Labels we give ourselves - Fear - I am still here

I seemed to be in a time of peace personally regardless of how my last post sounded.  It is rare for me to just have a longish uninterrupted time period when I am not filled with some kind of mild anxiety. It usually comes in the form of not doing enough. Wasting precious time without accomplishing something.

This holiday period feels different to me despite the fact that we are surrounded by death and our leader is totally uninterested in even talking about it. As I have mentioned before I lived with a milder version of this type of personality and the best way to cope is to not react to them at all. The media can't help themselves and when he is gone - just like with my relationship - life will seem dull and empty. 

At first you feel relief and then it feels as though something is wrong. You chase around looking for something to fill the void that has been left. You are addicted to the chaos of living day to day on the edge of something. We are a country that thrives on reality TV because we can't stand our own company. The news networks will be in withdrawal when this is over and it will be over.  

Like it or not this is just another form of addiction the need to be entertained every minute afraid to address the dark thoughts we have about ourselves. These thoughts stem from how we interpreted our lives when we were children and not fully formed. To heal we have to address the lies and see that they are holding us back. 

I have never faced the fears I have about myself willingly. I had to have mental breakdown that left me void of all feelings before I faced my own fears. I gave up all the attachments I had that defined who I thought I was. I realized that no matter what I lost I was still here a human still on this planet.

The labels I had created for myself that were gone didn't keep me from existing. The idea of who I was that didn't fit anymore and were just in my own head. My own story created with the character of me was only in my head and I had to move on.

Today I am enjoying reading something that has required too much focus for me over the past few years. Reading saved me when my first husband left. I slept with 10 to 20 books in the space he vacated in my bed sometimes so many I barely had enough room to sleep. Mostly self help but I was looking for the answer to my painful life. To read for pleasure seems so strange.

The virus has a lot of us alone with our child within and we are forced to cope with our fears. It feels like we are being chased and if we turn around it will be over. This is not true no thought can hurt us unless we believe that it is more than a thought. My lie was that I was unlovable that something at the core of me made me different than other people and made me unlovable. 

Where did I get the idea I was unlovable it came from feeling like I was a burden to my family because I was high energy and excited about life.  I had a million questions and a million more creative ideas to pursue and life's routine was slowing me down. As a child I couldn't believe people could be happy with what they were doing day to day and not questioning wasting so much time.

Okay enough of the soap box.  I am grateful for the life I have lived and my circumstances now. I am grateful that I am a driven person always getting things done. I am also grateful for the devastation that made me see that without this drive I was still a whole and complete person. It made me lean into nothingness and seeing that it couldn't hurt me. 

Losing my identity gave me the chance to start over and with no work on my part I could slowly pick up the pieces that still felt like me and leave behind everything else. I could accept the fact that I would never be the same and look forward to the new me. Maintaining who I thought I was was exhausting.

I have five days off for the holiday and I am just puttering around the house doing what I want.  I don't have any projects on my list yet.  I am going with the flow and resting while I can which is nice.

Have a Merry Christmas even if you are social distancing and know good or bad "this too shall pass". 

 

More lies I tell myself - 4th step work - Villains in my story

I have written 16000 plus words in the last 24 hours. It wasn't intentional but I began to write the story of my life as now view from where I am today.  I always ask myself if this is healthy for me or is it someway to put down deeper grooves in places in my brain that I am trying heal.

I think the love affair with our story can keep us stuck forever if we want. It is only in our own mind and anyone that we include in that story has no input in the story we have created. They can't defend themselves or explain what they were thinking at the time. It is just our version of the story.

We can make them the villain and us the hero whenever we want.  I know most people will think that they know exactly what happened and why the other person was wrong and they were right.  This of course how we live with the choices we have made and the wrongs that have been done to us.

I get it.  It is how we cope with the nature of what life dishes out to us. Our brain just keeps washing over these details until we feel better about them or more justified in the pain we carry inside. Again the other players not able to defend themselves.

Over the years I have done this kind of writing first really a fourth step and then again years later to see how far I have come healing the hurts. With every pass I see less and less pain towards the villains in my story. I can see just how screwed up my own thinking was when I entered these situations. Can I forgive them - Can I forgive myself. It comes down to our motives and there motives. 

I have forgiven just about all of the villains in my story except really one. My stepmother. I am not sure why I feel this way. Maybe because she was the one person that had the opportunity to change the course of my life. If she had been a better person and realize I was just a girl who had just lost her mother. She could have made me feel safe and loved. I know she had her own problems. 

Don't try to talk me out of this it won't work. I know intellectually that hurt people hurt people and I have done my share of hurting people. Her words her actions made my then developing brain believe that I was not enough and that to be loved I had to earn it. I had to be whoever another person wanted me to be. To be me was just not good enough.

I have to be honest after the writing I have done I was getting this message before she entered my life. I was a unique child and ask a lot questions. I was got whippings in name of love for having a mind of my own. Nobody appreciates independent thinkers. 

In my experience we are just weirdos alone on our on paths. I have been lucky to learn slowly to embrace myself and find a niche that doesn't draw too much attention to my uniqueness. I can do what I want and enjoy my life in the shadows. I have had my time in the sun and enjoying my anonymity. 

I think writing is good it has saved me plenty of times. Writing in my journal and especially writing here. I don't regurgitate my past too often but this weekend it felt right to me. I know the areas that need work because I get stuck and feel a little sick to my stomach. I have to take a break and begin again. 

I have healed my sad story by seeing the courage of my young self and I did beat the odds that were against. I was smarter than I ever gave myself credit for no matter what successes I had. I feel good today and happy to able to share my journey here. 

 

Something is in the air - What is coming

Sometimes you just feel like you are on the edge of something. You don't really know why but there is something in the air. This time of year especially for me I get a little more time for reflection since it is way past getting anything major project done before the holidays. 

It  is a beautiful day here at least 70 degrees and I felt for a moment inspired to go to the basement and get my wreath for the front door.  For a moment I looked at all the boxes marked Christmas and then decided to pull them down one by one. I had a whole box of lights marked 2012 and decided to open it. 

Each set of lights inside had been carefully wrapped in loop and tied with a twist tie. This is when I thanked myself for being on the OCD side of life.  I was able to just plug each group of lights in and see if they worked and all but one still did. I put them back in the box to carry upstairs along the wreath. 

When I got to the top of the stairs I stopped and thought "do I really care about this kind of stuff anymore?" I wonder what happened to the person that lived and loved this kind of stuff? Is this what happens when you get older and you have less people in you life?

Sometimes I wish could go back to being that person.  The truth is that person hasn't existed since I was a child and maybe that is how it should be. In my twenties living with active alcoholism I demanded that my husband help me go all out decorating for Christmas. I remember we spelled out NOEL over the garage using about a million nails. He thought I was nuts and maybe he was right. I wasn't happy.

I couldn't let what was happening in our real lives affect the perfect Christmas. We would go to a Christmas tree farm every year and cut down our tree. The first year we split I made him go with me anyway thinking this would re-kindle our love and he would leave his girlfriend for me. Can you imagine how pleasant this was for us. I do think this shows he did at least respect me to agree to this. He could have just been terrified to cross me at that point. 

I have to admit I don't let myself get attached to anything or anybody these days.  Dealing with the pandemic and being ask to isolate has been a perfect match for me.  Before I would feel guilty for not making plans or seeing anyone over the weekend but now I can hide behind the pandemic.

I see plenty of people during the week and do have conversations over the phone so the quiet is nice. The question of the day is will I put up those Christmas lights? Maybe. 

I feel neither happy or sad today and have spent the day doing errands and watching Hallmark. This makes me both in the spirit of Christmas and brain dead at the same time. Those people with perfect lives and great jobs and oh those decorations. 

While I was out today I did buy pumpkin to make dog biscuits for my co-workers.  I did this last year and it was a big hit. It always keeps me from contributing to their sugar consumption. 

I am grateful for where I am in my life today.  Although I feel 2021 will have some good changes in store for me.  I hope I am ready. 

  

Evolution - Change - Coping with Chaos

Back to work this week and feeling pretty good.  It was short week of only four days and only a few appointments but plenty of paperwork to do. I did feel by taking a short sabbatical from the day to day  I have lost my drive. The pressure I create for myself day to day doing what I do. Always planting seeds for future and harvesting those planted last month of last year today. 

I thank God that business is good even though it seems to world in a ball rolling down a hill right now.  Half the country holding their breath waiting for January 20th and the other half wishing the fake news was true and their man of the hour isn't out on his ear. The last thing my brother-in-law said to me before left was  "there will be riots in the street when this election is reversed." I said nothing took his gift of mega toilet paper and left.

I understand where they are coming from and why they are attracted to this wild west form of charisma.  We  have been at a stalemate for a long time and then we have a guy that comes in and says "who cares about the rules this is my town and I will do what I want!" It feels refreshing to have a leader who totally throws out everything our democracy is built on. This is also called a dictatorship. 

