Seasons of life - Reflection - Gratitude

I am feel like I have come out on the other side of my grief period.  The winter months have a lot of history for me and no matter whether I acknowledge it or not it is there in the back ground.  This year it was front and center from Thanksgiving to my mother's death anniversary the 15th.  In my mind I am thinking "get over it" but that isn't always possible. 

I don't really sit back and dwell on the events it just is an underlying sadness. Working with my ex has brought it front and center.  Just like in our relationship we are polite and pretending there is nothing unusual going on.  "Lets Just Pretend"  this can make a relationship last a long time. I tried to break through this for years but every effort ended badly me feeling like I was the villain and caused pain and suffering by wanting more.

My dad was just like that he wanted everything in Pleasantville to be pleasant. How can you complain when you have only peace in your home.  I can remember my mother trying to force my dad to give his opinion but he never did.  He would give you a string of facts about any subject he had knowledge about to help you make your decision. I loved my daddy but he seemed faraway even when he was right there with you. 

So I met someone like my dad. It was a good relationship and I felt secure there for a long time but I was lucky that I was forced to move on even if it feels like I haven't sometimes.  I am not that person so many years ago. It was a season of my life where I stayed busy with life until it hit a bump and everything I thought was important got taken from me and I had to choose whether to live or not.  

It took me a long time to decide. I didn't know who I was anymore and didn't trust myself anymore after choosing the wrong person for the second time. I lost the person I was and had to decide what to do next. A forced spiritual awakening that I don't recommend to anyone. It was necessary for me to come back to myself and love myself whether anyone else did or not. I stayed in a relationship where I was lonely because I thought who am I to want more.  

I don't believe in regret - what's the point? Every moment of our lives shapes us into the person we are today. I could make a long list of how my life would be different in a bad way without that relationship. I am grateful and mature enough at this point to see that. 

What I should want - Being normal

It is Thanksgiving and I have opted to be alone. This is some scary stuff inside the head because it messes with all those insecurities that our society gathers around holidays. In my mind it says "look what has become of you - your life is a failure - you have nobody".

In the program it has a saying " you mind is like a bad neighborhood never go there alone". If I step back and ask myself am I a failure? The answer is no I am happy to be on my own doing things that I love. My self worth is not tied to making sure I have people around me.

If you have been here before you know I have hosted literally hundreds of group invents over my life and a lot times I have felt alone and more like a caterer than someone participating in a something I was a part of. This is who I am and now that I don't feel like I have to live up to the picture in my head I can relax and appreciate being me.

I got two invitations at the last minute one that surprised me last night a coworker called and offered to let me join her family. The other an old friend that was a part of my life when I first found the 12 steps. I just can't do it anymore be somewhere just to prove to myself that I belong. I have seen her one on one a few times lately and this is what I prefer. A more intimate moment with good conversation.

It doesn't help that I am not food focused anymore.  I don't long for those special dishes that I use to make for other people. Is it wrong to not go because I don't want to be there? Does this make me anti social. Someone at work said they were staying home instead of making the five drive the usually make to be with her husband's family. She can be with her own family this year. Doing things because we have always done them is easy. Our brain loves "the same" it is harder to choose again because it feels awkward. 

I only feel bad about myself when I say "a normal person wouldn't want to be alone on a holiday".  The normal ship has sailed a long time ago. I have spent my whole life trying to figure out where I fit in creating a life the I thought looked like a normal life and being unhappy most of the time. I would tell myself "you should be happy - you have the life that other people would be envious of"  I didn't feel the joy I was suppose to have. 

I find on most days now I am singing out loud. I might not be excited about what is on my to do list but I don't feel trapped anymore. If I am unhappy it isn't because there is some magical place in the future that will eliminate this.  I can just decide what to do next or if I want I can choose to do nothing. 

I am working on my book once again. One day last week I got up and pulled it from a basket and read through it. I was inspired to add to it and work on organizing it. It is difficult because even though it will be fiction it is filled with my own memories. It makes it hard to continue without taking an emotional break.

I am thankful today for having all day to myself to be creative. I once heard a monk say they spent 6 months of the year alone. I could never do that I just want to spend time with people that have good energy.  I feel like I have spent too many holidays having the life drained out of me because I thought I had to because this is what normal people do. 

I think Covid has changed us all to want more meaning in this short life we have on this earth. It make sense to me that the younger generation doesn't want to work so hard. This will work itself out and a balance will be found work can give you joy.  It has taken me a lifetime to do what I want instead of what I think I should want.  Happy Thanksgiving.

Spiritual Awakening - Being empty

Last weeks post that didn't get published...

I woke up late today and took my coffee out to the porch.   I heard a loud screeching noise from a flock of birds.  It is very wooded in the back and I noticed a large owl sitting on a branch with dozens of birds flapping around him.  He didn't look like he was that interested and was ignoring them. I wondered what it would be like to get that kind of reception where ever you went. 

We are different from the animals in that we have psychological feelings and the animals don't. I am guessing the doesn't sit around and thinking "why don't these birds like me?"  Maybe asking their mate "what can I do to be more liked?"  She might reply "stop eating there children for a start." 

I think we are the only ones plagued by self awareness and are worried about what other people think of us. We really mostly care about our inner circle but in general we expect everyone to like us. My mother taught me early on that not everyone would like me.  Mostly because we were persecuted Pentecostals.  It was expected that children of God would be outsiders in this world and not understood by the world.

I was comfortable with being on the outside for many reasons. I did help that I could lean on the religious angle to back me up.  It definitely didn't help the way I dressed and the fact that I couldn't participate in the dance session we had every Friday. 

It is funny now that I don't really fit in with the God's chosen group either. I never could buy the whole story that we had the answers and everyone out there was going to burn. I remember asking my daddy "what if we are wrong and those other churches are right?"

 It didn't make sense to me that we would be the lucky ones and all the other nice people were doomed. He was not happy with my many questions and it was the beginning of me having to choose between us and them.

I have lived my life on the fence which is a very insecure place. I haven't been able to believe without question anything really. I can always see the merits of both ideas if you are in the chosen group what better way to feel safe and secure.  It doesn't explain when bad things happen to good people. The story of Job it is all just a test. The holes in all the different  beliefs are the same.

