Once a friend ask me if I expected to be happy all the time. I had to think about this question. The answer was yes I did expect to be happy all the time. I was trying to achieve the un-achievable a consistent level of happiness.
If I made the right choices then I could reach this goal. If I didn't then I must have a made a mistake and I must try harder.
How crazy is that? If I am a good little girl then I will be rewarded if I am not then I will be punished.
I realize this is how I have been judging myself. If things are going wrong then it is my fault and I am being punished.
This is what I have learned through this last valley of darkness. Life is just life and has its ups and downs. Everything isn't due to my actions or inaction's. I am not the center of the universe.
In my family it was all about consequences for your own actions. I carried that with me and when I got to the program I zeroed in on take responsibility for your own life part. I took that to the extreme as I do everything.
I have found peace again. I have come to terms with the idea that I am not totally responsible for everything that has led me to where I am today. In the big picture where our lives intertwine others I am participating in the lessons other people are learning. I might just be the fall out of someone elses lesson just because I am a part of their life.
If we pay attention we learn from everything that happens to us. I don't have to blame myself for every outcome. I can do my best to keep my side of the street clean and that is all that is my responsibility.
I have been viewing my life from above these days. Detaching from outcomes and trusting that life will unfold just as it should. Once again God doesn't need my meddling. When I can get past my grasping and fears that I have really screwed up my life. I can see that I have everything I need in this moment.
I enjoyed reading this. It has made me realize that the constant state of happiness I have tried to achieve is not realistic. I have worked tirelessly towards it and get frustrated when things don't happen how I want them to.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad to hear you are feeling better and coming out the other side. Pain is a place where we get to go deep within ourselves, deeper than we would if there were no pain, and we learn more about our spirituality. Pain is a part of life. Suffering is optional. Sounds like you got in touch with some truths.
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