Blame - Grief - Voices

I had my weekly meal last night with my friends.  This has become a little more difficult with one managing a new diet after getting out of the hospital and the other managing changing symptoms of Parkinson's.  For months I have felt like the only able body person in the group and going out at the end of a long work week was something I had to prepare for instead of look forward to but last night was different. My friend with Parkinson's decided to make Pho a Vietnamese soup at her house.

He daughter an her husband are out of town for two weeks and she is enjoying the peace and quiet.  We all sat around the table and talked about a lot of things.  She confessed that she is depressed and that living with her daughter and her husband is too much but she feels trapped. We have never seen her like this before.

It seems like having them there is the perfect solution for her but there is a back story.  Her daughter and her husband are both recovering addicts. Both with seven years which is a miracle in itself and for that she is grateful. Recently the daughter was diagnosed with cancer and is currently in remission which is also great news.  Since her diagnosis she blames her mother for the fact that she was an addict and wasted her life being high. She constantly criticizes her when she is slow or makes a mess.

We all know when you start a program it takes a long time to grow up.  To see your part in how you got where you are and accepting that this is what you have to work with.  They have forgotten that she is physically sick too and at 78 can't be the person she was and needs encouragement instead of blame. I think with them gone the weight of the situation has really showed itself.

We don't get what we want in life and the older you get the more you have to accept it and do the grief work around it. We are lucky that we are still here but that has its on burdens.  We can spend our time with the "what ifs" and even see our own part even clearer.  It takes forgiveness and acceptance to see that we did our best even if it wasn't good enough sometimes.

Yesterday I did my own dumpster driving into the past. Since tomorrow would be wedding anniversary I decided to write a little about my ex-husband in my journal. He was the person that shoved me into recovery and for that I am grateful. I was free writing to see what came up.  It was an ugly story of co-dependency, drinking, controlling and adultery. I participated in two out of three of those.  I was severely depressed before he left because I was trapped in something I didn't understand and couldn't do anything about. I did get my freedom eventually even if it was forced on me.

The point of the writing I think was to see the truth of that situation instead of the faraway fuzzy romanticized version. Where I blame myself totally for that loss.  Sometimes I think if we had stayed together I would have had children and my life would be different now.  Since I was married to an alcoholic I might have children that blamed me for their addictions. 

For the three of us sitting at that table we all have things to grieve. My other friend is having to change his relationship with food and give his body nutritious food. He mentioned last night how expensive it is to cook healthy good food.  I know I was cooking for him until the end of the year. I have felt guilty backing away but I have my own life and he has to learn to love and take care of himself at some point.

Writing things down really helps me to see where I am emotionally. Right now I am in a good place accepting that I am alone but for the most part not lonely.  My life didn't turn out like I imagined it would.  It might actually be better than another route. 

I will keep a closer eye on my friend and I did ask her if she thought of anti - depressants and she said her Parkinson doctor gave her a prescription a year ago.  She got the bottle out and agreed she would call her doctor on Monday to check with her about taking them. I use to think all emotional problems could be solve with therapy but sometimes you need boost to deal with the day to day.  When you are in a better place you can ignore the voice in or outside your head that blames you for everything.

We only have where we are now to work with and being loving, kind and patient with ourselves is the only healthy option. One day at a time. 

Where is my mother? -Wanting

I realized today that I have spent most of my life wanting things that I didn't have.  This was true both in a material sense and a emotional sense. The ever elusive thing or situation that I thought would satisfy this inner longing that I had.

I thought this was normal and that it was my purpose in life to get those things. The trouble was that when I failed to get them I blamed myself. I was taught that if you put your mind to it then you can achieve anything.  This of course leaves out a big factor other people.

The problem with taking complete responsibility for your life and your circumstances is that when something doesn't work and there isn't a happy ending you feel life something is wrong with you.

You must keep working to improve yourself until you achieve the success you deserve. This is why self help and motivational speakers are so popular. Giving us the idea that we can control our destiny if we just keep a positive outlook. If we make a commitment to change ourselves everything will work our just like we want it to.

Everybody fails at one time or another even gurus and motivational speakers get divorced.  We don't have control of everything. We live our lives with other people who have their own will to do as they please with their life even if it affects us. Sometimes they don't have a choice it is their own destiny.

My mother died at 41 and this did altered my life in ways that I never imagined. I wanted what I thought I was missing every decade I was working towards finding that missing family. The child in me was sure that if I could find them I would be happy. I don't really remember my mother all that well. I have mostly memories of the whippings I got before she was sick.  I do remember good night kisses which kind of made up for it.

What I think I missed is in my imagination. She was strict and emotionally detached when she delivered those punishments. I knew I was a problem but I couldn't help myself I was curious and determined and when I made my mind up there was no stopping me.

I am still like that today. I realized today I have mothered myself my whole life and I must say overall I have done a pretty good job. I made a lot of mistakes but I did learn from them. In the early years I use to bully myself into doing what had to be done like my mother did with her punishments.

Today I am a beter parent I sit that little child down and explain why things have to be done the way they do and there is less rebellion. I list the benefits that might be achieved with good choices. On other occasions I give in and let her watch endless hours of TV and eat Hershey chocolate chunks. This goes a long way with to improve the trust between the two of us.

