Tools for survival - Finding solutions to emotional pain

Today is a milestone birthday for me which always gives me a lot to think about. I spent the day yesterday shopping with a friend and having a celebration meal. Today I am working in my studio and just thinking about where I have been and where I might like to go.

A year ago I started drawing again I love portrait drawing but I never really felt good enough. I have always wanted to focus on art but never got much courage along the way. A few years ago I was thinking of taking an out of town class as a birthday gift and I sent some of my work and the response was "at least you will be starting from scratch".

The world is a hard place and people are the same kids you knew in school in larger bodies. Insecure and wanting to make sure that no one gets ahead of them. To succeed means someone else must fail.

I have been a child most of my life not knowing the trauma of my childhood left me with survival tools that once past the initial trauma left me with a distorted since of life. 

I became super sensitive to everything around me reading the mood of the room and the players around me. I had been hurt and the child inside was trying to make sure I was prepared for the next blow. I was constantly on guard. This saved me as I became an adult. 

The problem for me is that I blamed myself for these things that happened to me. A child always thinks they are the center of the problem because they are children. Like I child I tried to be better more accommodating more attractive. I knew what you wanted before you even asked for it. I made other peoples lives run smoothly while staying invisible as much as possible. I did not want to be a target.

I have been drawing the people in my life that I feel like I need to forgive or at least see if I need to forgive. You can't stare a face and draw every inch of it over and over without finally letting go. 

I also draw myself on Sunday's because I need to forgive myself. I use a mirror because live practice is the best practice.  I am always surprised when I think I have gotten the likeness right and I come back later and it isn't right. Distortion this is what we do in this life.

We see things the way we have to see them to survive and then when we are ready the truth is revealed. Can we forgive ourselves for living in denial for so long? 

I have worked so hard to prevent pain and suffering from happening to me.  I thought if I could be good enough - spiritual enough - kind enough that I could prevent this. When more trauma happened I turned on myself and decided I was just unlovable and even repelled the people who were suppose to love me.

What I know now is that the survival skills that saved me in childhood kept me in a world of defense most of my life. I braced myself for every possible incoming pain and never just relaxed and enjoyed the life I had. I was trying to make sure my life stayed perfect and I stayed at arm length we people and picked people that did the same.

This year I have come to the end of my attachment to the past. The EMDR along with talking and drawing therapy his rid me of the rut of blaming others and blaming myself for what I have endured.

It has smoothed over the ruts created over the years. The places my mind wants to go when I am sad or lonely. Well worn stories of love lost and the painful feelings of abandonment. I was abandoned by my family when I needed them the most. I became a person that survived with the tools I found along the way.

I attached myself to people who were like me with their own tools  survival. Nothing healthy or lasting just sharing the pain together until it didn't work anymore. 

I want to be free to live and enjoy my life without trying to solve the puzzle of me. It has been a worthwhile pursuit and obviously I had to do it to get to where I am and I hope I have helped others along the way but now I just want to enjoy the day and live in acceptance of what is now. I am grateful for the journey. 

Finding Peace - Energy - Letting Go

I saw a video explaining one persons version of how energy works between people and how when you let go of someone suddenly you get a call.  This has happened to me so many times especially with the intense addictive relationships where as long as I was grasping they were running.  Sometimes even the day I felt like I truly let go I would get that long desired call.

Depending on my spiritual maturity at that time I would move on or start grasping again. The videos explanation was that we are like energetic magnets and when we are incomplete without someone or something our wanting actually repels the very person or thing we want.  

This spoke to me on some many levels of attraction. How if you just think of someone without the "I wish they would call me" and you stay neutral then suddenly they call. I can also relate that to customers if I really like someone and I can't wait to work with them they seem to disappear maybe my neediness is driving them away. This has happened so many times.

I have been making a lot of progress in my counseling sessions even though you would think at this age I have addressed it all.  I feel a freedom that I have have never felt before really ever. I attribute this to the use of EMDR and also my willingness to really to see my misguided (immature)  thinking and "let go" the theme of the blog.

I have spent my life wanting things to be different than they have been and then blaming myself for causing these things to happen. Then I stayed mad I myself for not just moving on and accepting that this is how it is. The brain I was given is constantly striving for improvement and working towards a goal.  This is great for getting things done but not for just accepting that somethings happen to us that is totally out of our control and not our fault. I want to be in charge.

I have ended up just isolating thinking I was the problem and didn't trust myself to not make another mistake. The immature side of me really believed I could out smart pain and loss. Sadly I am human and have to live the life of ever human before me and wasting what time I have left trying to solve the unsolvable it crazy. 

I will never measure up to the version I have of myself or the version of my future all I have is today and even that is not completely reliable. Life is random and we can never be prepared for what lays before us good or bad. What I have found for myself is to just think about the possibility of joy today. In my mind I also imagine feeling joy in the future what ever that looks like for me. 

Right now I am heading towards creativity and enjoying today without grasping or feeling like I am coming up short by not meeting my own expectations. I do have big fussy goals for a life that feels joyful. Despite what comes I will be able to feel joy even if it is just the small things. I will be okay no matter what I can find the place inside where I feel peace.

I will accept that even when things seem scary or out of control that all I can do to help things is to maintain a place of peace within. I will not add to the energy of fear or hate that will only give it more power.  

Grief - It is part of life - Letting go

I feel like I have been grieving for the past few months.  Maybe due to the holidays or the weather or work slowing down for the holidays.  I don't really know what triggered it but I haven't felt like doing anything and have spent a lot of time doing nothing but watching TV.

The last two weeks I have felt a kind of a shift an opening up of my mind and my heart. The flow that I live in most of the time resuming and a this period of mourning ending. That is what I am doing I realize I am mourning the life that I will not have.

I went to a memorial yesterday that was packed - virtually no mask - what can I say?  A few lone wolves like myself mulling around.  We might as well had the mark of the beast on our foreheads the service being held in a fundamentalist church. If you wear a mask you don't trust God.

I get this because I was raised in a church like this and I really have no animosity towards these people because they are my people even if I don't blindly follow their beliefs. When they played a couple of praise and worship songs tears came to my eyes. 

I guess my point is that their heart is in the right place just like every other religion.  The core is truth, love and kindness but when humans are involved with our egos in charge we distort everything.  We want to feel we are special and part of an elite group of people chosen by God. This makes of secure and able to get up every morning and face the day.