At this point the momentum has built up and the mob mentality has taken over. We want to believe none of this is real including the virus. We want to live in denial so we follow his lead.  I was there while I was living with alcoholism and it is how I coped with the reality of my life. I wanted to believe this charismatic person who told me not to belief my own eyes. The alternative was to see my dream and future was ending so I went along.  

When dealing with something we just can't bring ourselves to face we can create a world of our own. We won't let any information that might crumble any portion of our fantasy. It is too scary to face the truth. With today's media we can select the truth we want to believe and the algorithms will send us what we want to hear to keep us watching and buying products being advertised there.

After watching the pictures the crowd gathering at the bar on Staten Island I thought those who use alcohol to curb the anxiety of life must be going nuts as seen by these pictures. We don't have great coping skills for the regular problems of life and what we are facing now far exceeds the problems of the past. 

The mind cannot cope and living in a fantasy is how a lot of people are making it day to day. The deaths are just numbers on the screen and if they aren't our loved ones then we can dismiss them as not real. Just like when war casualties are announced it seems faraway. It is our brains way of putting what we feel we can't control aside so we can survive.

It is real for those people who have lost someone in this fight. Losing someone close to you will change your life forever. The death of my own mother to cancer changed the course of my life forever. I have never felt safe in this world. My belief in a God to protect me from harm didn't exist anymore. If my mother was taken after dedicating her life to God then what hope did the rest of us have. 

I am definitely not all doom and gloom and I realize that what we are experiencing now is evolution.  The ups and downs of growth and growth is painful. The old guard is seeing there time passing and they are freaking out. It is uncomfortable to know your time is ending and you have to hold on no matter what. They will morph into something else as we all do when life forces us to change.  

This too shall pass.  One step forward and one step back. This time has shown us what happens when one person decides to not follow protocol established by the wisdom of past leaders. Doing what is decent and right for everyone. Luckily we have laws even if they are being tested everyday and so far they are holding. Embrace change we will make it. 

  

  

 

Acceptance - Family - Beliefs - Making Peace

I have returned from a trip to see my family.  It was a little complicated with my niece house sitting in Charleston and my nephew driving my sister from the mountains to meet me there. Her kids don't think she is capable of driving by herself for four hours.  He brought the grand kids both under three and we watched them while he stayed in a hotel. This wasn't his idea but it worked out until he decided he didn't want to stay the three days as planned. 

I was proud of my sister for holding her ground and saying she was staying and he could drive back by himself with the kids. This solidified my own plans which was to drive her back home.  When first found out that he and the kids were coming I almost cancelled my trip all together. I knew that it would be all about watching the kids instead of a relaxing three days with my niece and my sister.  

My experience over the years with my sister and her family is that you are not factored into the equation ever. It you are visiting nothing is altered for your visit. You can't expect anything more than to just tag along to whatever is going on in their lives.  I might get lunch with my sister and a few dinners out. It was a nice surprise that my sister actually took the whole week off for the holiday. 

With this trip my niece originally wanted me to drive six hours pick up my sister and drive four hours spend three days in Charleston and drive four hours to take her home spend Thanksgiving and then drive another six hours home.  I did decline this plan since my sister is capable of driving four hours herself. This is before my nephew's wife went out of town and it was decided he couldn't be alone with the kids for three days.  Just writing this tires me out. 

The trip was an overall success. The three of us were exhausted running after two toddlers for almost three days.  They left me alone with them while they were napping only to have them both wake up at the same time with one extra poopy diaper. I texted them with an SOS since I didn't think I could watch him while changing the diaper in a stranger's house. 

I did get to bond with the kids and then after my nephew drove back home with them the three of us went for a walk on the beach and had dinner out together. My sister and I drove back together leaving my niece to finish her house sitting duties through the holiday. We were really able to catch up.

We got back Wednesday night and cooked the casseroles my niece had frozen in advance of her trip. We had dinner at my nephew's in-laws as they do every year with me taking the place of my niece at the table. It was nice really good food and I didn't cook any of it. 

I was also worried about the the political climate of my family all Trump supporters and think wearing masks is an attempt to be politically correct. No one wore mask there except in public places. I didn't fight it or say my peace.  I was exposed to them and the kids the first day so I figured it didn't matter. My sister and I had a few words over Obama when she said "he is showing his true colors now" I just gave her a look. She came and apologized and said she didn't mean to get so heated.  

One thing I have come to understand about my sister that even though she is very smart she doesn't like to go against the crowd. Before he beat Hillary we had a discussion where we both agreed that he was a sociopath and bad for the country. Now he is a god my brother-in-law said as I was leaving "when they overturn this election there will be riots in the streets."  

This has been the right choice for her and enabled her to stay close with our dad and his wife. With kids you need family and as much support as you can get.  I was never a good sheep and would never be able to just go along with what is popular with the crowd. I sacrificed having a family because I would never be able to keep my mouth shut. 

My sister loves me and worries about my salvation and fears that I might go to hell. I wonder how people that call themselves christian can support a man who clearly cares about nothing but himself. He definitely isn't following the idea "do unto others as you would have them do unto you".

I have found my own way and I don't feel I must win them over to my own beliefs anymore. I do have to prepare myself for our visits and this was the first time I don't need to recover from the trip. We have come to an understanding and she doesn't feel responsible for my salvation anymore. 

I have found peace with being alone and I have found peace with be an outsider with my family. With her kids grown now I have the opportunity to get to know them. My sister's life has not be easy and she kept a lot of things from me to protect her family. Similar to living with alcoholism when one person controls the whole family and you don't want anyone to know what is going on. 

We are survivors and have both done it on our own.  It makes me sad that we didn't feel we could be there for each other. I think we are beginning to know each other for the first time. She is four years older than me so we were never close as children. We are both tough and have found our own way through life and now that we are older we can relax an enjoy each other. 

Alcoholism - Addicted to the Chaos

I watched Super Soul Sunday last night with Oprah interviewing Biden in 2017.  It was a good interview and showed that he is a thoughtful and kind man still grieving the loss of his son. He spent most of the interview hunched over clasping his hand reliving the words he was saying slowly and deliberately.

I then I watched the Steven Colbert interview from three years ago and then one from one year ago. Much lighter non-stop talking. Steven fact checked his last interview and he go a lot of details wrong about a story he told.  He said he was just conveying the importance of the moment in the story and names and dates weren't that important in that specific incidence. 

It is going to be so strange having someone that actually answers questions and deals with issues. Instead of chasing a moving target that doesn't have answers and isn't really that interested. I remember shortly after the last election when Hillary did an interview for the first time. I was mesmerized by how soothing it was to hear complete sentences coming out of her mouth after only months of the current administration.

I can't help but think about how this president reminds me of a time I lived with active alcoholism. At first the charm and charisma was enough. The way he could win over anyone with his energy and words. He promised the moon but never did anything that he said he would do. Then as the disease progressed he created chaos in our lives every day. Every move I made was based on what I thought he would do next - bracing myself for a number of possible out comes.

I was the desperate wife pouncing on him when he did show up trying to get answers I felt I needed to survive, When I would remind him of the promises he made he would deny ever making them. He shut me out and refused to even talk about anything. By the time he left I had become addicted to the chaos and the adrenaline that went with it. When he was out of my life it felt like I had been unplugged from my life source. I was empty and exhausted.

Even with the pain of the loss I was grateful to come home at night an not have to face the madness. I wasn't chasing a moving target and dealing with crazy every day. Even if I had gotten use to the thrill of the ups and downs I knew it was killing me.

What we have lived with these past four years is just like living with an active alcoholic. The charm and laser attention I got in the beginning changed to control and chaos in the end. It was like a drug being loved by this person is so charismatic. He made me feel like he was the only one who understood me. 

I imagine this is what his core supporters feel like.  "He really sees me" and maybe he does but he will never really come through with the promises he makes. He is just there for his moment in the spotlight and really never thinks past that moment. Their lives will be empty for a while but then they will go back to whatever they were doing before. 

Everyone especially the media with feel loss and emptiness for awhile. No matter whether your were fighting for him or against him the excitement is over.  The man himself is a walking crisis. We will have to get use to the fact that we don't have a man whose tweets send the stock market crashing. 

It took me a long time to get over my husband leaving. It was a relationship that consumed me and when it was over I felt bored and lonely for a long time. I was so exhausted I like for two years I just worked and slept. I know today that relationship changed me forever for good and bad. It made me see what I didn't want again and made me face what attracted me to him in the first place. 

I have learned to be my own entertainment these days and when I am bored I don't look for a two legged crisis to feel that void. I can be grateful and accept that life isn't exciting all the time and be at peace.  I know things will be less volatile with the new president but I am not expecting nirvana just a little less crazy.  

Living in our own bubble - Compassion - Understanding

This last week has been difficult for me as I am sure it has been for everyone. We can't understand why the other side can't see just how wrong they are with the facts right in front of them. I have come to the conclusion that we spend most of our time in our on bubble. 

