Black clouds and parades

I wrote a post yesterday that made my already bad mood even worse so at the end of it I decided not to post it. It all started last week when I got the news that someone I am close to at work is leaving. It wasn't a surprise they have been dragging a black cloud along with them for months now. Directing all their life problems toward their job and the business.

I have watched this for awhile and tried my best to share what I have learned about looking outside of myself for blame. I know I can't really change anyone and only when they are ready if ever they will see who is really causing them pain.  It is a loss for me personally and professionally but who knows I might be happier not having someone rain on my parade every day.

That was the beginning of the week and by yesterday after six working days in a row I was tired. This always comes as a surprise to me that I need a recharge day. I always have so much hope for my days off and all the things I can accomplish only when they arrive I am uninterested in doing anything.  I look around the house and see all that needs to be accomplish but I do nothing.

This makes me feel bad about my lack of interest in my personal life. I think back to a time when my life was so busy and I had so many friends that I was flying high. Of course that led to my ultimate crash and a long road of recovery. I was busy because I was afraid that if I stopped scheduling every minute that all the emotions I buried would come to the top.

I was right to be afraid because as you know I checked out. I am starting over now and I don't know exactly where I fit in anymore and this scares me. Only about once a week when I am alone and uninspired and and I realize the number of people I can reach out to has dwindled to almost nothing. Whose fault is this I ask myself . This leads to blame and reviewing all the bad decisions I have made that led me to today where I don't want to be.

Luckily yesterday I decided to get dressed and get out. I called someone and they were available for dinner and a visit. My head is not always a good place to go especially when I am tired and feeling lonely. We had a nice visit and she said what I needed to hear that I need to get out an meet people more like me.

I am not sure how to go about doing that especially with my hours but I have to do something. I am going to take a Zumba class offered locally by the school system. That will be interesting.  I did decide I need to do something that is more physical than mental. Mindless fun that is what I am looking for right now.

I hasn't helped my mood that it has be raining here non-stop even as I write this it is pouring and I can hear cracks of thunder. Everything is mushy, wet and moldy. Yuck.

I woke up today feeling better and dreaming about getting my life in order. I did a few drawings of my own kitchen makeover. I wrote list of what I want to do and how much it will cost. I also drew some sketches of some place else I would like to live. An urban structure small easy to maintain with an adjacent studio space and store front. This is an on going dream of mine.

So today I am dreaming a scheming which tells me I have bounced back from where I was yesterday. Tomorrow I will be back to work and no time to think at all.