I don't miss my mother I miss the idea of what it would have been like to have a mother. I looked for her in every relationship.  I borrowed my in-laws when I had them and when they were gone more devastation for the child in me. In the program I found some mothering with my sponsor but in the end no one could satisfy what felt like was missing from my life.

I wanted to be somebody's priority and I believed that if I could find someone that loved me enough like my mother did, beatings and all, I would be happy. But everyone came up short compared to my imaginery mother.

Today I am celebrating the mother in me. I haven't been a perfect mother just like I suspect my mother wouldn't have been but a loving mother nevertheless. I can stop looking now and appreciate all we have been through together.

So today another breakthrough I have had a mother all this time. Someone that has brought me through the hardest time of my life. Someone that has helped me to mature finally to a point that I can be satisfied with myself and what I have accomplished.

Even with all that has happened to me I wouldn't have changed a thing. That isn't totally true I would have accepted less of the blame for being left behind. I wouldn't think there was something unlovable about.

I know I am a handful because I live with me. I can appreciate the endlessly curious unstoppable child that I am inside. This child has kept me going when nothing else could. I can be free to love and cherish what I have believed were flaws about me.

Happy Mothers Day to me.

Tomorrow never comes

I have pulled myself up by my boot straps today. I often heard this in my family and thought, why does your boots need straps? I am in the office and put on my old manager persona and started getting things done.

I am focusing on what will bring in income for the business first and directing the owner while he is cleaning up the showroom.

We have work close to contract and in a few weeks we will be less stressed so I am committed to focusing on what can be done. We can clean and get organized. It is free and adds value. Act as if, isn't that what they say in the program. It is the waiting that makes you feel like things will never change so being busy is a good distraction.

I have felt lost and overwhelmed this week. It looks like I am alone in my situation but looks can be deceiving. The owner mentioned today that Jesus might come soon and that will solve everything. He is right that would solve everything but just in case we should have an alternate plan. My partner is handling her stress by compartmentalizing everything so she won't go insane. I have seen her insane and it is not pretty so it is best I leave her be today.

I decided last night to give myself until the end of the month to grieve over my dog officially. That means that I will be extra nice to myself. I won't over commit and I will eat what I want and get plenty of rest. I had a big bowl of homemade macaroni and cheese last night and watched Idol. Two of my favorite things. I didn't feel guilty for carb loading and once the carb coma hit I was at peace with the world.

Sometimes I miss the old me, the take no prisoner me. I was unstoppable at least in my own mind. I am happier in my head than I use to be but living consciously can be tough sometimes. When you don't accept responsibility for your own life you can weep and wail about how unfair life is and who's to blame for it, that keeps you busy. Too bad once you are awake you can't go back to the blame game.

Came to believe a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Today this moment I am sane and not too worried about tomorrow. I can always do that when it gets here.

Darkness to Light to Darkness

What a difference a day makes. After my post about being in a great place I ended up not sleeping. I don't know whether it was exercise or caffeine or what but yesterday was pretty awful. Spiritually and emotionally I felt like I slipped back into darkness and fear.

I don't know where I am going these days, I always believed my life had a purpose and in moments of fear and doubt now, I am not so sure. I have made decisions in my life that have led me to where I am today. I don't blame anyone but myself for those choices. I get into trouble when I think, whats next? Is this it?

I look around and people are going on about their lives. My partner at work spent the entire day making a Christmas list for herself and her husband to give to her family. With specific item numbers. This seems so foreign to me and makes me feel like I am some kind of alien on the planet.

I thought about skipping the blog writing today given I am living in the shadows but the writing is about honesty.

I am grateful for many things in my life and I know this time of darkness will pass. I will find my way even if I think I am taking too long to do so. I actually feel better than I did last night but I called my counselor to get a reality check.

I beleive that at some point in time I will look back and understand what this time in life was suppose to teach me.

Memories and Music

With the holiday season upon us it is hard for me not to think about the people that are not with me this year some by choice and some because their time here on earth is over. My thoughts were there this afternoon while I listen to the one Christmas cd that I own.

The ones that are not with me by choice, how do I reflect on that without seeing it as a negative? I always want to blame myself in some way instead of accepting that nothing stays the same good or bad. People make choices for themselves and sometimes their choices can change the course of your life. Looking back now I can see for the most part I am better off. It doesn’t mean I don’t feel sad sometimes but mostly because I miss the feeling of being part of their lives. I struggle with the loss of the safety I thought I had in those relationships.

The loss of those people in my life that left not by choice. This really is about mostly my parents. Mainly my mother she died when I was 11 and this was a loss that also changed the course of my life forever. It is also why I have spent most of my life trying to create a safe relationship where I thought I belonged. Trying to be a part of someone else’s family doesn’t work and when they leave they take their family with them. I have realized, over the past year that my family consist of the people that have been there for me during a time when I thought I wasn’t going to survive.

Do we ever really know who will be in our lives this time next year we only have this season. I can choose to spend my time in regret or I can enjoy the day and the people that are with me now. For me and my family every day seems like a holiday. We make time for each other and I think this is what every one tries to do at this time of year. It is important but almost impossible to squeeze between Thanksgiving and New Years without a lot of stress