I am pretty much back to work and grateful to have business in this uncertain time. It is funny that I was beginning to enjoy not feeling that underlying anxiety of "you must do more". Being in sales and living a life where your income is based solely on whether your clients do the job or not is a daily reality. Ironically customers are unlikely to go with you if they sense this underlying anxiety. You have to sincerely let go of the outcome if you can't do this they can feel it.
The way I do this is that I have to trust that I will be provided for and that if I don't get this particular job then there will be another one. I ask myself "will the outcome change what I will be having for dinner tonight?" This is the only way I can live with the uncertainty of the work I do and really the uncertainty of life in general.
The analogy I use is that I am a gardener and I am constantly planting and harvesting. I keep jobs in every stage so I will have something closing all the time. I am actually made for this type of work because it means I have a variety of things to work on and people to work with. It satisfies my mind that never stops wanting to be entertained and challenged.
I have learned to trust myself that if I am not whipping myself to get something done now that it is okay. I must intuitively know that I have time and will meet the deadline. I have to be patient with myself and know that I need breaks from the chaos so I can be more focused when I am working.
I also know that timing is everything and if someone isn't ready you just have to wait until they are. Sometimes people have things going on in their lives that change their priorities for the moment. Luckily right now everyone is stuck at home looking around and watching HG TV and thinking about projects they want to get done.
I am not always so zen about my circumstances and sometimes I hear "you should be working today" even if it is my official day off. I always feel that I could be doing more no matter how much I work that is the nature of any business where you are getting paid based on what you are bringing in and not a job for everyone.
Managing uncertainty isn't really possible but having that little talk with yourself when anxiety is bubbling up is something we all must do. For me I say to myself "is there anything that can be done about that today?" If it is state of the world or the economy or lets not forget the pandemic the answer is no. I can then focus on the small stuff that is a part of my day and this moves me forward.
If I am beating myself up about not being motivated I ask myself "is this an emergency - this thing you don't really want to do today?" The answer is mostly no and the deadline is an arbitrary one I have put on the project and therefore I can change it.
I love my job and I am good at it even if my garden right now is not producing anything. I have been planting for a long time and can see a few sprouts coming up here and there so I have to trust the process and be patient.
Saturday, April 25, 2020
Friday, April 17, 2020
Step 1 - Denial to Acceptance - Life goes on
I have been back to a more normal schedule this week with customer appointments and spending more time in the office than at home. Just when I was starting to get use the working at home and getting things done around the house. I am grateful to have some business right now. Life does go on no matter what.
I visited our grocery store midday yesterday thinking that it would be less crowded. I only go once every few weeks when I am running low on salad. It was pretty peaceful there and not too crowded. One of my customers said he had gone to the store one morning and check out took 90 minutes. I thought I would have to be really desperate to wait 90 minutes.
He told me that both he and his wife are psychologist working for a hospital supporting patients facing medical crisis. The hospital is taking steps now to reduce the staff since the hospital is mostly empty. I don't think people realize just how this will touch everybody. I left there feeling a little disheartened.
After going to the grocery store and having a pretty calm experience I felt a little better. They had one way arrows on the isles and a tape box to stand a the register with lines on how far apart to stand. I ask an employee where the sauerkraut was and he took me the wrong way and a man glared at me pointing to the arrow. I explained that I was following the employee.
Some people had mask and gloves and other people did not. While waiting for a woman in produce with no gloves I watched while she picked up and put back a half dozen plastic boxes of already diced vegetable. I thought about why some people conform and some don't. Maybe she doesn't have access to gloves or a mask right now. Maybe she thinks this isn't real. This is what one of my co-workers to me yesterday. I said "I am sure those people that have died would disagree with you".
I am sure those taunting "fake news" will continue to do so especially since the death toll will not be as bad as originally thought because the country has been shut down. Let's face it in the world of economics money always trumps people. We have always had to force corporations to protect their employees and this always cost them money. Is it good business or greed it is hard to say. Remember history when during the industrial revolution children worked in the factories and in some countries they still do. People were just trying to survive and this is how they did it back then. Kid were a commodity to work on farms or to work in factories.
