Indifference - Emotional abuse - Not enough

It has been raining here a lot and this does dampen my spirit even if I pretend that it doesn't. I have to admit diving into my old pictures has stirred some feeling up. Not really sad feelings but some feelings of dissatisfaction with where my life is now.  People have families and I feel like I don't. I do have a family but one that really never thinks too much about me.

I found out they went to the beach for vacation last week.  My sister told me a number of people she tried to get to meet them there for a visit. I wasn't on that list. I use to meet them there every year until I got divorced and then they stopped inviting me. They use to come to my house every year for Thanksgiving until I got divorce and then they never came to visit again until last year.

I found some pictures of those Thanksgivings and how we cooked for sometimes as many as 30 for the day. One year I got the great idea of having everyone dress as pilgrims. We had a about six kids in the group and they loved it. Back in those days I wanted everything to be perfect because I was unhappy. I was always thinking of ways to improve the situation and make things better for other people. 

This feeling that I am not wanted has plagued me since childhood. To make up for that I always take the position of making sure everyone else felt welcome and that there every need was met. This can sometimes attract those who like to sit back and be taken care of without appreciation. 

Indifference is a sneaky form of abuse that causes so much pain. There isn't any specific incidence or words that can describe exactly what happen. No argument or slamming of doors no verbal ridicule. It just makes you feel invisible. Like my sixteenth birthday when no one remembered. 

I feel like I have been invisible most of my life. Especially to my family and in my intimate relationships. In my professional life I was a success because a few people recognized my contribution and promoted me over and over. Even when I lost my corporate job it was because I made it look easy. Quietly managing a huge department where nothing went wrong. It wasn't until I left that they realized they had no idea the scope of the work. My ex-boss made amends by getting me a consultant job paying twice as much as my old job.

I was taught by my mother that it isn't right to toot your own horn. The meek shall inherent the earth and God can see the good you are doing and that is enough payment. When I was a child I was always starving for some kind of validation from my mother. If I cleaned my room and brought her there to see it the reply would be "well it is your room and you should want to keep it clean."

I heard "never enough" she was saying "there is always room for improvement" the ideas are both true and I get it now. I have heard my sister do the same things to her kids. Pointing out how they could do better instead of "good job" or giving solutions instead of just saying "you are going to figure this out - you are smart it just takes time." 

In my early marriage I picked someone who believed in me. Even reading the letters from him he said encouraging things to me. Of course the amends letter he admitted manipulating me by using the doubts I had about myself as ways to hurt me. He was smart enough to know exactly what he was doing.

What I do with the indifference is I take it for a long long time and then I walk away. First emotionally once I am gone emotionally it forces the other person to move on. On the dark side I feel used and unappreciated to the point I am dead inside. I withdraw my contribution to the relationship.  I let them leave me because it is what I am comfortable doing. 

In the past ten years I have made the decision to get out of situations that are no longer good for me. First leaving the small shop I worked for and owned part of. I also left a few long time friendships because they felt one sided and what once felt like enough for me suddenly wasn't. 

I don't want those indifferent relationships anymore and I feel happier just being on my own. I feel less resentful and I don't feel like I am waiting around for something to change. I am a committed person to anything I do and I am looking for the same commitment to me from the other side. 

I am going to work through my feelings with my sister. She was raised with the same indifference that I was and it wouldn't occur to her that I would even want to meet them at the beach. She has done the same thing as I have training people to not appreciate her contribution being in a marriage where only one person's wants or needs are important. Working in the background waiting for her rewards in heaven. 

I feel better after getting this out and seeing that the way I feel has a past.  I can see that none of this is happening today except in my own head. I am free to make the best of today and the sun is actually shining at this moment. What could be better? 

Changing - Giving up what seems natural

I am in a good space working on my yard.  I feel balance mentally, spiritually and physically.  I am still giving all the credit to the Keto diet.  I don't remember feeling this good except when I was in love.  New love anyway.  How can that be?

Our whole lives are geared towards eating. Maybe the memories we have of our mother's making special meals for us. The relationships that grew over eating meals together.  I have a lot of those first at my Al Anon mother's house in my thirty's.  We had big parties and the two of us worked together alone in the kitchen.  Something I didn't have with my own mother.

I then moved on to my adopted family.  My ex's family and a few of my Al-anon friends that migrated with me.  I cooked with love and after many years finally felt at home.  After ten years I felt relatively safe as long as I kept doing what I was doing.  That was the deal even though never said it was implied that I would continue to take care everything.  I didn't mind I had been doing that all my life and it was the safest I had ever felt.  Of course three years later that life was over basically finished over night a 13 year relationship was over.  We have spoken once since then.

The rest of the story is old and I am sick of it by now. I have recreated myself since then some things intentionally and some changes forced on me.  After all of the work I have done in counseling and in Al-Anon I never even considered addressing my diet and that changing it could change me.

I could say that the way I feel is because all the stars are aligned now and that is why I feel so good.  Maybe that is partially true but my mind is different.  I don't get stuck in the problem loop like I use to dwelling on the past or any particular problem.  I feel whole and excited about what is going to happen next. I have never experienced this as an adult.