I do believe we all have a spirit and some carry negative energy with them. Their brain has locked in on some event and they are stuck. Eckhart Tole said that he was so stress and agitated that is mind just couldn't take it anymore he had a spiritual awakening.  This is a story many people tell about there spiritual awakening. 

I have experience this myself I had a steady obsessive mind manically looking for the answer to my unhappiness and the negative self talk just kept searching for the answer and then there was nothing. One day I just woke up empty and calm and I have been that way ever since.

I read about this medically that when the brain reaches a point it can't function it basically snaps to protect it'self. I couldn't function any longer where I was and I needed a correction. It felt like nothing I had experienced before. Someone said to me pointing to some books I bought "the person that bought those books is gone aren't they?"  "Yes" was my answer I have no doubt that who I was before "the awakening" has been replaced.

First replaced by nothing and then slowly moved back to the person I was as a child. Without the imprints of sorrow and loss that being human lays upon you. It is an awkward place to be because you can see easily where others are because you have been there but you know you can't really help them. I want to shout "it isn't real" the pain you feel you are causing yourself with the words in your mind. 

I feel like the owl in the tree today just doing my own thing while birds are flying around me screeching. I don't even hear the screeching anymore. I care deeply that others suffer and offer words of encouragement but when your mind is in chaos - you can't hear me - I can't save you.

I do believe those that become addicted probably have a mind like mine.  One that can only be tamed with some kind of substance. It only works temporarily and then you want more. The answer I think is recognizing it is both physical and emotional and dealing with both sides of that is the only answer.  

Art - Finding freedom within

I have been feeling pretty great since I started back doing some art. When this happens I always want to analyze it and ask why now and why art? About six months ago I contemplated packing up all my supplies and getting rid of them. I told myself "you will never feel inspired to do that again". 

This wasn't really in a bad way but I thought maybe I was holding on to a part of me that wasn't there anymore.  Maybe I was ready to move on. I have bought tons of supplies over literally decades and done nothing with them. A moment of inspiration where I imagined myself sitting down and painting or drawing. I could never bring myself to find the joy I knew growing up where creating was all I wanted to do.

When I was child even before my mother got sick I was exiled to our basement and I created non stop. In high school I turned to art as an outlet for the pain I felt being used by my family as a their personal live in servant. Art was freedom and the other students mostly outcast and mostly high were not judgmental and I was just another person struggling through life.

The art world in general can also be competitive and we were all divided into two categories by the teacher talented and not so talented. I am my own worst critic and I could see that I belonged in the second group.  I took this to heart but it was confirmed when two of us were asked to paint the backdrop for our school play. We spent days on it a bright beautiful and colorful sunset only to find that when the curtain was raised someone talented had painted a sad gray sky with boats. 

I dropped out of art after that. Our art teacher should of told us but she was in her 20's and probably couldn't face us. My thoughts about myself had been confirmed I wasn't good enough to be an artist. 

It always amazes me how we internalize the things that happen when our brain is still forming and how adults have no idea how their actions and words can change lives for better or for worse. 

I feel free these days like I have never before.  I have accepted that I am that girl in the basement creating non-stop. I have tried to be many other things to fit into this world but nothing really stuck.  I have to create and I do that with my work and I can visit the outside world while I am doing it. It has taken me forever to accept who I am and enjoy everyday.

We can see that the world we have created in our head is mostly fiction and can be re-written to reflect the life we want for ourselves now. We can forgive others for their careless words or thoughtless actions that changed us.  We can forgive ourselves for internalizing these things and believing them for the decades that followed. It is our own voice that decides to give those words meaning. 

I woke up at 7 this morning made myself an espresso and have drawn one portrait and completed one pen and ink drawing. I am no longer holding myself back and carrying around the voices of my childhood in my head. I am happy to be the girl in the basement creating.  

Art and the creative process is healing and I believe a form of meditation. I can let go and just let it all out. 

  

The punishment of being me - What is wrong with me

I have always been a person that needed to know how things work and more importantly why. I have spent most of my life lost in this search for answers and a general understanding of my world. Feeling like an alien in this world an wondering what is wrong with me.

I didn't ask for the brain I got but it is the one that I have to live with. I have spent most of my life asking myself  daily  "what's wrong with you?" This began early when I just wasn't interested in the mundane routine of our household. My mother in frustration ended up just banishing me to the basement to entertain myself and I happily did.

When I got to school it got much worse.  I remember standing in the hall the first week of school without a clue of what I had done wrong. My teacher was a college friend of my mothers so this was going to be ugly when I got home. 

I didn't try to fix myself until after my mother died. Until then I had learned to accept the punishment for being me and took it all in stride. When my dad remarried there was psychological  punishment for being me. Before being physically punished just seemed like part of my routine and I didn't really see the connection between my behavior and the punishment.

This is where the self loathing began. In my logical mind I did everything everyone told me to do as perfectly as I could and still it was not good enough. I was not good enough was and without my mother I was isolated with people who did not love me an made sure that I understood that every day.

I did leave which was the best thing still but I knew something wasn't right about me. All of my relationships were with guys that had a lot of their own issues of not belonging. They drank they had anger problems and I understood this and I knew could help them. 

I started my road to recovery through the 12 steps and it helped me discover the me in my head that would never be happy. I thought this was spiritual and could be fixed with prayer and meditation and it definitely helped. I stopped taking myself so seriously and I became "my brothers keeper" I stayed so busy I didn't have time to listen to the voice in my head.

This works until it doesn't and I burned out. I was at the bottom thinking again "what is wrong with me?"  I have come back from this but my life is empty of the people that I supported who could not support me. It is okay I did this to myself the caretakers and those that need to be taken care of are two different personalities. 

I have learned through all the years that it is just the brain I was given.  There isn't anything wrong with me because I am not like other people.  I could pretend but that takes too much effort. I do realize that I can do things that change my brain that is based on pure science. I can also take care of my body knowing that what I eat affects my emotions more than I ever imagined it could.  I don't like it but it is not worth trading in happiness for sugar. 