This happens because people need to feed their families and if that means going to work sick then that is what you do especially if there is an abundance of workers and a shortage of jobs. The people in the Smithfield pork factory went to work sick because they don't want to be seen as less interested in working than the person next to them. Work while you can because the future is uncertain at this point.
I am still optimistic at this point even if it doesn't sound like it. The other thing I read that if anyone took one of the government bridge loans they have to put people back to work by I think June 1 to get those funds. Also we are adaptable even if we are forced into it. We are creative in this country and will figure out how to move on in every part of life.
The more adaptable you are the less this will feel like a punishment. We don't know what the future holds but if it makes people feel better I am going to wear a mask and gloves when I am in the public. Pretending that this isn't happening doesn't stop the virus and it feeds denial.
I know the power of denial when I lived with alcoholism I just couldn't bring myself to believe it. Even after he was gone I still stayed in denial about my own behavior. How my own coping mechanisms had kept me from seeing the truth about my life.
We bury our heads in the sand because the reality of the situation is more than we can handle at that moment. It was a gradual process for me back then and it saved me from feeling the full brunt of what was happening to me all at one time. I eventually through the 12 steps was able to see the truth little by little. Everyone has their on speed for this and can really dig in when they are not ready to accept the new reality. It all starts with that first step.
I visited our grocery store midday yesterday thinking that it would be less crowded. I only go once every few weeks when I am running low on salad. It was pretty peaceful there and not too crowded. One of my customers said he had gone to the store one morning and check out took 90 minutes. I thought I would have to be really desperate to wait 90 minutes.
He told me that both he and his wife are psychologist working for a hospital supporting patients facing medical crisis. The hospital is taking steps now to reduce the staff since the hospital is mostly empty. I don't think people realize just how this will touch everybody. I left there feeling a little disheartened.
After going to the grocery store and having a pretty calm experience I felt a little better. They had one way arrows on the isles and a tape box to stand a the register with lines on how far apart to stand. I ask an employee where the sauerkraut was and he took me the wrong way and a man glared at me pointing to the arrow. I explained that I was following the employee.
Some people had mask and gloves and other people did not. While waiting for a woman in produce with no gloves I watched while she picked up and put back a half dozen plastic boxes of already diced vegetable. I thought about why some people conform and some don't. Maybe she doesn't have access to gloves or a mask right now. Maybe she thinks this isn't real. This is what one of my co-workers to me yesterday. I said "I am sure those people that have died would disagree with you".
I am sure those taunting "fake news" will continue to do so especially since the death toll will not be as bad as originally thought because the country has been shut down. Let's face it in the world of economics money always trumps people. We have always had to force corporations to protect their employees and this always cost them money. Is it good business or greed it is hard to say. Remember history when during the industrial revolution children worked in the factories and in some countries they still do. People were just trying to survive and this is how they did it back then. Kid were a commodity to work on farms or to work in factories.
This happens because people need to feed their families and if that means going to work sick then that is what you do especially if there is an abundance of workers and a shortage of jobs. The people in the Smithfield pork factory went to work sick because they don't want to be seen as less interested in working than the person next to them. Work while you can because the future is uncertain at this point.
I am still optimistic at this point even if it doesn't sound like it. The other thing I read that if anyone took one of the government bridge loans they have to put people back to work by I think June 1 to get those funds. Also we are adaptable even if we are forced into it. We are creative in this country and will figure out how to move on in every part of life.
The more adaptable you are the less this will feel like a punishment. We don't know what the future holds but if it makes people feel better I am going to wear a mask and gloves when I am in the public. Pretending that this isn't happening doesn't stop the virus and it feeds denial.
I know the power of denial when I lived with alcoholism I just couldn't bring myself to believe it. Even after he was gone I still stayed in denial about my own behavior. How my own coping mechanisms had kept me from seeing the truth about my life.
We bury our heads in the sand because the reality of the situation is more than we can handle at that moment. It was a gradual process for me back then and it saved me from feeling the full brunt of what was happening to me all at one time. I eventually through the 12 steps was able to see the truth little by little. Everyone has their on speed for this and can really dig in when they are not ready to accept the new reality. It all starts with that first step.
