I have spent most of my life loathing who I am mainly because I am analytical and seemed wired for just looking at every thing that isn't quite the way it should be including myself. Order has always been a destination for me. If I can just get things in order I will be ready to tackle the big stuff.
I can sit down in a clean organized space materially and really get something done. At least this is what my more intense OCD part of me would like to believe but it is just not true. This kind of order doesn't exist in this world. I did visit a garage recently that looked like an operating room. You can have the illusion of order but it takes a lot of time and money and doesn't make you happy.
On the spiritual front I think it is another form of control. It is acceptable and everyone would like to be that neat and orderly but life is messy even if you can eat on your garage floor.
The spouse of the garage owner is a very angry person it felt oppressive to be in their home. It was beautifully decorated and everything was perfect but there was an elephant in the room. This is when I wish I hadn't taken the red pill like in the Matrix movie. I can see the pain in others so clearly and wish sometimes that I didn't. In the past I would try to help but people have to find their own way out. Sometime it has to be a lot of pain to make you move forward.
I have always been able to see the pain in others. Even as a child I remember questioning the behaviors of others and wondering why they were so unhappy. Seeing just so clearly their suffering and asking questions that got me in a lot of trouble. My daddy called it the spirit of discernment.
We all feel trapped in our lives and our pain from time to time. We really think that we have no choices when it is that we are not ready for the consequences of the choices we need to make. Staying too long in a marriage or a job. Living with a controlling verbally abusive person who knows your fears and uses words to keep you from having the courage to move on. This situation can make you think you have no choice. That was my first marriage.
In my second marriage it was the opposite but sometimes just as painful. I lived with someone that didn't even see me. As long as I did everything to make things run smoothly and didn't change one thing then it was great. The truth was I was happy to be invisible left alone to entertain myself I was comfortable in that role. It was the opposite of my relationship the the explosive alcoholic and my childhood. In both cases I knew I was less likely to get in trouble if I was invisible.
I stayed because I imagined that there wasn't anything better and weeks turn into months and months turned into years and I felt like I had invested too much time to leave. Besides what did I have to complain about ? I felt safe and I was use to the pain so I just stayed busy to avoid thinking about it. I was happy that someone would have me and worried that I would end up alone. It felt great compared to my last relationship even if I felt alone most of the time.
Of course I blamed myself for the choices I made but that doesn't help. I made the choices I made because of where I was at that moment in my life. I made that choice because I hadn't grown spiritually enough to see that I was repeating the past. I married my daddy the second time.
A kind peaceful man that emotionally wasn't there ever. He only got attached to his wives and his religion nothing else existed. He had great wisdom to offer strangers but if you were related to him you had to accept that he wasn't capable of really seeing you. I loved him so much and before my mother died we were inseparable. When my stepmother came alone I no longer existed.
I guess my point is that we make the choices we make for a reason. I think it is mostly because the person or the situation seems familiar. Even if I hadn't married my father the second time it would have been someone that would have been similar. That relationship felt good for a long time and I got to understand what it would be like to be my mother.
I am not sure how I got here today in the post but I can feel a little healing for myself. I am like my daddy in many ways. Offering hopefully good advice to strangers. He fell in love with my mother and her religion. He told me once that when he went to that first prayer meeting that he knew it was what he had been looking for all his life. I figured he was attracted to the emotional freedom of the Pentecostal church. He grew up in a home where no one was allowed to have feelings except his abusive father. The kids stayed silent at all cost.
We all have things to understand about ourselves and the choices we have made. We can't believe there is anything really wrong with us. It important to find out what thoughts we have about ourselves that keep stuck and hurting ourselves. I am at a place where I know what thoughts have caused me pain and I just want to be happy.
I have reached the end of my spiritual quest. I am glad I have stopped thinking I need to change to be happy I just need to enjoy today and my freedom from not being enough.
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