What are the magic words?

Every Alanon wants to know what the magic words are to stop someone they love from drinking and doing drugs. This is what my friend ask me today because she is confronting her husband tonight about his addiction.

I said say what ever makes you feel better because it really doesn't matter. The addiction is in charge and will not be listening. Don't attack or make idle threats. The person you love is in there somewhere but not in charge anymore.

I remember before the program when my husband was leaving me. We would meet at restaurants and I would prepare my own magic words. I would actually write them down. I would pray and ask God to let me say the words that would make him see how sick he was and how he was ruining our lives. He was listening.

I always came away from those times feeling worse. Like I missed my opportunity to convince him to change. He wasn't interested in changing he blamed me for all our problems and I knew he was right. Back then I did believe it was all my fault. I made him drink, I made him find someone else because I wasn't the perfect wife. News flash he was not the perfect husband.

After I found the program I realized that I lost the man I married to alcohol. I realized couldn't help him and trying to get him to see just what he was losing just made him want to run away and drink more. I would never be enough to stop him from drinking.

This is what I was trying to tell my friend. You can never be enough. You have to just be enough for yourself and let God do the rest. It is not about you anymore it is about the addiction.

The begging and pleading falls on deaf ears. It has all been said before many times.

I wish I had some magic words for my friend. She is just beginning this journey and she still believes he doesn't care about his family or he would make better choices.

The good news is that she has been to Alanon and knows where to find help when she needs it.

The power of words - You didn't just say that did you?

I wanted to write another post to let you know I have identified the reason for my sudden depression after the holidays.

I thought it was strictly chemical but it turns out it has to do with something my sister said to me. I felt bad again today and couldn't shake it no matter what I did. I finally called my sponsor today.

I was telling her about my trip to my sister's house. She knows her because for years I wouldn't go there alone. When I would visit it was like I was invisible so I started taking my friend and sponsor with me. We played the tourist so it didn't matter if my sister made time for me.

Today I was telling her that my sister told me that the reason my husband left me 20 years ago was because I was too much work for him. Before she said this she said I know you don't want to here this but. I didn't react and brushed it off at the time. She didn't know me then or my husband and really had no basis for saying that.

I believe my husband was an alcoholic and an adult child of an alcoholic. I was equally messed up with my own stuff and didn't have a clue how to deal with him or his anger. I was in my 20's with no tools to work with. I did my best.

When I told my sponsor what she had said tears started rolling down my face. Evidently some part of the what she said I felt was true. I loved him so much and when he left it broke my heart. It also saved my life because I went to Al-Anon and learned how to see how messed up my thinking was. Was it my fault he left? No.

My sister's words weren't meant to hurt me. Most unsolicited advice isn't meant to intentionally hurt someone but it can and does.

I have done the same thing plenty of times I am sure. I think it is interesting how the words of someone you love can hurt more deeply even when you aren't close.

I have problems reaching out because I don't want to be a burden to anyone. I don't want to be too much work. Maybe this is why her words hurt and even when she said it I blocked the emotions until I was home and felt safe.

It is easy to see where others have made mistakes even when you can't see the ones in your own life. Maybe I am too much work. I know sometimes I am too much work for myself. But that is my own business.

The depression has lifted.