I was raised in a charismatic Pentecostal denomination where if you didn't belong to our denomination then you really weren't going to heaven. We didn't associate with people outside the church. As kids  we could play with the kids in our neighborhood but mostly not allowed to go into their houses. The street we lived on was built by our pastor so some of the people living there went to our church. 

My sister would baby sit sometimes for the people across the street and I remember one time watching out the window and seeing the husband passed out behind the wheel with the car door open.  I imagine this is what we were being protected from. 

It always bothered me that everyone else was going to hell that really didn't make total since to me. A lot of them seemed like perfectly nice people. My mother was strong and independent person and you didn't question what she told you. When we moved to the suburbs in 1966 she couldn't believe the women at our church didn't vote. She immediately started a women's political group at the church.

She was my Sunday school teacher and I remember her preparing for hours on Saturday before she taught her lesson. We read the Bible together at night together.  She was passionate about her beliefs and taught me and my sister to be independent thinkers. This worked and we clashed constantly. 

I am a detail person and very analytical and I needed things to make since to me. Some of the stories of the Bible didn't make since. I asked constant questions which really got on my parents nerves. I have never been a good sheep just going along with anyone selling anything. When l left home at 16 my daddy said " you will never make it because you don't respect authority." I knew he had no idea what I was capable of and I never looked back.

Just like my childhood today we all live in a bubble of our own making. We don't let any information that doesn't fit into our self created bubble because we want the lines to be clear and to think we are always right. It is easier and our brains are made to work this way. We live day to day without looking at what others are going through especially when it doesn't touch our lives.

We all do that or we couldn't survive the devastation we see on our screens. I remember as a child they showed the caskets of soldiers being unloaded every day on the news. This was so terrible to me it made me so sad. I couldn't understand why this was happening. The men had families just like mine what could be worth them dying for?

I was raised Republican and Reagan was the last republican I voted for. I was devastated by the way he ignored the AIDS epidemic and let so many die without so much as a word about it. This seems familiar to me now people thinking "it's not a part of my world so it doesn't matter to me." 

We all become isolated when we only live in our own bubble with people like ourselves. I work with people everyday that are genuinely nice intelligent people.  They are are happy and there bubble is pretty secure so they want to keep it that way. I get this and don't fault them for it because it is not my place to wake people up. 

I also know that people are mostly dug in and it is hard for them to go against their peers. It is easy not to questions what we think especially when we surround ourselves by people just like us. It isn't that easy to step away from the crowd. What if they reject me?  I will be alone and unloved.

It is true this can happen and it happened to me.  I wasn't willing to just believe those who were in authority. I had to do my own research and find my belief and God for myself. I don't regret leaving the flock but it has been lonely on my own.  I never quite fit in with believers or non-believers. 

It is good to feel certain you are right and you surely don't want anybody punching through your bubble. No one is right all the time and that it the way it is. I don't regret my upbringing because it made me strong and able to be an outsider. We were passionate in our beliefs which is important. 

Today I know I can find peace within whenever I want. I can trust that we can work this out eventually. Life goes on and we will turn this over to future generations and hope they will do better. I use my words when I can to make people think and have compassion for others and I have to exercise my own compassion for them. 

 

Confronting the past - our unique fears - denial is coping - forgiveness

One of my favorite bloggers seems to be missing along with all his comments.  I hope everything is alright.  Over the years many bloggers have drop off but usually with some kind of farewell explanation.  In life everything runs its course and maybe it is just his time. 

I was painting my deck yesterday and pulling weeds today and had time to think.  I did sleep long and hard last night and got up this morning and gathered my thoughts.  I have been reading my mother's Bible mainly because I have be looking through family pictures and thinking of her.  I will say this is the same Bible that she taught me to read with.  It is not translated other than in English to bring it up to more modern standards. We read a chapter every night and I was particularly fond of the "verily - verily I say unto you" parts.

Don't stop reading because I mention the Bible. I have been treated badly by people who professed to be God fearing Bible lovers and I chunked the Bible out along with them a long time ago.  Anything that represented what those people said they believed in was off limits. Today know that it isn't all or nothing. 

What Al-Anon did for me in my early 30's was to find the God of my own understanding. It was good start for me realizing it was up to me to come to terms with how I was treated and establish the God of my own understanding. I didn't really trust my childhood God because he took my mother and replaced her with one of the most selfish unloving people on the planet. With that I lost the rest of my family because I could not tolerate the hypocrisy of those who professed to be Christians.

Of course this is totally my problem. I was never great at pretending things are one way when it is obvious that they are totally another.  I say that when I lived with bold face alcoholism and totally ignored it until it was too late and it had destroyed my own confidence and my marriage. I am no different than anyone else when it comes to denial or living in a fantasy.

Some many things in this world are hurtful and sometimes devastating and denial is how we survive. When something rocks our world we find other people that think like us and huddle together chanting our own beliefs until the storm passes. There is a lot of this going on right now on both sides.

Sometimes individually we break from the group because we know that no one could possibly understand how we are suffering because it feels too personal. For me I broke away because I felt that I couldn't possibly put the burden of my pain on another human. This left me alone to find the strength within and to rely on something greater than myself. 

This is the point of God or whatever you believe in that doesn't depend on you to have the answers. I have found strength in ultimately letting go of everything I ever believe to be true. With letting go my life began to flow again. Every difficult thing I faced was resolved without my tight grip on it. I let go of my idea of the way things had to be and received peace. Nothing even now seems to move when I have an agenda. I have tested this over and over with every part of my life and it is always true. 

I know that forcing a solution on my terms never works. Turning my will over to a power greater than myself is humbling and freeing. My thoughts and prayers over any situation without demanding a certain outcome can result in a literal miracle.  Sometimes leaving me thinking "I never imagined that as a solution to the problem". 

I am not afraid of my past anymore or the God that I was raised with. I can read the Bible without attaching what people have to done to me in his name. People are flawed.  I am flawed and everyday I have to live with my own humanness and walk in faith that I haven't done too much damage. 

I have done my best just like everyone else.  I have ask for forgiveness from my God the universe and from myself. I have hurt myself the same as I have hurt other people along the way. Just as I offer forgiveness to them I can offer it to myself. It may not seem like it but we all live in fear and this causes us to react in unique ways based on our own past. 

Today I am feeling peace and for that I am grateful. 

 

Mind Control - embracing your ugly side - fear - I can change

Mind control is always at the top of the list of things I work on daily. It is of course my own mind that I am controlling.  I use to think the it was unique something I was born with and had to cope with even if it made me unhappy a lot of the time.  Science use to say that you were who you were basically after the age of five years but now they have found the brain to be more plastic.

All is takes is a little change to create new pathways in the brain even something as small as using a different foot to start climbing stairs. Taking a different route to work or trying to write with your other hand. None of these things are easy because the brain is efficient and wants the same path as always the more things on auto pilot the better.  We are geared this way so we are free to watch out for predators hiding in the bushes. When we make changes it takes all our focus until we get a new path laid. 

This is like the best news ever to me that I don't have to just live with who I am warts and all.  I can choose everyday to lay aside the ideas I have about myself that don't work for me anymore to embrace the day and all it has to offer me. 

I often hear my co-worker say "I am too old to learn that now" when I regularly show her shortcuts on the computer that would make her job easier but she isn't interested.  This is what we have be taught basically that your maxed out an you should just settled down and wait for the end. 

The voice in our heads are just well laid paths that started early and feel permanent because we repeat them to ourselves over and over. We have the power to change them.

Early on with Al-Anon I learned to listen to that voice that told me I was a victim of this life. I started to hear the self talk that kept me from being happy with who I was and I learned to stop listening. The next step over the years was to to address that scared unhappy child within. She was bored or stressed about the future and really wanted to be comforted and assured that we would be alright.

Now days I just assure her that we have handled many things and that together we will be alright. It is okay to acknowledge fear or for me acknowledge boredom these feelings won't kill me. Sometimes when I am stuck in for longer that feels comfortable I tell myself "this is just one day and tomorrow I will feel different".  It is the running from the feeling that makes me feel bad like being chased by a tiger.

Just sitting with the feeling and trying to soak it up makes it dissipate because it can't eat you. It is the pushing back and the thinking "I will always be like this" that pull you under. It is waking up the next morning a project another day of more of the same that keep you stuck. Setting your intentions.

I can't end this post without addressing the food factor in all of this. What we eat everyday gives our brains either protection or poison. We need protein and fat to lubricate the brain to be able to make good decisions.  When I was depressed my favorite foods were chips and salsa - Macaroni and cheese - or a brownie every night. These things made me comatose and numbed my pain. Keeping wanting more.

