Trailer - Boundaries - Happily Ever After

I drove by a trailer park where I once lived today.  It was so weird to see it there about ten trailers tucked between some pretty swanky houses on a major road.  Trailer park living isn't always like the reality TV would like you to believe.  At the time I had moved from an efficiency apartment on the beach to a 12 x 60 trailer and I loved it.

I was single and had my own washer and dryer and some seriously great conditioning. The keepers of the park lived next door and kept up with the comings and goings of guest especially overnight guest. Let us just say my roommate was a friendly girl whose real boyfriend was working on the Alaskan pipeline. He was out of site and out of mind.

I did have my own guest but little did I know he would soon be my husband.  My roommate actually tried to befriend him when I was late getting home one night.  She didn't believe in boundaries of any kind and was usually three sheets to the wind by supper time. I didn't hold her friendly ways against her because she had introduced the two of us. Luckily he wasn't three sheets to the wind or I probably wouldn't be writing this blog.

I always had a soft spot for those with additions. In my experience they seemed so real like my boundary free roommate.  It an openness that I knew I would never have. It was the boundless excitement about life that was appealing to me back in those days.

I lived in fear of the unknown and my soon to be husband and her seemed like they were living life to the fullest. If I could just stay close to them maybe some of that recklessness would rub off on me. It never rubbed off in fact after we werer married and I appointed myself the keepe of all things I was terrified all the time. Where was he? What was he doing?  Is he laying in a ditch somewhere?

The relationships brought to the surface every insecurity I had because I didn't want anything to happen to him he was my whole life.  So here I am here writing an Al-Anon blog.

What I do know now is we are all the same the addicted and the ones that love the addicted. We all are insecure about life some people drink because it makes them feel less insecure and more normal. Some people like me involve themselves in the lives of others so they don't have to face those insecurities. A life of distraction either way. One more acceptable than another one more physically destructive than another.

What the program did for me was it gave me a plan. It made me face those insecurities one by one and see that life is not as scary as my mind has made it to be. I also know now that I am not alone in my thinking and that every one feels this way sometimes they just find ways to deal with it in a healthier way.

I am different now than I was way back then. I still feel lost and insecure sometimes but I know that it is normal depending on the circumstance. I do still like a good distraction and for me this past nine months it has been learning a new job and now that I feel settled I am restless and looking for a new distraction.

It was strange taking a trip down memory lane today.  I will offer you a little update on my roommate. At the end of that summer her real boyfriend came back from Alaska and offered to buy her a new car if she would go back to his home state with him.  She said yes and they drove off into the sunset and lived happily ever after.  That is my story and I am sticking to it.

Boundaries and Cookies

It is really cold here today and windy. We don't have the best heat here in the south so it feels especially cold and the wind is actually howling. We are pretty wussy down here if it drops below 60 and tonight it will be in the 20's. We make up for it by enduring the sweltering summer heat and 100% humidity with little complaining, OK maybe more than just a little. I put some of my plants in the garage but decided the ones on the lower deck are on their own.

I am taking care of my neighbors dogs this week while they are on a trip. They seem to travel a lot even with two year old twins and a 5 year old. They are of hardy stock and pretty organized. Somebody in the family has a timeshare that they regularly go to. They use to call me at the last minute until one time I said I couldn't handle nine days. Since then they give me more notice.

I have trouble with boundaries and so do they. When I first moved in his dad was really sick and they had to leave suddenly so I volunteered. Then it became a pretty regular thing and an assumption was made that I would always be available. I really didn't mind until I was already over loaded and I got that call. I didn't answer right away, I felt ugh in my stomach, I was already overbooked and running from yet another bout of grief and or depression so I compromised and said to find someone else for the weekends. So they did and now they give me more notice.

This time it is different and I feel great. I stopped running so fast and let whatever grief or depression that was left catch up with me in August, to my surprise it didn't kill me. It held me down for a few weeks and stomped on me but then I got up and brushed myself off and said "is that all you got?" and went on to sort out the mess I had made while running. I started slowing addressing those things I had ignored while being under water emotionally.

I actually love those dogs. They are a sharp contrast from my own blind and deaf dog. I love her even though she only acknowledges me at meal time. At 18 that is pretty good. When we moved here three years ago she was like a new dog. I think she was relieved to get away from a stressful situation or maybe that was me. She is a tough dog and still fights me when I give her a bath. I can hear her in there snoring now.

Life is good today. I temporarily repaired the water bed so I can sleep in my cocoon during these cold nights. I ran four miles on the treadmill and then went to a friends house for dinner and ate six miles worth of cookies and now I am home in my not so toasty house. All is well.