Goals - Milestones - Hacking the brain

I have felt flat for a few weeks my interest in anything had vanished.  This scares me because I felt like this a long time when I was depressed.  I would live each day just doing a mundane list of things that were required to stay alive. Luckily it lifted Tuesday just as quickly as it appeared. What a relief to be engaged again getting things done. 

I could blame it on the over the counter hormone creams suggested by my doctor or it could be the emotions of the world at this point.  I am super busy at work and spent yesterday just trying to feel human again.  I didn't give myself the usual list of things to do and just spent the day cleaning and doing laundry.  I did make a small book shelf for the art books I moved up stairs. I needed to put them on a shelf so I took an old drawer head and cut the ends off and skewed them vertically onto the center piece. A u shaped shelf that keeps the books from falling over. It was the exact size to fit the books I have. 

I recently listened to the science of how our brain chemicals are set up to release feel good hormones in increments as we move towards our goals.  Their example was if we found a honey comb in the top of a tree we were flooded with desire to reach to top of that tree for our reward. Once we got the prize that same chemical would disappear totally and we needed another prize to activate that feel good feeling again. 

This is why the planning process of getting somewhere or actually doing something gives us such a thrill while the actually trip or project isn't as exciting as we imagined it would be.The chemistry in the mind is only needs the idea of something to give us a quick charge.  I guess this is how video games work or even searching on our phones simulates the hunt. 

The important thing is that the big goal has to be achievable in increments so that we can get to a place of small success. If the goal is not reasonable and seems so far out there that it will never happen then it won't work.  I guess I would call that milestones in the process.

It is funny to me that this is how I have always tricked myself into doing the next step towards getting something done. Convincing myself that it was just this small thing that needed doing today and not to worry about how big the project is. In the program we would say "you can eat an elephant one bite at a time". 

In the old days I would get paralyzed by the size of a goal and if I didn't think I could get it done perfectly all at one time I would just not do it. Now I realize that it was my desire for perfection that keep me from even trying. Now I know that the planning is part of the joy I feel and I should enjoy the process instead of the result.  When the project is finished I will just have to make new plans and start all over with another project.

I guess that is why I do have the perfect job for me. I can do all the planning and turn it over to others to make it come to life while I am planning something else and activating those feel good feeling. The lesson is to make big goals but not too big and have milestones along the way to celebrate. I think this is especially important right now with so much time alone with ourselves.

 

Order and Chaos

This is my birthday month and I gifted myself with a art workshop the past weekend.  Two full days of creating and producing are under the guidelines of a retired art professor.  The instruction given was to be loose and repetitive not really my cup of tea.  I did what I always do and just put something on paper to get me started.  As the teacher circled the room she said really nice drawing but not what I instructed.  I am new to the group and she was cautious about her direction at first. I finally said "give me direction" she said to draw the pile of bones on the table without looking at the paper.

I did it an produced a decent drawing.  My middle name is order and her middle name is chaos.  I am glad that I didn't look at her work before the workshop or I might have decided not to sign up. At the end of the first day I was tired and asking myself "do I care about doing art anymore?"

Doing art has been a part of my earliest memory.  I kindergarten we colored one day and painted the next every day they would ask us, "Did you paint or color yesterday?'  I always said, "I colored" so I could paint.  I loved the vibrant colors of the tempera paints.  In my teens I skipped my other classes to hang out in the art room telling my teacher that I had a study hall. Art was my salvation even though I never was seen a gifted by the teachers or encouraged in any way. Artist can be elitist amongst themselves it is a competitive world and insecurity runs deep just like any place else.

I feel that just like anything else the ego needs something to make it feel special.  Something to identify with " I am an __________."  This what we do not who we are and it is hard to give up if you don't want to do it anymore.  Who will I be without this label? 

When I crashed into darkness this was what I felt.  I knew I was not longer the person I use to be.  I was floating around with no identity with the people around me waiting for that person to come back.  This is a trap that makes us feel stuck in places we don't belong anymore for a really long time.  For me the change was forced on me and I felt I couldn't live without being the person I was before.