I wanted death at the time so I really couldn't care for myself. I only voiced this to a close friend every once in a while they thought I was joking. I am a strong person and from the outside it appears I don't need or want any help. There are a lot of us out there who are more comfortable supporting other people but we are human too and a kind word or a thank you would go along way. It might be an awkward moment but it will pass. Thank someone today for just being there for you.. 

I can control my mind - I am not a victim

I feel at peace today even if the sky is cloudy and I was wishing for the sun. It is cool here which is helpful since my air conditioning isn't work yet.  The second guy they sent wasn't too happy that the new part didn't work. He told me "this happens all the time - do you think I want to go up in your attic a third time?"  

Every job has parts that suck no matter how great the job is that is why they call it work.  He seemed pretty unhappy overall.  He shared with me that his roommate's new girlfriend stole 150 dollars out of his room. He caught her there and told his roommate who didn't believe him and told him to move out. Luckily his sister has a big house so he moved there this week.

I thought there is a story there at his age ending up with a roommate. Although I didn't prompt the discussion he said he didn't have a problem with alcohol even though when he was a child his Sicilian grandparents gave him wine every time he saw them. He said he had started smoking after he had stopped for four years and this is the only time he likes to drink.

He is probably coming back Monday with a replacement part. I am not sure why he brought all of this up maybe he knew I could here him cursing and screaming in the attic.  

The mind is hard to control I lived most of my life thinking life was happening to me. I was a victim of my circumstances and there was nothing I could do about it. I spent all my energy bracing myself for the next tragic thing to happen and I was never disappointed.  I talked about my woes to whoever would listen and repeated my victim-ship to myself over and over. The voice in my head keeping me constantly sad or outraged over my circumstances.

It wasn't until I realized that I was doing this to myself. The program helped m to see that it was my own story that repeated to myself over and over that kept me from having a different story.  The program says "no victims just volunteers".  This would make me so mad in the beginning. I felt comfortable not taking responsibility for my own situation and feeling sorry for myself.

It doesn't help that this is the way the brain works. We are wired to go towards negative first so we can prevent bad things from happening the next time.  It also likes repetition and goes down the most familiar and deepest path it is less work. When I am sad I think about _____________ and then it reminds me of when things we great and life didn't suck life it does now. Of course even our memories are hijacked by the brain smoothing out all those rough edges we don't want to acknowledge.

Looking through my life's pictures behind my own smiling face I could tell you some really awful stuff going on.  My mind prefers to make those times something they weren't. The difference in who I am now is that I know it was just life and hard times.  It is only when I believed it was just happening to me that I felt like it was my fault. This is mostly because I have an analytical mind that believes there is a solution for every problem. I can think my way out of this.

The solution to being a victim is to replace these thoughts with something else. For me I had to first acknowledge that the person inside my head was really negative and didn't seem to like me very much. I tried to reason with her but she just kept hurling insults at me no matter what. I finally had to consciously tell her to shut up. This was war for a long time until I was able to see that the child inside me was just scared that we weren't going to make it. 

I couldn't let on that she might be right so I assured her that we could do it. I started reading non stop to anything that gave me positive encouragement.  Mantras - slogans from the program - daily readers - spiritual books - even horoscopes - Anything that gave me encouragement to keep going. Over time all these things started to re-write my thinking. 

I became friends with myself and forgave the child in me for being stuck so long. I had to forgive myself for living life thinking that I caused these things to happen to me. That there was something about me that made me unlovable from the beginning. I had to take responsibility for loving and encouraging myself into happiness. No one outside of me could make feel secure.

Today I am on the maintenance plan.  First I guard my mind from anything negative as much as I can. I feed myself with healthy foods that make my mind clearer. Instead of heading for a carb comma like I use to and now I sleep a regular schedule so I can be my best. I take care of myself instead of waiting for other people to show that I am worthy of being taken care of. 

All great beliefs and spiritual practice use these same ideas woven through them. Believing and being with people are looking for something positive or comforting to share can promote peace. Taking care of your body and your mind realizing they are same thing is truly loving. Believing in a power greater than ourselves to give us the strength and discipline to take our lives back it really the only answer.  

  

Choosing happiness - Living with what is real

I am feeling a little down the past few days like I am caught in some sludge moving at a snails pace. I had some news yesterday that didn't help after having some trouble with my ac it turns out I need a new motor.  This wasn't expected since the unit isn't that old. I am not sure at this point whether it is in warranty period we are talking a couple of thousand. 

I also went to the dentist and they want to do some work there to which is evasive and costly. I feel a little deflated at this point but I am grateful that I have the means to do both of the these things. It will slow down my saving plan but that is what saving is for isn't it. A rainy day which is what a lot of people are experiencing right now. 

It doesn't help that I started a weight lifting routine this week and have felt like I was in a car accident. It shows me that I really need to get into shape. I am grateful that physically I don't have any real problems since I have changed my diet and I have committed to increasing my stamina with weights.

The limitations we put on ourselves are in our mind. Planted by the media both the good and the bad it has shaped us in ways we will never really know. It gives us the idea that if you are older you are limited in what you can do physically. There are a lot of women over 60 defying that notion - sculpting there bodies in ways that no one could image was possible. This good media. 

I was raised on TV with my mother sick no one monitored the hours I spent there. TV was what kept me busy when no on had time for me. It made me believe in a world of happiness and sunshine that never really existed. When I couldn't find it I blamed myself thinking I had done something wrong. I tried even harder and when things went right I thought I was doing something right but it never lasted and then I went back to blaming myself again.

I thought I controlled the happiness in my life even though I always felt like something bad was lurking in the shadows and I was right. What I didn't realize was that life consist of ups and downs all the time. Everyone has there sadness to bear and it is how you face those trials that makes the difference. 

I have found happiness not like those TV movies on Hallmark where everyone is happy with great jobs and the perfect mate but in enjoying the day that is before me. I can choose not to waste it. To pay attention to what is happening today and find peace and joy. 

There is a lot of good things in my life and for that I am grateful and luckily the weather is perfect and I don't need my ac this week while I am getting this sorted out. 

Indifference - Emotional abuse - Not enough

It has been raining here a lot and this does dampen my spirit even if I pretend that it doesn't. I have to admit diving into my old pictures has stirred some feeling up. Not really sad feelings but some feelings of dissatisfaction with where my life is now.  People have families and I feel like I don't. I do have a family but one that really never thinks too much about me.

I found out they went to the beach for vacation last week.  My sister told me a number of people she tried to get to meet them there for a visit. I wasn't on that list. I use to meet them there every year until I got divorced and then they stopped inviting me. They use to come to my house every year for Thanksgiving until I got divorce and then they never came to visit again until last year.

I found some pictures of those Thanksgivings and how we cooked for sometimes as many as 30 for the day. One year I got the great idea of having everyone dress as pilgrims. We had a about six kids in the group and they loved it. Back in those days I wanted everything to be perfect because I was unhappy. I was always thinking of ways to improve the situation and make things better for other people. 

This feeling that I am not wanted has plagued me since childhood. To make up for that I always take the position of making sure everyone else felt welcome and that there every need was met. This can sometimes attract those who like to sit back and be taken care of without appreciation. 

Indifference is a sneaky form of abuse that causes so much pain. There isn't any specific incidence or words that can describe exactly what happen. No argument or slamming of doors no verbal ridicule. It just makes you feel invisible. Like my sixteenth birthday when no one remembered. 

I feel like I have been invisible most of my life. Especially to my family and in my intimate relationships. In my professional life I was a success because a few people recognized my contribution and promoted me over and over. Even when I lost my corporate job it was because I made it look easy. Quietly managing a huge department where nothing went wrong. It wasn't until I left that they realized they had no idea the scope of the work. My ex-boss made amends by getting me a consultant job paying twice as much as my old job.

I was taught by my mother that it isn't right to toot your own horn. The meek shall inherent the earth and God can see the good you are doing and that is enough payment. When I was a child I was always starving for some kind of validation from my mother. If I cleaned my room and brought her there to see it the reply would be "well it is your room and you should want to keep it clean."

I heard "never enough" she was saying "there is always room for improvement" the ideas are both true and I get it now. I have heard my sister do the same things to her kids. Pointing out how they could do better instead of "good job" or giving solutions instead of just saying "you are going to figure this out - you are smart it just takes time." 

In my early marriage I picked someone who believed in me. Even reading the letters from him he said encouraging things to me. Of course the amends letter he admitted manipulating me by using the doubts I had about myself as ways to hurt me. He was smart enough to know exactly what he was doing.

What I do with the indifference is I take it for a long long time and then I walk away. First emotionally once I am gone emotionally it forces the other person to move on. On the dark side I feel used and unappreciated to the point I am dead inside. I withdraw my contribution to the relationship.  I let them leave me because it is what I am comfortable doing. 

In the past ten years I have made the decision to get out of situations that are no longer good for me. First leaving the small shop I worked for and owned part of. I also left a few long time friendships because they felt one sided and what once felt like enough for me suddenly wasn't. 

