It has been raining here a lot and this does dampen my spirit even if I pretend that it doesn't. I have to admit diving into my old pictures has stirred some feeling up. Not really sad feelings but some feelings of dissatisfaction with where my life is now. People have families and I feel like I don't. I do have a family but one that really never thinks too much about me.
I found out they went to the beach for vacation last week. My sister told me a number of people she tried to get to meet them there for a visit. I wasn't on that list. I use to meet them there every year until I got divorced and then they stopped inviting me. They use to come to my house every year for Thanksgiving until I got divorce and then they never came to visit again until last year.
I found some pictures of those Thanksgivings and how we cooked for sometimes as many as 30 for the day. One year I got the great idea of having everyone dress as pilgrims. We had a about six kids in the group and they loved it. Back in those days I wanted everything to be perfect because I was unhappy. I was always thinking of ways to improve the situation and make things better for other people.
This feeling that I am not wanted has plagued me since childhood. To make up for that I always take the position of making sure everyone else felt welcome and that there every need was met. This can sometimes attract those who like to sit back and be taken care of without appreciation.
Indifference is a sneaky form of abuse that causes so much pain. There isn't any specific incidence or words that can describe exactly what happen. No argument or slamming of doors no verbal ridicule. It just makes you feel invisible. Like my sixteenth birthday when no one remembered.
I feel like I have been invisible most of my life. Especially to my family and in my intimate relationships. In my professional life I was a success because a few people recognized my contribution and promoted me over and over. Even when I lost my corporate job it was because I made it look easy. Quietly managing a huge department where nothing went wrong. It wasn't until I left that they realized they had no idea the scope of the work. My ex-boss made amends by getting me a consultant job paying twice as much as my old job.
I was taught by my mother that it isn't right to toot your own horn. The meek shall inherent the earth and God can see the good you are doing and that is enough payment. When I was a child I was always starving for some kind of validation from my mother. If I cleaned my room and brought her there to see it the reply would be "well it is your room and you should want to keep it clean."
I heard "never enough" she was saying "there is always room for improvement" the ideas are both true and I get it now. I have heard my sister do the same things to her kids. Pointing out how they could do better instead of "good job" or giving solutions instead of just saying "you are going to figure this out - you are smart it just takes time."
In my early marriage I picked someone who believed in me. Even reading the letters from him he said encouraging things to me. Of course the amends letter he admitted manipulating me by using the doubts I had about myself as ways to hurt me. He was smart enough to know exactly what he was doing.
What I do with the indifference is I take it for a long long time and then I walk away. First emotionally once I am gone emotionally it forces the other person to move on. On the dark side I feel used and unappreciated to the point I am dead inside. I withdraw my contribution to the relationship. I let them leave me because it is what I am comfortable doing.
In the past ten years I have made the decision to get out of situations that are no longer good for me. First leaving the small shop I worked for and owned part of. I also left a few long time friendships because they felt one sided and what once felt like enough for me suddenly wasn't.
I don't want those indifferent relationships anymore and I feel happier just being on my own. I feel less resentful and I don't feel like I am waiting around for something to change. I am a committed person to anything I do and I am looking for the same commitment to me from the other side.
I am going to work through my feelings with my sister. She was raised with the same indifference that I was and it wouldn't occur to her that I would even want to meet them at the beach. She has done the same thing as I have training people to not appreciate her contribution being in a marriage where only one person's wants or needs are important. Working in the background waiting for her rewards in heaven.
I feel better after getting this out and seeing that the way I feel has a past. I can see that none of this is happening today except in my own head. I am free to make the best of today and the sun is actually shining at this moment. What could be better?
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