The Power of Now - Being Grateful

I picked up my old copy of The Power of Now just to see where I am on the spiritual spectrum.  This book helped save my life quite literally because he talked about the voice inside as the ego.  You have a listener and a talker up there whether anyone wants to admit it or not.

We stay so busy with listening to the talker we create a life in our head that isn't exactly the truth our personal version of the truth.  If that truth gets bad enough and you can't cope you  you have some sort of awakening. Also could be called a mental break of some kind. I think this happens when the version of life you had in your head doesn't match a hard punch of reality. 

Then the ego we created to run our lives is not use to being seen as helpless and just keeps pushing and trying to find a solution to the unsolvable problems until there is no place to go. For me it was a number of things mostly grief that I ignored - the loss of the life I thought I would have even if I wasn't happy there at least I thought knew where I was going.

I am awake now as in "the power of now" when I have too much time on my hands like I did over Thanksgiving I can drift into what I wish had happened instead of what happened.  This is great for my book but bobbing up and down in the cesspool of the past can leave me  rotten. I feel hungover and worse I feel dead inside.

When I went black before I was in this state everyday all day for what felt like years. I was a zombie just doing things that I knew I did before but not really sure why. When I feel this even for a day I panic and think it is back to stay but I wake up the next morning feeling normal or normal for me anyway. 

I didn't ask to have an awakening.  I did always want to be enlightened when I thought it meant peace a tranquility all the time. I didn't know without the burden a giant ego telling me all the time that I needed to being doing something better or I should be further along or happier that I would have so much time.  I still have that but only in small doses. 

Eckhart Tolle says that we would be better off without the idea of time. It would make us less anxious about everything.  I get that because we are always thinking about something other than what we are doing right now. I have decades I hardly remember because I was overbooked all the time. I felt like I was being chased and if I stopped it would be over and I was right.

I am happy most of the time unless I compare myself to other people's full lives and wonder what I did wrong. I talked to a guy at work yesterday and I told him I wasn't too busy and he said to enjoy it. He lost his wife last year and three sisters and a cousin so life is short and we should try to enjoy it. That made me stop feeling like I should be working harder and enjoy the freedom this season brings me. 

Bear at the back door - Towers

It seems I always start my post with a review of the week.  This post will be no different and I have to say this has been a particularly hard week with too much on my plate especially compared to how slow it was in July.  Most days 10 hours or more which leaves very little in the gas tank by Sunday.

That is all I have to say about that.  A line from Forrest Gump which I saw for about a minute yesterday that movie sometimes gets on my nerves.  I slept late hung over from my six day week thinking I would do my usual Sunday ritual and work in my yard but after putting on bug spray and walking around the yard here I am writing this post.

I did talk to my sister for a few minutes this morning using face time while I drank my coffee.  She had accidentally called me while carrying her tablet around the house.  We cut it short because she had to get ready for church.  We have started using face time to show each other our flowers and projects around the house.  I am not too keen to have her see my waking up and drinking coffee face.  My southern roots go deep and no one see you until you put your face on.  Anyway it was a nice short conversation her telling me a bear came to her back door this week. 

She lives in the mountains and apparently this is pretty common.  Their property is steep and no one lives above them and bears periodically stroll through the back yard.  In my world the only bears are the two legged kind. She said she would just make sure and lock the door when she lets the dog in and out from now on.  Good idea.

In my recovery from the week I watched Moonstruck last night.  Watching things over and over help still my mind.  I really don't need to be engaged in something new and I have found knowing what will happen next puts me into a more meditative state before going to sleep.

In the movie they show a beautiful picture of a harvest moon next to the twin towers.  It always makes me sad to see that part of the movie.  I think about how much has changed about our world since then.  In the movie there is a scene at the airport where he is picking up his bags before our current security.  They use to just make sure you had your bag. 

The other movie I watch regularly is Family Man.  I really like Nicolas Cage and he is in both Moonstruck and Family Man.  Ironically Family Man was filmed just before the towers went down.  He drives to the city in the snow on Christmas day and their they are a really beautiful shot.  It was common up until then to show a picture of the towers in movies so the watcher knows what city the character lives. Now the show the Chrysler Building.

We are coming up on the anniversary an we have as a country for the most part moved on.  What choice do we have?  Our time here is short and every day we need to take care of what is right in front of us.  Our family and friends even strangers that we meet each day showing kindness and tolerance along the way.  Spending our time doing things that bring us joy and peace. 

With our electronic connections to the world today it can seem overwhelming.  We might feel like there is no point in doing anything.  Bad things have gone since man was in charge it is no wonder the planet is trying to get rid of us. The difference now is that we know more of the details and it makes it real and our fear is it could happen to us.  We have to find our peace within our own lives.