We are all special and no life is worth more than another. We have to see that everyone is struggling especially now and deserve respect no matter where they are in life.  This of course is hard in practice because it is painful to see people suffer from their mistakes over and over again. We all can only be where we are in life right now.

I have suffered from my own mistakes.  Some of the things that happened to me I had no control over but I still felt somehow responsible. I thought I was damaged somehow and this is why these things were happening to me. If I hadn't raised myself I would have been told that this is just what life is like and it isn't anyone's fault. Life can really suck sometimes.

Final note my ex came into the showroom with parents in tow this week. 12 years have passed and there they were. I was on the floor and was blindsided I turnaround and went and got another designer.  She told me she couldn't wait on them because she was leaving. I went to my office and collected myself and headed back out. 

As you can imagine this brought up a lot feelings.  It was all business and went pretty well under the circumstances. A God thing I felt just to show me how far I have come. 

I am ready to move on to a new phase of my life. Seeing all the pictures at service with a huge family that love each other showed me that I was grieving and it is okay to do that. If my mother had lived I would have had some version of that family up on the screen but instead I got different life. My life has been mostly good but different than I imagined it would be.  No life is perfect and pictures represent only the best moments of any life at a memorial service.  

Grief is an act of letting go of the people we have loved and the sometimes the dreams we have had for our lives. We all do our best even if it isn't good enough and we make mistakes. We have to grieve our losses and move on.   

Dark night of the soul - starting again - who am I now? exhausted

I wrote a post yesterday that didn't make the cut so here I am today.  I listened to a message today that I felt brought up some things for me.  It was really about suffering and the growth that occurs during suffering.  When I had my "dark night of the soul" a glamorous way of describing an emotional breakdown I had to decide where to go from there.

I wish I could describe the freedom I felt when I finally let go of the outcome of my situation and accepted my state of mind. I was trying so hard to not feel bad and trying to be the person I was before that I was exhausted day and night. I was barely operating and I was amazed the not too many people really noticed or maybe they did by mostly avoiding me.

When something rocks your world for me it was the loss of the life I thought I would have it can be too much. It manifests itself spiritually, physically and emotionally. It is a deep sadness that goes beyond emotion to the point of feeling nothing. 

The coping skills I used in the past didn't work anymore.  I couldn't be busy enough, work harder or even use the spiritual search to get through it this time. It terrified me and in the morning I would look in the mirror and did not recognize the person staring back at me.

I thought I was unique in this experience but this is a story of many spiritual seekers the absence of faith and what to do with this emptiness. The desperate need to be rescued when you are at your bottom and you feel abandoned by everything that feels familiar. Where are you God?

I didn't really have the strength to believe in anything. I had to just let go and quit trying or believing and I had to quit running. I remember the day it happened to me a calmness came over me. I surrendered to who I had become in that moment. I thought "okay this is who you are now so just accept it" I immediately felt relief from trying to fix myself. I started just walking through each day without expectation.

It was a long walk and it changed me forever. I am not the person I was before because I can see that all the things that I thought were important don't really matter. When I had dinner with my neighbor it made me realize I am no longer interested in seeking anything but peace. I am not looking for the for the meaning of life. 

All I could think was "I use to be that person but she is gone" I don't miss her because I know it was me that was seeking something more than those things and I have found that for myself. What doesn't kill you will make you stronger and happier if you let it. I had to stop trying not to feel bad it was the resisting that really hurt.  

The mind gets locked into "I don't want to feel this way" I rejected every part of my life during my dark night of the soul. I didn't take care of myself while I was resisting. When I let go I slowly came back to life and started to love and take of myself. I am changed forever and find it hard to relate to the things people worry about today but I know I am complete and whole from my experience. 

If you feel like you are alone in your sadness and suffering don't give up hope. It is in the struggle to remain the person you were before that drives the suffering. It is the running that drives addiction of all kinds. We have to stop running and turnaround and face the enemy in our thoughts. 

We have to face the false beliefs we have about ourselves and see them for what they are lies we have been listening to all our lives. It is our belief in these lies that keep us stuck and once we are stuck our minds just wants to go there. To a place that is familiar a suffering that is familiar. The thought that "I am broken and can't be fixed" this is where we feel the most comfortable. We can choose to be the past or we can choose to start again this moment and be who we want to be. 

Ignoring hidden problems - Moths every where

I have written three post but wasn't committed enough to post them.  I have felt a little unsettled for the past few weeks. I am working around the house today eradicating a growing nest of moths from an Asian rug I purchased a few years back.  I is hot and humid here and wool isn't something we have around much and this is why.

I have had this problem on and off for years and I have done everything to stop this from getting out of control. I lost the battle this year maybe because I am not willing to douse my rugs with pesticide for my sake.  Today I drug my 10 x 7 rug out on the driveway to survey the extensive damage. The colors are still vibrant but it has got to go.

I bought a synthetic cheap rug to replace it today.No insect is interested in plastic.  It was under a rustic driftwood dining table I haggled for. I can't just leave it bare it makes the room feel cold. I paid a decent price for the used Asian rug and it might end up in the basement doused with pesticide.

It did occur to me that maybe the funk I am feeling is just like that rug infestation. It has gone ignored for awhile doing unseen damage evidenced only by the occasional small harmless moth. Waiting until seeing moths in every room and being forced to face the destruction. This is how I live my life pushing things down until I just can't ignore it any longer.  

I have been happily slammed for the past year glad to be distracted emotionally from the reality of what is going on in the world. When I finally took off for a week I replaced work with my to do list for my personal life. Since I have been back to work I am feeling less comfortable with the pace of things and wanting more for my life. 

When I feel like this I can't help but think about the past and the people that are no longer in my life. I can't change the events of the past that led me to where I am today. I can't change the past but I can decide not to let it eat at me. I have been hurt and I have hurt people.

It is time to go back again and forgive the past my part and the part of others. We will always have those memories and from time to time we will wish for a different outcome. This is normal and every time this happens we have an opportunity to heal these hurts.

Each time these hurts surface we can see where we are in our process of forgiveness. We can once again let it go and know we have done our best even when sometimes it wasn't good enough.  We can be kind to ourselves and appreciate the progress we have made. 

It doesn't matter how long it takes or if we wait until we have a house full of moths we always do our best.  You notice  I am still not ready to get rid of that rug all together.   