I guess my point is you have control over 80% of what goes on in your head. The brain is bent towards fear naturally more for some than others. The primal fear of being someone's meal. We create a path in our brain early in our childhood and our brain chooses this path over and over again because it is easy.  We have to make new paths with daily out loud proclamations to over write these old paths. This really works. 

Writing here helps me to see where I have been and how far I have come. I do get lonely sometimes for the distraction of chaos but there is still enough to show me that it isn't what I want. I am re-inventing myself or just returning to who I was as a child. I have pulled out all of my art supplies and doing something ever day. Even when I would prefer to binge watch something.  The path of my child hood a well worn path. 

Staying in the flow - Accepting where I am

I have felt on the up swing the past week even with hearing the news that in didn't get for the Master Gardner program. They said  they had double the usual applicants since they didn't have it last year. I am sure I am probably one of the few with a full time job.  I didn't take it personally and figured that the timing wasn't right.

Since I started my spiritual journey I have focused on flow. Someone described this as putting your boat into a stream and letting the water do the work. You can only do this when you can resist wanting something and trying to force it to happen. In the old days I spent every waking hour trying to manipulate something or worse trying to manipulate someone working every angle.

I thought this was being smart and worse I thought I was helping people. You can't really help people learn what it is they have to learn. You can support and comfort them but no one can go down the road we must travel we have to go alone. We long for it to be easier or to know the future but we this isn't possible. We can choose to let go or we can exhaust ourselves preparing for the wrong thing. It is never what we think it will be.

I been in mourning the past month and I feel some deep inner changes occurring. I heard someone say that life's natural rhythm makes changes every seven or ten years.  That has been true for me re-inventing myself or sometimes being forced to re-invent myself. 

I have accepted the mourning period and know that we are always dealing with the reality of where we are and with age we can see clearly what we have lost and acceptance is slow. We can decide not to waste anymore time on the past and decide what to do with the rest of our lives. This is freedom.

I feel like I am preparing for something spiritually. I do think that subconsciously we are always working things out. Our inner spiritual self knows what needs to be dealt with and our conscious self never gets to whole picture. We have to trust God or the universe that we are going in the right direction.

We have to take care of ourselves and not judge ourselves. What we know about energy and how we don't have clear boundaries between us makes it easy for me to understand why we feel the ups and downs without knowing why. 

The turmoil of the what the whole world has experienced the past year effects us all. We are all in it together and the only way to find peace is to focus on inner peace. Be kind and respectful to those you interact with every day especially the ones closest to us. We can't know when our time together will be over.  

Someone has to leave - Embracing Sadness - Grief

I was watching TV and heard the owls calling back and forth and decided to go out on the porch to listen. They called back and forth a few times and then one called out and the other one didn't. It made me think of relationships and how they sometimes just stop and one person calls out and the other one doesn't answer and it is over.

I have been in a spot of grieving for whatever reason. It is good sometimes to stop and grieve but most of the time life really doesn't give you that luxury.  I passed the man who lost his wife a few weeks ago in the hall and said hello. He smiled as he always does trying to appear like his life wasn't in shambles.

We all do this we run from grief and bury ourselves in the next thing. It makes other people more comfortable than showing them we are not alright. No one wants to know you feel sick and that you can't imagine waking up another day with yourself.  

We are no match for grief you can run fast and hard but not forever. Someone I knew told her husband that I should just get over my grief when I lost the life I thought I would have. He left her the following year and I am sure she understands better now. It is hard to lose it all at once just like death you are left with a shell of of life. You are starting from scratch. 

I know death is worse than the ending of a relationship but is it? How do wrap your head around someone choosing a life without you. Deciding that no matter what you gave to the relationship it wasn't enough and you weren't enough. How do you decide that you are enough when clearly you weren't. I do think if I had made different choices then maybe I wouldn't be alone now. 

It has been along time since my breakup and it seems ridiculous that I still have grieving to do. I think the last year coupled with the pandemic being over has made really think about what I am going to do with the rest of my life. Maybe triggered by recent funerals. 

I can't change the past and the decisions I made or decisions other people made that affected me. I think it is okay to grieve from time to time. I imagined a different life for myself but I have to work with what I have. I don't regret anything at this point but as time goes on I want to find happiness for myself.

I went for a check up today and discussed my recent sadness.  My doctor suggested trying hormones and I agreed. I will never be as sad as I was before and I compare any depression to that now and it isn't even close. Some grief and sadness from time to time is normal if you are not staying so busy you just push it down. It will bubble up in anger or sickness so it is best to just let it out.

I am not afraid of sadness anymore because I have been there and come back.  I can face it without fear and know that it will pass and if I embrace it it will pass quickly. I am going to be kind to myself instead focusing on making it go away.  

Snakes and Swampy places - Depression

I have written five drafts that never got posted because I have had a number of weeks of ups and downs bordering on depression.  A sense of underlying sadness that I can't really contribute to anything in particular.

I did have my minor oral surgery and they did use twilight at my request so maybe that messed with my brain.  My sleep has been disturbed since I had the second vaccine but I can't be sure that either one is causing my mood change.  I have noticed on the nights of good long sleep I am my old self again.

With depression time can seem to go on forever when I am locked in the repetition of bad thoughts in my head.  The occasional negative comment from myself to myself is normal but when I go to familiar repetitive places of the past I feel like I am back on the old race track going around and around with no option to get off.  

In the midst of all this I have been cleaning out my jungle in the back yard.  This is not an exaggeration I live on a small inlet off the river. It is a circle with maybe ten houses on it. The oak trees and miscellaneous vegetation is so densely packed in that you cannot see the other houses. 

We all own a pie shaped piece that grows non stop and not easily tamed. Once a new owner  spent weeks and used serious machinery to fight back the vegetation and within a few months it was back and no one has tried since. It will never be a suburban backyard. 

I have started clearing my own piece of the pie.  There are snakes and mud back there where the river water ebbs and flows. I have put on my knee high Hello Kitty galoshes armed with my hand saw and started pruning. I was surprised that after the first four hours I could really see the difference. I have a high porch because the house sits on the hill. The front of the house at street level I can almost see the water from the porch. 

