This has been a weeks of ups and downs. First the ups with the weather warmer and with the time change I have a better chance of getting out of work before it gets too dark. Now the downs this week I had to deal with a verbally abusive customer that really brought up my past.
I answered the phone at 9 pm at work and there was voice the voice of someone looking for a fight. The rage caught me off guard and I sat there like a deer in headlights. She kept saying "are you there? are listening to me?" I was stunned and only sat there in silence.
My mind was was searching quickly for the right response. I knew I needed to wait before saying anything. I wanted to say a lot things but I don't just represent myself but the company too so I said nothing.
My gut reaction is from a child's point of view. Growing up my stepmother would get so angry she looked like a dragon. She would get in my face and scream at me. Anger became the theme of my life. My first love was someone that I regularly talked down from that uncontrollable rage. Going on to a marriage that when mixed with alcohol produced regular verbal attacks on me.
I can see my ex now jumping out of the car and going back to face a driver that was following us too closely. Even though he regularly did the same thing which eventually led to another angry person jumping out of their car with a knife. These were not happy times.
Today I know first it is not my fault. I thought when I was 13 that I caused my stepmother's anger and she was angry because she didn't like me and she didn't like me because there was something that made me not lovable. This was the thoughts that I took into my adult life.
After a string of these kinds of relationships I became an expert at keeping people happy. If I could say all the right things I could keep things calm and the anger under control.
It never occurred to me that this anger didn't have anything to do with me and it wasn't my job to manage anybody. When in this kind of relationship the angry person has grown over time to a very powerful position. It is scary and that is why it works for them and they continue to do it.
It works because they sincerely believe that it is your fault because it certainly isn't theirs. It is too easy to blame others for our own feelings. It takes courage and a lot of work to take responsibility for our emotional selves.
Even though she scared me I realized that it was my choice to let her scare me. My feelings were just shadows of the past revisiting. I was glad I said nothing and her anger had nothing to do with me. I was grateful she was just a stranger and not someone I had to go home to every night.
Showing posts with label silence. Show all posts
Showing posts with label silence. Show all posts
Saturday, March 14, 2015
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Steam Rollers and Pancakes
I have tried to comment on a couple of post this morning but it seem the system is rejecting my words so I guess I will take a few moments to write a post.
My air conditioning is broken. It is 90+ degrees and 80% humidity here and it is hard to keep hydrated or sleep at night. I am from the deep south and my heat tolerance is pretty high but it doesn't make me want to go home and do chores. I lay on the bed as still as possible with the fan blowing on me. Just like we did as kids before everyone had air conditioning.
I think this is why people think southerners a lazy. It is really energy conservation it is in our genes we move slow and talk slow. We think before we speak so we don't waste energy on needless words. (writing doesn't count)
Last year when I attended a funeral in Georgia, where my daddy's family live, his brothers and sister sat in a circle on the carport telling tall family tales. Between each story there would be a long pause for what seemed like and eternity and then another story. This can be unnerving for people that hate silence. But for me it felt like home no pressure to fill the void. The introverted clan gathered together enjoying the peace and quiet.
Back in the real world if you don't rush to speak people sometimes feel the need to speak for you. Why are we so uncomfortable with silence? I see this in meetings where if there is a pause, some people seem to need to jump in even if they already shared. I tend to think the pause gives someone afraid to speak time to built up courage to say something.
Don't get me wrong I like to talk and sometimes the only time I am not talking is when I am alone. But I like to listen too. I like to take it all in and mull it around in my head and then think about it some more and then comment.
Unfortunately the people I am drawn to are usually the ones that don't understand the mulling over part. They want quick responses and in heat of battle will roll over me like a tank. In the past I would lay there flatten like a pancake hoping I was invisible until they went on to something else. Sometimes I would make an attempt to explain myself on the spot, that never works. This only gave them the opportunity to roll over me again.
I spent a lot of time scared to face the bully's I loved and felt shutting down was my only option. What I have learned is that just because someone says something with authority doesn't mean they are right. It was my own self doubt that fueled my fear and gave them the edge. If you live with someone like this over time they can beat you down and in the isolated co-dependant relationship they are your whole world and you have no where to go.
This is how the disease of alcoholism worked in my life. Because of my own insecurities and my desperate need to be loved I was willing to hand over all my power and self-worth to someone else. Pretty soon I totally disappeared and just became a shadow. I was a zombie in my own life.
I took my zombie self to my first meeting. The words they said slowly started to seep in I was a separate person not the shadow of the one I loved. I was a fully formed individual that had the same rights and needs as anyone else. I was God's creation and worthy of the same things as anyone else.
Just words then but slowly as the steps stripped away the layers of self hate I started to forgive myself for letting me down. I started to see how I got to where I was and it wasn't any one's fault not even my own, because I had done my best.
Waking up to the truth was shocking at first and I resisted. I couldn't believe that I had the power to change my thoughts and my situation. I wasn't trapped and every day I could choose again. I could make small healthier choices for myself and re-create myself over and over again.
These days I get stuck because I know that I know better and have no one to blame but myself for where I am. I just have to sit in it until I am ready to make a change. I want someone to blame I want someone to rescue me from myself but there is no one. There has never really been anyone to do that because you gotta do it yourself. Other people can comfort along the way or distract when you are avoiding the truth but those aren't solutions. In the end it is just you and your maker.
Just for today I can deal with that and I can lovingly accept where I am in my life and be happy that I have made this far.
My air conditioning is broken. It is 90+ degrees and 80% humidity here and it is hard to keep hydrated or sleep at night. I am from the deep south and my heat tolerance is pretty high but it doesn't make me want to go home and do chores. I lay on the bed as still as possible with the fan blowing on me. Just like we did as kids before everyone had air conditioning.