Triggers from the past - I don't belong anymore

I am off today and sometimes struggle with whether I should work or not.  This only happens on the Mondays I am off and never when I am off Saturday and Sunday.  It rained all weekend and I was in a funk yesterday feeling trapped inside instead of working in the yard which is my favorite thing this time of year.  When I don't have specific plans I feel like I could be working. 

I had a little bit of an emotional trigger with that came up while I was working through an old Sudoku puzzle book. I found it mixed in with my travel books and decided to see if I could still do them.   

The book starts out light and easy then moderate and then demanding.  The past few weeks I have been proud of myself for bringing my brain up to speed so quickly and was looking forward tackling the demanding.  When I turned the page they had been filled out. The first couple completely and the the next two with tiny little numbers in each box. It was my ex's hand writing so tiny and distinct. I forgot when we traveled we shared these books. Back then I didn't believe I was smart enough to do the demanding one. 

I was surprised by the feelings that washed over me when I saw that tiny print. The next day I made things worse because I had an appointment near my old house and I couldn't resist a a drive by.  I was happy that I felt nothing being there it is no longer my part of town and the yard and house looked a bit neglected. I am not there to take care of those things.  

That night I pulled out the book and erased the ones that had been filled out but not completed. I know now I can complete the puzzles on my own. It is funny how things can trigger emotions from the past and for me I have learned just to lean into it instead of resisting the feelings, This will make them pass quicker. 

My life is not the life I had imagined I would have so many years ago. I am happy with the life I have created for myself even if occasionally I wander back into the past. It is normal to do that it is only when you think you could have done something to change it that gets you into trouble. Everything is always changing and it is when we resist we get in trouble. 

I have finished two demanding puzzles and I am moving on. I did actually go out today and buy and plant some more flowers. Work will be there tomorrow waiting for me. 

Enjoying spring - Wishing things were different

I have spent this we doing what I want to do which is plant and plant some more.  I have planted about 75 flowers in my front yard they don't look like much but, in about a month they will be spectacular.  I of course will be back in work mode and probably won't notice.

It feels great to be just doing what I want for a week.  I normally take my precious time off traveling to see my family who can hardly fit me into their busy schedules. My sisters kids are older now and sometimes they take some time with me and that feels good. 

In our family we are about getting things done. For my sister it is cerebral more than physical and for me it is both. It seesaws to the extreme one way or the other and I find physical jobs rewarding because you can really do both at the same time.  

Unfortunately as I get older and happier I feel less interested and making a trip in hopes that someone will spend a few hours with me. I think I have healed the hole in me that felt like I should belong somewhere with someone.  They are my family.

I have found that you can be in a crowd or in a relationship and feel completely alone so what is the difference. My friend from grammar school who I talk to once every couple of weeks ask me if I had spoken to anyone this week. This is her way of worrying about me and my solitude. I have always enjoyed my time alone but always felt guilty about not wanting to socialize. 

I have spoken to people this week in fact I went over to someone house and had dinner last night.  Someone from my early program years they were a big part of my thirties and it was a special time for all of us. Most of the core group has gone their separate ways but recently we have reconnected.  

If we continue to grow our parts don't fit together like they use to anymore. I have felt this through out my life but refused to acknowledge it. In every relationship things become routine and starts to feel forced. When I have tried to make it work and it doesn't it starts making me feel sick inside. Ultimately I am there in body only not wanting to be honest and just get out. 

I wonder why I am different than most who relish the bonds of a lifetime. Maybe I was made too independent with my mothers death. I knew I was on my own and that seemed natural. I learned to just get things done without counting on anyone else. 

The relationships I have had were only good if I fulfilled a long list of things that had to be done to make the other person happy. This was never two ways as long as I did everything right without expecting anything in return all was well. I eventually felt like what they really wanted was a servant. I did these things originally out of love but without appreciation or even acknowledgement it felt life a burden and resentment grew.

I have enjoyed this week so much and I think it is because it is without the guilt of feeling I should be different then I am. With the pandemic I have felt less guilty about enjoying my time alone. I am not asking myself why I am alone. 

I understand my family and I do wish they had more time for me but it has always been this way. I use to be a person that could pretend that things were different than they are but I had an awakening and you just can't go back. Accepting things as they are instead of the way you wish they were is spiritual maturity.  Besides I can be ignored during the holidays and the food will be better. 

  

How important is it? - Letting go - stress

I am in a better place this week even though work has been even more stressful than it was last week.  When you deal with the public it seems that you have difficult periods where you get caught up in a lot of small problems for me mostly things I cannot solve. At these times it is hard to remember the jobs that went right.

Our company does a great job of fixing whatever the problem is but not a great job of communicating what or when this is going to happen. By the time I find out about it and contact someone they have already sent someone out to take care of it.

It is way more efficient on the back side but it does cause the customer distress because they are not hearing back from anyone. It does really work out in the end. I just tell them that it will magically get taken care of if they give it a day or so. 

It is dysfunctional like a family and either you can hang with it or not. If you have got to know what is going on all the time then this is not the place to work. It isn't my responsibility to change it so I adapt the best I can. 

I am better in my old age at being flexible and not be outraged by the actions of others.  The lack of efficiency and all the time wasted re-working things in the past would have drove me nuts. When I was worked in true corporate america I worked my way up in the company so I could make changes to help make things easier fro everyone.  

My brain is solely interested in making things better whether at home, at work or even when I see problems at a store. I can't help myself but now I can just let it go knowing this is how the world works. One cashier in the garden department on a Saturday with ten people in line waiting for a manager to okay a plant on clearance. 

To be happy in this life you have to let go of everything that you have absolutely no control over.  This is the secret we don't want to accept. I can close my eyes and imagine something different but I have to accept the reality in front of me.  How important is it?  That is one of my favorite slogans from the program. It works if you work it.  That is another one. 

Is this true? A child's reality - Where did this thought come from?

 It was a hectic week and I felt pretty overwhelmed and by Thursday I was laying in bed not wanting to go to work. This only happens to me when I can't get everything done fast enough or don't know how to solve certain problems my clients. Luckily I love what I do so this is rare.  

I combat this apathy by telling myself I can come home after my floor time or after the meeting. This never happens because once I am engaged with the now instead the fears in my head it isn't so scary. It is funny that I have to trick myself to get past the fear or dread that tries to control me. 

I think of this as the little child in me who says "I don't want to go to school". I then put my big pants on and just get out there and do something.  The mind was built in our childhood the first six years we were taught all the tools we needed to interact with the world around us. 

