Many years ago my ex came to me on Thanksgiving eve drunk and told me there was someone else. In the middle of preparing dinner for the crowd coming to our house the next day. This has made Thanksgiving less of a celebration for me. It doesn't help that I have been left twice on this holiday.
I had a little flashback tonight while I was cooking for my friend who needs to eat to save his life. I was preparing big batches of ingredients to assemble in to different soups and other dishes for next week. Standing with all the chaos that goes with large meals it felt familiar and that night came to me.
How I was in the zone and had everything down to a science and then there was those words. "I am in love with someone else"
In a moment life can change forever. I don't feel the pain from this story anymore. Even though I know that that moment and every moment since has changed me. I am sad but also relieved that I am no longer the dreamer I use to be. I was creating a life there making a home and adopting another persons family as my own. I thought I had created security.
I also felt like something was missing and everyone else seemed happy with things the way they were. Obviously not. I knew something wasn't right but when I asked I was assured that everything was fine.
That night I did ask once again "what is going on with you" With a few too many drinks for courage I for once got the truth.
I called off Thanksgiving. I left the kitchen and never touched one thing there again until I packed up the house and move two months later. This was progress because in the past I would have wanted to put on a good face for the crowd. I would have blamed myself somehow for what was happening.
I lost my love of the dream and my love of cooking that day. I don't imagine anymore there is a certain perfect life that you can achieve that will make you feel safe. I don't imagine that anything I have today will automatically be there tomorrow.
I don't worry so much now because I know I will deal with it no matter what. It might be really ugly and I might fall apart or it might be wonderful and a dream come true. That is how I live now and life is good.
I don't know that I will every love cooking the way I did before. I am still good at it and tonight I didn't hate it. I can use my skills to bring my friend back to life.
I don't blame my ex anymore. I never wished for one moment to be back there but I was devastated by the idea that I no longer knew where I belonged. I couldn't accept that there isn't really a safe place a happily ever after place. The girl who lost her mother at 11 wanted to believe in forever.
I have accepted that "this too shall pass" good or bad we can expect things to change and for people to change. There is no guarantees just the opportunity to find happiness each day. I am thankful for this day that I have been given and hope tomorrow I will have a chance to do it again.
Wednesday, November 22, 2017
Sunday, November 19, 2017
Life - On your own
I have off line for awhile and today is the first day I am collecting my thoughts and feelings to write. Many things have beeb happening here My friend went to the emergency with bowel pains and almost three weeks later finally emerged from the hospital disease free but 25 pounds lighter.
He doesn't have any family here so I stepped in until the immediate crisis was over about two weeks. I was happy to do it until I started getting the impression that there wasn't an interest in participating in doing what was required to get out. A retreat on his part and this made me feel alone and helpless.
I decided that because I was the sole support that he didn't feel like had to really engage in what was happening. I felt I needed help and called his brother to come. Luckily he is a contractor and slow right now and he was able to come quickly. I called for back up with friends locally which I thought was healthy for me since I usually handle things on my own.
All of this has put a distance between us redefining our relationship. We have be friends for over 25 years now. It is a comfortable relationship but not intimate emotionally for the most part. We are similar in our spiritual beliefs and our time together is spent eating and talking about our daily lives.
I accepted a long time ago that this is the way we would be it is similar to many other relationships I have had. Starting with my Dad and my two long term ex's. Like our relationship indifferent to the fact that I have emotions and feelings. That just because I am extremely capable doesn't mean that I don't have needs or wouldn't like be thanked or feel appreciated every once in awhile. It is rarely that anyone ask me how I am doing and it seems I attract the kinds of relationship that don't acknowledge me.
I can admit that I don't exude neediness in anyway and I have learned to be fully self supporting declining outside contributions. My mother died when I was young and I learned that you are on your own so you just better get use to it. I don't attached too easily and since my last relationship I haven't gotten attached at all even to an animal.
I have taken care of a lot people in my life. In my personal life and even in my jobs mostly in the background making everything runs smoothly. Making sure everyone was getting there needs met. I was exhausted all the time for really decades. I am not that person anymore. I won't let bad things happen but I also won't give my life away to manage someone else.
With my friend we had a conversation in the hospital that sounded like dependency. Like we were going to do this together. I knew at that moment that I wasn't willing to be the sole support. This is when I felt I needed to call for help and back away. With in days of having other people evolved his spirits were better and he started to actually wanted to get out of the hospital.
His brother left this week and emotionally and physically he is on his own. I made some food and will see him today. Other friends locally have be visiting so he is not alone.
The truth is no one can go through these things with you. When I was sad only a few people were even willing to spend time with me. Healing takes time and people ultimately go back to their own lives. It is the nature of any crisis. We are left alone to accept what has happened.
He will be healthy again if he keeps eating. He does not have a disease and the only therapy he needs is eating which most people would be happy to do. I know he has had a shock and it will time for him to come back if that is what he wants. I love him and will not let him go hungry but I cannot make him want to get better.
He doesn't have any family here so I stepped in until the immediate crisis was over about two weeks. I was happy to do it until I started getting the impression that there wasn't an interest in participating in doing what was required to get out. A retreat on his part and this made me feel alone and helpless.
I decided that because I was the sole support that he didn't feel like had to really engage in what was happening. I felt I needed help and called his brother to come. Luckily he is a contractor and slow right now and he was able to come quickly. I called for back up with friends locally which I thought was healthy for me since I usually handle things on my own.
All of this has put a distance between us redefining our relationship. We have be friends for over 25 years now. It is a comfortable relationship but not intimate emotionally for the most part. We are similar in our spiritual beliefs and our time together is spent eating and talking about our daily lives.
I accepted a long time ago that this is the way we would be it is similar to many other relationships I have had. Starting with my Dad and my two long term ex's. Like our relationship indifferent to the fact that I have emotions and feelings. That just because I am extremely capable doesn't mean that I don't have needs or wouldn't like be thanked or feel appreciated every once in awhile. It is rarely that anyone ask me how I am doing and it seems I attract the kinds of relationship that don't acknowledge me.
I can admit that I don't exude neediness in anyway and I have learned to be fully self supporting declining outside contributions. My mother died when I was young and I learned that you are on your own so you just better get use to it. I don't attached too easily and since my last relationship I haven't gotten attached at all even to an animal.
I have taken care of a lot people in my life. In my personal life and even in my jobs mostly in the background making everything runs smoothly. Making sure everyone was getting there needs met. I was exhausted all the time for really decades. I am not that person anymore. I won't let bad things happen but I also won't give my life away to manage someone else.
With my friend we had a conversation in the hospital that sounded like dependency. Like we were going to do this together. I knew at that moment that I wasn't willing to be the sole support. This is when I felt I needed to call for help and back away. With in days of having other people evolved his spirits were better and he started to actually wanted to get out of the hospital.
His brother left this week and emotionally and physically he is on his own. I made some food and will see him today. Other friends locally have be visiting so he is not alone.
The truth is no one can go through these things with you. When I was sad only a few people were even willing to spend time with me. Healing takes time and people ultimately go back to their own lives. It is the nature of any crisis. We are left alone to accept what has happened.
He will be healthy again if he keeps eating. He does not have a disease and the only therapy he needs is eating which most people would be happy to do. I know he has had a shock and it will time for him to come back if that is what he wants. I love him and will not let him go hungry but I cannot make him want to get better.
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