Saturday, April 11, 2020
It isn't personal - coping with change - stuck in "why this is happening to me"
I am still working on my many projects at home and even creating more work for myself at every turn. I did go to the office yesterday to turn in an order for a job. No one there and the receptionist said I was the first person to come through the doors at 11 AM.
Yesterday while at work I did have two calls one from an old customer and one from a customer wanting to start their project in June as scheduled. This is encouraging and gave me hope that I will have work when this is over. The other call was from one of my customers that I did a new kitchen for in 2017.
During the remodel his wife was diagnosed with MS and now they need to convert their master bathroom to be more accessible. I remember when I first met him how he was very assertive and was use to making every decision without anyone's input. We butted heads on a number of things and I finally convinced him to trust me. In the end they were very happy with the kitchen.
Life can really suck. Just when you think you have things figured out then "BAM" something just knocks you off your feet. I wondered how much their life has changed since I last saw them and how they are managing with this illness. I will find out on Monday when I see them.
It is good we don't know the future or we would never get up in the morning. We can only work on a day by day basis and hope that we have the courage to just deal with what comes our way. I remember one year at our annual office Christmas luncheon I looked around the table and thought "I wonder who won't be at the table next year" it turned out to be me. I was let go and in school the following Christmas. You just never know.
What I know now that I haven't known most of my life is that "it isn't personal". I thought that I caused every bad thing that happened to me. God was punishing me because I was a bad person. I thought if I wasn't who I was that the outcome would have been different. This idea kept me stuck is my own mind and in my own prison of asking myself "why did this happen to me".
It doesn't help that we live in a society that lives for "The Secret" or even the church of my childhood saying only bad things happen to bad people. Sinners are being punished for their sins. When my mother died it was a shock to me because she was so good. Then the story changed to God needed her in heaven. My views on suffering have been centered around thinking everything is my fault.
The Bible says "rain falls on the just and the unjust" my words anyway. I always thought I could analyze every bad thing that happened to me and prevent it from happening to me again. The trouble with that is that the next bad thing that happened wasn't what I was preparing for in the first place.
I have wasted my life with this kind of thinking. I don't think Pandemic was on my list of things to prepare for but here we are shutdown and dealing with it. Today I am just putting the future aside since I can't do anything else at the moment and working on my to do list.
Yesterday while at work I did have two calls one from an old customer and one from a customer wanting to start their project in June as scheduled. This is encouraging and gave me hope that I will have work when this is over. The other call was from one of my customers that I did a new kitchen for in 2017.
During the remodel his wife was diagnosed with MS and now they need to convert their master bathroom to be more accessible. I remember when I first met him how he was very assertive and was use to making every decision without anyone's input. We butted heads on a number of things and I finally convinced him to trust me. In the end they were very happy with the kitchen.
Life can really suck. Just when you think you have things figured out then "BAM" something just knocks you off your feet. I wondered how much their life has changed since I last saw them and how they are managing with this illness. I will find out on Monday when I see them.
It is good we don't know the future or we would never get up in the morning. We can only work on a day by day basis and hope that we have the courage to just deal with what comes our way. I remember one year at our annual office Christmas luncheon I looked around the table and thought "I wonder who won't be at the table next year" it turned out to be me. I was let go and in school the following Christmas. You just never know.
What I know now that I haven't known most of my life is that "it isn't personal". I thought that I caused every bad thing that happened to me. God was punishing me because I was a bad person. I thought if I wasn't who I was that the outcome would have been different. This idea kept me stuck is my own mind and in my own prison of asking myself "why did this happen to me".
It doesn't help that we live in a society that lives for "The Secret" or even the church of my childhood saying only bad things happen to bad people. Sinners are being punished for their sins. When my mother died it was a shock to me because she was so good. Then the story changed to God needed her in heaven. My views on suffering have been centered around thinking everything is my fault.
The Bible says "rain falls on the just and the unjust" my words anyway. I always thought I could analyze every bad thing that happened to me and prevent it from happening to me again. The trouble with that is that the next bad thing that happened wasn't what I was preparing for in the first place.