I think this is why people think southerners a lazy. It is really energy conservation it is in our genes we move slow and talk slow. We think before we speak so we don't waste energy on needless words. (writing doesn't count)
Last year when I attended a funeral in Georgia, where my daddy's family live, his brothers and sister sat in a circle on the carport telling tall family tales. Between each story there would be a long pause for what seemed like and eternity and then another story. This can be unnerving for people that hate silence. But for me it felt like home no pressure to fill the void. The introverted clan gathered together enjoying the peace and quiet.
Back in the real world if you don't rush to speak people sometimes feel the need to speak for you. Why are we so uncomfortable with silence? I see this in meetings where if there is a pause, some people seem to need to jump in even if they already shared. I tend to think the pause gives someone afraid to speak time to built up courage to say something.
Don't get me wrong I like to talk and sometimes the only time I am not talking is when I am alone. But I like to listen too. I like to take it all in and mull it around in my head and then think about it some more and then comment.
Unfortunately the people I am drawn to are usually the ones that don't understand the mulling over part. They want quick responses and in heat of battle will roll over me like a tank. In the past I would lay there flatten like a pancake hoping I was invisible until they went on to something else. Sometimes I would make an attempt to explain myself on the spot, that never works. This only gave them the opportunity to roll over me again.
I spent a lot of time scared to face the bully's I loved and felt shutting down was my only option. What I have learned is that just because someone says something with authority doesn't mean they are right. It was my own self doubt that fueled my fear and gave them the edge. If you live with someone like this over time they can beat you down and in the isolated co-dependant relationship they are your whole world and you have no where to go.
This is how the disease of alcoholism worked in my life. Because of my own insecurities and my desperate need to be loved I was willing to hand over all my power and self-worth to someone else. Pretty soon I totally disappeared and just became a shadow. I was a zombie in my own life.
I took my zombie self to my first meeting. The words they said slowly started to seep in I was a separate person not the shadow of the one I loved. I was a fully formed individual that had the same rights and needs as anyone else. I was God's creation and worthy of the same things as anyone else.
Just words then but slowly as the steps stripped away the layers of self hate I started to forgive myself for letting me down. I started to see how I got to where I was and it wasn't any one's fault not even my own, because I had done my best.
Waking up to the truth was shocking at first and I resisted. I couldn't believe that I had the power to change my thoughts and my situation. I wasn't trapped and every day I could choose again. I could make small healthier choices for myself and re-create myself over and over again.
These days I get stuck because I know that I know better and have no one to blame but myself for where I am. I just have to sit in it until I am ready to make a change. I want someone to blame I want someone to rescue me from myself but there is no one. There has never really been anyone to do that because you gotta do it yourself. Other people can comfort along the way or distract when you are avoiding the truth but those aren't solutions. In the end it is just you and your maker.
Just for today I can deal with that and I can lovingly accept where I am in my life and be happy that I have made this far.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Introvert Seeking Silience-A Zen Moment
I am standing on my own these days and my need to find the truth has given way to just making a living and addressing what is in front of me today.
I am in the office today alone my partner in crime is in Texas and it is especially quiet. I have a number of things that I should be doing and will probably be here late today. I decided that writing might help me to move forward and so here I am writing.
My head has been unusually quiet and without the analytical voices in my head I have been able to get some rest. It feels strange to focus on my work and put everything I have into one thing. I picked up a magazine at my counselors office and there was a long article on introverts and it talked about the very thing I am experiencing now. The Zen of focusing on one thing and how having a goal or objective gives the introvert mind a way to rest. Extroverts on the other hand don't really need the same kind of break. They get rest from outside stimulation and sometimes thrill seeking.
The article did say that introverts make up 50% of the population but aren't easily recognized and are sometimes labeled as shy. Introverts are not shy but internalize information and then form conclusion. Making it seem like we are slow compared to our extrovert counter parts. We are half the population going against the extrovert tide. In America we have a society based on stimulation. It said some there are countries more geared toward introverted thinking. It mentioned how here we tolerate loud music in stores and restaurants and don't realize that it is tool to disorient us to shop and eat mindlessly.
So I am not alone in my need for silence and why after a day of customers I need to lay down. It is comforting to know that I am not alone in my quest for peace and that my own internal voice can be silenced for a time.
I am in the office today alone my partner in crime is in Texas and it is especially quiet. I have a number of things that I should be doing and will probably be here late today. I decided that writing might help me to move forward and so here I am writing.
My head has been unusually quiet and without the analytical voices in my head I have been able to get some rest. It feels strange to focus on my work and put everything I have into one thing. I picked up a magazine at my counselors office and there was a long article on introverts and it talked about the very thing I am experiencing now. The Zen of focusing on one thing and how having a goal or objective gives the introvert mind a way to rest. Extroverts on the other hand don't really need the same kind of break. They get rest from outside stimulation and sometimes thrill seeking.
The article did say that introverts make up 50% of the population but aren't easily recognized and are sometimes labeled as shy. Introverts are not shy but internalize information and then form conclusion. Making it seem like we are slow compared to our extrovert counter parts. We are half the population going against the extrovert tide. In America we have a society based on stimulation. It said some there are countries more geared toward introverted thinking. It mentioned how here we tolerate loud music in stores and restaurants and don't realize that it is tool to disorient us to shop and eat mindlessly.
So I am not alone in my need for silence and why after a day of customers I need to lay down. It is comforting to know that I am not alone in my quest for peace and that my own internal voice can be silenced for a time.
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