Humbled - Fake it until you make it.

Last nights model

What can make you really humble? Start a new job where you know nothing and everyone else knows everything. I ask myself "why do you do this every ten years?"

My ego is totally freaked out that I have to accept that I don't know anything. I want to just run away but of course no one but me expects me to know anything. It is so uncomfortable to be here again.

My inside critic is telling me I have made the wrong decision.  Luckily my spiritual mature side knows that it is really too soon to tell.  It says "just relax and see how it goes."

Why is it we expect to be instantly good at something and compare ourselves to people that have been doing it for much longer than us?  It takes courage to be a rookie at anything.

Last night at my drawing class everyone was telling the teacher that wished they were as good as he is at drawing. Like he woke up one morning an expert. He has a degree in art and has taught drawing at the college level for five years.

I don't like feeling so awkward but it is also really good for me. I have been feeling less than challenged at my job for awhile now. All the products are new and learning the products will be a challenge.

Fake it until you make it. That is my plan. Wish me luck.

Can I love myself? Character defects

I get a chance to face my character defects over and over again until I can really see them the way other people see them. It is possible to get rid of character defects but not until I can actually see them for myself.

In my sick thinking in order for me to justify my existence I must feel that I am working towards improvement. To do this I must compare myself to others and point out their shortcomings in order to feel better about myself. It isn't as a simple as your bad and I am good it is more, see how hard I am working and how far I have come compared to you.

My best days, which are not as often as I would like, I can say no matter what my best for today is good enough and so is yours. Seems simple, but it is not. I am hardly ever good enough for myself. The ultimate critic the one that thinks I should be further along is always saying I should be more understanding more patient with others or even myself.

Is it not enough to just be a living human being a child of God to warrant being on this earth? You got to contribute there are standards but mostly the ones set by the voice in my head. Sure society expects certain things but really it is my own standards that make me the most crazy.

I can be hear myself right now saying you should be working not writing a blog entry. When the truth is I haven't had more than three days off in a row for almost two years and maybe I would be more productive if I could step back and take a big sigh.

That is not going to happen so I bribe myself by taking these moments to write so I can face what needs to be done the rest of the time.

My best for today has got to be enough for me. In my mind my existence can't be based solely on production. I know this belief comes from my childhood and it has served me well in many ways but I need balance and I need to occasionally let myself off the hook.

I have to love myself despite what I see as my flaws. I have to be compassionate for the child within that needs the compassion. This for me is how all the steps work together. They help us discover our true selves with all the flaws and then we learn to accept and love ourselves just as we are.

When we can do this we can love others just as they are because we are humbled by discovering our own shortcomings. If we can love our own shortcomings we don't need to judge others for theirs. We can open our hearts and understand how we are all the same just trying to make through every day.

I guess I should go back to work now.