I have wasted my life with this kind of thinking. I don't think Pandemic was on my list of things to prepare for but here we are shutdown and dealing with it. Today I am just putting the future aside since I can't do anything else at the moment and working on my to do list.
Wednesday, April 8, 2020
Is it Alcoholism? Trapped with addiction
I am not sure why this came up for me today but I thought is might be worth sharing. I think my husband was and maybe still is an alcoholic. I remember one of the last trips we took together to meet my sister and her husband for a long weekend. My family doesn't drink and so he tried to respect that the whole weekend. Since I was in denial and just wanted things to go smoothly it never occurred to me that this would be a problem.
We got there on Friday and by Saturday he was like a caged animal pacing about and overall complaining about everything. This was not his normal state especially when he had an audience other than me. He liked for people to think he was nice and funny and made his best efforts to put on a good face. That weekend none of my instinctual methods to calm him worked.
I have always had the ability to talk people off the ledge something I use to be proud of. I learned early that saying the perfect thing at the right time made people happier. I think this is why I have attracted people who need to be talked off the ledge. It also makes me good in a crisis.
By Sunday for me the trip had be miserable but we were meeting my sister's friend and her husband for dinner before heading home the next morning. They order drinks and he felt comfortable enough to order "a couple of beers". I saw it on his face the relief and then the instant change in his personality he became the nice guy again.
I knew nothing about functioning alcoholism at that time. My experience with alcoholism was my uncle who, when he drank, passed out in the middle of the living room. He didn't work unless he was dry I just thought my husband was a social drinker.
After we split and I went to counselor who suggested Al-Anon and I was confused. Then I started looking at my life with new eyes she showed me a graph of the progression of alcoholism and where infidelity was one of the points. Sort of like the bubble graph they are showing for the virus. Other things like tickets even when not DUI's and problems at work.
I even went as far as to test this theory by meeting him at restaurants that didn't serve alcohol. He went nuts and complained that it was ridiculous to not serve some kind of alcohol. He use to have stains on his pants that he could never explain and later I realized that was from holding beers between his legs. I couldn't believe that I hadn't seen this before. I blamed myself for living in denial.
Addiction and alcoholism is really - Cunning Baffling and Powerful. I believe that we are all a part of the the problem and the solution. Everyone has their own ways to cope with life when it is unacceptable and the earlier the problems that need coping with start than the stronger the addiction.
We all have our go to things when we are afraid. For my husband it was the deaf of his mother at 11 and being left with his little brother in a home where his dad drank for three solid years. They were on their own started smoking pot and drinking too. The escape worked then and it became his choice of escape as an adult. His dad did get sober later on but really had no idea what those boys went through.
Our escape starts out as a good thing giving us relief but when it takes over our life whether that is food or alcohol it can be destructive. Right now we are all finding out what we use to cope with stressful situation. Someone at work told me her brother gave her 300 dollars to by as much liquor as possible.
I imagine that this is going to be hard on people living with alcoholism. Like Thanksgiving going on for weeks. Trapped with addiction. The affects of addiction on the family is so widespread. For me it was an enemy that I refused to see. I thought I could manage on my own and stayed isolated with only the alcoholic for daily feedback. To him I was the problem and I believed that because our once happy relationship had turned to ruin. I couldn't stop it no matter how hard I tried.
The last time I saw him he was about to get remarried and we met for lunch. As he sat and sucked down "a couple of beers" he told me he gave up counseling because he didn't think he needed it. He told me he would never love anyone as much as he loved me. How nice I thought "let's call your soon to be wife and let her know". At the time I did still love the person beneath the alcoholism but that person didn't surface too often anymore.
If you love someone that is addicted it is hard to see what it is doing to you. Try to find some time alone to read something positive even if only for five minutes. Put on head phones and go out to YouTube and type in inspirational and just listen. It won't fix the problem but it will distract you for a moment and the more you do it the better you will feel. You can't fix whats happening now just like you can't fix someone else is addiction. You have to find ways to distract the mind that is healthy.
