I am the kind person has created a life trail. What this means is that I keep things from different periods of my life like a trail of bread crumbs just in case I get lost and need to find my way back. Today I found a church bulletin from 1992 with the name and phone number of a woman I knew back then.
We worked together and were very close. She lived here but her long time boy friend lived somewhere else. I was newly divorced and we met during a work out class our company sponsored in the cafeteria once a week. Ironically they cancelled the class because they said they could feed the entire building cake for what they were paying teacher for our class. You got to have your priorities.
My friend was a person that was exactly who she was no matter what. I remember in class when we were doing leg lifts with weights she would groan loudly with every lift. She asked me one time if I was feeling pain and I remember saying " I guess I am a silently sufferer." This is so true.
She was also a fundamentalist christian and was in conflict with the fact her boyfriend didn't want to get married. She was dedicated to her beliefs and I remember going to her house and her mirror was covered with scriptures. I liked that about her that she was all in no excuses or apologies.
Once she talked me into going to a women's Bible study. This was a serious study and the woman running it was very strict. No talking and you had to come into the auditorium single file. I felt like it was a group that was trying to keep women doing what they thought the Bible said they should do.
After the way I was raised this militant study of the Bible definitely didn't appeal to me.
Another time she invited me to lunch to meet a women from her church. I agreed and the woman was nice enough and lunch was fine. She gave me some pamphlets to look at and invited me to church. Later I found out she was the leader of a group that converts gay people to straight. I wonder now whether my friend thought I had a girl crush on her. If I did I didn't know it. I was newly divorced and lonely. My husband took all his drinking friends and their wives with him.
I had not found Al-Anon yet and with my husband gone there was a huge void from the drama he took with him. I had a lot of time on my hands and it was good to have a new friend.
She did get married and move away but sadly he died suddenly only a few short years later. The last time I spoke to her she was going on a date with a veterinarian. That worked out for her I guess I saw on face book they are married and he just retired. I was happy that she found someone so quickly. She was always a kind and generous person to me.
She would be happy with me now I have started reading the Bible again. I have studied many religions so I thought I should commit to the reading it as an adult. My family treated me with indifference most of my like claiming to be loving Christians the whole time. I never wanted to associate myself with their beliefs. I didn't want to be like them. I have finally grown up and found my own way. I no longer reject my upbringing and associate everything spiritual with them.
It has been an interesting read. I have my old Living Bible from my teen years. I even made a groovy cover for it back then. I am sure people would say it isn't the real Bible because it is interpreted into common language. In my youth I color coded with three different highlight markers the whole Bible. I have no idea what the different colors mean now. I have always had a thing for school supplies so it could mean nothing. The bulletin fell out of this Bible. Funny huh?
Saturday, September 28, 2019
Sunday, September 22, 2019
Meditation - Bill Gates - Thinking
I am not sure I have anything to say today. The week was an emotional one especially since I didn't rest much last weekend. Today I worked in the yard and pulled what seemed like a million weeds. It is still pretty hot here but the breeze was nice. I really like the physical part of yard work since most everything in my life is mostly mental. I have been having problems with my eyes and having to go to bed early just to rest them.
I watched the new Bill Gates series on Netflix last night. The work he and Melinda"s foundation is doing is incredible. He seems like a nice person and in one interview he admitted to his arrogance in the early years. I thought if anyone should be arrogant it should be him he changed our world in ways that we will never fully appreciate.
Not a surprise but he is a constant reader and carries a huge canvas bag full of books wherever he goes. He also since the 90's has taken think weeks. This is where he takes his books and goes to a super tiny house overlooking the water and thinks. Organizes his notes from all the reading and comes out with a plan.
I really like that idea and feel we don't appreciate the value of just gathering our thoughts. I feel guilty for not have a plan every day or if I am not accomplishing something. Like today I am tired but resting doesn't really seem to be what I need. I need to recharge but I am not sure how. This series is really worth watching. In the end I am sure a man like Bill will feel he didn't do enough which is sad.
I think the closest we can get to the think week would be daily meditation. Just sitting being comfortable doing nothing watching our thoughts go by without reacting. I think I will try that now.
I watched the new Bill Gates series on Netflix last night. The work he and Melinda"s foundation is doing is incredible. He seems like a nice person and in one interview he admitted to his arrogance in the early years. I thought if anyone should be arrogant it should be him he changed our world in ways that we will never fully appreciate.