I don't want those indifferent relationships anymore and I feel happier just being on my own. I feel less resentful and I don't feel like I am waiting around for something to change. I am a committed person to anything I do and I am looking for the same commitment to me from the other side. 

I am going to work through my feelings with my sister. She was raised with the same indifference that I was and it wouldn't occur to her that I would even want to meet them at the beach. She has done the same thing as I have training people to not appreciate her contribution being in a marriage where only one person's wants or needs are important. Working in the background waiting for her rewards in heaven. 

I feel better after getting this out and seeing that the way I feel has a past.  I can see that none of this is happening today except in my own head. I am free to make the best of today and the sun is actually shining at this moment. What could be better? 

Love Letters - Forgiveness - Healing - Freedom

I am home today taking a short break in the middle of my work week.  I was cleaning and moving my art stuff from downstairs to move it to the upstairs.  I converted a closet to a art work space. Sometimes I think I will never actually get around to do the art but I am hopeful.  With work taking 100% of my creativity it is hard to muster up enough enthusiasm to paint.  I am pretending that " if you build it they will come" ot it in this case. 

While cleaning things out I found a few old photos of my past lives at different times. It started the wheels turning and I remembered having several boxes in the basement that I haven't looked at in a long time. I know I am healed from my past because these pictures no longer evoke strong emotional responses for me anymore. 

I look at the girl in the photos and think about how much I missed trying to keep bad things from happening. "You can always see it coming but you can never stop it" a line from a Cowboy Junkies song that is so true.  I have kept something from every relationship I have ever had. From my ex-husband I kept letters he wrote me after he split and left me for a co-worker.  They married and have grown kids now.

Two letters the first before therapy and the second after therapy. In the first he blamed me for everything that was wrong with his life and felt just starting fresh would cure everything. He didn't know what had happened to us or why he couldn't love me like before. We really never had closure or counseling he refused to talk about anything. A year after the divorce he called and wanted me to meet him at his counselors appointment so we could clear the air.  I agreed hoping this would help to heal me but it was ugly when he confessed that there had been a number of infidelities over the years.  

I always felt that it was my fault that bad things happening to me. I would rather take the blame than really believe that the people I loved and trusted were so horrible. I felt like it was my fault for not seeing just how things really were.  My denial of the truth of who they had become made it impossible to move on. I internalized the pain to the point that I didn't want to live. 

The second letter was an amends letter where he admits how mean he was to me and the lies he told and the constant manipulation of my emotions. This manipulation was the worse for me because for three years he courted me leaving notes on my car and gifts in my mailbox. While he was with someone else that in the beginning I didn't  know about. Telling me one week before he was getting married that he would never love anyone the way he loved me. 

In the second letter he said he could see how much pain and anger he had built up inside and only the drugs and alcohol could manage them until they stopped working. This letter was hard to read because he was becoming the person I knew he could be but I wasn't going to reap the benefits of this new found awakening. 

I loved him like I never have loved anyone else. We were two very broken people whose pain matched perfectly for almost a decade. I was not complete without him and when I felt I was losing him I froze and stopped living which made me really attractive.  You can hear that it was still my fault. I remember falling into depression with him coming home at midnight and avoiding me altogether.

I have felt all my life that no one ever really wanted me. I was a high strung ADD child and after my mother died all the grown ups deserted me to manage there own grief. From the time she got sick I knew I was on my own so I made the best of it. Only people with strong wills ever broke through. 

As an adult I attracted people who were crazy in love with me to a point in some cases stalking me. In my mind this was proof of true love. My husband would have done anything to protect me and he made me feel safe until that obsession moved to someone else. He made me feel safe even though in the end he hurt me more than anyone. 

I can read those letters today without pain and I can forgive myself for not being able to do anything about what was happening to me. My own pain was equal to his and I couldn't feel any joy without  looking over my shoulder waiting for the next crisis to strike. With alcoholism there is always the next crisis. 

It took a lot guts for him to write those letters and they did heal me a little bit every time I have read them over the years. It still makes me jealous that he got the life we always wanted with kids but I am sure it has been no bed of roses. The devil is in the details.

Looking at the pictures and reading the letters I can see over the years the progress I was making. I still never felt I was enough and was always striving to be a better me. It is a good goal but it is time for joy now and because I am alone I don't have to meet anyone's expectations but my own. I am loving myself and not looking at happiness as something in the future. I can be happy today I just have to decide to be,

I have always done my best even if it wasn't good enough for other people or even myself. I can forgive them and forgive myself.   

 

The story I am telling myself - starting over - freedom - a new life

I had a good week very stressful but not unbearable. I practiced my ten minute meditation every day this week although yesterday I had an early appointment so I practiced while my computer booted up. The clients canceled for the second time but I was okay with that. It gave me a chance to finish a big project which I have been putting off.

Recently I feel I have been in the flow more often than normal. What this means to me is that I just let things flow without trying to force solutions or make the universe move to my rhythm. When the appointment canceled I just moved on and looked at the positives. First I am not a morning person and it was the end of a long week so now I could relax and focus.

I know I can certainly get caught up in the business of life. Before peace was priority in my life the busier I was the more important that made me. I was like a machine fitting something in every minute and living off the high of just having so much to do.  This is how it is in the west we just want to fill every minute with something. With the few spare moments looking at our phones. 

Our mind can be our enemy always wanting more and more entertainment. The ego is always present no matter how hard we work at being whole and peaceful. I remember creating daily list of deadlines for myself and actually creating stress around those items. I did this to myself creating a crisis where there wasn't one. I liked the adrenaline rush it gave and I got use to it.

It took falling and crashing to the ground to see I had created this in my own life. I thought that this was who I was this busy hard working person that had a million things to do.  Everyone was counting on me to take care of them. I was so wrapped up in the idea of me that I couldn't stand still for a minute.

I was really running from the truth I believed about myself - that I was nothing without all this running. If I stopped whatever had been chasing me all those years would catch up to me and it would be over. I never dared to stop and turnaround and look at it. 

This was depression for me a deep belief that there was something about me that wasn't right and wasn't lovable. I was running hard to stay ahead of the this belief. I ran until I couldn't run any longer and collapsed  out of exhaustion. What happened next was unbelievable absolutely nothing. My ego disappeared and I was left with silence and it was terrifying.  The person I was before was gone.

I was in a state of nothing for what seemed like forever. I just stayed there because I couldn't move. None of the old ways of kicking myself back into gear worked. I went through the motions of life and did what had to be done each day. Thankfully I haven't returned to the person I was before.

I realized I had created the that person over the years. All the ideas I had taken on given to me by my family and other outside influences. Then who I believed I was and how I re-enforced those beliefs with my thoughts and actions even when they no longer served me. 

If I created that person I could create someone new. Since that person was gone I could start over if I was willing. If I was willing to let go of the story of myself. I had a choice - I could keep repeating the story mostly to myself or I could let go and just show up everyday and see what happened. The physical brain is geared to lay down well worn paths so it isn't easy to just choose something else. 

At this point I was a blank canvas and had detached from the painful person I had become. A warning here everyone around you will want you to come back just as you were because it makes them feel safe to keep things the same. You no longer fit into their story the way I use to and it makes everyone uncomfortable. 

This post has some pretty radical ideas and not for everyone. I didn't ask for this to happen to me but I wanted to be happy even if it meant starting over alone. I am so grateful and happy for the first time in my life. My story made me miserable and I thought I had to just accept this fact and do the best I could. It is just that a story in my own head told over and over until I believe it is who I am even if it makes me unhappy. Nothing is permanent and at any moment we can choose again. 

 you want to change you have to monitor your thoughts and see where you go when something unpleasant happens. Where do you run to? How do you justify your next behavior? If you feel guilty do you say "I am like this because ____"  enter whatever you usually say about why you do it.

 

Organizing - Purging the past - Always practicing letting go

I spent Sunday in solitude except for talking to my childhood friend for a few hours. I did my favorite thing which is organizing.  This can be super emotional and you have to prepare yourself for the waves of memories that may or may not come up.  I have a lot of old CD's from different times in my life and I need to get rid of the ones that I really don't listen to anymore. 

I have never done this before because it is just easier to keep things than to face and discard memories. I usually make a deal with myself to address the easy stuff.  This just means a quick pass through and chunk out anything that I have not real attachment to. This builds momentum for round two the maybe pile.

I also made myself commit to listening to any keeper that I really didn't know the music. These were CD's my ex husband left behind that weren't necessarily my choice. Like the band "Yes" do I really like this music or do I really think that I should keep it because this is a classic band? I listened and thought "would I listen again? Maybe." I put that in the keep pile.

I found a Gary Moore CD - When I played it I really liked it. In my twenties I loved Blues concerts but they were few and far between. Blues music really speaks to me with long guitar rifts full of energy and angst. Definitely a keeper.

I use to like the voice of Emmy Lou Harris and had a CD with her and Mark Knopfler as I listened to the sad folk type songs I asked my "will you every think I am in the mood for this sad melancholy music?" I said no I am not that person anymore so it is in the to go pile. 

