Getting over myself - Wild Horses

I am adjusting to the new level of intensity at work. It feels like the old days in my old world where work was king and that wasn't even given a second thought.

I am not that person anymore maybe it is age or spiritual maturity I don't know. Don't get me wrong I love being busy especially in a career I chose by default. It is also good for me to face some the obstacles that being the keeper of your own time forces you to be.

Last week I was mad most of the week. I was jealous some of the week and just worn out the rest of the week.

First lets address mad. I was mad because I found myself working for days on something I wasn't getting paid for and it was my fault. So I was mad at myself mostly for letting this happen. Then I was mad because the customer didn't appreciate the time and energy I put into their project. Of course they didn't know but that didn't keep me from being mad about it.

So then I was jealous. I was jealous that my partner is working four days a week on big jobs and I am working six on really small jobs. This isn't a revelation and has been going on for over a year. I felt under appreciated.

I took two days off last week even with the deadlines looming over me. Sunday we drove to a place the rescues wild horses and other various farm animals from slaughter. I saw it on a Meet-up email and decided I needed to go.

It was an hour and a half away and we got there just when they were feeding the horses. When I touched the horse I was overwhelmed with emotion for a moment. Looking into her eyes there seem to be a lot sadness there. That was it a brief encounter with one horse and we got in the car and drove back.

Having two days off and a little road trip quelled my mood this week. I got over myself and faced my daily task like a big girl.

This week I appreciate my own work and learned once again not to get sucked into doing work that I am not getting paid for. I am a people pleaser at the core and although I feel I have out grown that for the most part being in sales I get tested every day. It is a fine line between customer service and working for free.

As far as my partner goes we will work this out. The small jobs keep the business going between the big jobs and are working towards a plan so we get equal pay. The truth is I like the small jobs. I get to meet people and get in an out quickly. I am just adjusting to volume of juggling so many at the same time. A really good thing.

I get stressed when I feel like I am not meeting the expectations of my customers. Of course these are my expectations that I assume they have. I can't read their minds so I don't really know. I always do my best and have to accept the outcome.

Believing that I will always be taken care of even if I can't see how is how I have made it this far. Letting go of the outcome is my lesson in this life. I am happy this is all just normal stuff I am dealing with and happy that I am not where I was a year ago.