Not a surprise but he is a constant reader and carries a huge canvas bag full of books wherever he goes. He also since the 90's has taken think weeks. This is where he takes his books and goes to a super tiny house overlooking the water and thinks. Organizes his notes from all the reading and comes out with a plan.
I really like that idea and feel we don't appreciate the value of just gathering our thoughts. I feel guilty for not have a plan every day or if I am not accomplishing something. Like today I am tired but resting doesn't really seem to be what I need. I need to recharge but I am not sure how. This series is really worth watching. In the end I am sure a man like Bill will feel he didn't do enough which is sad.
I think the closest we can get to the think week would be daily meditation. Just sitting being comfortable doing nothing watching our thoughts go by without reacting. I think I will try that now.
Tuesday, September 17, 2019
Order and Chaos
This is my birthday month and I gifted myself with a art workshop the past weekend. Two full days of creating and producing are under the guidelines of a retired art professor. The instruction given was to be loose and repetitive not really my cup of tea. I did what I always do and just put something on paper to get me started. As the teacher circled the room she said really nice drawing but not what I instructed. I am new to the group and she was cautious about her direction at first. I finally said "give me direction" she said to draw the pile of bones on the table without looking at the paper.
I did it an produced a decent drawing. My middle name is order and her middle name is chaos. I am glad that I didn't look at her work before the workshop or I might have decided not to sign up. At the end of the first day I was tired and asking myself "do I care about doing art anymore?"
Doing art has been a part of my earliest memory. I kindergarten we colored one day and painted the next every day they would ask us, "Did you paint or color yesterday?' I always said, "I colored" so I could paint. I loved the vibrant colors of the tempera paints. In my teens I skipped my other classes to hang out in the art room telling my teacher that I had a study hall. Art was my salvation even though I never was seen a gifted by the teachers or encouraged in any way. Artist can be elitist amongst themselves it is a competitive world and insecurity runs deep just like any place else.
I feel that just like anything else the ego needs something to make it feel special. Something to identify with " I am an __________." This what we do not who we are and it is hard to give up if you don't want to do it anymore. Who will I be without this label?
When I crashed into darkness this was what I felt. I knew I was not longer the person I use to be. I was floating around with no identity with the people around me waiting for that person to come back. This is a trap that makes us feel stuck in places we don't belong anymore for a really long time. For me the change was forced on me and I felt I couldn't live without being the person I was before.
I felt I was floating out there being nothing. I knew I couldn't go back so lingered for along time in no where land. Nothing interested me for a long time. This was so painful but I got use to it and quit fighting it and when I finally let go I felt lighter. I did the necessary things I had to do to get through the day and that was it.
We are taught that we are who people say were are or who we say we are even if it doesn't feel right anymore. Art was my salvation from those days in kindergarten. I still love color and create everyday in my work but I don't need to be saved anymore. I can do art because it is fun and not because I need to get the pain out. Ir isn't who I am it is just a couple days filled with art.
I loved the workshop and will do it again. The group was very supportive of each other. It was scary at first when my own ego felt like I didn't belong there with other artist but I go over myself.
I met some interesting people and by the second day I felt refreshed and put out some nice drawings. The teacher said " I know I am intimidating but I mean well." I said "people say the same thing about me." I have no problem with straight shooters it is those that don't say what they mean that can blind side you.
It was good to get out of my comfort zone and I do have some ideas for art projects. It was exhausting at first but chaos can be fun if you just let go.
I did it an produced a decent drawing. My middle name is order and her middle name is chaos. I am glad that I didn't look at her work before the workshop or I might have decided not to sign up. At the end of the first day I was tired and asking myself "do I care about doing art anymore?"
Doing art has been a part of my earliest memory. I kindergarten we colored one day and painted the next every day they would ask us, "Did you paint or color yesterday?' I always said, "I colored" so I could paint. I loved the vibrant colors of the tempera paints. In my teens I skipped my other classes to hang out in the art room telling my teacher that I had a study hall. Art was my salvation even though I never was seen a gifted by the teachers or encouraged in any way. Artist can be elitist amongst themselves it is a competitive world and insecurity runs deep just like any place else.
I feel that just like anything else the ego needs something to make it feel special. Something to identify with " I am an __________." This what we do not who we are and it is hard to give up if you don't want to do it anymore. Who will I be without this label?
When I crashed into darkness this was what I felt. I knew I was not longer the person I use to be. I was floating around with no identity with the people around me waiting for that person to come back. This is a trap that makes us feel stuck in places we don't belong anymore for a really long time. For me the change was forced on me and I felt I couldn't live without being the person I was before.