Letting go of the person I use to be and the life I use to have is easier for my now. I have lived and loved those people and times but before now it felt like letting them go was dishonoring their existence.   It also felt like I would be nothing without those attachments. But now they no longer define me and these items are just stuff taking up space. 

Don't get me wrong there were a few CD's like Cowboy Junkies that even if I never listen to them again I will keep. Lay it Down - has soothed me many times and it deserves a space in my life. 

No sadness bubbled up - No regret of any kind which is always a nice surprise and is why I usually avoid these kinds of task. I felt strong and happy yesterday purging the past and the music that went with it. 

The worrier in me - Protecting myself from the negative - 4th step - being whole

I had a celebrated getting another year older this week with not much fan fare. Someone kind decorated my door at work which was totally unexpected. I am not great with other peoples birthdays and I feel guilty about that.  I was never that great and then when I went into deep depression I just let what little effort I made go. I have hosted many events at the request of others doing the cooking and decorating but I am not the one that remembers the dates.

I am a very focused person and I am always working on the task a hand and not on planning or thinking about other things. I always wished I was one of those people that had a day timer or an electronic calendar it would be really easy especially these days. I have bought so many of them and it would last maybe one day. When I was an executive I used outlook to keep up but now days I don't plan too far in advance and this works for me. 

I know some people say they are booked out a month to make their customers feel like they are privileged to work with them. This doesn't support my idea of flow and living in the present moment. 

When I was trying to out run the pain I felt inside I booked every minute of my day so I never had to face the pain I felt inside. The emptiness of all that I had lost in my life. The feeling that I was not worthy of love because I had lost so much. I felt it was my fault because I was not good enough. 

I think most people feel this from time to time but I always thought I was unique. It was a secret that kept to myself and tried to be the best person I could be hoping someone would notice me and love me. This would get rid of that gaping hole I had inside me. 

I did get noticed by other people with equal gaping holes. It was reassuring at first but we never got better together. It is good to find support and comfort each other but sometimes it keeps us stuck in the same place for a really long time. You have to find the wholeness you need from within. 

I have been writing about my past this week. A good 4th step for anyone and I have written these stories many times. With every writing over the years there is less and less pain attached to those memories. This week I felt love for the girl and women that experienced those moments. I can love her now and see that she was just doing her best. So broken and living in constant fear of making a mistake. 

I have forgiven her and see how she was just trying to survive. She made some good decisions which has brought her to where she is today.  Happy and healthy. Is it weird to talk about yourself in the third person?  I do that because she is long gone and she seems like a character in a book. I can write about her now without judgement and this makes me free. 

My aunt called me for my birthday.  She is the only one from my dad's side of the family that has kept up with me over the years. I don't keep in touch to often because her view of the world is negative even though she is a pretty happy person. The conversation is about her health and then about the violence around her. She lives in the country so this violence is only on TV.

I don't accept negative input ever from anyone. That emotion drains me and I have to protect myself. It stirs up the worrier in me.  I can't solve any of these problems so why dwell on them. I need my energy to get through the day. If the information isn't positive I can't listen. Believe me if something terrible happens that I need to know about someone will tell me. 

I am reflecting on my life this week and I feel peaceful. I do plan to make more of an effort to honor the birthdays of the people that are important to me.  I did send my sister flowers for her birthday this year so that is a start. 

 

Take what you like and leave the rest - A God of my own understanding - surrender

I attended a memorial yesterday for someone younger than me.  This always gives you the chance to think about your own mortality and what will be said when you are gone. It is nice that everyone picks the best parts of the person that has moved on.  The version of the truth that will be what we will remember.

I remember my own father's service and how everyone that spoke said he was like a father to them. Ironically he wasn't like a father at all to me and I resented every good word spoken about him. I didn't feel like I meant anything to him or even anyone in my own family. The indifference my family had for me was all done by Christians. This made me reject my own childhood teachings.

I found God again when I got into Al-Anon I liked that the the statement "a God of your own understanding" and "take what you like and leave the rest".  These statements kept me coming back since in my heart I was angry at God. I could see how hypocritical it was for my family to be so active in the church yet not really care about one of their own family members. It felt like lip service to me.

I once said if my father was going to heaven I did not want to go. As I eased into Al-Anon I started to soften towards God. I was still a long ways away from even acknowledging Jesus as even existing as part of my past. The program is full people that have experienced the cruelty of religion and rejected by the people that were suppose to love them. 

My first experience with trusting God was after my husband left. I was not making enough money to support myself. Being new to the program and lived by every word - I read in the daily readers. I trusted that the God of my own understanding would get me through this devastation. I had lost my earthly god to alcoholism and I was and empty shell without the energy to do anything myself. 

I lived minute to minute in those days and unlike my former self I didn't make plans for the future. I was sad and exhausted and I surrendered to what ever came next. I had been beaten down by my situation and the fight in me had gone. 

During that time I experience many daily miracles. First the company I worked for decided to give my position a salary adjustment to bring it up to the same position in other companies.  Then I got a promotion to supervisor and these two things together gave a 30% raise. This never happens in corporate america. All the time I was barely able to get off the couch when I wasn't working. Now I had the income to pay my bills. With every miracle I became more grateful and started to heal. 

I didn't necessarily pray but I just turned everything over to whatever or whoever was out there running the show because I certainly couldn't do it anymore. When I did things got worse.

Where am I now? I believe that each of us has a divine center and depending on what has happened to us this divine center is either enhanced or distorted. We either shine our light upon other people or we are like a cloak of darkness putting out light wherever we go. We must look at how life has changed us and get rid of the lies we believe that are hurting us and the people we say we love. We can be free to love without pretending that the other person is or was perfect. We can stop feeling superior or inferior to the people around us and live in daily peace. 

Al-Anon taught me step by step how to live again. I loved that Al-Anon stressed anonymity not just because you needed to feel safe but because they didn't want your behavior to reflect badly on the group as a whole. This is what I was taught by my mother about being a true christian you won't need to tell people they will know by your actions. This is why I don't understand the hate going on in our own country and how churches can support it. Where is the love that Christ showed and taught during his time here. 

I have returned to my roots and my childhood teachings. I can now separate the weakness of the messengers without throwing out the message. If the words speak to me and I feel encouraged by the those words then I feel it is from the God. 

For me to forgive what my own family has done to me I have to know that they are imperfect just like me. I also have to forgive myself for believing what was said or in some cases not said. I never felt loved after the death of my mother. I chose people in my life that couldn't love me because I didn't feel I was lovable or deserved to loved. If my own family rejected me I must not be worth loving.

Over the years I have come to terms with those feelings and do now realize I am a child of God and therefore lovable. I can forgive the people in my past and I show myself the love I deserve whether I feel it from those around me or not. I am a whole person and today I am able to feel joy. 

In the end no matter what is said at my own memorial if there is one it doesn't really matter. It is whether while on earth I could find joy and if I was able to leave here without resentments. If I can lead by example and trust only in a power greater than myself. 

Take what you like and leave the rest. 

 

Scared to move - Alcoholism - Part of my story

During one of my meditations this I saw my ex-husband standing on a large rock in the middle of a river. The sight brought tears to my eyes this really happened. We were on a trip to our engagement party in New York and had stopped to visit my family in North Carolina. I stayed in the car and watched him jump around the rocks I was too scared to get out there in the water and he agreed it was too dangerous for me.

I think about that girl in the car I had so much fear because I loved this man and I felt like at any moment it would end in disaster. I was afraid to move. Life was tough then we had no money at the time of our marriage we had 50 dollars in our account. Our bond was around the sadness we had had in our childhood and our ability to survive. I felt like I would die without him. 

Like me his mother had died when he was 11 she had a brain tumor and left six kids behind. Two in diapers, two in middle school and two in high school. The older kids were shipped off to an uncle and the younger two to an aunt. He and his middle brother were left with his father who drank non - stop for three years leaving the boys to fend for themselves. They did what they could to get by sometimes stealing food to survive.

We were survivors and our connections was so strong that we never spent a night apart in almost eight years. I loved him because he was a mirror of the pain in me and I knew he understood what it was like to be on your own. He had something I did not have he had anger and he wasn't afraid to stand up for himself or for me. This made me feel safe because my own family never stood up for me. He was loyal something I really longed for I have felt alone since ever before my mother got sick. 

My husband's alcoholism increased with every year along with his anger. He was mad a his dad even though he had stopped drinking after meeting a single woman with no children. She was kind and generous and took on all those kids and they had two of there own. My husband couldn't reconcile the anger he had towards his dad. His dad was such a great guy now who was loving how could he be mad at him. The anger got re-directed towards mostly strangers and eventually me. 