I am really looking at my neighbors water view. Just like me the last ten years for her has been full of heartbreak.  Her husband had severe heart problems and passed two years ago. She has done even less maintenance than me and when I moved here the side of their house was covered with vines.  We have zero lot lines and the side of her house is the right side of my driveway. In my compulsiveness I slowly removed them.

Clearing the back reminds me of what it is like to recover from something. It reminds me of being so lost that you can't imagine things could or will ever be different. It is a slow process healing from life's devastation. Losing someone or losing the life you thought you would have can leave stuck for a long time. 

It can't be done quick like the guy that spent so many weekends clearing everything. It is really about just starting somewhere that makes the view a little better. With one nine each blade and determination I can see the water and the possibilities. I can say to myself that I am not where I was before even if I experience a set back.

Recovery just like my jungle has snakes and swampy places that seem terrifying.  I have experienced these things before and know that am stronger now and will emerge better than ever. I have created a clearing that gives me hope for the future and I can trust myself to just keep cutting away the obstacles to mental health.

My neighbor has come alive after mourning her husband's death. She is writing and has a guy that regularly maintains her house for her. We have both spent the last decade focusing on the small moments right in front of us and being afraid of the future. 

I get mad at myself when I have a slip and immediately look at the lives of others and wonder why I couldn't have made better choices. Nobody gets what they want and even when they do they don't realize it. We make choices and then other people make choice that affect us. 

We can be content with the day and the life we have before us and create a new clearing that gives us hope for the future.  We can make sure we take care of our physical selves and know that we don't want to waste another moment being unhappy. 

   

Enjoying spring - Wishing things were different

I have spent this we doing what I want to do which is plant and plant some more.  I have planted about 75 flowers in my front yard they don't look like much but, in about a month they will be spectacular.  I of course will be back in work mode and probably won't notice.

It feels great to be just doing what I want for a week.  I normally take my precious time off traveling to see my family who can hardly fit me into their busy schedules. My sisters kids are older now and sometimes they take some time with me and that feels good. 

In our family we are about getting things done. For my sister it is cerebral more than physical and for me it is both. It seesaws to the extreme one way or the other and I find physical jobs rewarding because you can really do both at the same time.  

Unfortunately as I get older and happier I feel less interested and making a trip in hopes that someone will spend a few hours with me. I think I have healed the hole in me that felt like I should belong somewhere with someone.  They are my family.

I have found that you can be in a crowd or in a relationship and feel completely alone so what is the difference. My friend from grammar school who I talk to once every couple of weeks ask me if I had spoken to anyone this week. This is her way of worrying about me and my solitude. I have always enjoyed my time alone but always felt guilty about not wanting to socialize. 

I have spoken to people this week in fact I went over to someone house and had dinner last night.  Someone from my early program years they were a big part of my thirties and it was a special time for all of us. Most of the core group has gone their separate ways but recently we have reconnected.  

If we continue to grow our parts don't fit together like they use to anymore. I have felt this through out my life but refused to acknowledge it. In every relationship things become routine and starts to feel forced. When I have tried to make it work and it doesn't it starts making me feel sick inside. Ultimately I am there in body only not wanting to be honest and just get out. 

I wonder why I am different than most who relish the bonds of a lifetime. Maybe I was made too independent with my mothers death. I knew I was on my own and that seemed natural. I learned to just get things done without counting on anyone else. 

The relationships I have had were only good if I fulfilled a long list of things that had to be done to make the other person happy. This was never two ways as long as I did everything right without expecting anything in return all was well. I eventually felt like what they really wanted was a servant. I did these things originally out of love but without appreciation or even acknowledgement it felt life a burden and resentment grew.

I have enjoyed this week so much and I think it is because it is without the guilt of feeling I should be different then I am. With the pandemic I have felt less guilty about enjoying my time alone. I am not asking myself why I am alone. 

I understand my family and I do wish they had more time for me but it has always been this way. I use to be a person that could pretend that things were different than they are but I had an awakening and you just can't go back. Accepting things as they are instead of the way you wish they were is spiritual maturity.  Besides I can be ignored during the holidays and the food will be better. 

  

How important is it? - Letting go - stress

I am in a better place this week even though work has been even more stressful than it was last week.  When you deal with the public it seems that you have difficult periods where you get caught up in a lot of small problems for me mostly things I cannot solve. At these times it is hard to remember the jobs that went right.

Our company does a great job of fixing whatever the problem is but not a great job of communicating what or when this is going to happen. By the time I find out about it and contact someone they have already sent someone out to take care of it.

It is way more efficient on the back side but it does cause the customer distress because they are not hearing back from anyone. It does really work out in the end. I just tell them that it will magically get taken care of if they give it a day or so. 

It is dysfunctional like a family and either you can hang with it or not. If you have got to know what is going on all the time then this is not the place to work. It isn't my responsibility to change it so I adapt the best I can. 

I am better in my old age at being flexible and not be outraged by the actions of others.  The lack of efficiency and all the time wasted re-working things in the past would have drove me nuts. When I was worked in true corporate america I worked my way up in the company so I could make changes to help make things easier fro everyone.  

My brain is solely interested in making things better whether at home, at work or even when I see problems at a store. I can't help myself but now I can just let it go knowing this is how the world works. One cashier in the garden department on a Saturday with ten people in line waiting for a manager to okay a plant on clearance. 

To be happy in this life you have to let go of everything that you have absolutely no control over.  This is the secret we don't want to accept. I can close my eyes and imagine something different but I have to accept the reality in front of me.  How important is it?  That is one of my favorite slogans from the program. It works if you work it.  That is another one. 

Acceptance - Family - Beliefs - Making Peace

I have returned from a trip to see my family.  It was a little complicated with my niece house sitting in Charleston and my nephew driving my sister from the mountains to meet me there. Her kids don't think she is capable of driving by herself for four hours.  He brought the grand kids both under three and we watched them while he stayed in a hotel. This wasn't his idea but it worked out until he decided he didn't want to stay the three days as planned. 