I felt I was floating out there being nothing. I knew I couldn't go back so lingered for along time in no where land. Nothing interested me for a long time.  This was so painful but I got use to it and quit fighting it and when I finally let go I felt lighter. I did the necessary things I had to do to get through the day and that was it.

We are taught that we are who people say were are or who we say we are even if it doesn't feel right anymore. Art was my salvation from those days in kindergarten.  I still love color and create everyday in my work but I don't need to be saved anymore.  I can do art because it is fun and not because I need to get the pain out. Ir isn't who I am it is just a couple days filled with art.

I loved the workshop and will do it again.  The group was very supportive of each other. It was scary at first when my own ego felt like I didn't belong there with other artist but I go over myself.

I met some interesting people and by the second day I felt refreshed and put out some nice drawings. The teacher said " I know I am intimidating but I mean well."  I said "people say the same thing about me."  I have no problem with straight shooters it is those that don't say what they mean that can blind side you.

It was good to get out of my comfort zone and I do have some ideas for art projects.  It was exhausting at first but chaos can be fun if you just let go.
  

Making a decision - Stuck - Fantasy

I sometimes wonder if what I am writing here is doing anyone any good at this point. I started writing this blog when it felt like the only way for me to stay alive.  I mean that in a literal sense.  Every word that came out of me helped me to endure just one more day of the emotional excruciating pain I was experiencing at the time.  In my mind my life had been reduced to ashes and I was starting over again and I resisted with every fiber of my being.

Because of my resistance I stayed stuck for a long time.  I also believed this made my body react by rejecting health and my adrenals failed and my thyroid stopped working. I was thin and refused to go to the doctor. In my emotionally and mentally weakened state I wasn't sure there was a solution to my problem or if living was really for me.  I kept going despite what my mind was telling me.

I tried to do the things that worked for me when I was left at 30 by the man of my dreams. Ironically last night I dream about him I was lost in a strange city and the only phone number I had in my phone was his and I called him to come and get me.  He never said yes before we got disconnected.  He is still not there I guess. In my pain it felt hollow to repeat the things that I had done before I was more spiritually mature and it seemed obvious that all the work I had done on myself didn't keep bad things form happening to me. 

The first time I thought I could mold myself into a pillar of spiritual strength and attract only goodness in my life and it worked for awhile anyway but in the end I still wasn't good enough and was left again. I couldn't reconcile the fact I was exactly where I was before.  This conflict cause me to stay stuck for what seemed forever.

What I would say to the broken person I was then is that crap happens to everyone and there is no magic bullet to stop it. You can only do so much and then you got to just live and be happy being who you are. We get trapped in the idea of working on ourselves forever when it is suppose to free us to accept ourselves and just live. 

I feel feel whole now for the first time in my life. I am thinking about what am I going to do with the rest of my life. I do want to live deliberately for a change deciding how I want to spend my time instead of just riding things out and waiting for something to happen.

Yesterday I spent 2 1/2 hours on the phone with my sister using face time for the first time.  It was nice we showed each other our planted flowers in the yard. She has a lot things in her world that she can't do anything about right now.  You can't really solve other people's problems they have to be ready to receive help. I am an excellent example of that. She isn't ready to hear that.

We get entrenched in our version of life and only when we are ready to admit that it isn't working can we move on.  We don't want other people poking holes in our fantasy version of life.  Only when the pain becomes too much do we start looking for an answer. Our mind says "I can't do this anymore". 

I have had a great journey here with this blog and I haven't decided to quit writing yet but I feel this is coming to an end for me.  It seems I am getting mostly traffic from some porn site in Italy so it doesn't feel that I am making a difference.  Until next time.

Stuck - Swamps or Rivers - Victims by choice

I went for my last hypnotherapy session yesterday I came out feeling really wonderful.  It is not meant to be a magic cure for secret pain and suffering just a way to relax and focus on where you want to be instead of where you have been.

I know where I have been and I do know when I am at my worst what I am saying to myself.  Mostly all problems stem from not being enough.  Whether that is at work or in my personal life if I am not meeting the expectations of the people around me or worse I am not meeting my own expectations.

I use to think of myself as a good person.  In every situation I would think "what would a good person do?"  Don't get me wrong I didn't do this consciously it is the way I was raised in the church.  We also believed that turning the other cheek was what we should do and it is sometimes. 