The verbal abuse that came out towards the end of our relationship was really scary. Because of the bubble that we had created around our relationship I was isolated with only his drinking friends around us. I felt even more like an alien surrounded people that could drink for days. As the drinking progressed the meaner he was and I believed everything he said about me. My own anger was turned inward and I became depressed and scared to move.

I did feel physically threatened but nothing ever happened. I watched every word I said to make sure not to provoke him. I walked on egg shells but I couldn't imagine my life without him.

I tried many things to get the relationship back on track.  All the things that worked in the early days but things got worse with me being alone all the time just waiting for him to come home. I tried to talk my way back in to make the perfect house to fix the perfect meal. I didn't know about alcoholism back then "cunning baffling and powerful" I thought I could fix it if I just kept trying. Our relationship ended one Thanksgiving when he said he that he didn't love me and wanted a divorce. 

That was probably the most honest thing he ever said to me. He didn't tell me he had a girlfriend I am sure to save himself from being more of a bad guy. Alcoholism knows how to protect itself and how to manipulate the opinions of others. He was the life of the party and I was just dragging him down and this is what I believed because he told me it was true. 

He left and I was no one without him. I am smart and kept my life together financially so that when I wasn't working I could lay on the couch and sleep with all my clothes on sometimes the whole weekend. I lost my identity to alcoholism and didn't even know it.

I remember when I went to counseling and she asked me about the drinking. I said I never saw him drunk but he was always drinking. My only experience with alcoholics was my uncle who would be sober for six months and then binge until he passed out on floor.  My husband had a good job and was very popular. It was me that holding us back and I wanted to fix that. 

He was gone by the time I began to attend Al-Anon. It was the only thing I did besides sleep on the couch and go to work. I had a great sponsor who at first insisted on picking me up every day to go to a meeting if there was one. I had one hour of peace every day and I eventually was able to drive myself.

I was using the slogans because I was dead inside and they were simple. I listened to collections of positive phases in my car even though I didn't believe them. I was a zombie on the inside just doing a list of things I was told to do. Alcoholism had broken me I didn't have any solutions left inside of me. I surrendered my will over to a God of my own understanding.

I don't think I will ever really get over that relationship because it made me feel so safe when I needed that. It also ruined me and made me hate myself because I couldn't fix it. It saved me in the end because I found Al-Anon and I had to work through all the problems created by the death of my mother and the indifference of my family towards me. I had to see that my suffering was cause by the beliefs I had about myself. 

Yes other people planted some of those negative ideas and yes over the years those ideas were re-enforce by being rejected over and over but it was my own self talk that believed this crap. People are messed up and if you rely on what they do or say as proof you are enough then you are never on solid ground. We are all born complete and whole and deserve love and if we don't get it it isn't because we don't deserve it. 

I believe in forgiveness and letting go. You have to learn the lessons life teaches you or your just stuck forever with the same thoughts with the same kind of relationships. I don't really like to go back and tell my story anymore but today I felt it needed to be said. 

I can romanticize those early days watching him standing on those rocks but things were already heading for the rocks but I was young and he saved me momentarily from my own suffering. He made me feel safe and wanted. I have forgiven him and being able to feel that moment of love for him in my meditation made me see that I can love what we had even if it didn't last. This is an old story but one that made me who I am today. Today I am whole and happy most of the time. 

 

 

My picker is broken - I have loved well - that is enough

I am off this weekend which is nice but I don't have a clear plan of what to do with my time.  I have a number of projects like usual but they all seem kind of daunting at this point. I also have outdoor projects but is is really hot and humid today and we just had a short rain shower which doesn't help.

I was texting back and forth with a young friend this morning she is getting ready to move into her first house. It is a property that her mother has owned as a rental for a few years. I don't know what the arrangement is long term but is seems pretty permanent. She hasn't had a steady anybody in a number of years since her relationship with an active alcoholic . I can totally get that.

You feel that you can't trust anyone and worse you can't trust yourself. My sponsor use to say "your picker is broken" she meant it in a humorous way but saying that just reinforced what I was thinking.  I wanted to control everything back then and I my analytical brain worked hard to find a solution and correct the repeated mistakes I was making. 

The second time around I thought I corrected my picking problem and it was by far a much better situation but still there was that underlying drinking problem. I will be the first to say I had some serious problems of my own or we wouldn't have been such a great match. 

I was a caretaker and derived my self esteem from creating an atmosphere of comfort. It was more important for the people around me to be happy than my own happiness. I did this mostly in a stealth way where no one really knew all the small things I was doing.  I have done this in all areas of my life because I just like for other people not to suffer. 

The problem is that at some point along the line I get weary and resentful. I feel I am too far in to turn back and risk the disappointment of others. I would rather suffer myself than inflict it on other people. I can see that this is my pattern and I don't do it anymore which makes me feel guilty only sometimes. I am definitely not as popular as I use to be but I feel rested and happy. 

I have learned that suffering can really make you grow so who am I to keep other people from growing. I know this is just another justification but it works for me. 

My work is a substitute for catering to the needs of others and I get paid to do it. I do try to encourage anyone I come in contact with. It is rough out there right now and people are spending more time with themselves than ever and it is uncomfortable. We are creatures of habit and suddenly the things we counted on to distract us aren't there. The only solution is to keep moving and call someone at least once a day. 

My picker has picked me at this point. I do think sometimes how nice it would be to share my life with someone but for now I am content to just live each day and be grateful. I know that we are all looking for someone to take care of us and this has made me popular in the past. I have loved well and with all my heart even if in the end it wasn't appreciated.  I can appreciate myself now and the energy I invested in the people that I have shared my life with and that is enough.

 

Daily forgiveness and lies we tell ourselves

 I am still doing my daily out loud forgiveness. Saying the names of the three people I still feel resentment towards sometimes. It doesn't seem like lip service anymore and it really doesn't seem like anything at all. The solution is always inside my own head but it has taken this long to get to the point where I know I have the solution.

The brain is the collector of all the things we have ever experienced the words that have been said to us and the things we have seen. Repetition is the root of all the negativity we have experienced  Starting with when we are young and a  seed of negativity planted by someone we thought knew everything or someone that loved us or maybe someone that was trying to help.

For me it started when I had problems in school.  The first week of school ending up in the hall of Mrs. Outz's class a women my mother went to college with. This was stressful and was the beginning of a long life of just not fitting in really. I quickly got the impression that there was something wrong with me and it was very upsetting to my my mother.  

She addressed this as a discipline problem and up the number of whippings I received then put me on a sugar free diet.  In the second grade I had my eyes tested and I am legally blind without my glasses.  This did help my grades a lot but not really my behavior.  There was some discussion of medication but my parents didn't like the idea and although they weren't hippies but they did think diet was important hence the no sugar regimen. 

I even spent a few months in special ed with Bobby who lived on my street. I thought it was strange that they gave me this time off from class to play with Bobby who obviously had some serious problems. The truth is no one could explain why what we were doing in class was so important.  It seemed so dull to me I could think of a million different things I could be doing with my time. 

When my mom got cancer in the third grade the focus shifted to her and I had to figure things out for myself.  I had to make myself invisible as much as possible and entertainment myself. This led to many hours in our basement alone coming up with projects constantly creating things. I had some friends mostly younger kids who didn't mind having a leader to follow.  I made things fun and no one got into trouble. It was a good time in my life but it did shape the person I became.

I have always believed that I am a problem and even to this day I try to not bother people if I don't have to. I am self sufficient in every way possible which makes me come across and not needing anyone. I am sure my exes would agree with that. They wanted someone who didn't need anything from them and could be autonomous. I remember the few times I needed emotional support they ran away.

This how I have become me. The difference now is that I don't think I am a problem. The child in me learned that a long time ago.  I have made it a habit to not ask for help because in the past I haven't gotten it from the people that said they loved me. The difference now is that I know it is not my fault. Humans are messed up and we live alone in our heads with only our own feedback. We hurt the child in others as well as the child inside without even realizing it.

I am constantly listening to what I am telling myself and when it is negative I ask myself "why do you believe this?" It is always the patterns we have laid down in our brains that we have repeated over and over again. We have to make an effort to stop repeating and replacing them with positive thoughts about ourselves.

My 21 days of forgiveness is an exercise of re-writing the past and replacing the bad with the good. My point is that we have the power to stop the words in our own mind. We can stop believing they are true and get out from under the lies we tell ourselves. We can experience freedom for the first time.

Forgiveness in 21 days - Freedom

I heard a teacher talk about forgiveness and the brain and how saying out loud the people that you still have angst against "I forgive you ____" will set you free.  Just like everything else this starts to sink in brain after 21 days. You get another path etched in your brain just like a new habit.  I have to admit that it feels fake. It reminds me of the slogan "fake it until you make it".  It does feel like it is working.

I have three people on this list and after a couple weeks of practicing this I can actually say their names without making comments afterward. One person in particular has been hard to forgive my stepmother. The other two are just my ex's and the venom is just not there anymore.  I was an adult and they were adults and the pain has passed.