If this wasn't a stable nurturing time, did anybody get that, our interpretation of what we were taught can be skewed pretty badly from reality. Since I have been writing about my own childhood I can see the message I received was that I was a real problem and that I needed to keep quiet. It was important that I be invisible as much as possible. 

I am sure this wasn't intentional but with my mother sick the grownups were trying to manage the situation at hand. The good news for me is that I have used that talent to stay under the radar and do what I wanted in my life mostly without asking for permission. The drawback is that no one sees just what I have accomplished. I have been conditioned to just do things for my own satisfaction and the satisfaction of the customer now.  

This trait did cost me my career in the mortgage world because I made my job look easy and they thought anyone could do it. I was let go without notice and my job given to a friend of my boss. In the end nobody could do what I had done and they had to sell the whole division.  He did make amends later by giving my name to someone that paid me a ton of money to do that same job from home. This paid for my design degree and more.

What he didn't know is that I had been there from the beginning when there was only three of us. When I left there was 70 and what I did was like breathing to me. I just came in and did my job every day without looking for a pat on the back. It never occurred to me that I needed to promote myself that would seem like bragging but in the corporate world it is necessary. I was too busy doing the work to do that.  

This event changed the course of my life and I ended up in a field doing what I love. We are pretty independent a combination of contractor and employee. It is the perfect combination for me since I am self motivated and happy to do whatever it takes to get the job done.  

I will say that finding out my mother was sick a year earlier than I thought helps me to see that I was shaped more by her illness than I thought. This isn't to wallow in the past but it helps me to understand why I think I am a burden to other people. I can know that this idea is a child's idea and not based on fact. I can see it was just fall out from the my mother's cancer and the people around her trying to cope. 

One final thing in writing here and about my past helps my brain to sort things out. I think this is the mind always working towards healing the parts that feel broken instead of pushing them down. I am always asking myself "is this thought true?" or have I been wrong about this for a long time.  

The worrier in me - Protecting myself from the negative - 4th step - being whole

I had a celebrated getting another year older this week with not much fan fare. Someone kind decorated my door at work which was totally unexpected. I am not great with other peoples birthdays and I feel guilty about that.  I was never that great and then when I went into deep depression I just let what little effort I made go. I have hosted many events at the request of others doing the cooking and decorating but I am not the one that remembers the dates.

I am a very focused person and I am always working on the task a hand and not on planning or thinking about other things. I always wished I was one of those people that had a day timer or an electronic calendar it would be really easy especially these days. I have bought so many of them and it would last maybe one day. When I was an executive I used outlook to keep up but now days I don't plan too far in advance and this works for me. 

I know some people say they are booked out a month to make their customers feel like they are privileged to work with them. This doesn't support my idea of flow and living in the present moment. 

When I was trying to out run the pain I felt inside I booked every minute of my day so I never had to face the pain I felt inside. The emptiness of all that I had lost in my life. The feeling that I was not worthy of love because I had lost so much. I felt it was my fault because I was not good enough. 

I think most people feel this from time to time but I always thought I was unique. It was a secret that kept to myself and tried to be the best person I could be hoping someone would notice me and love me. This would get rid of that gaping hole I had inside me. 

I did get noticed by other people with equal gaping holes. It was reassuring at first but we never got better together. It is good to find support and comfort each other but sometimes it keeps us stuck in the same place for a really long time. You have to find the wholeness you need from within. 

I have been writing about my past this week. A good 4th step for anyone and I have written these stories many times. With every writing over the years there is less and less pain attached to those memories. This week I felt love for the girl and women that experienced those moments. I can love her now and see that she was just doing her best. So broken and living in constant fear of making a mistake. 

I have forgiven her and see how she was just trying to survive. She made some good decisions which has brought her to where she is today.  Happy and healthy. Is it weird to talk about yourself in the third person?  I do that because she is long gone and she seems like a character in a book. I can write about her now without judgement and this makes me free. 

My aunt called me for my birthday.  She is the only one from my dad's side of the family that has kept up with me over the years. I don't keep in touch to often because her view of the world is negative even though she is a pretty happy person. The conversation is about her health and then about the violence around her. She lives in the country so this violence is only on TV.

I don't accept negative input ever from anyone. That emotion drains me and I have to protect myself. It stirs up the worrier in me.  I can't solve any of these problems so why dwell on them. I need my energy to get through the day. If the information isn't positive I can't listen. Believe me if something terrible happens that I need to know about someone will tell me. 

I am reflecting on my life this week and I feel peaceful. I do plan to make more of an effort to honor the birthdays of the people that are important to me.  I did send my sister flowers for her birthday this year so that is a start. 

 

Forgiveness in 21 days - Freedom

I heard a teacher talk about forgiveness and the brain and how saying out loud the people that you still have angst against "I forgive you ____" will set you free.  Just like everything else this starts to sink in brain after 21 days. You get another path etched in your brain just like a new habit.  I have to admit that it feels fake. It reminds me of the slogan "fake it until you make it".  It does feel like it is working.

I have three people on this list and after a couple weeks of practicing this I can actually say their names without making comments afterward. One person in particular has been hard to forgive my stepmother. The other two are just my ex's and the venom is just not there anymore.  I was an adult and they were adults and the pain has passed.

My stepmother was the adult and I was the child.  She was vicious towards me and really everybody else. Every word that came out of her mouth was hateful never a kind word for anyone even now. I think the difference for me was that I was a child and I believed ever word she said about me well into my adulthood.  I stayed that fearful child never measuring up to her standards which became my standards. This is why childhood trauma is so hard to unto for most people. The child inside is still there in some capacity and still believes the words said back then.  

I couldn't understand why she disliked so much. I tried to be perfect in every way but "I was never enough".  I thought it was me that I was not lovable and took this with me through most of my life. In every relationship I felt I was not enough. Really in the end I was not enough for myself. I had to get that thought out my system.  Since I am analytical I can list reasons why this idea is true.  This is not a good combination and can cause a loop of negativity. 

I was surprised that my Dad wasn't on this list of forgiveness. I have forgiven him mainly because after our last meeting together I realized he did not have the ability to be more than he was. After a violent childhood where an angry father beat everyone into submission my dad and most of his siblings shut down and are still that way today. They are all kind and generous but show little emotion. This is how he survived.

