Step Eleven
Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood him, praying only for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry it out.
I started my day off by sleeping embarrassingly late yesterday. I was caught in a dream life and I couldn't give it up. I kept going back for more. I did finally get up and make coffee and went to the porch to write down my dream before I forgot it.
My neighbor came over after seeing me on the porch. He said he had something for me and within minutes I heard a knock at the door. I was in my robe and barely had time to get dressed. This is unusual since he has never been in my house.
He brought me over a bottle of homemade wine. He said he has been making wine for over 30 years. We sat on the porch and he told me about his life. He is a semi-retired acupuncturist and has been married three times. The few times I have seen his current wife she has had a big glass of wine in her hand. This might explain why.
He said he got into acupuncture about 15 years ago to help people. Interestingly enough he was previously in chemical sales seems like a logical transition. I told him I had used acupuncture for depression and my menopause when I first moved here. He said he couldn't imagine that I was depressed with all the parties I had had when I first moved in. This was me filling the void and parties were my friends from the program. That seems like a million years ago now.
My house has been empty since August. I finally faced the silence I had been running from and the silence is no longer painful. I was afraid that if I faced it it would swallow me and I would disappear. No one knew not even me just how lost I was until I became willing to stop running.
To my surprise the darkness didn't take me. It tried but I held my ground and it passed quickly and was replaced by a power greater than myself. As the months have passed I have become more comfortable in this peace I have found. I only lose it when I listen to my mind with all its infinite possible scenarios for doom.
To make conscious contact I meditate. My meditation usually involves cleaning with music sometimes and other times I need silence. I spent the rest of the day yesterday meditating erasing all physical traces of my dog. Folding and storing the dozen towels I used each week and scrubbing the floors. I put her bowl on the altar I created for the things and people I care about both alive and and in spirit.
The house is really clean for the first time in a long time. In order to deal with my dog and her aged state I had to let go of keeping things the way I would like them. First it was me and my depression and then it was her with her issues.
I am just starting to realize how much energy was going into taking care of her. I wouldn't change a thing but am relieved that I can live more free. Now that she isn't living in the kitchen I might actually cook and eat. I cleaned the refrigerator out yesterday and it looks pretty bare.
One day a week away from the computer and people, other than my neighbor, has changed my life. I feel more connected to God and able to listen for direction and a fringe benefit is that my house now reflects my mind. The clutter is gone for the moment just like the house is clean for the moment.
I am sorry for the loss of your dog. We recently said goodbye to two loved pets. Funny. When they were alive, they couldn't seem to stand each other. But after one passed, the other quickly followed.
ReplyDeleteYour post is interesting to me. My own growth has been, in one respect, opposite. My default mode has been to spend time alone. I'm learning what it means to live in community. I'm learning the joys of being around people.
Though I still value my quiet time, and being alone. I, too, seek to improve my conscious contact through meditation and quiet. In those quiet moments I feel closest to God and able to receive His guidance.
But I'm feeling more comfortable with others these days. It's less draining than it used to be. I'm learning to live in a world that is not about extremes in one direction or the other. For me, it's a matter of finding balance.
Thanks for sharing.
I easily isolate. I prefer the solitude of the boat. Oddly, I do enjoy going to parties. And at Christmas we have a large recovery group over. But the days of having people over for dinner every weekend are not what I want now. I am no longer trying to run, just relax and be still.
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