I was proud of my sister for holding her ground and saying she was staying and he could drive back by himself with the kids. This solidified my own plans which was to drive her back home.  When first found out that he and the kids were coming I almost cancelled my trip all together. I knew that it would be all about watching the kids instead of a relaxing three days with my niece and my sister.  

My experience over the years with my sister and her family is that you are not factored into the equation ever. It you are visiting nothing is altered for your visit. You can't expect anything more than to just tag along to whatever is going on in their lives.  I might get lunch with my sister and a few dinners out. It was a nice surprise that my sister actually took the whole week off for the holiday. 

With this trip my niece originally wanted me to drive six hours pick up my sister and drive four hours spend three days in Charleston and drive four hours to take her home spend Thanksgiving and then drive another six hours home.  I did decline this plan since my sister is capable of driving four hours herself. This is before my nephew's wife went out of town and it was decided he couldn't be alone with the kids for three days.  Just writing this tires me out. 

The trip was an overall success. The three of us were exhausted running after two toddlers for almost three days.  They left me alone with them while they were napping only to have them both wake up at the same time with one extra poopy diaper. I texted them with an SOS since I didn't think I could watch him while changing the diaper in a stranger's house. 

I did get to bond with the kids and then after my nephew drove back home with them the three of us went for a walk on the beach and had dinner out together. My sister and I drove back together leaving my niece to finish her house sitting duties through the holiday. We were really able to catch up.

We got back Wednesday night and cooked the casseroles my niece had frozen in advance of her trip. We had dinner at my nephew's in-laws as they do every year with me taking the place of my niece at the table. It was nice really good food and I didn't cook any of it. 

I was also worried about the the political climate of my family all Trump supporters and think wearing masks is an attempt to be politically correct. No one wore mask there except in public places. I didn't fight it or say my peace.  I was exposed to them and the kids the first day so I figured it didn't matter. My sister and I had a few words over Obama when she said "he is showing his true colors now" I just gave her a look. She came and apologized and said she didn't mean to get so heated.  

One thing I have come to understand about my sister that even though she is very smart she doesn't like to go against the crowd. Before he beat Hillary we had a discussion where we both agreed that he was a sociopath and bad for the country. Now he is a god my brother-in-law said as I was leaving "when they overturn this election there will be riots in the streets."  

This has been the right choice for her and enabled her to stay close with our dad and his wife. With kids you need family and as much support as you can get.  I was never a good sheep and would never be able to just go along with what is popular with the crowd. I sacrificed having a family because I would never be able to keep my mouth shut. 

My sister loves me and worries about my salvation and fears that I might go to hell. I wonder how people that call themselves christian can support a man who clearly cares about nothing but himself. He definitely isn't following the idea "do unto others as you would have them do unto you".

I have found my own way and I don't feel I must win them over to my own beliefs anymore. I do have to prepare myself for our visits and this was the first time I don't need to recover from the trip. We have come to an understanding and she doesn't feel responsible for my salvation anymore. 

I have found peace with being alone and I have found peace with be an outsider with my family. With her kids grown now I have the opportunity to get to know them. My sister's life has not be easy and she kept a lot of things from me to protect her family. Similar to living with alcoholism when one person controls the whole family and you don't want anyone to know what is going on. 

We are survivors and have both done it on our own.  It makes me sad that we didn't feel we could be there for each other. I think we are beginning to know each other for the first time. She is four years older than me so we were never close as children. We are both tough and have found our own way through life and now that we are older we can relax an enjoy each other. 

Accepting the person I am now - Freedom - Always Letting Go

I had to drive out to an island to measure a job this afternoon.  It is about an hour one way and truthfully I was looking forward to just going somewhere different for a change. You can take the faster google way and cut the time down by fifteen minute using some newly built connecting highways and bridges or you can take the old route that winds around the waterways with spectacular views of the marshes and beaches.  It was raining pretty hard so I took the speedy way up and the slow way home.

I have a lot of history with this area.  During the recession and my dark time I would go to the state park out there and walk.  If I had an appointment out there I would stop afterward and sit on the beach with my business clothes on and meditate. I remember one winter day just sitting on a rock and a couple of men came up and ask me if I was okay. They thought I should be cold but my menopause furnace was burning hot. I told them I was waiting on God. 

I have a way doing things intensely until I have had enough and moving on. I spent so much time up there and when I got better and just stopped. Places can represent a time in your life and that was not a good one for me.  I have no desire to go there and be out in nature anymore.  I have walked miles and mile in the woods and now I just want to work in my yard. 

For the trip I pulled a random CD out of and old stack I keep in the car it turned out to be the Indigo Girls live CD.  I haven't heard it in years and it made me think about the person I use to be. The songs brought back a time in my life that seems like a million years ago now. It didn't make me sad it just made me think how life is constantly changing. When you are busy and running you think your life will always be just as it is in that moment.  Nothing really stays the same so why worry. 

It seemed weird to me today that I am the happiest I have ever been with myself. I am not worrying or wanting things to be different than they are right now. I can't improve on anything and I can look back at the past without wishing things had been different. I feel at peace knowing that day to day things are going to change.  Something is always shifting whether we notice or not. 

I am not the person I was before for good or bad.  I couldn't stay the person everyone expected me to be forever.  This was hard for me to accept. I was mad at myself for a long time because that person didn't exist any longer.  I thought if I just acted like she did then I could find the person I was before. I felt like I was wearing an old heavy wet coat around. I have given myself permission to be happy and celebrate the person that I am and quit trying so hard to improve. 

I enjoyed my little road trip today more than I ever have.  It was beautiful even in the rain and I was alone and content to just listen to the music and be free. 

  

Family - Our original tribe - War

It has been proven scientifically that when you spend time with a person or group of people that your brain chemistry starts to change to match each other while you are together.  This is why when people gather in large groups who already have similar ideas about things can be powerful.  This is why religions through out history called people to come together as an act of commitment to their beliefs..

Even in smaller groups we take on the outlook of the people we are traveling with through life.  The day to day similarity makes us feel like we belong to something our tribe. It isn't acceptable for someone with different ideas to join unless they are planning to assimilate.  There is strength in numbers and if someone doesn't get on board they will be pushed out.

