I have been in a little slump this past week and feeling guilty about my lack of gratitude. I haven't felt inspired at work or at home for no reason I can put my finger on. I remember a friend saying to me one time "do you think you are suppose to happy every day?" I had to think about that and I guess I did think that then and maybe I do now.
Happiness is a pretty hard thing to define. I guess for me it is more like contentment and being in the moment. It is only my mind that can ruin the day for me now. Don't get me wrong day to day stuff can really test you and nobody likes ugly surprises. I don't stay there long I have learned to not let much of anything take away my peace. It is only thinking of the big picture that disturbs me.
I often think that I should be doing more with my life than I am. Sometimes I think that is just my ego thinking the world can't live without my great talents. Other times I think the lack of forward action on my part is me not willing to go the extra mile. Instead when I am not working I find myself spending many hours watching TV or working on my house.
In the past I have had the life where every second was filled with supporting other people. In my personal life, my work life and even my spiritual life. I was always really busy but exhausted all time and over the years I have backed away from those obligations. Now I just encourage the people I interact with everyday when the opportunity arises.
I have spent a lot of my life dealing with some kind of crisis feeling like I just wanted to get through the day. I felt like this for decades and suddenly my life is only filled with the normal ups and downs and it is unsettling sometimes. This is old patterns of thinking from my childhood just staying a few steps in front of that tiger chasing me through the jungle. With time that feeling of excitement can feel normal and finding peace feeling so strange. I have regrets about those crisis years I missed so many moments of happiness just wanting to be somewhere else.
I am grateful to not be the person I use to be and writing this has helped me to be happy today. The good thing about finding peace is that it gives you time to live life more deliberately. The good thing about feeling unsettled is that it does eventually motivate you to make changes. I am off to work now and happy to have a job I love.
Wednesday, February 26, 2020
Tuesday, February 18, 2020
What is really important - Coping with life
I left work an hour early today feeling a little sad and tired. The sun hasn't shown itself in a few days that could be part of it but mainly because I also spent the afternoon with a client whose daughter was paralyzed this past year in a car accident. She is only 14 and they are renovating their home to give her better access.
I wasn't looking forward to the appointment because I wasn't sure the state of mind they would be in at this point. I have been dealing with a friend of theirs until today. I was surprised by the energy and humor their daughter had. Are we more resilient at 14 or maybe it is the personality that we are born with that decides how quickly we adapt.
I can't image the pain their family has endured to get to the point of functioning again. This is when you think "what is the plan?" Is there some get spiritual plan where this all is happening for a reason? I am going to say no at this point and yield to my theory that life is random and you just have to make the best of what is handed out to you. I think we are in a better place when we look back and can see the gifts a bad situation has given us. The divine plan helps us to have closure.
I can tell myself to be grateful you have what you have today and that you are not being asked to accept the unthinkable. What about the mother seeing an knowing the trials ahead for her daughter. What about the drivers involved knowing that a young girl's life has changed forever. How would you not think about the millions of choices you could have made differently that day to prevent this outcome?
Life can deal out some pretty terrible cards and you just have to keep on playing like it or not. A mother with three other children can't stop an mourn the loss of the dream she had for her daughter. She has to just keep moving that is all anyone can do until healing take place and we accept this is the new norm.
I will say that as humans we can adapt to just about anything thrown at us. Some do it with grace and some do it by diving off the deep end either way it is still coping. We emerged changed forever and in my experience with a new reality about life and what is really important.
I wasn't looking forward to the appointment because I wasn't sure the state of mind they would be in at this point. I have been dealing with a friend of theirs until today. I was surprised by the energy and humor their daughter had. Are we more resilient at 14 or maybe it is the personality that we are born with that decides how quickly we adapt.
I can't image the pain their family has endured to get to the point of functioning again. This is when you think "what is the plan?" Is there some get spiritual plan where this all is happening for a reason? I am going to say no at this point and yield to my theory that life is random and you just have to make the best of what is handed out to you. I think we are in a better place when we look back and can see the gifts a bad situation has given us. The divine plan helps us to have closure.
