Bad dreams - Staying on the path to peace

The other night I realized I was dreaming. I woke myself up sobbing in my sleep. I didn't really remember why I was sobbing but it seemed like a deep sadness.

My life is stressful not in the oh my God I got so much to do way but more in the oh my God what is going to happen to me way? How am I going to survive? I know no matter how I seem in the waking world my inner world isn't buying it.

I use to create a lot of stress for myself by overbooking and being all dramatic about my to do list. Then I realized it was my list and if I wanted to have less stress I could put less on the list. I figured out that being so booked made me feel important and more valuable to myself and others.

Today I live a pretty simple life and float above the chaos that was once part of my own existence. Everything use to go on the really important list. Everything was life or death for me. It created the drama that I had become accustomed to from childhood it felt like home.

Over time I have found that not many things fall into that category for me anymore. I enjoy living this way until someone tells me what I should be doing or I look around and everyone seems so busy doing nothing. I panic momentarily and my trust in God goes out the window. I have nightmares in my sleep I am terrified that I have let go and something bad will happen if I don't take the control back.

It doesn't last for long. I lived the first 30 years of my life dependant only on myself. I was miserable and my life was going no where. I was busy for sure but it wasn't satisfying and certainly not joyful. I was on to the next thing and never really savored any moment. I lost big chucks of time this way I think that is the point. When your unhappy you got to keep moving or your emotions catch up with you.

I am back to being peaceful and trusting that all will be revealed. This week I am taking care of the little things. It feels life I am preparing for a long trip of some kind. I am ready to let go now and move forward in whatever direction I am led. A calmness has set in and I know I am not on this path alone.

Catch and Release - I don't want to let go

I had a lot on my mind last night after watching Catch and Release and older movie with Jennifer Garner. Her fiance dies before the wedding and she finds out how little she knew him. He had a child with someone he met during the relationship. I also watched Premonition. Sandra Bullock having visions of the death of her husband who she finds out is about to have an affair. She is deciding whether to try to stop his death or just let nature take it's course.

It made me think how you really don't know people. It could also be betrayal and loss. I was already feeling lonely last night with yet another February date from past coming up for me.

Yesterday was my ex-husbands birthday. I had forgotten until I was cleaning up my home office and found a bunch pictures. The pictures were mostly of me but he was included in a few. Then I realized it was his birthday. I wallowed in my sentiment and looked him up on facebook. He has almost 400 friends. I clearly was on a slippery slope with that move but I resisted the urge to send him a birthday message. I am over it today thank goodness.

This time of year tends to put my in a review of my life place. I am alone now and know that it is not a permanent state for me, but it feels like one. I have had two decade plus relationships which were mostly successful even if they ended. They taught me a lot about myself. What I want and what I don't want in a partner.

My choices brought me where I am today and when I am lonely I can't help but think what if we had had children? Would we have stayed together? Would my life at least feel fuller than it does now? But it wasn't meant to be and the kids could have ended up with drug and alcohol problems.

After watching the movies I thought about the title catch and release title. Isn't that what relationships tend to be. You meet spend time together and ultimately you have to let them go. That first phase isn't permanent and even if you stay together you can's sustain that level unless both people want it. It isn't enough to just exist in the same house at least that is my experience. Active participation from both parties can fill gaps where love isn't enough. At least this is what I hope.

I also know we are always changing and sometimes it isn't possible to stay together. I always believed my relationships were permenant. There in lies the problem my thinking anything is really permanent. I think about myself and how much I have changed this past year and even I can't keep up with myself so how could anyone else keep up with me.

I can't help but ask myself how did I end up here? My choices in mates my attraction to those that don't communicate, until it is too late. In the words of Byron Katey turn that around. Maybe I don't communicate. I don't always know my feelings, until it is too late. I can get lost in the busy part of life and miss things. Miss sign post clearly telling me to pay attention. I like being busy it keeps me from evaluating where I am emotionally and spiritually and when your in a relationship that isn't working that comes in handy.

It is a full time job to not fall back into my natural state of busy, busy, busy or run, run, run. When I meditate and pray it feels like the most un-natural state for me. Sitting still without thinking is next to impossible but I can manage it from time to time. Lately I can feel myself getting to a place of peace more quickly accepting that this is my life and leaning into it for once.

I can accept lonely for now. I can recognize that this is where I am for the moment or I can run out and try to fill the void with busy. I know how that turns out so I am trying to get comfortable being on my own and loving and taking care of myself even if it feels uncomfortable. Practice makes perfect, right?

I am not sad today and I am in the office. I spent the morning with some really great people who are going to be great customers. This is what I love about my work. I meet people take their vision and transform it into real life. What's better than that? I am in a place of acceptance and that always brings happiness.

In the Dark - Gratitude

I am working today on my day off. I am happy to have the work and really need to close some new deals before I lose my momentum. I spent the day helping a customer with tile selection and then back to the office.

When I arrived my office or what I call my office, it was dark. I guess the big fixture over my desk went out. The owner decided that he should change the light bulbs, I tried to convince him that it was unlikely that all four went out at the same time, but he didn't listen. He is stubborn like me and had to see for himself. Then he proceeded to climb on top of my desk with my laptop sitting there open. After changing the bulbs surprise the light still didn't work. When he was moving the ladder out, he hadn't secured the cover and it came flying down and missed me by an inch.

It seems to me that when I am stressed and have a lot going on the universe starts conspiring against me and sends me a few extra things to deal with. I think we create our own reality and if we start thinking negatively then we get more of the same.

With that being said, the weather was beautiful today, my customer was good company and we got to eat lunch outside at one of my favorite restaurants. Further more, I have the kind of job that allows me moments such as this to stop and collect my thoughts and send them out into the world.

I hope your day was as lovely as mine.