I had a beautiful day with friends yesterday. We had lamb curry and ate outside on the porch. The weather was perfect an it seemed all was right with the world.I woke up this morning to a few work problems that sent me into a spiral of resisting my life. I am off today and I really didn't want to deal with problems. Bad went to worse and I could feel my mood heading further south. My first question to myself "what is wrong with you, what has happened to you, why can't you just suck it up and get on with life?" So I retreated to my bed.
Those are all really good questions I thought. I went to out to YouTube and looked up self esteem and Eckhart Tolle. Interesting but nothing really struck me or helped me with my angst. I closed my eyes and started to mediate with him and Neal Donald Walsh. I drifted away and when I opened my eyes the video was over.
Suddenly a word came to me rejection.
My life has been full of rejection from my family, friends and even employers. I definitely have taken these rejections personally. When I am rejected it means that what I am is not good enough for you. This is how the child in me perceives all rejection. My love isn't good enough my work isn't good enough. If make a mistake it proves you are right and re-enforces the doubts I already have about myself.
My sponsor called me last night and she mentioned how life keeps dishing us out the same thing until we get the lesson. In my case this means bringing people or situations in my life where I will ultimately get rejected. What profession on the planet receives the most rejection? Sales.
Everyday I put my intimate creative ideas out on the table to be accepted or rejected. I think it hurts more when I have invested so much time with someone it feels more personal. It isn't personal but it feels personal.
With this new discovery I have a couple of options. I can change jobs and run from any and all personal relationships or I can stop judging myself based on the opinions of others. Life is full of rejection for everyone. It isn't about me. On my worst days I see that I am the common denominator with all this rejection. My mind says "where there is smoke there is fire" luckily I don't listen too often.
Rejection isn't personal people make choices that work best for them. I should be doing the same thing instead I find that I try to decide what is best for everyone. Even though of course I don't really know what is best for everyone it is just my idea that it is the best for everyone. I am back to running the lives of others instead of just taking care of myself and giving other people the right to do the same thing.
What a concept I realize two things first that I have brought rejection into my life over and over and the second that other people can't define me unless I let them. Rejection is part of life and when I get rejection it isn't my fault. People are just choosing someone or something that they believe is better for them at the moment.
How simple the source of all the pain in my life can be summed up in one paragraph.
I am glad you figured out the root of your sadness. Last night someone shared at a meeting that she will meditate and have her little girl self or younger woman self, sitting in front of her, facing her and she will ask her, "Whats wrong?" She says many times as she looks at her little self, her angst is revealed and she can do what she needs to take care of herself.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing. Yes, rejection is a real stabber in the heart for me as well. Hugs to you dear one as you and God go through this together. Blessings.
ReplyDeleteI came to the same conclusion several years ago in a moment of total surrender. I know that my HP revealed to me that all had been interpreted through the eyes of rejection. It was a powerful moment.
ReplyDeleteyou sound a lot like me. i hate rejection. i try to convince myself it doesn't bother me. but i know it does. usually i get over it, and often it just fuels me to be better in a certain area. but collectively, it gets me down if i think about it too much. i like what you said... not letting it define who we are. and not letting it in our lives so much. i did that with someone for so many years. i kept coming back to the same pattern of acceptance/rejection... a cycle that i never realized was an endless cycle until recently. i "woke up" and figured out what was happening and decided not to keep going back for acceptance anymore, because i knew it would eventually lead to rejection. in this case, i fully know it's about the other person... it's their issue, and not mine. so i feel free in walking away and not trying to be accepted anymore. i wish i could do that in the smaller areas. i am and always have been thin-skinned. anyway, enjoyed reading here today. thanks for stopping by my blog so that i could happen upon yours.
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