Today is a milestone birthday for me which always gives me a lot to think about. I spent the day yesterday shopping with a friend and having a celebration meal. Today I am working in my studio and just thinking about where I have been and where I might like to go.
A year ago I started drawing again I love portrait drawing but I never really felt good enough. I have always wanted to focus on art but never got much courage along the way. A few years ago I was thinking of taking an out of town class as a birthday gift and I sent some of my work and the response was "at least you will be starting from scratch".
The world is a hard place and people are the same kids you knew in school in larger bodies. Insecure and wanting to make sure that no one gets ahead of them. To succeed means someone else must fail.
I have been a child most of my life not knowing the trauma of my childhood left me with survival tools that once past the initial trauma left me with a distorted since of life.
I became super sensitive to everything around me reading the mood of the room and the players around me. I had been hurt and the child inside was trying to make sure I was prepared for the next blow. I was constantly on guard. This saved me as I became an adult.
The problem for me is that I blamed myself for these things that happened to me. A child always thinks they are the center of the problem because they are children. Like I child I tried to be better more accommodating more attractive. I knew what you wanted before you even asked for it. I made other peoples lives run smoothly while staying invisible as much as possible. I did not want to be a target.
I have been drawing the people in my life that I feel like I need to forgive or at least see if I need to forgive. You can't stare a face and draw every inch of it over and over without finally letting go.
I also draw myself on Sunday's because I need to forgive myself. I use a mirror because live practice is the best practice. I am always surprised when I think I have gotten the likeness right and I come back later and it isn't right. Distortion this is what we do in this life.
We see things the way we have to see them to survive and then when we are ready the truth is revealed. Can we forgive ourselves for living in denial for so long?
I have worked so hard to prevent pain and suffering from happening to me. I thought if I could be good enough - spiritual enough - kind enough that I could prevent this. When more trauma happened I turned on myself and decided I was just unlovable and even repelled the people who were suppose to love me.
What I know now is that the survival skills that saved me in childhood kept me in a world of defense most of my life. I braced myself for every possible incoming pain and never just relaxed and enjoyed the life I had. I was trying to make sure my life stayed perfect and I stayed at arm length we people and picked people that did the same.
This year I have come to the end of my attachment to the past. The EMDR along with talking and drawing therapy his rid me of the rut of blaming others and blaming myself for what I have endured.
It has smoothed over the ruts created over the years. The places my mind wants to go when I am sad or lonely. Well worn stories of love lost and the painful feelings of abandonment. I was abandoned by my family when I needed them the most. I became a person that survived with the tools I found along the way.
I attached myself to people who were like me with their own tools survival. Nothing healthy or lasting just sharing the pain together until it didn't work anymore.
I want to be free to live and enjoy my life without trying to solve the puzzle of me. It has been a worthwhile pursuit and obviously I had to do it to get to where I am and I hope I have helped others along the way but now I just want to enjoy the day and live in acceptance of what is now. I am grateful for the journey.