I can tell myself to be grateful you have what you have today and that you are not being asked to accept the unthinkable. What about the mother seeing an knowing the trials ahead for her daughter. What about the drivers involved knowing that a young girl's life has changed forever. How would you not think about the millions of choices you could have made differently that day to prevent this outcome?
Life can deal out some pretty terrible cards and you just have to keep on playing like it or not. A mother with three other children can't stop an mourn the loss of the dream she had for her daughter. She has to just keep moving that is all anyone can do until healing take place and we accept this is the new norm.
I will say that as humans we can adapt to just about anything thrown at us. Some do it with grace and some do it by diving off the deep end either way it is still coping. We emerged changed forever and in my experience with a new reality about life and what is really important.
Sunday, February 2, 2020
The lies we tell ourselves - Living with alcoholism
The week has been full of uncertainty at work with one senior person in our small company accepting a terminal diagnoses and stepping down from their position. My manager taking on more responsibilities the last few weeks had a heart attack on Wednesday. We have been told that everything is fine and they be back to work tomorrow.
We like to go along thinking things will always be the same I guess that is human nature and how we survive. Mental health and well being is directly related to our ability to adapt to change. I never really saw adapting as a solution to change. I worked hard to keep things the same or even better to prevent on coming disasters from occurring.
The problem with my own preventative measures is that no matter what I prepared for it wasn't the disaster that actually showed up in my life. When I lived with active alcoholism I spent most of my waking hours trying to imagine the many possible problem scenarios my husband might get into when he walked out the door. I some how became responsible for him.
I didn't know I was trying to control alcoholism I just knew when he was out of my sight bad things could happen. At first it was smaller more innocent things like losing his wallet or his glasses. Then he seem to get hurt a lot when he played basket ball at the Y downtown often ending up in the emergency room. Then there was the tickets never actually a DUI but mostly reckless driving.
At this time in our lives we didn't have any money or health insurance and with everyone of these things it caused a major set back for us. As time went on it got worse and then it seemed he was never where he said he was going to be and never came home when he said he would. The company he worked for was known for their party atmosphere and once a year had a big weekend party where no spouses were aloud to attend only customers and employees.
One year I got a call at four in the morning towards the end of our marriage asking me to come pick him up. It was an hour drive and I had to be at work at eight. I didn't go and it turned out this was his first infidelity and he blamed me and of course I blamed myself.
He became a stranger to me and until that time we had never spent a night apart in seven years. I knew I was losing him and I fell into a deep depression. Nothing was working I tried everything to bring back the person I knew and loved but he was gone. He turned on me a blamed me for everything that was wrong with us. I accepted that blame because I didn't know any better.
I told myself if I was a better wife then we would be happier. At some point I shut down because I felt paralyzed by the lack control I had. It came to an end one day when he said he didn't love me any more and that he wanted out. I was devastated and forced him to go to counseling. The sessions started out separately and he would tell them he had a girl friend and they would tell me to move on. I didn't know for almost a year that their was someone else.
I am not sure why I am writing about this today. I guess the love I had for him really kept me from seeing the problems we had were bigger than the two of us. My thinking I could control him and the outcome kept me exhausted and feeling helpless.
Addiction comes in many forms and is a product of coping with something awful that has happened to us when we are young and don't have the maturity or support to deal with what is happening. It then becomes our way of dealing with life and depending on the substance of choice it can become permanent.
We both experience the death of our mother at eleven and our lives were chaos from then on. I turned to control and he turned to booze as a way to stay sane. His dad drank for three years after the death of his mother and he had plenty of access and no supervision.
We were a perfect match two broken people with similar needs. It was like I lost a part of myself when he left and I really never got over that loss. I think because for a long time we were like one person and we understood each others pain. I could not follow him when he left me for the drink. The women were just a part of the escalation of the alcoholism.
He married the other woman and they have stayed married. The last time I saw him a week before their wedding he told me that he would never love anyone the way he loved me. He was lying of course always playing to the audience in the room. He sent me a letter later on making amends to me for making me the villain.
We make our own pain complicated and we drag the people we love down with us. We run thinking that we can get away from that monster chasing us in the dark. We are kids when this habit begins and if we could just have the courage to stop and turnaround and face it head on we can see it isn't real. It is just lies we have told ourselves that can be revealed. We aren't broken we just believe we are broken and it is this belief that keeps us where we are.