I was listening to an interview with Byron Katey yesterday. For me she really has the answer to mental suffering and it is pretty simple. But that is a different post.  Yesterday she said "when you think someone is wrong it it just because they do not agree with you."  This assumes we are somehow superior in our own beliefs and ideas. She calls this "war".

During the holidays some people end up spending a lot of time with there family. This is when our differences tend to come up.  These people might be our original tribe but now we have moved on and found our own tribe in our everyday life. It makes us feel unsettled that the people we spent our early years with are not like us and and we want to take this one day to try to change them.

With my own family they live in a different world than I do.  Do I think they are wrong? I think they mean well and are passionate about their own beliefs and it is not my responsibility to convert them to mine. If I am pressed I am happy to let them know my own beliefs.

On my recent visit I saw a lot of pain and suffering mostly caused by fear.  Fear of crime and all those people out to get them. Ironically they all live way out in the middle of no where and the likelihood of any of those things happening to them is remote. The mind is always looking for something to do and leans towards fear and negativity.

When I am with my family I imagine that  my own presence of love and acceptance will have an influence on them. It is hard see them suffering but I understand it because I have suffered myself.

Let's face it we all live alone in our heads or with those nasty characters we have created to live with us.  We don't know what is in some one's head or heart we can only bring love and acceptance to the table and be the strong force that makes an impression. This is better than war.

I am spending Christmas alone and happy this year.  I can make a big deal about this or I can enjoy my solitude and know that I am loved from a distance by my original tribe. I have learned how to let myself be happy where ever I am. Merry Christmas.

Making changes - Fitting in - Not getting attached

Sometimes I can really get in trouble when I start analyzing my life.  I like being happy and I am really starting to get use to it.  I had a particularly unhappy week at work.  I lost my sense of peace.  This happens to me when I feel like I have put a lot of effort into something and it doesn't work out.  With work that means I didn't get a job that I have invested a lot of time in.

When I do my best and don't get too attached to people or outcomes I keep my peace. If I want something too much I feel a great loss when I don't  get it.  This is when my mind tells me I am not in the right job or even relationship.  I start comparing myself to others peoples outside success.  At work I have never thought of myself as a natural born salesperson.  I have to be authentic and when I am not it makes me feel bad some people appreciate this but the majority would prefer to be razzled and dazzled.

This is where I always feel like an outsider because I really am outsider.  I want to fit in but it feels dishonest to pretend I am something I am not. Customers bring their lives to the table and sometimes that it very stressful for me. Over the years I have learned not to get too attached to the outcome or the customer. I get too invested because I like them or because of the potential income from the job.

This just makes me feel trapped and desperate to close the deal.  Sometimes when I like someone too much and they do something that disappoints me I feel frustrated with myself for getting too involved.  I do feel like it is my fault because I can usually spot the people that mostly don't consider sales people as people. They don't appreciate the investment of time and energy that I put into the design process and it is only about the lowest bidder. 

What this week has shone me is that I need a fuller life outside of work.  I have put too many eggs in one basket and I need something more.  I love what I do creating new spaces for people and I mostly love the people I work for and with even if it sometimes doesn't work out. 

Yesterday I met with a woman who said to me "I have met with several people and I just kept coming back to you because you have a kind spirit."  The people that are nice and thoughtful never really get the attention they deserve and in this case I am talking about the customer not me.  The draining ones are the ones you remember and talk about.  It isn't right is it?

I have recovered from the week and made plans to visit a museum with a friend today instead working in the yard.  Trying to change things up a bit.  I also am planning on visiting a church in my neighborhood tomorrow.  I would like to get more involved in my community.  It is an denomination that is unlike my own upbringing but they seem open and friendly to all types of people from their videos on face book so we shall see.

Grabbing on to people or outcomes of any kind can only set you up for disappointments.  Also when you have a bad week and you feel unhappy it can give you the opportunity to step back and commit to making changes.  Even small changes can make you feel just a little bit more alive.

Spiritual Genetics - Self Acceptance

I had a marathon conversation with my sister this week.  She called at 9:30 and we talked until 12:30.  I wasn't expecting this and had to be at work at 8:30 the next morning but took it all in stride. I am happy that we are really starting to get to know each other. 

My sister like me has spent most of her life alone emotionally.  She feels she has a leg up on me because she has children but now that they are grown they are starting to see that we are not normal. There is a number of reasons for that first with our Pentecostal upbringing we were taught that the things of this world are not important. If you have talents and abilities then you use them for God's good and to encourage people to find Jesus. 

We are analytical and our minds are in a constant state of processing and we aren't really interested in small talk or the latest TV super show.  My sister has stayed close to our family faith and pretty isolated to what is going on in the world.  My brother in law keeps Fox News running constantly on the TV so that gives you an idea of the slant of the house.  Everything points to the end of time.

I once said something about Tony Robbins to my sister and she had no idea who that was. I think it is funny that after such different lives we do have a lot of spiritual ideas in common.  I talked to her about the spiritual books I have read and she comes back with a christian book that says the same thing. 

We haven't been close all these years.  She has called me regularly most of my life but usually she did most of the talking.  She is having an awakening now with her kids wishing she was more like other people.  She wants to withdraw from their lives because she doesn't measure up in their eyes.

I told her that we are who we are and that there is nothing wrong with us.  Our mother gave us the gift of individualism and knowing what is important.  We were born in the deep end of the pool and the sooner we accept ourselves the happier we will be. 

I have always wished to be like other the people but I am not.  I have finally come to terms with just living and enjoying who I am.  I did tell her that loving herself will make her feel less like a victim.  The kids will come around one day and see that she has dedicated her life to making them strong individuals.  They want to fit in right now and they are not sure what to do with mom the spiritual intellectual. 

I was happy when she told me that during a recent family get together she was able to take a walk and enjoy the spectacular scenery.  She said it was the first time she didn't try to be something she wasn't.

