Hopes and Dreams - Letting Go

So I have been thinking a lot about my life yesterday and today.  I am off work without a list of things that have to be done. I could make a list if a really wanted to but nothing that is life or death. 

I have to admit though I am still not one hundred percent comfortable with being verses doing.  I do prefer it to having a to do list constantly weighing on my mind.  

I am feeling satisfied with where I am in my life today.  It is one hundred percent better than this time last year when I still had the cloud depression floating over my head. I was already coming out of it but not feeling too steady. 

A lot of things have changed mostly for the better.  I have had to accept more loss this year including some long time friendships that I assumed would be a permanent part of my life.  I did give up my business but the time was right even though it has taken me four months to feel comfortable with the new job.

Just like the title of this blog - Letting Go it is just a part of life everything is constantly changing and if you can accept this you will be happier.  I have learned that the harder I hold on to things staying exactly the way they are the faster they slip through my fingers.  

My life feels more loose these days I try not to get to far ahead of myself.  I don't have a picture set in stone of what I will do tomorrow or even sometimes later today.  That wasn't always the case and this is what hurt me especially at this time of the year.  I imagined the perfect holiday and set out to force the people in my life to play their part.  It was all about me and I needed them to satisfy my fantasy.

Since nothing in my life has turned out at all like I expected I had to let go. Not without a fight ending with a spiral down into a depression that l almost didn't survive.  I had to let everything I believed to be true about myself and my life go. 

I had to let all my expectations go. This felt like total defeat. I thought that it meant I couldn't have hopes or dreams anymore.  That felt pretty sad how does one live without hopes and dreams?

I have found that hopes and dreams are aloud it is the plans that you have to give up.  The trick is you can't decide how those hopes and dreams will arrive you just have to trust that they will. No conditions to happiness.

I thought I could only be happy making a success out of my own company but it turns out I am happier being a part of something bigger.  I have made new friends and feel free to focus on my customers and leave the boring details to someone else. Who knew.

I have a lot a gratitude this year something I haven't had in a long time.  I am grateful to be here and to start dreaming again.