I am at peace today and know that I am free from my own monsters for the first time. I only wish I could help other people see just how simple it really is and I didn't have to spend decades suffering to find freedom from the pain. The lies we tell ourselves keep us stuck forever.
Today I try to roll with what is happening today and don't try to control things anymore. Life just on and magically things just work out. We aren't always happy with the results but we get over it.
We like to go along thinking things will always be the same I guess that is human nature and how we survive. Mental health and well being is directly related to our ability to adapt to change. I never really saw adapting as a solution to change. I worked hard to keep things the same or even better to prevent on coming disasters from occurring.
The problem with my own preventative measures is that no matter what I prepared for it wasn't the disaster that actually showed up in my life. When I lived with active alcoholism I spent most of my waking hours trying to imagine the many possible problem scenarios my husband might get into when he walked out the door. I some how became responsible for him.
I didn't know I was trying to control alcoholism I just knew when he was out of my sight bad things could happen. At first it was smaller more innocent things like losing his wallet or his glasses. Then he seem to get hurt a lot when he played basket ball at the Y downtown often ending up in the emergency room. Then there was the tickets never actually a DUI but mostly reckless driving.
At this time in our lives we didn't have any money or health insurance and with everyone of these things it caused a major set back for us. As time went on it got worse and then it seemed he was never where he said he was going to be and never came home when he said he would. The company he worked for was known for their party atmosphere and once a year had a big weekend party where no spouses were aloud to attend only customers and employees.
One year I got a call at four in the morning towards the end of our marriage asking me to come pick him up. It was an hour drive and I had to be at work at eight. I didn't go and it turned out this was his first infidelity and he blamed me and of course I blamed myself.
He became a stranger to me and until that time we had never spent a night apart in seven years. I knew I was losing him and I fell into a deep depression. Nothing was working I tried everything to bring back the person I knew and loved but he was gone. He turned on me a blamed me for everything that was wrong with us. I accepted that blame because I didn't know any better.
I told myself if I was a better wife then we would be happier. At some point I shut down because I felt paralyzed by the lack control I had. It came to an end one day when he said he didn't love me any more and that he wanted out. I was devastated and forced him to go to counseling. The sessions started out separately and he would tell them he had a girl friend and they would tell me to move on. I didn't know for almost a year that their was someone else.
I am not sure why I am writing about this today. I guess the love I had for him really kept me from seeing the problems we had were bigger than the two of us. My thinking I could control him and the outcome kept me exhausted and feeling helpless.
Addiction comes in many forms and is a product of coping with something awful that has happened to us when we are young and don't have the maturity or support to deal with what is happening. It then becomes our way of dealing with life and depending on the substance of choice it can become permanent.
We both experience the death of our mother at eleven and our lives were chaos from then on. I turned to control and he turned to booze as a way to stay sane. His dad drank for three years after the death of his mother and he had plenty of access and no supervision.
We were a perfect match two broken people with similar needs. It was like I lost a part of myself when he left and I really never got over that loss. I think because for a long time we were like one person and we understood each others pain. I could not follow him when he left me for the drink. The women were just a part of the escalation of the alcoholism.
He married the other woman and they have stayed married. The last time I saw him a week before their wedding he told me that he would never love anyone the way he loved me. He was lying of course always playing to the audience in the room. He sent me a letter later on making amends to me for making me the villain.
We make our own pain complicated and we drag the people we love down with us. We run thinking that we can get away from that monster chasing us in the dark. We are kids when this habit begins and if we could just have the courage to stop and turnaround and face it head on we can see it isn't real. It is just lies we have told ourselves that can be revealed. We aren't broken we just believe we are broken and it is this belief that keeps us where we are.
I am at peace today and know that I am free from my own monsters for the first time. I only wish I could help other people see just how simple it really is and I didn't have to spend decades suffering to find freedom from the pain. The lies we tell ourselves keep us stuck forever.
Today I try to roll with what is happening today and don't try to control things anymore. Life just on and magically things just work out. We aren't always happy with the results but we get over it.
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