My stepmother was the adult and I was the child.  She was vicious towards me and really everybody else. Every word that came out of her mouth was hateful never a kind word for anyone even now. I think the difference for me was that I was a child and I believed ever word she said about me well into my adulthood.  I stayed that fearful child never measuring up to her standards which became my standards. This is why childhood trauma is so hard to unto for most people. The child inside is still there in some capacity and still believes the words said back then.  

I couldn't understand why she disliked so much. I tried to be perfect in every way but "I was never enough".  I thought it was me that I was not lovable and took this with me through most of my life. In every relationship I felt I was not enough. Really in the end I was not enough for myself. I had to get that thought out my system.  Since I am analytical I can list reasons why this idea is true.  This is not a good combination and can cause a loop of negativity. 

I was surprised that my Dad wasn't on this list of forgiveness. I have forgiven him mainly because after our last meeting together I realized he did not have the ability to be more than he was. After a violent childhood where an angry father beat everyone into submission my dad and most of his siblings shut down and are still that way today. They are all kind and generous but show little emotion. This is how he survived.

I always longed for him to stand up for me when I was being verbally abused by my stepmother. I thought his silence meant that he didn't love me. My mother was dead and now my daddy obviously didn't think I was worth fighting for either.  He had a new family and I was disposable. I left at sixteen because I felt unloved and my position in the family was the maid and babysitter. My cleaning was inspected like I was in the military.

I know her life was not easy and she made a bad choice at an early age and married a man who left her while she was pregnant. She has never gotten over that and the last time I saw her she was still talking about how he left her.  I am sure even though she blamed him in her heart she felt that it was her fault.. Her mother moved in with her a strict woman with high standards the divorce was a disgrace.

I have to admit that I can say her name out loud without wincing. It is truly the last hurdle the child in me has to jump to be set free. The patterns made in my brain so long ago were deep and my belief in them just deepened their truth for me. Because I believed them it made them stronger. The brain goes to what is familiar the thoughts and beliefs we have always had. We have to replace those thoughts to move on. This is why we try to escape through addition which is also a familiar pattern. 

Twenty one days seems to be the magic number to create lasting habits and in this case forgiveness. I feel lighter even if I am just half way through at this point. She always represented evil to me. A person so hurt going through life spreading  that hurt to other people. Another slogan "hurt people hurt people" she isn't any different than my own dad damaged by her childhood and rejected by someone she thought would love her forever. I surely can relate to this. 

Try forgiveness for 21 days - You know who they are when you can't say their out loud without a little pain but you will get past it.  I have been an adult a long time now physically and spiritually but this last little act of forgiveness, maybe not so little, feels good. The child in me wants to hold a grudge but trust me now to do what is best for the both of us. We are ready to forgive it will set us free. 

 

Goals - Milestones - Hacking the brain

I have felt flat for a few weeks my interest in anything had vanished.  This scares me because I felt like this a long time when I was depressed.  I would live each day just doing a mundane list of things that were required to stay alive. Luckily it lifted Tuesday just as quickly as it appeared. What a relief to be engaged again getting things done. 

I could blame it on the over the counter hormone creams suggested by my doctor or it could be the emotions of the world at this point.  I am super busy at work and spent yesterday just trying to feel human again.  I didn't give myself the usual list of things to do and just spent the day cleaning and doing laundry.  I did make a small book shelf for the art books I moved up stairs. I needed to put them on a shelf so I took an old drawer head and cut the ends off and skewed them vertically onto the center piece. A u shaped shelf that keeps the books from falling over. It was the exact size to fit the books I have. 

I recently listened to the science of how our brain chemicals are set up to release feel good hormones in increments as we move towards our goals.  Their example was if we found a honey comb in the top of a tree we were flooded with desire to reach to top of that tree for our reward. Once we got the prize that same chemical would disappear totally and we needed another prize to activate that feel good feeling again. 

This is why the planning process of getting somewhere or actually doing something gives us such a thrill while the actually trip or project isn't as exciting as we imagined it would be.The chemistry in the mind is only needs the idea of something to give us a quick charge.  I guess this is how video games work or even searching on our phones simulates the hunt. 

The important thing is that the big goal has to be achievable in increments so that we can get to a place of small success. If the goal is not reasonable and seems so far out there that it will never happen then it won't work.  I guess I would call that milestones in the process.

It is funny to me that this is how I have always tricked myself into doing the next step towards getting something done. Convincing myself that it was just this small thing that needed doing today and not to worry about how big the project is. In the program we would say "you can eat an elephant one bite at a time". 

In the old days I would get paralyzed by the size of a goal and if I didn't think I could get it done perfectly all at one time I would just not do it. Now I realize that it was my desire for perfection that keep me from even trying. Now I know that the planning is part of the joy I feel and I should enjoy the process instead of the result.  When the project is finished I will just have to make new plans and start all over with another project.

I guess that is why I do have the perfect job for me. I can do all the planning and turn it over to others to make it come to life while I am planning something else and activating those feel good feeling. The lesson is to make big goals but not too big and have milestones along the way to celebrate. I think this is especially important right now with so much time alone with ourselves.

 

The voices in our heads - not ours - not good enough

Watching Chopped has become my new happy hour at night to wind down from the stress of the day. Last night there was an episode where one of the chefs playing talked about how his father thought he was never good enough. He never measured up and he left home at 17 and never went back.

He might not have went back but he brought his dad's voice along with him and it was controlling his life. Every round he confessed to the mistakes he had made to the judges and how he should be chopped.  He said he wanted to win so he could prove to his staff that he deserved to lead them. 

It was heart breaking because he was the only one that couldn't see that he was carrying the words of his father and hearing it from a child's perspective. When we are children our minds are like a big sponge and everything stays with us forever. We believe the opinions of the adults around us because they are the Gods in our lives.

In my own life I felt like I wasn't good enough no matter what kind of success I had in business or personally. I never really allowed myself to enjoyed the moment I had to keep working on to be better everyday. I rarely felt any joy in just living and being who I am.

In the program I did learn that what people said about me were just their opinions made through the lenses of their own messed up lives. Luckily I am the most stubborn person especially when someone tells me I can't do something. I pushed through every obstacle imaginable but never felt like I was enough. Some part of myself believed what was said about me when I was young. 

I have chosen people over the course of my life that mirrored my own feelings about myself. I wanted to be appreciated without appreciating myself.  I can see that now how I was striving to become good enough and have other people to fill that void in myself. Today I am free from that wanting and avoid the people that don't support me.  

The guy from the show won of course.  Ironically he was up against a woman who had great parents that supported everything she did.  She wanted to win to show her parents that the sacrifices they made for her were worth it. She remarked that it was sad to think his parents couldn't see his potential.  She was happy for him and hoped he could start believing in himself.

We are the ones that keep these voice alive sometimes even after the person who said them are dead. People are messed up and want to hurt other people with their words.  We can choose to believe those words or we can see they are only words. 

 

Being the adult in the room - Not helpless and abused - Dealing with the anger of others

Hope everyone had a good week.  I had a long work we not too manic but exhausting. Working yesterday was the icing on the cake with a seriously agitated woman and her husband coming in to pick up some material they purchased over the phone the day before.  It wasn't the right material and she was yelling at the receptionist. She decided she needed an adult to handle this and called me.

We have someone that handles the small stuff that is hourly and only works the regular week. He is eager to please and sometimes gets the details wrong because he is moving so fast. He has been a big help to the designers because we don't have to deal with this kind of stuff. 

She took her mask off to yell at me. Truthfully I was shaking but I found the right items and had to price them and then refund the wrong items and recharge the right items.  I had gone back to my office and worked up the price it took me longer because didn't want to make a mistake under stress. 

When I came back out she was complaining that it was taking me too long and got in my face again. I finally said "please do not talk to me like that - we are trying to help you". Even with my mask on she knew she had gone too far at this point and her whole demeanor changed.

In my own nervousness I did end up charging her card instead of refunding it so I had to refund twice and then charge the new amount. She did thank before she left and said they were under a lot stress moving from one house to another,

I hate it when people think that people in customer service are there for their abuse. I hear my co-worker next door constantly hammering people on the phone anytime she has a billing problem and it seems she always has billing problems. It isn't the person on the phone or in the store who is personally responsible for the mistake made why ruin someones day.

I think people get outraged about things to vent all that they are unhappy about in their very small world. Especially now because people are having a hard time adapting to the world changes we are experiencing  Being outraged towards strangers does not solve anything and just creates more stress. 

I get it for sure and what ever anyone does to us it isn't personal.  It is coming from a place that has nothing to do with us. This doesn't mean you have to accept bad behavior and you definitely have a right to stand up for yourself in a controlled none threatening way. 

I don't always like being the adult in the room but it is better than feeling helpless and abused. I am always careful to not lash back but realize I don't know what is going on with the other person. I don't want to add fuel to the fire. 

Glad to be home today with only myself to deal with.