I have got spring fever or I am just tired of where my life is right now. I don't want to be in the office or deal with all the changes coming my way today. When you work for yourself it is hard to just feel free. Free of worry or even free of the long list of to do's going through your head.I read somewhere recently that it is important to have something to look forward to. I think that is right since I have started taking the drawing classes I feel like I do have something to look forward to. I also joined a meet up studying Eckhart Tolle's book A New Earth. It is good to broaden my world and meet new people.
My drawing class ended Thursday but I am taking a two day figure drawing class starting Sunday. Two consecutive Sunday's. Mostly the class will have the same people from the other class.
I have also gotten involved with a group of people that cook about 40 meals three times a week for people unable to get out of their homes or that are recovering from a medical problem. These are more like home cooked meals instead of institutional meals. Somebody donated an entire restaurant worth of equipment and I am helping with the work flow design. I told them my experience is residential but I was willing to at least layout a floor plan. On Monday I am going to cook with them to see how they like things set up.
Yesterday I couldn't make myself do much work. It wasn't my day to be in the office so I stopped by and did a few things and left. I went out to see a friend at the beach. A very wise person except with her own life. She helps me and I help her to not take ourselves too seriously.
She has seen first hand my emotional transformation. When I was at my worst a few of us got together and did energy work once a week. She said I a especially sensitive to the emotions of others and have a gift for healing. How nice. She says the darkness in me has left and that I am ready for the change that is coming. I knew that.
While praying recently I told God that I was ready to accept any changes he thought I needed to experience. I meant it. All the pain and grief I have experienced was because I couldn't accept the changes happening in my life. Of course the minute I said I was ready fear crept ed in and said "you better look out".
I have faith that God only has my best interest in mind. I have emerged from darkness stronger than ever. I can see now how all my life I let the love of others dictate my self worth. If someone loved me or even liked me it made me feel whole but when it didn't last I was left feeling like I was not enough.
I had to develop my own self worth. I had to hit bottom and love myself whether it seemed anyone else loved me or not. It isn't any ones responsibility to make me feel secure I have to do that myself.
Don't get me wrong I have been loved and there are people in my life that love me now but if they left it wouldn't be me fault and it wouldn't devastate me. It would just mean that their heart took them someplace else. We are alone in our head and no one can completely share that with us. The best they can do is relate to us and support us but ultimately everyone is responsible for their own journey.
So love the people in your life now. Give the love you want to get and even if their life takes them in another direction don't blame yourself just cherish the time you were together. How is that for sappy?
Good thoughts about loving the people in your life now. I think that is one of the things that I have done, perhaps to a fault. Maybe I was looking for acceptance and the feeling that I was really okay. I realize, like you, that I had to learn to love myself.
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