I woke up this morning sad. I can't seem to get past this issue with my friend and this morning I realized that it is my own need to be liked that is at the heart of the situation. I am mostly not a people pleaser and most of my friends would agree. I know that it hurts because this friend had high regards for me. She was my biggest fan with my work. She always boosted me up and told me how great my designs were and she understood what goes on in this industry. The child in me really liked that.
It was great having that kind of support and now she is gone. So it is about me once again. It is about a pattern I have for people thinking I am great and then somehow I fall from grace.
Just like my ex's it feels as if I have done something to deserve being left. I want to fix it I want to explain how wrong she is for whatever she is thinking about me. Since I really don't know what she is thinking.
The lesson is that I have to be my own cheerleader once again. I can't let someone not liking me make me doubt myself. I always do my best and if I make a mistake I admit it. In this case the crime does not justify the punishment.
The pain I have felt over this is probably because I am reliving being left without any real explanation. This life on a pedestal can be tricky. You didn't put yourself there and when you get knocked off it doesn't have anything to do with you. The incident is usually to justify cutting you out of their lives for whatever reason.
My friend is going through a tough time and like me she is more comfortable handling everything on her own. It makes her feel weak to reach out or have support. The program taught me that I was never alone unless I wanted to be.
My friends in the program are always neutral without too many compliments or digs. But in the end you don't get the rug pulled out from under you.
I think my analytical mind can finally let this go now since I have found out what this is really about for me.
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