I felt I was floating out there being nothing. I knew I couldn't go back so lingered for along time in no where land. Nothing interested me for a long time. This was so painful but I got use to it and quit fighting it and when I finally let go I felt lighter. I did the necessary things I had to do to get through the day and that was it.
We are taught that we are who people say were are or who we say we are even if it doesn't feel right anymore. Art was my salvation from those days in kindergarten. I still love color and create everyday in my work but I don't need to be saved anymore. I can do art because it is fun and not because I need to get the pain out. Ir isn't who I am it is just a couple days filled with art.
I loved the workshop and will do it again. The group was very supportive of each other. It was scary at first when my own ego felt like I didn't belong there with other artist but I go over myself.
I met some interesting people and by the second day I felt refreshed and put out some nice drawings. The teacher said " I know I am intimidating but I mean well." I said "people say the same thing about me." I have no problem with straight shooters it is those that don't say what they mean that can blind side you.
It was good to get out of my comfort zone and I do have some ideas for art projects. It was exhausting at first but chaos can be fun if you just let go.
Sunday, September 1, 2019
Addiction - Running - Mental health
My friend has be sleeping here at night and it hasn't been too stressful for either of us. I sense that her spirit isn't grounded at this point. It feels like she is floating about trying to find her way very child like we talk about her day and that is it. I can tell she is isolated mentally in her own world.
I am practicing all my Al-Anon at this point and I am really not interested in saving someone. Isn't that the first thing we learn that what they are doing isn't any of our business. I always thought that I was a loving and giving person when I monitored and became obsessed with what my husband was doing. It was my job right? I lost myself and my life and became the gate keeper and eventually the martyr that was trampled on in the end.
Friday night I got a call "I am on my way" hours later showing up. This took me back to my husband and him calling from the bar and saying "I am on my way" and showing up hours later. I felt like I was back there for a few minutes the world revolving around one person. They aren't really thinking about you it isn't personal until they get home and you unleash your resentments on them.
When you are obsessed you have protect yourself from yourself. I know for me back then I was terrified that I was losing everything that was important to me and it was true. It was slipping away and I couldn't stop it. I thought I had the power to stop it so I just kept trying and and failing. It was my belief that I could stop it that kept me sad and miserable. It made him feel that he had to be constantly on the defense and I became the enemy. He drank to cope with the unhappiness he felt about himself and his life. This is what we do run away with drink, food, electronics and even managing other people.
What we choose starts early when we are kids. This becomes our go to for solving the scary feelings we have about ourselves or our situation. It feels like if we don't run and the feelings catch up with us that we will die. The truth will be so unbearable that it will consume us and it might but for only a moment.
In my mind I didn't want to start over. I had lost everything that I thought would be a part of my life forever. I blamed myself that it was something I had done or worse who I was that made this happen to me. I didn't know how to be different I had spent my life working to be the best person I could be and it wasn't enough. I felt there was no place to go so I check out. I numbed and went through the motions of life without actually participating.
Mental health is like addiction for the family. Just like addiction the person has found a way to exist within the addiction or illness until something sends them over the edge. I think our minds are strong and are always looking for away to cope with the reality in our heads. Our self talk can be enemy number one and for a lot of us it is strong and smart and makes logical sense but there isn't anyone in there to make us question those thoughts.
I remember when I had my breakthrough I was sitting on my porch think I didn't want to live one more day feeling nothing. My mind spoke to me and said "you are doing this to yourself" and I starting thinking "is this true - could I be doing this to myself? " The answer was yes. I was blaming myself for my circumstances and I believed that there was something at the core of me that was not lovable. This explained why I am always left behind by the people l love.
It wasn't a miracle healing and it took a long time to disprove all those thoughts and beliefs but from that day forward I got better. You have to question your thoughts especially if they are hurting you or making you sad or ruining your life. "I am unlovable" this is what I have always believed because every time I was left it proved to my logical mind that this statement was true.
I had to give myself the ultimate gift. I had to let those feelings roll over me and accept those thoughts and face them. I had to accept that what if I am unlovable and couldn't do anything about it. Once I started to embrace my worse fears it took the pressure off. I stopped running and just sat with the ugliness.
I still had the power to control one thing I could still choose to love myself. If I can find a way to love myself then it is proof I am lovable. Could I give myself the unconditional love that I so desperately wanted from other people. It wasn't easy but little by little I did that.