We can't get away from who we are at the core.  My sister is an amazing person and has done a lot with her life despite a lot of road blocks and a rough start.  I think it is funny how much the same we are and how only now she can see that.  Spiritual genetic I guess.  Thanks Mom.

Accepting each other - family - So much alike

I spent a few hours on the phone with my sister last night.  Our lives have ended up very different and now that we are older we are trying to narrow the gap between us.  We have the same genes but had very different life circumstances.

She wanted to never make waves and I was born making them. At first I wanted to be like her but when realized it would never happen I was free to do what I wanted. I remember even now one time coloring together she stayed perfectly in the lines and how beautiful her page looked. My page was terrible my hand always slipped and there was the crayon outside the line. Once that happened my interest in coloring for the moment died and I left the page half done.

I really didn't understand that she was four years older and that her motor skills were ten times what mine were or that she had four more years of practice than I did. I yearned to be just like her because my parents really loved her.  I knew this because they constantly said wonderful things about her.  She was always respectful to them, she kept her room spotless, she had straight A's and practiced her piano lessons for two hours a day.  She was perfect.

I am not saying they didn't love me because they did.  The fact that they loved me despite my constant questioning of their authority, messy room, a report card that was celebrated with some "B's" mixed in with "Cs" and the fact that I refused to practice the piano.  I never understood why girls were expected to play the piano.  Even with that I was still loved not praised but loved anyway.

My sister now says my mother wanted to be a concert pianist.  I can see now why my sister pushed to become the perfect piano player my mother imagined her to be. Especially after my mom got sick. My sister was old enough to see that things were not going well while I was told not to worry and I didn't.

While she was being perfect I was exiled to the basement where I built cites out of cardboard with stores and restaurants.  I also held art classes there for the neighborhood kids with art supplies stolen from school.  I only charged a small fee for the class.  I loved art and often won contest at school.  My  dream was to decorate the bulletin boards at school for the holidays but you had to have grades like my sister's to be chosen.  Art wasn't considered a talent like piano in our house but it made me happy.

With our effort to get to know each other my sister and I have found that we are the same in a lot of ways.  The death of our mother made us different from other kids we knew a bond we are only sharing now. Ironically who we were as kids reversed when we became adults. When my dad remarried I had to learn to keep quiet and do what I was told perfectly. This was what was needed to be loved in the new household. 

My sister's desire to be perfect left her when my mother died. She stopped cleaning her room, playing the piano or even ironing her clothes.  With those perfect grades she got scholarship and left for college the summer my father remarried.  She stopped trying to fit in and blazed her own path ultimately becoming the youngest female lawyer in her state. 

Today we are more comfortable in our own skins and don't worry too about what other people think.  The work ethic that was instilled in us by both of our parents has made us successful in whatever we have done professionally.  Emotionally we are still a little too self reliant living in that fortress we built so many years ago.  Today we are trying to be a little freer and happier and accepting of each other.

Inner Conficts - Finding my own way

I always seem to have some kind of inner conflict that my mind relishes spending hours and hours trying to resolve.  In the early years the conflicts were based on small things and solving superficial problems I was facing every day but now that I have reached a point where I know 99% of the things we worry about are superficial and in a few weeks or even days they will be forgotten my mind like to work on the heavy issues.

On Sundays I like to watch church TV mostly either Joel or the church my sister is currently attending.  It is a satellite church where they watch the preacher on screen.  He seems pretty arrogant to me very charismatic and has a wide appeal.  Today he said "the liberals are against us and are the enemy of Christians every where"  that might not be exactly the words but the idea in general. 

This made me mad.  I thought you just lump everyone together and put a label on them so we have someone to be against.  We are right and they are wrong.  This is what drove me from the church of my childhood.  This and the double standard that is if we do something wrong we just ask for forgiveness and all is well if you do something wrong then you are a sinner and God will make sure you get what is coming to you.

I consider myself liberal and have a few liberal friends that are kind of extreme and would say the same thing about evangelicals being the enemy.  Again lumping everyone together is never a good idea.

I don't like organized religion for the most part.  It mostly seems focused on money and giving in order to have God bless you. It is big business these days and even though the message does help inspire people it seems so much excess.  The mention of giving at every opportunity weaving it into every sermon in some way. 

The bottom line for me is that my christian family abandoned me in the name of Jesus. After my mother died my life wasn't valuable to my own dad or my stepmother.  They were happy to spend their lives without me with no attempt to reconcile or even reach out to me. There is an evangelist in my own family and this morning he mentioned my dad and how much he counseled him.  He of coarse has no idea the pain or conflict I have endured just trying to reconcile how I was treated by the Christians in my life and the God that is suppose to love me. 

I will continue to feel conflicted until my mind finds acceptance.  People are flawed and self centered and even though they call themselves Christians it doesn't mean they always act that way. I can trust that just like me they will have to find their own way.  For me my own Christan upbringing gave me the foundation that helped me to make though the hard times and for this I am thankful.

Design - Decisions - Change

I and in the middle of the my home transformation and the internal transformation that goes with it.  I have always believed that your space reflects your emotional interior. 

When I moved here I rejected this house because I could not accept that my life would no longer be the same.  I had to do my bathroom because there was a leak and tiles were failing off the walls and it turned out nice but my heart wasn't in it.  The person who cared about design was gone by that point and I assumed would never return.  Some days the contractor would show up and I would still be in the bed.  They worked around me. I dark moment for sure.

I lost myself.  Everything that I thought of as "me" had vanished.  I had to function so I just did what I thought people expected me to do every day. When you are sad and lost just remember most people can't see that from the outside.  We are all too wrapped up in our own inner drama to notice another  person's suffering.  A few people close to me knew I was not the same and fled the scene.  I really didn't mind it gave me the opportunity to go deeper and darker without anyone interfering.

Over the past four years I have just really coasting not really having any goals or even wants. Just working and filling each day.  I have had little spurts of ambition for my house like painting over the great room with bright white.  I had selected beige when I moved in because it was what I had in the other house and reflected my mood. It was builders beige. The white represented endless possibilities. It did make me feel better.