Even though this may seem life a sad post it isn't really.  Life is good and I feel encouraged that we as humans can overcome most anything thrown at us.  We get into trouble when we spend our free time preparing for some disaster that will probably never come.  Life is randon and short we can't afford to waste the time we have.  That is all I have to say about that.

Chunks of time - Living now - Uncertainty

I called my nephew last night to see how he was doing.  They are about to have their first baby and we are within days of the projected due date.  I wanted to see how they were doing emotionally they both have a lot of responsibilities plus they haven't been married but a few years and are still sorting out their places.

I fear that he is like his father living in his own universe not realizing that other people are experiencing things different than he his.  He has a lot of charisma and can talk anyone into anything and smooth over any situation.  I think he works hard at being what is expected and in the long run he will have to find out who he really is and what he wants. He wife is strong willed and will definitely challenge him along the way. When we are young we make everything so complicated trying to live up to the picture we have of ourselves or what we think other people expect of us.  These are just ideas in our own mind and not actually what other people are thinking most of the time.

During my call I stressed to him the importance of this moment with his wife the last time they will be top priority in their lives. Just to enjoy each day instead of wishing for tomorrow and for the arrival of a child that will change their relationship forever. It will be a happy change but change nevertheless.

My point is to not to live in the future.  The future in our mind is always better and happier than we imagine today is going to be.  I have always worked towards a goal or at the least worked to get past today's problem.  I would say "if only this would happen then things will settle down."  I missed big chunks of my life getting over what was happening today.

When you are in a crisis mentally or spiritually you can be lost in your thinking and really miss some important stuff going on.  I have pretty much always done this all my life thinking  that I would find that place of joy and peace around the next corner. The critic in me analyzing every situation looking to improve what is into something better.  If only this was happening instead of this or if they were different then things would be nicer.

I learned to tolerate life instead of living it.  A lot of the time I did see the abundance I had so much materially that I didn't feel that I dared ask for more even if I felt lonely and isolated. Compared to living with an alcoholic my last relationship was a never ending vacation.  I felt guilty wanting more emotionally and just kept my mouth shut. This is why it lasted as long as it did.

I don't believe in mistakes or regret because what is the point?  We learn from every experience and build from that hoping to make better choices next time and I did. I had a lot to overcome in my life emotionally with the death of my mother and having to raise myself.  I didn't know what I taught myself was wrong expecting that I could find something or someone out there that would make me feel permanently safe. After her death that is all I longed for was how I felt as a child before she died. Safe.

We can't changed the uncertainty of life.  We can imagine that we are safe in our relationships or our physical situation but that can change in a moment forever.  In this life in this day it is our responsibility to look around and see what is happening now and who it there now with us. To enjoy the gift of today.

Overall I have had a good life.  I have endured some pretty scary emotional things but I did come out stronger on the other side and I know that I can't worry or predict the next unhappy situation.  I can just trust that I will do what I need to do to make it through to the other side.  What I can do is appreciate the day and what I have right here in front of me.  All is well in this moment.

Spaces - Being alone - stay cation

I took the week of the 4th off.  I decided at the last minute and figured that I had jury duty on Monday and the whole country was off on Tuesday and everyone else could live without me for the three remaining days.  The idea of being on my own for that amount of time up until now terrified me. I am not even that great for a long weekend too much time to think but this week was different.

I didn't plan anything unless you count jury duty which was planned for me.  Luckily they all decided to settle after we waited at the courthouse for a few hours.  We never actually made to the rooms where they question you trying to find out you prejudices. A judge came out and read us parts of the Declaration of Independence to fill our time while the lawyers were trying to settle things. I figure they all had plans for the 4th and just wanted to get out of there. We lucked out.

The theme for my week off was spaces.  I read once when hanging art that each piece should have a certain amount of space around it to let the viewers eyes rest and contemplate on what was in front of them.  This is what I did for the week I left space and time to just float around doing anything that might interest me.

Being a person with ADD in order to accomplish anything I have to stay focused on a specific task and put blinders on to keep the visual (shinny pennies) or auditory (conversation of others) at bay. I start something and I just stay with it until I am finished. It takes me longer sometimes but it works for me not to multi-task and on my best days I get it all done.

My point is the week I was off I just did what every task my mind was interested in even if it was only five minutes. It was pure joy just running from one thing to another without a plan. When I got tired I would sit on the porch and wait for the next urge. I planted - I cleaned - did some art - watch some TV and started a book.  I wasn't a hermit I spent the 4th with a friend - Friday shopping with a friend from work and Sunday hiking with a friend from the past.