I always longed for him to stand up for me when I was being verbally abused by my stepmother. I thought his silence meant that he didn't love me. My mother was dead and now my daddy obviously didn't think I was worth fighting for either.  He had a new family and I was disposable. I left at sixteen because I felt unloved and my position in the family was the maid and babysitter. My cleaning was inspected like I was in the military.

I know her life was not easy and she made a bad choice at an early age and married a man who left her while she was pregnant. She has never gotten over that and the last time I saw her she was still talking about how he left her.  I am sure even though she blamed him in her heart she felt that it was her fault.. Her mother moved in with her a strict woman with high standards the divorce was a disgrace.

I have to admit that I can say her name out loud without wincing. It is truly the last hurdle the child in me has to jump to be set free. The patterns made in my brain so long ago were deep and my belief in them just deepened their truth for me. Because I believed them it made them stronger. The brain goes to what is familiar the thoughts and beliefs we have always had. We have to replace those thoughts to move on. This is why we try to escape through addition which is also a familiar pattern. 

Twenty one days seems to be the magic number to create lasting habits and in this case forgiveness. I feel lighter even if I am just half way through at this point. She always represented evil to me. A person so hurt going through life spreading  that hurt to other people. Another slogan "hurt people hurt people" she isn't any different than my own dad damaged by her childhood and rejected by someone she thought would love her forever. I surely can relate to this. 

Try forgiveness for 21 days - You know who they are when you can't say their out loud without a little pain but you will get past it.  I have been an adult a long time now physically and spiritually but this last little act of forgiveness, maybe not so little, feels good. The child in me wants to hold a grudge but trust me now to do what is best for the both of us. We are ready to forgive it will set us free. 

 

Accepting the person I am now - Freedom - Always Letting Go

I had to drive out to an island to measure a job this afternoon.  It is about an hour one way and truthfully I was looking forward to just going somewhere different for a change. You can take the faster google way and cut the time down by fifteen minute using some newly built connecting highways and bridges or you can take the old route that winds around the waterways with spectacular views of the marshes and beaches.  It was raining pretty hard so I took the speedy way up and the slow way home.

I have a lot of history with this area.  During the recession and my dark time I would go to the state park out there and walk.  If I had an appointment out there I would stop afterward and sit on the beach with my business clothes on and meditate. I remember one winter day just sitting on a rock and a couple of men came up and ask me if I was okay. They thought I should be cold but my menopause furnace was burning hot. I told them I was waiting on God. 

I have a way doing things intensely until I have had enough and moving on. I spent so much time up there and when I got better and just stopped. Places can represent a time in your life and that was not a good one for me.  I have no desire to go there and be out in nature anymore.  I have walked miles and mile in the woods and now I just want to work in my yard. 

For the trip I pulled a random CD out of and old stack I keep in the car it turned out to be the Indigo Girls live CD.  I haven't heard it in years and it made me think about the person I use to be. The songs brought back a time in my life that seems like a million years ago now. It didn't make me sad it just made me think how life is constantly changing. When you are busy and running you think your life will always be just as it is in that moment.  Nothing really stays the same so why worry. 

It seemed weird to me today that I am the happiest I have ever been with myself. I am not worrying or wanting things to be different than they are right now. I can't improve on anything and I can look back at the past without wishing things had been different. I feel at peace knowing that day to day things are going to change.  Something is always shifting whether we notice or not. 

I am not the person I was before for good or bad.  I couldn't stay the person everyone expected me to be forever.  This was hard for me to accept. I was mad at myself for a long time because that person didn't exist any longer.  I thought if I just acted like she did then I could find the person I was before. I felt like I was wearing an old heavy wet coat around. I have given myself permission to be happy and celebrate the person that I am and quit trying so hard to improve. 

I enjoyed my little road trip today more than I ever have.  It was beautiful even in the rain and I was alone and content to just listen to the music and be free. 

  

I don't deserve to belong - Thoughts that hurt me

It is amazing just what a teacher life continues to be for me.  I am getting ready to take a trip visiting friends and family.  I have been hesitant to visit my sisters after my last visit resulted in a slump that lasted a few weeks even to the point people commented on my change in mood.  Yesterday I was debating whether to go or not.

I am not sure they really want me there and I feel that I am just another person to manage.  I have spent so much of my time off there and have been disappointed with how I felt when returned home.  Should I subject myself to another one of these visits?  With this thought I got really sad yesterday.  I was thinking they really don't want me there. Then I thought "just another place I don't fit in."  Where do I belong a life long quest that has taken up so much of my life that I have let me opportunities for connection to slip by.

What I realized yesterday it isn't the idea "I don't belong" that makes me sad it is that I don't think I deserve to belong.  I have spent my life trying to find a way out of my own pain and everyone has gone on without me.  Why should they want to include me in their lives I haven't been there for them.

I got to stop right there.  This is just another self absorbed thought that can siphon away my time and energy.  This is just the kind of ideas that hold me back from just living and being content with life the way it is now. 

Everybody is just trying to find there way through life.  I have been blessed with the ability to get past myself sometimes and see clearly just how my thoughts are hurting me. My ego would like to believe that everything is about me but the truth is no one is thinking that much about me. They are too busy getting through there own problem.

I my paralyzing fear of feeling I don't deserve to be wanted. I decided to stop and meditate. This is when I could see the truth and turned it over to a power greater than myself.  I said "you have to work this out - I am out of it."

I got in my car and drove to an art store twenty minutes away.  In that time my sister called and I told her of my plan to visit weekend after next. Everyone was in the car coming back from my nephews birthday brunch.  They were really happy that I was coming but my niece was staying with her boss's kids for the weekend and thought that this coming weekend would be better if I wanted to see her. 

I had already made plans to stop at my aunts and then my friends ending at my sisters. Just in case I decided not to go at all.  I said I would see what I could do.  When I reached the store I sat there in my car and with in minutes my friend called.  I told her about my sister's request she said "no problem we were just going to hang out anyway."   My aunt calls while we are still talking and I take the call.  She says she has been sick I tell her about the change and she says "great". All in about 30 minutes.

As a sometimes self absorbed neurotic I do take responsibility to for everything.  My analytical mind can only see my own part in anything that doesn't go my way.  Yes I haven't always been there for my sister and her family but she was living in a severely dysfunctional situation and didn't really want me to know what was going on.

We have suffered all these years alone with our problems and not feeling we wanted to let each other in on our secrets.  She is 4  years older and wanted to appear to have it all together. This is how we have survived without our mother. Just suck it up and move on. This doesn't work long term.