I know I have been loved deeply but maybe I wanted something from those people that they couldn't give me. They couldn't make me love myself and I kept looking for proof from them that I was lovable and couldn't find it. They for looking for the same and it didn't feel like enough for either of us.
We all deal with our own demons. It doesn't matter if they were passed down from our ancestors or created by a childhood that wasn't our fault we are just trying to get through each day. We do our best even if sometimes it isn't good enough for other people it is all we have. Getting lost in our minds is easy to do when we are sick or sometimes when we are not just a voice agreeing with us.
Always question your thoughts. Make friends with that other person in your head sometimes they help you to see what you are too scared to look at and can save your life. When you are lost for some people it is hard to come back and we need help from the professionals. If your life isn't working find someone that will listen and will tell you the truth.
I am practicing all my Al-Anon at this point and I am really not interested in saving someone. Isn't that the first thing we learn that what they are doing isn't any of our business. I always thought that I was a loving and giving person when I monitored and became obsessed with what my husband was doing. It was my job right? I lost myself and my life and became the gate keeper and eventually the martyr that was trampled on in the end.
Friday night I got a call "I am on my way" hours later showing up. This took me back to my husband and him calling from the bar and saying "I am on my way" and showing up hours later. I felt like I was back there for a few minutes the world revolving around one person. They aren't really thinking about you it isn't personal until they get home and you unleash your resentments on them.
When you are obsessed you have protect yourself from yourself. I know for me back then I was terrified that I was losing everything that was important to me and it was true. It was slipping away and I couldn't stop it. I thought I had the power to stop it so I just kept trying and and failing. It was my belief that I could stop it that kept me sad and miserable. It made him feel that he had to be constantly on the defense and I became the enemy. He drank to cope with the unhappiness he felt about himself and his life. This is what we do run away with drink, food, electronics and even managing other people.
What we choose starts early when we are kids. This becomes our go to for solving the scary feelings we have about ourselves or our situation. It feels like if we don't run and the feelings catch up with us that we will die. The truth will be so unbearable that it will consume us and it might but for only a moment.
In my mind I didn't want to start over. I had lost everything that I thought would be a part of my life forever. I blamed myself that it was something I had done or worse who I was that made this happen to me. I didn't know how to be different I had spent my life working to be the best person I could be and it wasn't enough. I felt there was no place to go so I check out. I numbed and went through the motions of life without actually participating.
Mental health is like addiction for the family. Just like addiction the person has found a way to exist within the addiction or illness until something sends them over the edge. I think our minds are strong and are always looking for away to cope with the reality in our heads. Our self talk can be enemy number one and for a lot of us it is strong and smart and makes logical sense but there isn't anyone in there to make us question those thoughts.
I remember when I had my breakthrough I was sitting on my porch think I didn't want to live one more day feeling nothing. My mind spoke to me and said "you are doing this to yourself" and I starting thinking "is this true - could I be doing this to myself? " The answer was yes. I was blaming myself for my circumstances and I believed that there was something at the core of me that was not lovable. This explained why I am always left behind by the people l love.
It wasn't a miracle healing and it took a long time to disprove all those thoughts and beliefs but from that day forward I got better. You have to question your thoughts especially if they are hurting you or making you sad or ruining your life. "I am unlovable" this is what I have always believed because every time I was left it proved to my logical mind that this statement was true.
I had to give myself the ultimate gift. I had to let those feelings roll over me and accept those thoughts and face them. I had to accept that what if I am unlovable and couldn't do anything about it. Once I started to embrace my worse fears it took the pressure off. I stopped running and just sat with the ugliness.
I still had the power to control one thing I could still choose to love myself. If I can find a way to love myself then it is proof I am lovable. Could I give myself the unconditional love that I so desperately wanted from other people. It wasn't easy but little by little I did that.
I know I have been loved deeply but maybe I wanted something from those people that they couldn't give me. They couldn't make me love myself and I kept looking for proof from them that I was lovable and couldn't find it. They for looking for the same and it didn't feel like enough for either of us.
We all deal with our own demons. It doesn't matter if they were passed down from our ancestors or created by a childhood that wasn't our fault we are just trying to get through each day. We do our best even if sometimes it isn't good enough for other people it is all we have. Getting lost in our minds is easy to do when we are sick or sometimes when we are not just a voice agreeing with us.
Always question your thoughts. Make friends with that other person in your head sometimes they help you to see what you are too scared to look at and can save your life. When you are lost for some people it is hard to come back and we need help from the professionals. If your life isn't working find someone that will listen and will tell you the truth.
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