It was the best stay cation ever for me.  I had considered going to see my sister but the timing did not fill right for me or for her. In my moments or spaces of contemplation I looked at the big picture of my life and felt happy to be me again.  It feels strange to be a better and stronger person than I was when I started this blog. I was wounded by life and I thought those wounds were permanent but this was a limited perspective. A wounded perspective that only time has healed.

I know there are a lot of people out there suffering like I did and when I meet them I know not to take their actions towards me personally. I don't know what they have endured that has made them who they are today but it has nothing to do with me. I can listen and if I need to I can stand up for myself this keeps resentments at bay. But mostly I can remember what I have been through and know that I haven't always been at my best either and hope they will find peace.

I feel lucky that my sub-conscious mind was always looking for a way out of my paralyzing depression and the years of self help and 12-steps stored there helped me to find my way back.

Today I am seeing the spaces in my life and deciding what I want to fill them with. Each day seems like a promise something to look forward to instead of something to fear. I am so grateful.

Triggers - Cunning baffling and powerful

I have let something at work get under my skin. It a circumstance that triggers my past of dealing with the addicted. My perception that those that have addictive personalities use their charm to break on the rules and do what ever they want even if it has a negative affect on other people.

It takes me back to my husband and how everyone thought he was the greatest man on earth.  People would tell me, especially women, how lucky I was that he married me.  He was charming and would say everything that everyone wanted to hear.  In public and in front of friends he was smooth and everyone loved him including me.

I accepted the task of taking care of our lives.  In our private life nothing ever got done unless I did it. He made big promises and little promises and it didn't matter how important they were they were never kept.  He meant it with all his heart when he made them but mostly I think this was instinct a way to smooth things over temporarily and I so wanted to believe him.  A skill I think he developed at a young age living in a house with active alcoholism.

My own sickness was my eagerness to take care of everyone and make things run smoothly.  I did feel lucky that a guy so popular and that everyone loved would be interested in me. The truth was our life together was one crisis after another.  We didn't have the skills to deal with adult problems and he turned to alcohol when he couldn't deal with life.  I turned to managing crisis he created it was full time job.

I spent all my time trying to get him to do what he said he would do.  To shape him into the person I knew he wanted to be. Really he told me that he wanted to do better and provide for me.  When he turned thirty he told me how he was disappointed that he was not further along and couldn't give me the things I deserved.  How could you not love a person like this.  Of course by then he was on his second affair also a part of alcoholism progression.

This relationship made me complete nuts mostly because I thought I could make a difference.  It was obvious that he needed to just do what he promised.  It also made nuts that no one could see how what he was doing was ruining our lives.  He always said and did the right thing in public and his drinking friends thought I was a controlling bitch.  One to me that we didn't belong together.

What does this have to do with work. My co-worker was put in charge or qualifying customers and then passing them on to us. This was a great help at first but over time they have stopped being that interested. They also promised the customer anything and then handed them over to one of us to deliver the reality of our world.  Then the past few months I stopped really getting very many leads. They went on vacation and that week I got so many new customers I couldn't keep up.

What really got me going was they started taking on new customers for themselves.  In my mind a conflict of interest when they are speaking to everyone that comes in the store. No one has a problem with this except me because they have enough referrals and I am still establishing myself.  Also this person comes and goes as they please leaving early, calling regularly and saying their car has broken down and calling in sick.  I think they are working on these other jobs.

I thought to myself "why is this making you so crazy?"  my answer is that someone is coming between me and my ability to take care of myself. I have turned my happiness over to someone else. The part about them getting away with all the other stuff is related to my past. Everyone loves this person and no matter what they do they can do no wrong.  This makes me crazy.

I finally decided to remove the real problem for me.   I told them for my shifts I would take the calls and meet the customers and so far business is booming. Only two shifts. What they are doing outside what affects me is none of my business.  I don't want to spend anymore time thinking about them or what they are getting away with.  This is my past feeling from living with an alcoholic an thinking it was my responsibility to make them do right that takes me straight to crazy.

They are mad at me and as expected turned this around this around to be my problem. They are right is is my problem and I have solved it for myself. When you have lived with a cunning, baffling and powerful disease and recovered you can see things that others can't see.  You also have to ability to step back and see where those feelings are coming from. You can't avoid triggers but you can see them for what they are just ghost from the past. I don't have to give into to crazy.

Painting over the past - No regrets

I have had a productive break and have transformed my house.  I am not sure where this blast of energy came from but I am grateful for it.  I have been tired and my house has been tired too. I felt like I couldn't make a decision about anything so it didn't. The timing just wasn't right I guess.

