Snakes and Swampy places - Depression

I have written five drafts that never got posted because I have had a number of weeks of ups and downs bordering on depression.  A sense of underlying sadness that I can't really contribute to anything in particular.

I did have my minor oral surgery and they did use twilight at my request so maybe that messed with my brain.  My sleep has been disturbed since I had the second vaccine but I can't be sure that either one is causing my mood change.  I have noticed on the nights of good long sleep I am my old self again.

With depression time can seem to go on forever when I am locked in the repetition of bad thoughts in my head.  The occasional negative comment from myself to myself is normal but when I go to familiar repetitive places of the past I feel like I am back on the old race track going around and around with no option to get off.  

In the midst of all this I have been cleaning out my jungle in the back yard.  This is not an exaggeration I live on a small inlet off the river. It is a circle with maybe ten houses on it. The oak trees and miscellaneous vegetation is so densely packed in that you cannot see the other houses. 

We all own a pie shaped piece that grows non stop and not easily tamed. Once a new owner  spent weeks and used serious machinery to fight back the vegetation and within a few months it was back and no one has tried since. It will never be a suburban backyard. 

I have started clearing my own piece of the pie.  There are snakes and mud back there where the river water ebbs and flows. I have put on my knee high Hello Kitty galoshes armed with my hand saw and started pruning. I was surprised that after the first four hours I could really see the difference. I have a high porch because the house sits on the hill. The front of the house at street level I can almost see the water from the porch. 

I am really looking at my neighbors water view. Just like me the last ten years for her has been full of heartbreak.  Her husband had severe heart problems and passed two years ago. She has done even less maintenance than me and when I moved here the side of their house was covered with vines.  We have zero lot lines and the side of her house is the right side of my driveway. In my compulsiveness I slowly removed them.

Clearing the back reminds me of what it is like to recover from something. It reminds me of being so lost that you can't imagine things could or will ever be different. It is a slow process healing from life's devastation. Losing someone or losing the life you thought you would have can leave stuck for a long time. 

It can't be done quick like the guy that spent so many weekends clearing everything. It is really about just starting somewhere that makes the view a little better. With one nine each blade and determination I can see the water and the possibilities. I can say to myself that I am not where I was before even if I experience a set back.

Recovery just like my jungle has snakes and swampy places that seem terrifying.  I have experienced these things before and know that am stronger now and will emerge better than ever. I have created a clearing that gives me hope for the future and I can trust myself to just keep cutting away the obstacles to mental health.

My neighbor has come alive after mourning her husband's death. She is writing and has a guy that regularly maintains her house for her. We have both spent the last decade focusing on the small moments right in front of us and being afraid of the future. 

I get mad at myself when I have a slip and immediately look at the lives of others and wonder why I couldn't have made better choices. Nobody gets what they want and even when they do they don't realize it. We make choices and then other people make choice that affect us. 

We can be content with the day and the life we have before us and create a new clearing that gives us hope for the future.  We can make sure we take care of our physical selves and know that we don't want to waste another moment being unhappy. 

   

Ignoring hidden problems - Moths every where

I have written three post but wasn't committed enough to post them.  I have felt a little unsettled for the past few weeks. I am working around the house today eradicating a growing nest of moths from an Asian rug I purchased a few years back.  I is hot and humid here and wool isn't something we have around much and this is why.

I have had this problem on and off for years and I have done everything to stop this from getting out of control. I lost the battle this year maybe because I am not willing to douse my rugs with pesticide for my sake.  Today I drug my 10 x 7 rug out on the driveway to survey the extensive damage. The colors are still vibrant but it has got to go.

I bought a synthetic cheap rug to replace it today.No insect is interested in plastic.  It was under a rustic driftwood dining table I haggled for. I can't just leave it bare it makes the room feel cold. I paid a decent price for the used Asian rug and it might end up in the basement doused with pesticide.

It did occur to me that maybe the funk I am feeling is just like that rug infestation. It has gone ignored for awhile doing unseen damage evidenced only by the occasional small harmless moth. Waiting until seeing moths in every room and being forced to face the destruction. This is how I live my life pushing things down until I just can't ignore it any longer.  

I have been happily slammed for the past year glad to be distracted emotionally from the reality of what is going on in the world. When I finally took off for a week I replaced work with my to do list for my personal life. Since I have been back to work I am feeling less comfortable with the pace of things and wanting more for my life. 

When I feel like this I can't help but think about the past and the people that are no longer in my life. I can't change the events of the past that led me to where I am today. I can't change the past but I can decide not to let it eat at me. I have been hurt and I have hurt people.

It is time to go back again and forgive the past my part and the part of others. We will always have those memories and from time to time we will wish for a different outcome. This is normal and every time this happens we have an opportunity to heal these hurts.

Each time these hurts surface we can see where we are in our process of forgiveness. We can once again let it go and know we have done our best even when sometimes it wasn't good enough.  We can be kind to ourselves and appreciate the progress we have made. 

It doesn't matter how long it takes or if we wait until we have a house full of moths we always do our best.  You notice  I am still not ready to get rid of that rug all together.