Voyeur - Who is making the decisions?

My job gives me the opportunity to look into the lives of people when they are making decision about money.  The dynamics of couples can be so different either they share the decisions equally or sometimes one person pretends to let the other person have their way until the last minute and sometimes it is clear from the beginning who is in control.

I have to admit that often it is during these moments that I am happy to not be in a relationship. In my own marriage before the program I was secretly the dictator (maybe not so secretly). I thought I made better decision and it was my responsibility whip my husband into shape or as I would like to say have him meet his potential.

To me he was always a work in progress.  I can see the arrogance in that now.  In my defense I thought that was what a good wife would do for her husband.  I could see so clearly where he was going wrong and I was more than willing to point him in the right direction. This kept me from looking at myself.

I learned early in my life how to manage people and then I made a career of it quite literally. I was really good at it and it never occurred to me that it was manipulation and not everyone wanted to be managed. It was just a survival technique that I thought was an asset even after I didn't need it anymore.

What I didn't know about manipulating or managing people was that it takes a lot out of you.  When things go right you are on top of the world and when they go wrong you feel somehow responsible. It is a false sense of power that increases with every success but when you fail you can end up in the pits.

I lost and gained everything when my marriage ended. I had to start to see my part in this sad story. My controlling ways didn't cause the marriage to end but it didn't help either.

I did love again and it gave me the chance to be a different person. To treat my partner as an equal it was good for more than a decade and I learned a lot.  It did end but only after it had run its course. We both wanted more I just wasn't the one who made the break.

I don't think at this point that being in a relationship is better or worse than being alone. It has been for me about the same.  I was depressed for a long time but that didn't have anything to do with the breakup. It had to do with coming to terms with the fact no one was going to rescue me from my fears. In my case it was the fear of not being enough and being rejected brought that to the surface. I had to see that even with nobody I was enough.

I am sure I will love again if the right person comes along.  I think for the first time in my life I wouldn't be bringing much baggage along and I am not interested managing anyone.  I also not interested in being managed. I hope that that kind of relationship exist.  For now I will just be a voyeur in the lives of others.