Bragging - Criticism

Ending another long six day work week exhausting but productive.  Every time I think I can work on balancing my life a little better a wave of work crashes over my head.  I think I topped a new record for myself this week in work hours ending yesterday with a 12 hour day.

I am not complaining okay maybe just a little but as long as I can remember I have always liked working. Only a few times when the job was boring or didn't suit my personal temperament did I absolutely hate going to work.  I can think of two jobs that fell into this category and luckily neither lasted too long.

The first was a bookkeeping job at a water bed store in the early 80's.  I got the job through a temp agency it was just me and the owner an ambidextrous guy who could use two adding machines at the same time.  I am fine with numbers I just don't love working with them and within a day we mutually decided this was not the job for me. A dark little office in the back with literally one light bulb hanging from the ceiling with the two of us crowded in there together.  I still pass by that location sometimes it has been a number of things over the years and today they are selling golf carts. 

The second job was a receptionist job where most of the clients calling were from China, Japan or Korea and I could never translate what they were saying or even pronounce their names.  I did my best and ask for the spelling but even then I could understand the letters they were saying. All this while the phones were ringing off the hook.  I was relieved when I was fired.  

I has always easier for me to admit that I wasn't good at something. A bit harder to was to acknowledge my talents. I was taught that bragging on yourself was impolite and that you needed to wait until someone else pointed out your special gifts. In my family that never really happened it was always about reaching the next level. They were quick with the constructive criticism helping you to do more be more. 

So most of my life has been spent waiting for someone to appreciate me and what I bring to the table. I have been appreciated both at work and in my personal relationships but I depended on it to keep up my confidence. As we all know the praise of others is short lived and when it was gone I was devastated.  In my immaturity I thought that it was my fault and that if I improved myself the next job or relationship would last.  I  would work to improve myself and then find the next person that appreciated me.  

I am just now learning to appreciate myself and not let how I feel about myself be determined by what others think about me. I have always done my best even if sometimes it wasn't good enough. I can admit my part but I can no longer accept full responsibility. I have hurt others just as I have been hurt and for that I am sorry. 

I guess the point of this post is to know yourself and appreciate your worth.  Also know that relationship are like jobs some are short term and some could turn into careers. Know who you are and what works for you and if it doesn't last then move on and don't blame yourself.  

This has been a month of grieving and soul searching and I feel I am ready to appreciate myself and start feeling like I deserve a fuller happier life. I am grateful I have the ability to see the things within myself that causes me suffer and do something about. 

Selling myself short - What am I worth?

Reinforce a sense of sovereignty within yourself, despite any self-limiting beliefs, habits or appearances to the contrary.

The above is from one of my daily readings. Fake it until you make it my friend that is the word today anyway.

I have always struggled with my own value. What I bring to the table and I am not sure if that is because I have lived most of my life without any positive feedback or is it because I somehow think it is bad to toot your own horn.

As I have mentioned before I am a worker bee stealth in my actions. Working for the personal enjoyment of producing and completing a project. This has hurt me in the past because until I am gone no one realizes just how much I was doing. This is true in my personal and professional life and I am not sure what to do about it.

The idea of worth keeps coming up for me. I sent an invoice to a customer who wants me to justify the work I completed for her in writing. This is how design is and once a project is finished some people discount the value.

It feels personal and takes me back to the part of myself that thinks maybe I am not worth it. I am once again trying to get my self-worth from other people. If I don't believe I am worthy how can I expect anyone else to.

I can feel a shift within. It has be slow but after a year of scraping by I feel I am starting to come to terms with this and to stop selling myself short. I really have nothing to lose if no one wants to pay me then at least I will be free to do something else with my time. Instead of doing work I am not getting paid for.

It comes down to some basic desires. I want people to love and appreciate me. I want them to value the work I put into creating a lovely space.

In the words of Byron Katey, turn that around, I need to love and appreciate myself. I need to value the work I put into creating a lovely space.

How do I convince myself that I am worth it?


Picture: collegecandy.com

Thinking Small

I spent the morning judging builders here in the area that submitted remodeling projects to the builders association for recognition. The number is limited because it cost to submit and so only the bigger names actually are represented.

I was assigned a partner and we drove around and looked at some incredible spaces. It was hard to judge some of the smaller projects against the ones with unlimited budgets. One project, the house was taken to the ground and rebuilt the other was a cottage that the owners grandparents owned and had been empty for six years before the remodel. It was also gutted but the basic structure was the same.

My partner for the day was a interior designer and obviously passionate about what he did, we discussed the difficulty in finding people willing to pay for design services. He said he charges for every minute of his time and his belief in himself keeps him in business. He said even if he has to pass up on a potential customer he won't do a free consultation.

I was thinking about how easily I under value myself and especially what I do. I have a degree and I have spent a lot of time and energy keeping up with the current design trends within the industry. I have passion for what I do and I give my all with every project.

I was with a customer the other day and I said not to worry that I wouldn't let her make a bad decision and she said well you think highly of yourself. I said I support myself making design decisions and she wouldn't want to pay someone that isn't sure of their choices.

I was conditioned to think it is bad manners to be proud of your own skills or as my mother would say "don't toot your own horn". What is wrong with having confidence in your own skills. A lawyer wouldn't say oh I am not really that great, modesty wouldn't be an asset, so why should I down play my abilities.

So I am going to stop thinking small, it doesn't help me to not be confident or not appreciate my own abilities. If you are relying on the advice of someone don't you want them to have confidence, I do.