So I got over myself and thought so what if I haven't done everything right I have done my best.  It is my own self blame that hurts me and drags back to the past.  I am good person and have done my best even if some times it wasn't good enough. 

I am happy to have this blog to gather my thoughts.  It saved my life when I started it so long ago but now it just keeps me honest about my feelings.

Order and Chaos

This is my birthday month and I gifted myself with a art workshop the past weekend.  Two full days of creating and producing are under the guidelines of a retired art professor.  The instruction given was to be loose and repetitive not really my cup of tea.  I did what I always do and just put something on paper to get me started.  As the teacher circled the room she said really nice drawing but not what I instructed.  I am new to the group and she was cautious about her direction at first. I finally said "give me direction" she said to draw the pile of bones on the table without looking at the paper.

I did it an produced a decent drawing.  My middle name is order and her middle name is chaos.  I am glad that I didn't look at her work before the workshop or I might have decided not to sign up. At the end of the first day I was tired and asking myself "do I care about doing art anymore?"

Doing art has been a part of my earliest memory.  I kindergarten we colored one day and painted the next every day they would ask us, "Did you paint or color yesterday?'  I always said, "I colored" so I could paint.  I loved the vibrant colors of the tempera paints.  In my teens I skipped my other classes to hang out in the art room telling my teacher that I had a study hall. Art was my salvation even though I never was seen a gifted by the teachers or encouraged in any way. Artist can be elitist amongst themselves it is a competitive world and insecurity runs deep just like any place else.

I feel that just like anything else the ego needs something to make it feel special.  Something to identify with " I am an __________."  This what we do not who we are and it is hard to give up if you don't want to do it anymore.  Who will I be without this label? 

When I crashed into darkness this was what I felt.  I knew I was not longer the person I use to be.  I was floating around with no identity with the people around me waiting for that person to come back.  This is a trap that makes us feel stuck in places we don't belong anymore for a really long time.  For me the change was forced on me and I felt I couldn't live without being the person I was before.

I felt I was floating out there being nothing. I knew I couldn't go back so lingered for along time in no where land. Nothing interested me for a long time.  This was so painful but I got use to it and quit fighting it and when I finally let go I felt lighter. I did the necessary things I had to do to get through the day and that was it.

We are taught that we are who people say were are or who we say we are even if it doesn't feel right anymore. Art was my salvation from those days in kindergarten.  I still love color and create everyday in my work but I don't need to be saved anymore.  I can do art because it is fun and not because I need to get the pain out. Ir isn't who I am it is just a couple days filled with art.

I loved the workshop and will do it again.  The group was very supportive of each other. It was scary at first when my own ego felt like I didn't belong there with other artist but I go over myself.

I met some interesting people and by the second day I felt refreshed and put out some nice drawings. The teacher said " I know I am intimidating but I mean well."  I said "people say the same thing about me."  I have no problem with straight shooters it is those that don't say what they mean that can blind side you.

It was good to get out of my comfort zone and I do have some ideas for art projects.  It was exhausting at first but chaos can be fun if you just let go.
  

Rejection - Truth - Letting go

I didn't realize we would be closed on Monday for the holiday.  When you are in sales you don't always get those expected holiday.  I is almost 100 today and I just came in from putting the last bag of mulch on the flower bed.  I had to stop a few times to rest or cool off and the last bag I had to drag behind me to get it out there.

I pride myself on my ability to adapt to the heat.  I can't really say I adapt well to anything else. I listened to T.D. Jakes while I was on a heat break.  He was preaching at Lakewood this morning and had a pretty powerful message.  I have to say that history is repeating itself.  My Aunt Ruby use to make fun of my grandmother for watching TV evangelist and then in her own last days that is all she wanted to do.  Now here I am doing the same thing not that it is my last days.

I have found that everything in life that is painful comes from resistance.  When you resist what is then that means you want something else instead.  No matter how hard you wish for something different you are sitting right in the middle of something you don't want.  Whether that is a job or a relationship or a even a sickness you can't change it in the moment.

Today's message was very powerful.  When you are in the dark it means there is an absence of light. Darkness isn't evil or powerful just a place where you just happen to be at the moment.  All growth starts in the darkness and only when it emerges from the ground does it even need the light.

I have had long periods of time where I just wished I was someplace else.  When I headed into the darkest of depression I wanted life itself to be over.  I could not endure not one more minute of the nothingness I felt. I thought about that time when he was speaking this morning.

I can only say it was some sort of grace that saved me. Right now I can remember sitting on the porch when something turned inside of me and a voice said "you are doing this to yourself".  I started thinking about that and wondering if that was true. I felt that I had been rejected so many times by the people that were suppose to love me that there must be something about me that made me unlovable.

This was my core belief and every thought I had about it proved me right.  I am very logical person and looked at all the facts.  I have the kind analytical brain that latched on to these facts and could only come to this one conclusion.   It had to be my fault.  A child raised in a fundamentalist home where you take responsibility for yourself and your actions this was how we thought.  You must do better next time.

I never occurred to me that in life random things happen to everybody all the time.  Even at birth you could be born just about anywhere to anybody.  Anybody can get sick and die.  I should have realized that when my own mother died.  But my child brain decided that if I worked hard and was the best person I could be I could prevent bad things from happening to me. 

Plenty of bad things happened to me from that point on but somehow I just thought I wasn't trying hard enough. This is an exhausting way to live trying to out smart unknown random stuff from happening and blaming myself when it did. 

That day on the porch I just gave up and let go.  I decided to not to blame myself and not even look for an answer to why I ended up where I did.  I rested from the responsibility of my situation and I got better slowly.  I even decided that if I was unlovable there was nothing I could do about it. I was in the darkness for a long time but eventually I got rid of the thoughts that were hurting me.

I am a happy person now and feel sad for that girl inside me that didn't know any better.  I raised myself without a mother and there were things I didn't know.  I am smart and used the spiritual knowledge of others to get where I needed to go.  In the end I had to see it was my own thoughts about myself that hurt me more than being rejected by other people.

You can't always trust you own thoughts about any situation.  For me I had see that it didn't matter whether my thoughts were true or not I had to just let them go and start loving myself.

Security and Peace - The search is over

I have spent my life trying to feel safe.  I never felt secure after I lost my mother early on and this drove me to look constantly for security.  I felt like I had lost something and I needed so desperately to find it.

