisters kids are older now and sometimes they take some time with me and that feels good. 

In our family we are about getting things done. For my sister it is cerebral more than physical and for me it is both. It seesaws to the extreme one way or the other and I find physical jobs rewarding because you can really do both at the same time.  

Unfortunately as I get older and happier I feel less interested and making a trip in hopes that someone will spend a few hours with me. I think I have healed the hole in me that felt like I should belong somewhere with someone.  They are my family.

I have found that you can be in a crowd or in a relationship and feel completely alone so what is the difference. My friend from grammar school who I talk to once every couple of weeks ask me if I had spoken to anyone this week. This is her way of worrying about me and my solitude. I have always enjoyed my time alone but always felt guilty about not wanting to socialize. 

I have spoken to people this week in fact I went over to someone house and had dinner last night.  Someone from my early program years they were a big part of my thirties and it was a special time for all of us. Most of the core group has gone their separate ways but recently we have reconnected.  

If we continue to grow our parts don't fit together like they use to anymore. I have felt this through out my life but refused to acknowledge it. In every relationship things become routine and starts to feel forced. When I have tried to make it work and it doesn't it starts making me feel sick inside. Ultimately I am there in body only not wanting to be honest and just get out. 

I wonder why I am different than most who relish the bonds of a lifetime. Maybe I was made too independent with my mothers death. I knew I was on my own and that seemed natural. I learned to just get things done without counting on anyone else. 

The relationships I have had were only good if I fulfilled a long list of things that had to be done to make the other person happy. This was never two ways as long as I did everything right without expecting anything in return all was well. I eventually felt like what they really wanted was a servant. I did these things originally out of love but without appreciation or even acknowledgement it felt life a burden and resentment grew.

I have enjoyed this week so much and I think it is because it is without the guilt of feeling I should be different then I am. With the pandemic I have felt less guilty about enjoying my time alone. I am not asking myself why I am alone. 

I understand my family and I do wish they had more time for me but it has always been this way. I use to be a person that could pretend that things were different than they are but I had an awakening and you just can't go back. Accepting things as they are instead of the way you wish they were is spiritual maturity.  Besides I can be ignored during the holidays and the food will be better. 

  

Avoiding Suffering - Finding Joy

My mind is always trying to simplify things which is different than it use to be when complicated thinking kept me from living my life. I was always out there in the future or worse reliving the past over and over trying to gleam some knowledge that would help me avoid some future disaster.  Did this work?

This is a laughable question.  We think we can out think life and prepare for what could be coming but what happens is something that wasn't on the list at all. We think with self improvement we can spot our own flaws and avoid the same mistakes twice.  Does this work?

This another laughable question. I blame my analytical mind for wasting most of my life trying to solve the puzzle of  human existence. I thought if I tried hard enough I could avoid repeating the mistakes of others and repeating my own mistakes and avoid suffering. 

When something unexpected either something small like a bad day at work or something big like loss of someone you love it feels personal. In my own life I took it personally but even worse I felt responsible and didn't have the maturity to see that it wasn't something I had done. Thanks to my upbringing I thought when my mother died God was punishing me for not being a perfect. I was strong willed and I needed to be to change this seemed logical to me.

Then I got a new mother and she hated me and treated me with constant disdain. I tried to be good but nothing I did was good enough. I did everything as perfectly as I could but I was not lovable.  I didn't belong so I left.  I jumped into any relationship that made me feel secure even for a moment. I attracted those that wanted to possess me this made me feel loved and protected. Like me they all had the same problem of not being enough. 

I looked every where for  the part I thought I had missing. I never found a place where I fit. I couldn't accept the failings of my life and of my relationships. The Al-Anon program taught about acceptance and I accepted the shortcomings of other but not myself. I knew if I worked harder I could get the life that played out in my head. 

My failures intersected a decade ago when I  lost everything that I thought defined me. I had done everything to the best of my ability and it hadn't worked. I had no where to go and my mind could not grasp the situation and it broke. I had nothing left to begin again.  

After a lifetime the person I had been was gone. I fought hard at first to pretend I was still there but this made me feel worse.  Finally I heard "let go" and I did.  I thought at that moment I would die but it was quite the opposite I felt nothing. The whirling thoughts in my mind disappeared and it was quiet for the first time. It felt weird with nothing there but I got use to it and then I started to enjoy it.

I told myself "okay this is who you are now - it isn't so bad" I had no labels for myself that I had to live up to. At the time I didn't even imagine a future for myself. I just stayed where I was until I eventually moved on. First small things caught my attention while things that I use to love faded altogether. Without much effort mainly just in time I became a new person or who I was beneath all the along.

Today I am happy and I don't waste time scolding myself for my flaws. I also know that I will face what ever comes when it gets here. The future is unknown and only our ability to bounce back is important.  We can't live happy lives if we are always bracing ourselves for the worse.  We will miss the joy today has to offer us and see the people that may not be part of our lives in the future. 

This is something I do regret about my constant forward and future motion I missed the real moments life had to offer.  I spent my waking hours focused on the future and the pain I carried with me instead of just being there. Nothing stays the same as time marches on so love moments instead of planning a future that is only in your mind. The future is today. 

This is a time of year that we celebrate miracles and I consider myself a miracle. I did not believe that I could be happy again. I didn't know that I could start the day singing and not just surviving. I am grateful for my journey even though I lost a lot years.  I don't plan on losing another day on the future.