Riding a Horse

This is not another metaphor it is the real thing. I spent my life mostly working or accomplishing things the act of getting things done suits me well. I realized quite recently that it is not easy for me to do something just for entertainment.

I started to think of a few things I would like to try. A bucket list I guess you might say. It is short list at this point but on the list I put ride a horse. I rode one once when I was eight and that was it. It might sound silly but I when your task oriented time gets away from you. Always planning for others or taking care of the details of life.

I went to a silent auction on Friday night and there it was a one hour horseback riding lesson. I am broke right now but I was the starting bid of $20 the lesson a $40 value. I was the highest bidder and now I am going get to ride a horse.

I have been shut down to my own desires for most of my life. Few things have brought me true joy. The alcoholics I have been attracted to stirred something in me that made me feel more alive than I ever was on my own. That feeling was as close to joy as I thought I could get but of course it was fleeting. I was living through someone else and it was more of a distraction than real joy.

I didn't want to face the truth that I really didn't know who I was and maybe if I started looking for me no one would be there. I was boring and keeping up with the alcoholic was an adventure and I didn't have to acknowledge my real fear of being no one without someone.

I am still looking for me. I have really stopped just trying to fill my time with what is offered up. Hours of doing things I had no interest in doing because it was easier than being still or searching for my own joy.

I am taking a horseback riding lesson. I might hate it or maybe I will love it. Who knows maybe I will join the rodeo. At least I am trying something just for me.