Living with alcoholism - Addiction is isolating - being enough

I am in full blown creative mode which hasn't left me much time for my life long pastime of regurgitating the story of my life. I feel unstuck for the first time ever. I attribute this to counseling and having someone actually give me feedback that it is not my fault that my life turned out like it did and I can let go of thinking there is something wrong with me because I am not like most people. I could never conform even when I wanted to.  

Believe me I tried during my early years aiming for the picture perfect like. I was ambitious and pushed my husband as hard as I could to create the life I thought would make us happy. We both had tough childhoods losing our mothers at 11 and raising ourselves after leaving home early.  We were children raising children with a lot wrong ideas in our heads. 

I think we both did alright ultimately even though I really don't know emotional how things are for him. I know he raised two boys and on on his twitter account is says "God let me be the man my children think I am".  

We were in our 20's and had a lot of baggage and he medicated his with alcohol and anger. I medicated mine with him.  The kind person I met and fell in love with disappeared little by little over our nine year marriage.  I thought that it was somehow my fault. There was something wrong with me and I was not enough.  I use to be enough and to keep him I would have to try harder. I would have to be perfect to keep him happy. 

I tried to be perfect an meet his every demand but nothing worked. I soon became a target and the intimacy we had known as two motherless people finding our way together was over. He used my secret insecurities as weapons making me feel that it was my fault that he wasn't happy. I believed him because he was the only one in my life. 

Addition is isolating and the nature of the disease is that it is - cunning - baffling - powerful. I was a girl then in love and I hand met the one person I thought understood me and actually saw me. The idea of not being enough or even normal has been the theme of life.

I think I stayed stuck for so long because I didn't have anyone telling me otherwise. Al-Anon help me to have a better relationship with myself and I moved on. When the same relationship happened a second time for the same reasons I went back to believing it was me. How could I have repeated the same relationship again. This time there wasn't any verbal abuse it was more like my childhood just indifference. Still alcohol still infidelity but at least no verbal abuse. Progress I guess.

I rounding out my counseling and feel actually like I can be really free for once. I feel open and capable instead of living in my usual dome of protection. I am letting people back into my life and actually feel ready give instead living on the defense.  

It feels strange really to feel so empty of pain from the past. This week I went back to a portrait class I helped support almost 9 years ago and they were really happy to see me. I was in such pain back then and only wanted to survive. I could never have imagined feeling the freedom I feel now. 

 

Finding Peace - Energy - Letting Go

I saw a video explaining one persons version of how energy works between people and how when you let go of someone suddenly you get a call.  This has happened to me so many times especially with the intense addictive relationships where as long as I was grasping they were running.  Sometimes even the day I felt like I truly let go I would get that long desired call.

Depending on my spiritual maturity at that time I would move on or start grasping again. The videos explanation was that we are like energetic magnets and when we are incomplete without someone or something our wanting actually repels the very person or thing we want.  

This spoke to me on some many levels of attraction. How if you just think of someone without the "I wish they would call me" and you stay neutral then suddenly they call. I can also relate that to customers if I really like someone and I can't wait to work with them they seem to disappear maybe my neediness is driving them away. This has happened so many times.

I have been making a lot of progress in my counseling sessions even though you would think at this age I have addressed it all.  I feel a freedom that I have have never felt before really ever. I attribute this to the use of EMDR and also my willingness to really to see my misguided (immature)  thinking and "let go" the theme of the blog.

I have spent my life wanting things to be different than they have been and then blaming myself for causing these things to happen. Then I stayed mad I myself for not just moving on and accepting that this is how it is. The brain I was given is constantly striving for improvement and working towards a goal.  This is great for getting things done but not for just accepting that somethings happen to us that is totally out of our control and not our fault. I want to be in charge.

I have ended up just isolating thinking I was the problem and didn't trust myself to not make another mistake. The immature side of me really believed I could out smart pain and loss. Sadly I am human and have to live the life of ever human before me and wasting what time I have left trying to solve the unsolvable it crazy. 

I will never measure up to the version I have of myself or the version of my future all I have is today and even that is not completely reliable. Life is random and we can never be prepared for what lays before us good or bad. What I have found for myself is to just think about the possibility of joy today. In my mind I also imagine feeling joy in the future what ever that looks like for me. 

Right now I am heading towards creativity and enjoying today without grasping or feeling like I am coming up short by not meeting my own expectations. I do have big fussy goals for a life that feels joyful. Despite what comes I will be able to feel joy even if it is just the small things. I will be okay no matter what I can find the place inside where I feel peace.

I will accept that even when things seem scary or out of control that all I can do to help things is to maintain a place of peace within. I will not add to the energy of fear or hate that will only give it more power.