We got there on Friday and by Saturday he was like a caged animal pacing about and overall complaining about everything. This was not his normal state especially when he had an audience other than me. He liked for people to think he was nice and funny and made his best efforts to put on a good face. That weekend none of my instinctual methods to calm him worked.
I have always had the ability to talk people off the ledge something I use to be proud of. I learned early that saying the perfect thing at the right time made people happier. I think this is why I have attracted people who need to be talked off the ledge. It also makes me good in a crisis.
By Sunday for me the trip had be miserable but we were meeting my sister's friend and her husband for dinner before heading home the next morning. They order drinks and he felt comfortable enough to order "a couple of beers". I saw it on his face the relief and then the instant change in his personality he became the nice guy again.
I knew nothing about functioning alcoholism at that time. My experience with alcoholism was my uncle who, when he drank, passed out in the middle of the living room. He didn't work unless he was dry I just thought my husband was a social drinker.
After we split and I went to counselor who suggested Al-Anon and I was confused. Then I started looking at my life with new eyes she showed me a graph of the progression of alcoholism and where infidelity was one of the points. Sort of like the bubble graph they are showing for the virus. Other things like tickets even when not DUI's and problems at work.
I even went as far as to test this theory by meeting him at restaurants that didn't serve alcohol. He went nuts and complained that it was ridiculous to not serve some kind of alcohol. He use to have stains on his pants that he could never explain and later I realized that was from holding beers between his legs. I couldn't believe that I hadn't seen this before. I blamed myself for living in denial.
Addiction and alcoholism is really - Cunning Baffling and Powerful. I believe that we are all a part of the the problem and the solution. Everyone has their own ways to cope with life when it is unacceptable and the earlier the problems that need coping with start than the stronger the addiction.
We all have our go to things when we are afraid. For my husband it was the deaf of his mother at 11 and being left with his little brother in a home where his dad drank for three solid years. They were on their own started smoking pot and drinking too. The escape worked then and it became his choice of escape as an adult. His dad did get sober later on but really had no idea what those boys went through.
Our escape starts out as a good thing giving us relief but when it takes over our life whether that is food or alcohol it can be destructive. Right now we are all finding out what we use to cope with stressful situation. Someone at work told me her brother gave her 300 dollars to by as much liquor as possible.
I imagine that this is going to be hard on people living with alcoholism. Like Thanksgiving going on for weeks. Trapped with addiction. The affects of addiction on the family is so widespread. For me it was an enemy that I refused to see. I thought I could manage on my own and stayed isolated with only the alcoholic for daily feedback. To him I was the problem and I believed that because our once happy relationship had turned to ruin. I couldn't stop it no matter how hard I tried.
The last time I saw him he was about to get remarried and we met for lunch. As he sat and sucked down "a couple of beers" he told me he gave up counseling because he didn't think he needed it. He told me he would never love anyone as much as he loved me. How nice I thought "let's call your soon to be wife and let her know". At the time I did still love the person beneath the alcoholism but that person didn't surface too often anymore.
If you love someone that is addicted it is hard to see what it is doing to you. Try to find some time alone to read something positive even if only for five minutes. Put on head phones and go out to YouTube and type in inspirational and just listen. It won't fix the problem but it will distract you for a moment and the more you do it the better you will feel. You can't fix whats happening now just like you can't fix someone else is addiction. You have to find ways to distract the mind that is healthy.
Friday, April 3, 2020
Music Therapy - Peace - Putting Fear aside
I have been working on my house today listening to the 70's music collection. I requested this for one of my many birthdays. Of course everyone made fun of me at the time. I think it was the Time Life series advertised with an infomercial. It is one of the longest lasting gifts I have ever had. When I want to just tune out the world it quiets my nerves. Oddly enough when I am at home I like silence.
You don't get this when you are living with another person really ever. Especially with a sports fanatic or in the case of my in-laws who were hard of hearing and kept the TV blasting. Sound has always been an issue for me because I have incredible hearing. It isn't just that things are loud it is certain decibels of sound makes me really nuts to the point of putting on head phones.
