Many years ago my ex came to me on Thanksgiving eve drunk and told me there was someone else. In the middle of preparing dinner for the crowd coming to our house the next day. This has made Thanksgiving less of a celebration for me. It doesn't help that I have been left twice on this holiday.
I had a little flashback tonight while I was cooking for my friend who needs to eat to save his life. I was preparing big batches of ingredients to assemble in to different soups and other dishes for next week. Standing with all the chaos that goes with large meals it felt familiar and that night came to me.
How I was in the zone and had everything down to a science and then there was those words. "I am in love with someone else"
In a moment life can change forever. I don't feel the pain from this story anymore. Even though I know that that moment and every moment since has changed me. I am sad but also relieved that I am no longer the dreamer I use to be. I was creating a life there making a home and adopting another persons family as my own. I thought I had created security.
I also felt like something was missing and everyone else seemed happy with things the way they were. Obviously not. I knew something wasn't right but when I asked I was assured that everything was fine.
That night I did ask once again "what is going on with you" With a few too many drinks for courage I for once got the truth.
I called off Thanksgiving. I left the kitchen and never touched one thing there again until I packed up the house and move two months later. This was progress because in the past I would have wanted to put on a good face for the crowd. I would have blamed myself somehow for what was happening.
I lost my love of the dream and my love of cooking that day. I don't imagine anymore there is a certain perfect life that you can achieve that will make you feel safe. I don't imagine that anything I have today will automatically be there tomorrow.
I don't worry so much now because I know I will deal with it no matter what. It might be really ugly and I might fall apart or it might be wonderful and a dream come true. That is how I live now and life is good.
I don't know that I will every love cooking the way I did before. I am still good at it and tonight I didn't hate it. I can use my skills to bring my friend back to life.
I don't blame my ex anymore. I never wished for one moment to be back there but I was devastated by the idea that I no longer knew where I belonged. I couldn't accept that there isn't really a safe place a happily ever after place. The girl who lost her mother at 11 wanted to believe in forever.
I have accepted that "this too shall pass" good or bad we can expect things to change and for people to change. There is no guarantees just the opportunity to find happiness each day. I am thankful for this day that I have been given and hope tomorrow I will have a chance to do it again.
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