Chunks of time - Living now - Uncertainty

I called my nephew last night to see how he was doing.  They are about to have their first baby and we are within days of the projected due date.  I wanted to see how they were doing emotionally they both have a lot of responsibilities plus they haven't been married but a few years and are still sorting out their places.

I fear that he is like his father living in his own universe not realizing that other people are experiencing things different than he his.  He has a lot of charisma and can talk anyone into anything and smooth over any situation.  I think he works hard at being what is expected and in the long run he will have to find out who he really is and what he wants. He wife is strong willed and will definitely challenge him along the way. When we are young we make everything so complicated trying to live up to the picture we have of ourselves or what we think other people expect of us.  These are just ideas in our own mind and not actually what other people are thinking most of the time.

During my call I stressed to him the importance of this moment with his wife the last time they will be top priority in their lives. Just to enjoy each day instead of wishing for tomorrow and for the arrival of a child that will change their relationship forever. It will be a happy change but change nevertheless.

My point is to not to live in the future.  The future in our mind is always better and happier than we imagine today is going to be.  I have always worked towards a goal or at the least worked to get past today's problem.  I would say "if only this would happen then things will settle down."  I missed big chunks of my life getting over what was happening today.

When you are in a crisis mentally or spiritually you can be lost in your thinking and really miss some important stuff going on.  I have pretty much always done this all my life thinking  that I would find that place of joy and peace around the next corner. The critic in me analyzing every situation looking to improve what is into something better.  If only this was happening instead of this or if they were different then things would be nicer.

I learned to tolerate life instead of living it.  A lot of the time I did see the abundance I had so much materially that I didn't feel that I dared ask for more even if I felt lonely and isolated. Compared to living with an alcoholic my last relationship was a never ending vacation.  I felt guilty wanting more emotionally and just kept my mouth shut. This is why it lasted as long as it did.

I don't believe in mistakes or regret because what is the point?  We learn from every experience and build from that hoping to make better choices next time and I did. I had a lot to overcome in my life emotionally with the death of my mother and having to raise myself.  I didn't know what I taught myself was wrong expecting that I could find something or someone out there that would make me feel permanently safe. After her death that is all I longed for was how I felt as a child before she died. Safe.

We can't changed the uncertainty of life.  We can imagine that we are safe in our relationships or our physical situation but that can change in a moment forever.  In this life in this day it is our responsibility to look around and see what is happening now and who it there now with us. To enjoy the gift of today.

Overall I have had a good life.  I have endured some pretty scary emotional things but I did come out stronger on the other side and I know that I can't worry or predict the next unhappy situation.  I can just trust that I will do what I need to do to make it through to the other side.  What I can do is appreciate the day and what I have right here in front of me.  All is well in this moment.

Blame - Grief - Voices

I had my weekly meal last night with my friends.  This has become a little more difficult with one managing a new diet after getting out of the hospital and the other managing changing symptoms of Parkinson's.  For months I have felt like the only able body person in the group and going out at the end of a long work week was something I had to prepare for instead of look forward to but last night was different. My friend with Parkinson's decided to make Pho a Vietnamese soup at her house.

He daughter an her husband are out of town for two weeks and she is enjoying the peace and quiet.  We all sat around the table and talked about a lot of things.  She confessed that she is depressed and that living with her daughter and her husband is too much but she feels trapped. We have never seen her like this before.

It seems like having them there is the perfect solution for her but there is a back story.  Her daughter and her husband are both recovering addicts. Both with seven years which is a miracle in itself and for that she is grateful. Recently the daughter was diagnosed with cancer and is currently in remission which is also great news.  Since her diagnosis she blames her mother for the fact that she was an addict and wasted her life being high. She constantly criticizes her when she is slow or makes a mess.

We all know when you start a program it takes a long time to grow up.  To see your part in how you got where you are and accepting that this is what you have to work with.  They have forgotten that she is physically sick too and at 78 can't be the person she was and needs encouragement instead of blame. I think with them gone the weight of the situation has really showed itself.

We don't get what we want in life and the older you get the more you have to accept it and do the grief work around it. We are lucky that we are still here but that has its on burdens.  We can spend our time with the "what ifs" and even see our own part even clearer.  It takes forgiveness and acceptance to see that we did our best even if it wasn't good enough sometimes.

Yesterday I did my own dumpster driving into the past. Since tomorrow would be wedding anniversary I decided to write a little about my ex-husband in my journal. He was the person that shoved me into recovery and for that I am grateful. I was free writing to see what came up.  It was an ugly story of co-dependency, drinking, controlling and adultery. I participated in two out of three of those.  I was severely depressed before he left because I was trapped in something I didn't understand and couldn't do anything about. I did get my freedom eventually even if it was forced on me.

The point of the writing I think was to see the truth of that situation instead of the faraway fuzzy romanticized version. Where I blame myself totally for that loss.  Sometimes I think if we had stayed together I would have had children and my life would be different now.  Since I was married to an alcoholic I might have children that blamed me for their addictions. 

For the three of us sitting at that table we all have things to grieve. My other friend is having to change his relationship with food and give his body nutritious food. He mentioned last night how expensive it is to cook healthy good food.  I know I was cooking for him until the end of the year. I have felt guilty backing away but I have my own life and he has to learn to love and take care of himself at some point.

Writing things down really helps me to see where I am emotionally. Right now I am in a good place accepting that I am alone but for the most part not lonely.  My life didn't turn out like I imagined it would.  It might actually be better than another route. 

I will keep a closer eye on my friend and I did ask her if she thought of anti - depressants and she said her Parkinson doctor gave her a prescription a year ago.  She got the bottle out and agreed she would call her doctor on Monday to check with her about taking them. I use to think all emotional problems could be solve with therapy but sometimes you need boost to deal with the day to day.  When you are in a better place you can ignore the voice in or outside your head that blames you for everything.

We only have where we are now to work with and being loving, kind and patient with ourselves is the only healthy option. One day at a time.