I get a chance to face my character defects over and over again until I can really see them the way other people see them. It is possible to get rid of character defects but not until I can actually see them for myself.
In my sick thinking in order for me to justify my existence I must feel that I am working towards improvement. To do this I must compare myself to others and point out their shortcomings in order to feel better about myself. It isn't as a simple as your bad and I am good it is more, see how hard I am working and how far I have come compared to you.
My best days, which are not as often as I would like, I can say no matter what my best for today is good enough and so is yours. Seems simple, but it is not. I am hardly ever good enough for myself. The ultimate critic the one that thinks I should be further along is always saying I should be more understanding more patient with others or even myself.
Is it not enough to just be a living human being a child of God to warrant being on this earth? You got to contribute there are standards but mostly the ones set by the voice in my head. Sure society expects certain things but really it is my own standards that make me the most crazy.
I can be hear myself right now saying you should be working not writing a blog entry. When the truth is I haven't had more than three days off in a row for almost two years and maybe I would be more productive if I could step back and take a big sigh.
That is not going to happen so I bribe myself by taking these moments to write so I can face what needs to be done the rest of the time.
My best for today has got to be enough for me. In my mind my existence can't be based solely on production. I know this belief comes from my childhood and it has served me well in many ways but I need balance and I need to occasionally let myself off the hook.
I have to love myself despite what I see as my flaws. I have to be compassionate for the child within that needs the compassion. This for me is how all the steps work together. They help us discover our true selves with all the flaws and then we learn to accept and love ourselves just as we are.
When we can do this we can love others just as they are because we are humbled by discovering our own shortcomings. If we can love our own shortcomings we don't need to judge others for theirs. We can open our hearts and understand how we are all the same just trying to make through every day.
I guess I should go back to work now.
Yeah, I understand. I am hardly ever good enough. Perhaps, if I keep coming back, my daily reprieve from my own thinking will get wider. So far, every little bit of my own recovery helps. Thanks for a thoughtful post.
ReplyDeleteIt takes a while to learn to love ourselves, especially since we are often treated in an unlovable manner.
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