I have always done the right thing even if it meant I took the brunt of the pain and suffering .  I was more comfortable being the sufferer than watching someone else suffer. I was comfortable being the martyr and in the end it got me a lot of sympathy when I had been trampled on. Woe is me once again jilted by someone that loved themselves better than they loved me.

I know this seems really harsh but it is true. As Christians we were raised that it is our place to be persecuted.  It is also convenient to dismiss our part in being left maybe no one wants to live with a doormat. I threw in the the christian part because that is how I was raised.  Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.  I do live by this most of the time without being a doormat.

Jesus was not a passive man if you are using him for the christian example.  He broke every rule of his time and he ultimately died for it.  He questioned every standard set by the rule makers and the passive way that everyone went along with them. I like the idea that he was a radical.

Back to my own experience.  I have learned that being the victim and being mad at the other person for choosing themselves is a  dead end street.  I had to get over feeling like somehow I was a better person for staying way too long and ultimately feeling grateful that the other person had the guts to leave. Harsh again.  People have a right to choose themselves.

As a repeat victim I felt comfortable in the role.  I don't see myself as a victim anymore and if I participate in something it is because I want to do it and not because a good person would do it. If it starts to take a toll on me then I have to stop.  I have to take care of myself and expect the other person to do the same.

I know I am bringing up Jesus again but I realized that most of the miracles he performed he did ask the person to have some skin in the game.  They had to show their commitment to their own healing. by their faith or every doing some ritual they thought was beneath them. Sometime he made the state the obvious "I am blind." Then he would perform the miracle. Maybe a sacrifice of humility.

Lately I have felt on the extreme giving side without appreciation. First my job is like that daily and then in my personal life too. I have withdrawn to take care of my side of the street. This way I can know my own motives and stop expecting something in return.

My therapist remarked that I needed to get things moving and stop be stagnant. My neighbor said the same thing to me today.  Talking about her family she said "they needed to get out of the stagnant swamp and back into the river."  I love metaphors as you know so that really stuck with me and will help me get un-stuck.

Putting my story to bed - maturity

I am back from the big a event and a longer than usual visit with my sister.  It all went perfectly and the happy couple are happily honeymooning in a secret location on the coast of Mexico.

The first night as I sat at a table with my life size version of Cruella Deville I felt like I was having an out of body experience. She talked to me between barking orders to her own daughter about how she should be minding her great granddaughter. This is my stepmother of course  the one who forced me out of my own home at 16 with my dad standing by her side silent.

I sat there staring at her for awhile she still looks 20 years younger than her age. This for sure is not an accident many hours and many thousands of dollars on beauty products have made her the person she is today.  I don't think she has had surgery just hours of pampering.

Okay that is about only the venom I can come up with about her.  Truthfully and thankfully this was a final chapter of closure for me. Her daughter, from the marriage before my dad, talked to me about the fun times we had together.  She was six when they married and was uncontrollable and pulled a knife on me once when I was babysitting her. She would get so mad that she turned purple.  I would beg my dad to not leave me alone with her. Fun times for sure.

My sister and I were talking about how bad she was and she mention the time I tried to throw her down the stairs. I corrected this story she had about me.  I told her she was throwing my stuff down the basement stairs and it was crashing and breaking.  I did tell her if she threw one more thing down the steps she would be going down too.  This was the first time I stood up to her physically.

I know I always harp on the idea that everyone has their story.  The stories we have about other people and even the stories we have about ourselves are distortions of the truth.  A memory of an incident that we have rehearsed over and over in our own mind tweaking it ever so slightly each time. We carry this with us and attach either happy thoughts or resentments to these memories. It is just our version of what happened and seen through the eyes of in this case two people that were eleven and fifteen.

The idea of my step mother is my final story.  The one person I had stories around that still hurt me. It is time I put them to bed.  Over the course of our visit she told her own story several times of how her first husband cheated on her and left her. She didn't date for six years until she met my dad. When she was telling this to me I thought "you have never gotten over that have you?" Just like I have never gotten over my story of her the way she treated me and the fact that her rejection changed the course of my life forever.