When I found new love the first time I thought "this is it " this was the thing I had been missing.  I gripped it so tightly but as we all know that first love feeling doesn't last.  I was too young to know that then and blamed myself for the failure of those early relationships.  I was not good enough is what I believed. 

I searched next for a different kind of love and found my first addiction relationship. It was a fierce love and the intensity of that love made me feel safe. It was intoxicating and we were the same touching the parts of us that needed to feel safe.  Unfortunately you can't do that for someone else. It only works when the neediness is equal if there is a crisis where one person needs the other person more can bring it all crashing down. I learned in this relationship it was not safe fo me to be needy.

After experiencing that I moved on to loyalty and routine. Another broken person but not so volatile it felt safer a daily routine.  A loved and felt love for awhile and it seemed like a good bet for feeling secure.  I didn't jump in like I had all the other relationships I had been burned and wanted to try something different. It was good for long while but I still felt lonely a lot.  I definitely got the security I thought I wanted but the trade off was that I was alone in a relationship.

When I lost that relationship I turned to God and sought out very intensely the meaning of life.  Spirituality and something greater than myself had always been part of my personal beliefs but at this time I needed it to be more and it replaced that search for someone physical to satisfy me. Just like all intense relationships it didn't sustain me or make me feel safe.

When I step back and see that my life has been spent looking for something that doesn't really exist I feel somehow relieved that I can let go.  There isn't one person or even God that can give me that security the young girl in me wants so badly.  I can be free now to just enjoy everyday life and the miracles that present themselves.

Wanting all the time kept my mind busy and it me exhausted. I can now be content to just be here and be grateful.  I do still rely on the wisdom I got from having a spiritual journey and I do think that collectively those that believe in something greater than themselves are usually happier.

The world on its own isn't a loving place and being with other people that have found some peace is inspiring.  Maybe because we are positive unit a spiritual energy together.  It sounds weird but we are all connected and we can carry peace to others with just our presence every day.

Leaving home - Letting go - Flow

I had a dream a few years back that I was packing up my house.  It was disturbing to me because I didn't want to leave my home. But in the dream I could clearly see me packing my breakables from the tall shelves in my living room.  At that time it made me really sad to think that I was not staying here. The women in my family have always felt they received messages from their dreams so I did take it to heart.

During my hypnotherapy we talked about the happiest day of my life being when I left home. I was free from the dysfunction and control of my step mother and father. With my permission she used that idea during our meditation.  Saying that I was ready to leave home even to the point of having me visualize packing the things I wanted to take and walking out and closing the door behind me.  I hate to say it but I really took nothing in my visualization.

Things are moving for me spiritually, physically and financially.  I did close a few deals at work which gave me a moment to exhale and really work on my personal life.  Today I had the Restore come and pick up a truck load of furniture and building supplies.  Stuff I have been holding on to since the recession just in case I needed them. I wasn't sure where I was going and wasn't willing to let go of anything.

Sadly I did give up my Mid-Century Modern dinning table.  Really nice with two leaves.  This is the only piece that gave me pangs of regret.  It really never fit in this house and in the right space it could have the life it deserves. I used it in my studio and was afraid it would get damaged.  I also have to make space for a fancy new treadmill that I bought and it will have to go in my studio when it arrives. This is the physical change I am making I had one in there before and it broke down so I know I will use it.

I feel I have been stuck for a  long time even after the depression lifted. Life felt awkward to me without a clear direction.  I thought after the breakup I would meet someone new life would progress naturally and I would have direction. I guess instead life and my inner spirit decided I needed a long time to stew and find peace and to accept myself  "just as I am." So I have done that and feel really free today.  Like I did when I left home a million years ago.

I believe everything in life has a flow and like it or not some parts of the flow can be painful and long. It can require just sitting in the same place until acceptance happens and then miraculously stuff starts to move.  Just a little at first, so don't get your hopes up, then everything starts to fall into place. I feel I am finally moving not literally from my home but I am no longer dissatisfied with life.

I have packed up my living room stuff like the dream preparing for the kitchen remodel. So that part of the dream did come true. I decided to bless my furniture before they picked it up.  I prayed that it would find a home and give someone the comfort that it gave me when I used it.  I know it sounds crazy I think we leave our energy where every we go so it makes sense to me that our belongings carry the same energy.  That is why it is hard to let go of those family things even if they don't work.

So if you are stuck don't feel like it is forever.  You are moving forward even if it is so slow you can't see or feel it.  Things are happening inside your spirit is healing and you will be stronger when the healing is done.  Like me you may be leaving home again.  Taking charge of your own destiny instead of letting other people have power over you.  It is your life and the only one we are sure we have so don't let anyone stop you. 

Freedom - A Road Less Traveled - Emotional Abuse

Coming back from a short trip to celebrate the soon to be birth of my grand nephew I had a chance to listen to Scott Pecks "A Road Less Traveled" It is the first and most influential spiritual book I have read. It was before 12 steps for me but really started me to thinking that I could change myself.

I haven't been close to my family because I did take the road less traveled.  My sister the one that we share both parents decided it was better for her to stay connected to the family my dad created after our mother's death. She wanted her kids to have that extended family and I would have done the same if I had had children.

I made my own way and eventually my dad and I came to an understanding that he did not have the ability to love me the way I wanted him to love me. When he remarried after my mother died my stepmother was emotionally abusive. She regularly said the most hateful things to my adolescent self that has taken me a life time to get over. I decided to leave at 16 and in my eyes no one has ever made an attempt to bring me back into the family.

After being gone for five years I tried to come back by having my wedding there but she was even more abusive to me. It solidified my belief that I was not good enough for even my family. My dad was a good man but was very passive after having his own abusive father.  He wasn't able to stand up to her or really ever understand what it meant to me.  I eventually was able to accept his limitations and healed this part of me. 

My stepmother on the other hand is still living and since my nephews marriage and now baby I have had to interact with her. Until the wedding I hadn't seen her since my dad's funeral 15 years ago. The wedding weekend I felt numb. She sat next to me at every event. She hasn't changed much still criticizing her own grown daughters with their children and grandchildren.

This weekend it was less stressful for me and she sat next to me at the shower and at dinner. It made me laugh to think the person that has done the most damage my life besides my dad is sitting next me and I feel nothing. The girl in me is gone and she has no power over me anymore. She is old and really she has no idea her affect on me. It wasn't personal and she inflicted the same abuse on her own daughters. She was not enough so therefore she wants everyone that she comes across to feel they are not enough either especially those closest to her.

