It isn't murder just a tribute to my parents

It looks like a murder took place in my kitchen tonight. I bought a juicer at the Goodwill for ten bucks and juiced up some beets along with some other tasty vegetables.  At the end the machine had some issues with the raw beets and things got a little out of hand.

I have a love hate relationship with the whole health food movement. I was raised by a couple of health nuts and since they aren't here any more I am not too sure I want to waste my time.  My mother's been gone 40 years this past Sunday.  I was going to write about her that night but it seemed like a tired story. The story of me an my mother or really what I remember about her.

Tonight I thought about both of my parents while I was juicing. They are probably both up there laughing and saying " look at our girl down there juicing."  I don't know whether they were that interested in health before my mother got sick or if it was her sickness started the trend in our house.

What I do know is that my dad was passionate about my mother.  He loved her so much that he would have done anything to save her and when he lost her he lost everything. We all did.

My mother made things happen. I am not sure how because she wasn't a particularly big personality. She lived by her convictions and people just got on board. Our house was the hub of the neighborhood and the hub of our church.

We hosted missionaries at our house regularly. We held giant Easter egg hunts every year along with a haunted house for Halloween. One year she even let me be the host for a muscular dystrophy carnival in our back yard.  My picture was in the paper.

I don't really remember her laughing that much but I do remember us being happy. We weren't rich with money but we were rich with friends and experiences.  She pushed us all to be great and to be passionate about our beliefs.

She taught me that it was important to entertain myself because I had to be my own best friend. She taught me that not everyone would like me and that was okay. She taught me that God loved me and that was what really mattered.  These three things are the core of who I am today.

I think she knew she was sick long before the doctor said so and I think she wanted to give us good memories. I do have good memories even if they have been over shadowed by her death.

I have some guilt over being so demanding. I was hyper and was interested in everything. I never stopped until I got my way. I had to have everything explained to me. Just as I do now I have to understand the why behind everything that happens.  We fought and I lost until she got sick.  I was just a kid I didn't know.

So I juiced some vegetable tonight in honor of my heritage.  I am not counting on the juice or my heritage to give me a long life given my parents early departures.  I am counting on the peace I have found with my past to make years I have more full.  

Fourth Step - Taking care of health

Things are a little crazy here and I managed to get sick. This is an old response to stress for me. I have to ask myself was it the sadness of the season or the fact that I never feel free to not think about work or both.

Since I have been in the program I rarely get sick. I learned it was ok to put myself first. Take care of my needs ahead of another. This is real maturity. In the fourth step Blue Print for Progress one of the questions is whether you go to the doctor or dentist for regular check ups. At the time I didn't do that I just kept pushing myself until I was so sick I could not function. I turns into an emergency.

My theory is that you don't really feel like you can take the time to take care of yourself. Especially when other people are counting on you. Your overbooked but you just keep pushing. Your body decides hey I need a break and takes you down.

You finally let yourself off the hook. You have no choice you have gone too far. It also evokes the sympathy of those around you and they cut you some slack. Pleasing others is a top priority for me in my business and I feel terrible if I can't do all that I promised.

I need a break more than just a day at a time. I don't really feel I can do that right now but I am getting to the point that I will have be ok no matter if I lose customers or not. I am not effective working like this and my creative juices are dried up.

Let go and let God a simple phrase that isn't so simple to follow.

Picture from Vivaboo.com