It isn't easy for me to let this go and to forgive her, not that she is asking, for the part she played in alienating me from my family.  I do take responsibility for building on that alienation instead of returning to the scene of the crime as an adult and demanding my rightful place in my family.

I have spent most of my life with the child inside wanting them especially my dad to see my worth and tell me he loved me and wanted me to be a part of the family.  He never knew how his indifference to me has made me spend a lifetime trying to feel worthy of love.  He did love me and said it the few times we spoke but he was shut down emotionally. His family are all like that people of few words or emotions and I knew I would never get what I wanted from him. I accepted this.

In our minds we carry versions of our stories.  Our own versions and clinging to those versions can keep us locked in a darkroom.  It can keep us busy not living for today and we can find other people that are stuck in the same kinds of hurts that make us feel it is okay to stay stuck.  It does feel comfortable and familiar.  We definitely have a right to feel hurt and what happened to us is unfair but now it is time to move on.

This has been a process of maturity for me I didn't want to admit that I was the one keeping this going. I have given up most of my story and don't tell it too often these days if it might help someone, like here or if someone ask me. This I feel is the last piece of the past holding me back.

It isn't easy living without a story and for some it is unthinkable. I had someone ask me once "I am my story where would I be without it?" I said "free maybe".  This idea of life without a story means for me that I have to find something else to fill that space.  My life feels a little lighter since I got back.  I did have grieve the loss of my stepmother story more lettling go and I may have to put it to bed again at some point but for now I feel free.

Letting go - One box at a time

You know you are only ready when you are ready. I spent the the day going through boxes and getting rid of things.  It started this morning after I took a ride on my recently resurrected beach bike. I guess the exercise gave me the energy boost I needed to tackle a few other things.

I usually have to trick myself into tackling all day projects. I do this by committing to some small project and then letting it morph into something that takes all day and today it was no different. Today I decided to change the lock on the basement door.  I bought a new lock a few weeks ago after my key kept getting stuck. It was the last of the polished brass knobs left in the house.

I had to kill a fat spider living in the hole where the latch is received. After the death of the spider I quickly finished the installation and was admiring my work when I started looking around. Everything there was covered with dust and spider webs and smelled of mold.

I remembered having such dreams for the this house. I imagined all the great things that would happen here.  So many possibilities  I had dreams of sharing it with someone. I thought at least it would be filled with friends.  I couldn't know what was headed my way or that I would have to create another dream for myself.

Today I decided to clean up the basement. I went through most of the boxes that have been storage there since my roommate move in an then out. I haven't been able to get rid of anything from the past because I wasn't sure who I would become or if the person who liked those things would appear again some day and want her stuff.

I am getting the idea now that she is gone forever. She really did like crafts. Candle making, glass tile mosaics, printing and even a box of stencils with brushes and paints.

I also found boxes of dishes my aunt gave me. I was in my late 20's when she offered me the dishes with tiny pink roses on them.  The edges had are silver plated. They had some chips but I thought they were beautiful and since she was never too generous in life I was thrilled she would give them to me. It made me feel special.

I cherished all things that represented family to me.  I had lost mine and was looking to surround myself with anything that belonged to my family.  After my grandmother died I had a house full of her furniture including a piano.

Over the years I have let go of most of those things including the piano. I didn't realize I still had those dishes.  I thought "what girl would think those dishes were to be cherished?" I think girl is the operative word here.  I have been a girl most of my life looking for something I had lost.

At least now I know I am not a girl anymore. I also know now that none of these physical things can satisfy me. I am not interested in crafts anymore but I still interested in transformations of any kind.

I have transformed myself and my house many times.  I also make a living transforming the spaces of other people.  I feel pretty satisfied with my life today and feel good about letting go of the the girl I use to be one box at at time.

People just don't change - Or do they?

We had a meeting this week with the owner of the company he was telling us the plans to reorganize given the resignation of one of the companies key players.  He made a statement that made me want to raise my hand and object.  He said "people just don't change ".

I wanted to say "people don't change unless they want to" but I didn't think a sales meeting was really the place to bring that up. Sometimes people even change even when they don't want to. Life's circumstance can force you to rise up and be more courageous then you ever imagined you could be.