This person at work has a family of five that are loud and chaotic and their son who otherwise seems normal just doesn't respond to them until they call him a few times. They took him in to get his hearing tested and it is perfectly normal. I told him he was tuning them out to cope with the volume and chaos going on all the time. I remember when my family had big get together s I would have to find a quieter place when it became too much.
I enjoyed the music today but now it is off and my I do feel better. When we were kids before my mother got sick we were not aloud to listen to secular music in our house. With her sickness all rules got tossed out except when she was in the room. Otherwise we were sent to our rooms to entertain ourselves and do whatever we wanted.
I remember being probably nine spending the whole afternoon calling the radio station requesting Billy Joel's Piano Man a over and over. "Sorry Mom I know you are so proud" About guy in a bar playing the piano and the drinkers sitting around him. Not exactly Jesus music. If she was here she would say those people definitely needed Jesus.
It feels better to believe we aren't in charge of this world whether you believe in Jesus or not. We are all scared because we don't know what the future looks like and we have nothing but time to sit around and think about it.
I feel particularly peaceful today because I know there isn't one thing I can do to fix this problem or even to prepare for the future. I have finally learned to be still and accept this moment and not waste it running a countless number future bad scenarios through my head. We are not alone in this because we have each other and everyone is going through the same thing.
We think we can control everything but we can't. This is an unseen enemy and it has made us all stop and think about our lives and how they might change from what we had planned. I definitely have had experience with this and resisting the reality of the situation just makes you suffer.
I am taking this time to prepare mentally and do things around the house that will improve it's value. Making repairs painting in the event that I might not stay here long term. If it all works out then everything is shiny and new. I am grateful every day that I am physically and mentally healthier than I have ever been. I know no matter what happens I will be okay.
We can't let our minds run rampant with fear. It isn't good for us or younger people to see that fear. Be can be content with the time this has given us and know that soon enough we will right back out there and we can face it together.
You don't get this when you are living with another person really ever. Especially with a sports fanatic or in the case of my in-laws who were hard of hearing and kept the TV blasting. Sound has always been an issue for me because I have incredible hearing. It isn't just that things are loud it is certain decibels of sound makes me really nuts to the point of putting on head phones.
This person at work has a family of five that are loud and chaotic and their son who otherwise seems normal just doesn't respond to them until they call him a few times. They took him in to get his hearing tested and it is perfectly normal. I told him he was tuning them out to cope with the volume and chaos going on all the time. I remember when my family had big get together s I would have to find a quieter place when it became too much.
I enjoyed the music today but now it is off and my I do feel better. When we were kids before my mother got sick we were not aloud to listen to secular music in our house. With her sickness all rules got tossed out except when she was in the room. Otherwise we were sent to our rooms to entertain ourselves and do whatever we wanted.
I remember being probably nine spending the whole afternoon calling the radio station requesting Billy Joel's Piano Man a over and over. "Sorry Mom I know you are so proud" About guy in a bar playing the piano and the drinkers sitting around him. Not exactly Jesus music. If she was here she would say those people definitely needed Jesus.
It feels better to believe we aren't in charge of this world whether you believe in Jesus or not. We are all scared because we don't know what the future looks like and we have nothing but time to sit around and think about it.
I feel particularly peaceful today because I know there isn't one thing I can do to fix this problem or even to prepare for the future. I have finally learned to be still and accept this moment and not waste it running a countless number future bad scenarios through my head. We are not alone in this because we have each other and everyone is going through the same thing.
We think we can control everything but we can't. This is an unseen enemy and it has made us all stop and think about our lives and how they might change from what we had planned. I definitely have had experience with this and resisting the reality of the situation just makes you suffer.
I am taking this time to prepare mentally and do things around the house that will improve it's value. Making repairs painting in the event that I might not stay here long term. If it all works out then everything is shiny and new. I am grateful every day that I am physically and mentally healthier than I have ever been. I know no matter what happens I will be okay.
We can't let our minds run rampant with fear. It isn't good for us or younger people to see that fear. Be can be content with the time this has given us and know that soon enough we will right back out there and we can face it together.
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