While listening to Scott Peck I realized just how far I have come and how I have worked hard to heal every part of my life. My stepmother was the last person from my past that had any power over me.  I am finally free.

Old Friends - Let go and let God

A man I haven't seen in over thirty years came into the store yesterday.  It is funny because I was third in line to take customers.  When I was in my 20's I went to school to get my realtor's license and met him and his wife during the crash course study program offered. The three of us ended up working for the same real estate company.

The two of them were a lot older than me and a very driven couple with identical cars and a business plan.  I became good friends with his wife and over time I realized there was something terribly wrong and she began to confide in me about the verbal and sometimes physical abuse she endured.

When he was around me he was syrupy sweet and so loving towards her to the point that it felt fake. She wanted out but with two small kids and everything tied up in the business together it would be hard.  She said he had eluded to the fact that she would never get out of the marriage alive. She certainly would never see her kids again.

She believed this because he had been in the military and had top secret clearance and worked under cover for years. He was a master of disguise so this seemed plausible to me. She said at one point before the kids were born someone had broken into there house and took nothing they could see and it was only investigated by the military. Is this true? I don't know.

Her fear and worry went on for years and I could see nothing was going to change. In my youthful ignorance I confronted him a few times telling him that I knew what was going on. The weight of this relationship took a toll on me and I had my own problems with my young drinking husband at home.

When I decided to quit pretending to be a realtor and get a real job I let our relationship drift. I knew I couldn't help her and if ask to testify I could only say that in my presence he showered her with affection. I felt helpless to do anything for her and I had to move on.

One night a few years right after my husband left I was home alone and I got this picture in my mind of her and overwhelming sadness came over me. I started crying and then I started praying like I hadn't done in a long time.  This went on for an hour until I felt a sort of peace.

A year later I heard from her out of the blue and she told me that he suddenly decided she could leave with the kids as long as she turned over her share of the business. She had gotten a divorce and permission to take the kid back to where her family lived in the north east. She was really happy.

She did move back here and we made plans about ten years ago to meet for lunch.  She was a no show and I tried calling her and she never answered. Probably God keeping me from going places I don't need to go.

When he recognized me yesterday he couldn't get away fast enough.  His business didn't really do well after they split he had some altercation at a bar that led to a lawsuit and bad publicity He looked older of course and a little shrunken. I ask about her and he said he hadn't seen her in a long time. 

I felt helpless back then not being able to see an end to what seemed like an impossible situation.  I left her and the friendship and it worked itself out.   Lately I have felt helpless again but I know now that I can't  fix someone else's problems but I can decided to do what I can and stick around.

We can turn the outcome over to a power greater than ourselves and see what happens.  If at some point it becomes too much we can still decide to move away and save ourselves.  The world won't come to an end and sometimes people are better off without you. Crushing to the ego but trues sometimes. Without support you have to really dig deep to solve you own stuff and grow.

At least that is my personal experience. 

Gratitude - Grace - Depression - Letting Go

I went to the dentist this week and my dental hygienist told me about a friend that was severely depressed.  She recently divorced and lost her design business.  She said she doesn't talk to anyone and has tried unsuccessfully to kill herself.  Mostly she just sits and stares. She is on anti-depressants and they seem to be making her worse. 

I shared my story and my recovery explaining that I felt that my own break began with the shock of several things happening at the same time.  The ending of a 13 year relationship, having to move and then the recession making my own business virtually disappear.  The trauma sent m instantly into menopause and hyper-thyroidism I couldn't functions.  I thought about ending my own life mostly because I didn't think I could live another day without any emotions. 

I didn't consider anti depressants I did consider hormones but my mind was so convinced that we could work through this like we had always done.  That it was just grief and it would pass.  It was painful to be around other people and it was painful for them to be around me.  Someone actually told me that at one point. I couldn't be around anyone that needed or expected anything from me.  I couldn't be cheered up I was past that point.

During that time all I wanted to do is be outside.  I couldn't sleep and I couldn't eat it is a miracle that I was able to find my way out of this blackness. I had no interest in anything.  I once went to an antique mall with a friend and I couldn't even look around. I felt so disconnected that I told her I was going to sit outside and wait for her.  It didn't matter where I was or what I was doing.  I wasn't sad I was void of any emotions. She said she couldn't see me anymore.  I thought "I wish I couldn't see me anymore".  I didn't blame her.

Looking back I can see that there was a lot different things going on. Some were definitely spiritual and emotional.  I didn't take the medical route because I didn't have insurance that would cover a bunch of tests or prescriptions. The one person that was able to hang with me did finally buy me some over the counter progesterone.  Amazingly it helped just enough to give me hope of something better.

I had many spiritual breakthroughs about the lack of love I had for myself.  How everything I had done before was done to meet the needs of others so they would love me and they did until they didn't anymore. I did stop doing for others and it confirmed my worse fears most everyone disappeared. So it was true I wasn't worthy of love just being myself wasn't enough. 

How bleak is that?  I didn't know where to go I had already exhausted every spiritual route.  I did have a breakthrough on the porch one day. I felt like I heard "you're doing this to yourself"  You could also say this was me blaming me again. Was it really that simple?  Maybe.

Of course it wasn't that simple but at least it was a start.  I knew I couldn't trust the thoughts I was having as reality.  I did decide that day to just accept who I had become and move on.  This was evidently the new me and I had to live with it.  The search to find the person I lost was so exhausting my mind was constantly looking for a solution. This kept me stuck and kept me from healing.

I started to rest where I was and things started to get better.  Over the years some parts of me have come back and others have not. I don't mind.  I am grateful that I have made it through to the other side stronger than I ever was. 

If you have read my blog before you have heard this story before but I felt it needed to be told again. I have been pretty happy lately and had forgotten where I was until I heard about the pain of another. 

I wanted to get the woman's number but that wasn't possible under the circumstances. I wanted to say "tell her to stop listening to her mind it might be lying to her" but I didn't.  I did offer the progesterone over the counter recommendation.  I will keep her in my thoughts and prayers. 

When your mind turns against you and you believe the distorted truth it is hard to break free.  I feel that it was grace and my ability to finally let go that saved my life. I know now that I am loved by my creator the one that lives inside of me and that is enough.