Sometimes you feel like you just got to flee knowing that you are choosing the hard way. You aren't willing to listen to reasons and something inside just has to make a change no matter what the consequences. My friend that left was stuck and jumping overboard seemed like the only answer to being stuck. I know it will work out no matter what.

In my own life I have been mostly forced to change.  I have a tendency to stay too long in my relationships whether they are personal or professional. My analytical mind calculates the time invested with the my fear that there isn't anything better out there. This idea together with the hope that the other person or company will somehow magically change keeps me stuck.

When I chose to leave my business and take a new job with this company it was the first time I moved on first. Granted I had a few years of stagnation before taking the leap. If you read my blog you know it wasn't a easy transition for me. I felt like I had been sent to boot camp except without any body telling me what I should be doing.

I am proud of myself for making the leap and surviving.  I really have learned a lot and have the resources I need to do as much business as I want to do without being managed too closely.

So I am here to say anybody can change. If you wake up unhappy most days it is probably time to make some kind of change. Even if it is something small it will start the ball rolling.

Don't expect a lot support from other people when you start to make changes because you are disturbing their idea of you. We put each other in little boxes in our mind it makes us feel good to think we really know someone. If they change we think we were wrong and question out judgement about them and everything else.

Since I have experienced many changes I learned to not hold on too tightly to anything or anyone. I try to enjoy what is happening now and accept that everything is always changing even if I can't see it on the surface.  It is the way life is and holding on only tires us out.

Making changes to make us happier is always a good choice eventually.  Sometimes is small changes are enough to make our days lighter and we can be more loving to the people that love us.

Stuck in La La land

I am suppose to be working but feel I am still stuck in La La Land. I thought that having time off would get me to a place that I could start facing what needs to be done, whether I like it or not.

My spirit has other ideas today. My mind is giving me the business as usual. What is wrong with you?

This is your life we are talking here, you got to get moving!

In my younger years I could force myself to do just about anything no matter how much I hated it for as long as it took. Maybe after years and years of this I have had enough. It is a little scary to be like this and I wonder it some disaster might be waiting for me if I can't get myself to comply.

I am not sure how to restore myself and get my spirit back in the game. I thought 10 days off would be enough but maybe dealing with my family didn't give me time to find any joy.

My mind is saying right now, just grow up and get your butt in gear. Your an adult so act like one. Everyone has responsibilities, why do you think you're any different?

So I guess I better go an tackle a few things on the list or maybe I will go to the movies.

Picture from Mediabistro.com

When is one day at a time denial?

I opted to go to a meeting at lunch today. It has been about 3 months since I went to a meeting, I just felt like it, so I went. The meeting was on gratitude to follow the Thanksgiving theme and I do feel grateful that the program gave me a new life and a new way of thinking.

After the meeting I got a sandwich at the AA snack bar and sat down at a table outside to enjoy the warm weather and eat my sandwich. I woman from my meeting was getting in her car and suddenly turned around and came back an sat beside me. She began to tell me how after 20 years her husband stop drinking and now he has been sober for a year and things have only gotten worse.

His friends did an intervention but when he got out of rehab he didn't go to AA. So she is living with a angry dry drunk. She has determined that she is in grief over the fact that sobriety didn't solve the problem and she is still alone. She has been in Al-Anon for the whole 20 years and now what is next?

She says she is just going to wait it out and live one day at a time and see what happens. I have done a lot of waiting in my own life because I thought if I just stuck it our some miracle would come along and things would be better. In my first marriage I waited while the alcohol virtually erased the man I was married to and by the time he left there was nothing left of me either.

Is the one day at a time scenario just a form of denial? I have used it when I was in crisis and could not imagine a way out. I know that it is another story for those staying sober one day at a time, but denial is dangerous and you can wake up and decades have past and nothing has changed.

This is how I felt about the conversation today a lot of people stuck and not thinking they deserve more or can't even imagine the possibility of more. It is easier than facing the unknown to stay in the cocoon of our own making. You will never turn into a butterfly if you don't eventually come out and it might turn into a body bag at some point.