Sometimes I can really get in trouble when I start analyzing my life. I like being happy and I am really starting to get use to it. I had a particularly unhappy week at work. I lost my sense of peace. This happens to me when I feel like I have put a lot of effort into something and it doesn't work out. With work that means I didn't get a job that I have invested a lot of time in.
When I do my best and don't get too attached to people or outcomes I keep my peace. If I want something too much I feel a great loss when I don't get it. This is when my mind tells me I am not in the right job or even relationship. I start comparing myself to others peoples outside success. At work I have never thought of myself as a natural born salesperson. I have to be authentic and when I am not it makes me feel bad some people appreciate this but the majority would prefer to be razzled and dazzled.
This is where I always feel like an outsider because I really am outsider. I want to fit in but it feels dishonest to pretend I am something I am not. Customers bring their lives to the table and sometimes that it very stressful for me. Over the years I have learned not to get too attached to the outcome or the customer. I get too invested because I like them or because of the potential income from the job.
This just makes me feel trapped and desperate to close the deal. Sometimes when I like someone too much and they do something that disappoints me I feel frustrated with myself for getting too involved. I do feel like it is my fault because I can usually spot the people that mostly don't consider sales people as people. They don't appreciate the investment of time and energy that I put into the design process and it is only about the lowest bidder.
What this week has shone me is that I need a fuller life outside of work. I have put too many eggs in one basket and I need something more. I love what I do creating new spaces for people and I mostly love the people I work for and with even if it sometimes doesn't work out.
Yesterday I met with a woman who said to me "I have met with several people and I just kept coming back to you because you have a kind spirit." The people that are nice and thoughtful never really get the attention they deserve and in this case I am talking about the customer not me. The draining ones are the ones you remember and talk about. It isn't right is it?
I have recovered from the week and made plans to visit a museum with a friend today instead working in the yard. Trying to change things up a bit. I also am planning on visiting a church in my neighborhood tomorrow. I would like to get more involved in my community. It is an denomination that is unlike my own upbringing but they seem open and friendly to all types of people from their videos on face book so we shall see.
Grabbing on to people or outcomes of any kind can only set you up for disappointments. Also when you have a bad week and you feel unhappy it can give you the opportunity to step back and commit to making changes. Even small changes can make you feel just a little bit more alive.
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