My design philosophy even before I knew what the word meant was if you don't like where you are and you can't move then work with what you have.  As a kid I got bored with the four walls and my mother would let me do whatever I wanted as long as she didn't have to get involved and it didn't cost any money. A designer was born.

Changing your space can lift your spirits instantly.  Along with the kitchen and powder bath face lift yesterday I painted midnight blue on one wall in my living room . With the rest of the walls white it really makes the furniture pop. I love color.

This change came about after a I purchased a used oriental rug for the dining room.  Painting gave me the opportunity to look at everything see everything in the room up close and personal.  Everything needed a serious cleaning and I ended up re-staining the baseboards and well as giving the furniture a good scrub down.

Even though I have done some things around the house over the years it has been out of necessity and not out of joy. I have mostly rejected this house since I moved here.  I didn't unpack for a long time and I wouldn't even shop at the nearby grocery store. I thought "I don't belong here."

My heart was broken and my life as I knew it was over.  Luckily I have always had divine guidance in my life someone that has kept me from bad decisions and that someone helped me find the perfect house.  Even though I was totally out of my mind I was able to find this house. My friend and my realtor both called me about this house on the same day and it was empty and move in ready.  It had everything on my wish list without exception.

While painting yesterday I was actually able to listen to a few Cd's that my ex and I use listen to all the time.  All the words I know by heart and they gave me comfort instead of pain for the first time.
Those Cd's represent a time when we were close a piece of my life that will never be again. I didn't feel any sadness just acceptance and now it all seems so far away. One song says "time heals the wounds that love made."

How much time nobody can tell you. My personal situation was stretched out by a number of things maybe one being my total emotional shutdown or denial that life as I knew it was over. Even if I really wasn't happy in the life I had before I didn't sign up for this or did I?

I think I can say with confidence that I have recovered. I have returned to a whole person I no longer have pieces missing like I did before.  I can celebrate that I have survived another one of life's trials and I am back on top.

I know my story is isn't unique many people have be left by the one they loved. The difference is that it happen to me at a time when I had just started to trust that it was real this time. It only took me 13 years to relax a little bit.  I know I was my best in that relationship and there was nothing more that I could have done to make it turn out differently.  I have no regrets.

I am happy to feel good for a change and I am ready to go back to work tomorrow. I have spent the holidays working on accepting my home.  After eight years I have decided that I am going to stay. I going to give my house the love that it deserves.  The last bit of healing.

Filling and killing time

Acceptance is place I want to be these days but I can't seem to get there. The angst I feel has to do with thinking I should be somewhere else other than where I am now in my life.

Isn't this an age old human problem, never being satisfied. It is a luxury I know. If I had to spend my days hunting and gathering I would be too tired to think about what is lacking in my life. But with a protein bar in my stomach and work piling up on my desk I am taking this moment to feel unsatisfied with where I am in my life.

I know this is a time of thanksgiving and gratitude but I am just not there. I really don't want to make a gratitude list or think of all the hungry people in the world. Please don't tell me I need a gratitude meeting.

Don't get me wrong I have am thankful for a lot of things. But I am restless right now and nothing seems to sooth my spirit. Is it because at this time of year everybody seems to have a plan. I use to be the plan maker but I gave up and for that I am grateful. Ok, maybe I should start a a gratitude list. Yuck.

So I am drifting and waiting for these feelings to pass. My greatest fear is they won't and I will feel like this forever. I know I will get over it it is just that time of year for me.

My friend says just accept that I am going to feel crappy until this month is over and she is probably right. So I am riding it out and trying not to take my feelings too seriously.

Watching Too Much TV

I am from the first real generation of kids raised on TV. My first recollection of TV was a really scary Vincent Price horror movie when I was about 4. My mom had left the TV on while she was cleaning house and even though I had never ending nightmares after that, I was really hooked.

In our house my mom was the strict disciplinarian and my father was passive and really served as vocal back up. So we had rules about how much TV we could watch and we could pick one hour of shows a day. I agonized over which ones and would try to negotiate more time with chores or give various elaborate justifications for why I should have more time. This never worked and I had to settle for just two shows.

When she got sick we spent most of our time in hospital waiting room and watched a lot of TV and drank lots of soda. The TV was my friend and kept me busy while the life I thought I could count on slipped away. Towards the end and after she was gone I watched sometimes six hours or more of TV when I got home from school.

I hear people talk about how much time kids spend in front of a screen of some kind today and how they are being ruined by that and I think about all the time I spent there. Even now when I use TV to occupy me, soothe me and kill time when I want to escape. I do get bored with it sometimes but it is still my friend and with TIVO I can watch my favorite shows any time and more efficiently.

So tonight I am policing myself and have turned the tube off to spend time in front of another screen. So maybe the damage was permanent.