Now I am on the move with redoing the floors. It was a very hard decision to do tile.  The foyer, half bath, kitchen, laundry and my bedroom are all on the same level.  My bedroom had painted brown concrete floors after a flood during the bathroom remodel.  My dog was old and sick at the time so I didn't want to re-carpet.  The foyer was black fake marble tiles from the 80's and the laundry and half bath was flesh color tile with 1/4 grout lines. The kitchen a gold beehive patterned vinyl.  The rest of main floor steps down to parkett wood so choosing wood could not work.  I knew tile would be the answer even though it is cold for the bedroom granted not much colder than concrete.

I knew this was going to be a big project moving everything off the floor. Also managing the timing with the kitchen.  I was going to leave the laundry but the tile person said no big deal to move the washer and dryer.  I picked a tile the color of light concrete (funny) with some sparkles in it.  My house is loft like and has dark trim.  I know the trend is white and gray all day every day but I like color so this is my compromise.  White walls in the great room and gray floors.  I have a midnight blue accent wall in the great room and teal and taupe in my bedroom.  The new tile looks great. 

They grouted my bedroom yesterday and will finish everything tomorrow except for the kitchen.
The installer wants to wait until the cabinets are out to tile that room so I have concrete floors there.  I I still haven't ordered the cabinets.  I am waffling about removing a small pantry and stealing closet from my office to make the kitchen more functional.  Do I care that much?  It is just me and it will add cost. Am I not willing to invest in myself to make it better.

My indecision is emotional at this time it isn't about time or money even though I am an extremely frugal person. I think it is more about whether I want invest in my future and believe that I am worth it. It is always easier to keep things the same because change is growth.  It is scary and takes energy to make a move forward.  With the kitchen it means I am moving on past this stage of my life. I feel secure enough to invest in my future and in a room that where I prepare my daily bread. So to speak.

I can sometimes have conflict from within about design in general.  You definitely have to find happiness from within first.  The industry I work in can feel very superficial with everyone saying your house must look like this to be happy.  Design can't fill the hole inside that is from feeling not good enough for yourself or the people in your life but it can make you feel better or worse on your journy to self acceptance and inner peace.

I wrote this post today to sort out my indecision about the changes in the kitchen and whether my fear of the future is keeping me from moving forward.  What is it that I really need verses what I want or what will add value to each day for me. I am going to take out those closets and get those cabinets ordered this week.  It is time to acknowledge that I really have already moved on and I want my space to reflect the new me. 

Acceptance - Heartbreaking - Running

Acceptance is something that has been forced upon me over the years.  I always felt when people talked about it that it seemed like giving up or at least giving in to unacceptable circumstances.  Now I feel my own lack of acceptance at any given time really is the source of my unhappiness.

My thoughts were always "I don't want this to be happening to me right now" or "I don't want to feel this way right now".  At this point I usually run as fast as I can towards any distraction instead of just sitting with the uncomfortable feelings I am having.

This week my friends daughter was diagnosed with something bad. She is a recovering addict for eight years from crack and other things. They say her situation is terminal and short term. Everyone is in shock and trying to find their place in this new situation. Her mother my friend has Parkinson's and her daughter and her husband moved here to help look after her as he illness progresses.  What now?

Life isn't fair and it is so random.  I use to think that if I did everything right then I could keep the bad stuff at bay. We have spiritual beliefs that give us the illusion that with the right behavior and mind set we can protect ourselves from our worst imagined fears.  These beliefs do give us support during our transition from shock to acceptance but life just keeps happening.

Acceptance is all we have when life is heartbreaking if we push back we miss the moments that are happening now. The spaces of happiness that can be found every day.  The weekend before we got this tragic news a few of us had gone to new local restaurant. It was a beautiful night with breezes blowing in July so we sat outside. The food was great it was the perfect night. None of us could imagine what the next week would bring. We all soaked it up and something perfect to remember.

I do believe in the spiritual and my search for it has brought me back from what felt like was permanent darkness. The power of the spiritual is that we can open ourselves up to life as it happens instead of running.

We don't want to waste time standing with our backs against the wall bracing ourselves for the next impact.  We have to let life wash over us knowing that it is not our fault it is just life.  Blaming ourselves or anyone else is just away of running from what is and thinking we can control might come next.

Acceptance can give us moments of peace to see what is right in front of us. To see what is going on with the person sitting right there in front of right now what comfort do they need. Instead of wasting time being miserable about the future we will have plenty of time for that when it comes.

Emotional Hangover - Healing in pajamas

I had a nice Thanksgiving but I wasn't totally able to avoid feeling down.  It didn't really hit me until the day after and then Saturday.  I would like to think all feelings are cerebral and be overcome with thought control.  These feelings are ego driven and relate to some story we have about ourselves and for the most part I think it is true.

I can't  buy this theory completely because it is not my own experience.  It is of course in our minds but I believe we must have levels memories as well as levels of healing those memories.  We can address them as they come to the surface.  Sometimes we know what triggers the memory of  hurt and sometimes we are taken by surprise.  For me it is Thanksgiving.

I say to myself that I have a good life and that I am a better more healthy person spiritually and emotionally but I was still hurt by what happen to me. It changed my life whether I admit it or not. Those feelings of self doubt surface and I am down for the count.  Saturday I slept until 11 and never got out of pajamas.

I was experiencing an emotional hangover and decided I needed to write in my journal.  I wrote about how I repelled the people I loved  in my life and that is why they left me. When I write things like that I feel worse because I feel I haven't made much progress. How can this be when I remembered feeling so good last year.

I decided to see what I wrote last year.  There is was in black and white slept until 11 and still in my pajamas along with some other bleak stuff.

Reading the words from last year snapped my out of it almost immediately.  I realized this is just a weekend of mourning for me. I shouldn't feel like it is a set back it is just me taking a moment to grieve some pretty significant losses in my life. To honor two major relationships that ended abruptly at Thanksgiving.

It is the thinking I shouldn't still feel this way that really bothers me.  If I could just let those feelings wash over me they would pass just like they did this year.  By Sunday I was painting the kitchen and feeling pretty good.  Can I just accept myself where I am at any given time especially at Thanksgiving? Maybe next year will be different. I don't think so.