The change isn't easy and has stunted my social life for sure.  I have long term relationships built around food.  I am rarely hungry and that makes the reward of eating less interesting to me.  Since I am not that interested in food my love of cooking has mostly disappeared.  I need very little to sustain me each day.  I did order the Flavcity Keto cookbook coming out May 15th.  His food is similar to what I like to eat and not too complicated.

I think I am really happy in a healthy way for the first time.  I feel separate and whole not wanting for anything today.  I have to say a word about Mother's Day.  My own mother even though I didn't have her long did good job preparing me and my sister for her not being around.

She instilled in us that we needed to think for ourselves.  She wasn't controlling and let us fall and suffer sometimes.  We were encouraged to work it out for ourselves even if this meant suffering
for her.   Thanks Mama.

Maturity - Being wrong

Our live model and teacher

Every day I realize just how wrong I have been about everything in my life. I can see now that when my mother died I stopped maturing. Without her I had to become my own parent. This isn't really a good idea.

I did grow up quickly and learned how to take care of myself and how to keep other people happy. I didn't know until recently that I have been emotionally eleven. I can't believe that I am even admitting this but it is true.

I married my emotional equal twice. Both adult children, both potential alcoholics but it didn't matter. The first I tried to change the second post 12 steps I didn't. They were both loving and generous but just like children found their new best friend a little more interesting.

I can see how immature I have been now and realize the act of thinking someone can make you happy forever is a real stretch. I can't even make myself happy for very long.

I think I am finally adult enough to be in an adult relationship. Now I just have to find another adult.

I am happy for the first time in a long time. My happiness isn't dependent on any one person or any one thing to happening. I just want to do things I enjoy with interesting people all the time.

I went to an drawing class last night. It was fun and everybody brought food. It felt like some how I am back where I belong.

PS. There is a Ted Talk on "Being Wrong" that says it all.

Expectations - Peace and the joy of a nap

I felt overwhelmed and exhausted yesterday and left work at 5PM, went home and crawled into bed. It was an hectic day and I thought I was going to be alone in the office but instead and parade of people, not customers, were coming an going.

My partner had texted me that she wasn't coming in because her mom couldn't keep her daughter. I had and expectation of quietly accomplishing everything on my list. This did not happen and I ended up in a swirl all day with no food.

The air was being fixed. How many people does it take to fix an air condition? They fixed it on Monday and then it was decided that if we are going to cage the two units that a slab must be poured to accommodate both units and to be able to affix the $800 large welded cage being built to protect the $20 worth of copper inside the unit. It makes me tired just writing that.

After I woke up from my nap I made myself a burger. A rare thing for me to have fresh food in the house especially meat. I had some squash and then grapes for dessert and watched my favorite show Idol. I felt like I was on vacation.

I did get a call from my friend that I painted with on Monday. She was concerned that I left suddenly that afternoon. She thought is was something she said. As I was driving home that day it did occur to me that she might think that.

I use to think like that that everyone was always reacting to something I did or said. I sadly found out that everyone is really just thinking about what is going on in their own head and their moods rarely have anything to do with me. I am only the center of my own universe.

I explained to her that I finished my painting and felt too tired to start something new and went home and took a nap. It is allergy season and I have a lot on my plate these days. I haven't been able to nap the last 4 years. During menopause you are just happy to sleep at night. But I am returning to normal and the joy of a nap has returned.

I finished the evening with an hour of yoga and Pride and Prejudice. I bought the book a long time ago and never read it. After watching "You've got mail" a half a dozen times it occurred to me that I had the book and decided to see if it could hold my attention. Not an easy job. Tom Hank and Meg Ryan read it together in the movie.

The past 4 years I also haven't been able to do any recreational reading either. I was only interested in reading spiritual text. I was surviving day by day and wasn't interested in fiction for fun. It seems I am past that now and getting comfortable with the person I have become and the life I have now.

In my post yesterday I was writing about the voice in my head never ceasing. That isn't really true anymore for me. Sometimes it is eerily quiet in there with little or no commentary. I didn't think that was possible and it had taken a bit of time to get use to to it. I think they call that peace.

It feels good to be happy again and feel like I can handle life's normal ups and downs. It was exhausting living on the edge and I thought it would never end. Peace at last.

Photo aplacetolovedogs.com

Know yourself - Trying to find balance

I am tired today and still have a lot of work left to do before I go home. This week sped by and some parts were not too productive. I have to acknowledge that part of it is my own problem solving style that holds me back.

When I am tackling a project that has too many parts and pieces and no way to streamline the process my brain gets fried and I get stuck in one place too long. I usually try to tuck something else in the middle of the task for relief or wait until I am feeling more capable. This week none of that worked.

I kept moving forward and after spending a day sorting out plumbing for a customers bathroom I found out what we thought would work wouldn't. I had to start the whole selection process over again. If I could I would delegate this to someone else.

I really felt stressed because I knew the customer was waiting for me and it is taking me too long. I am pretty patient with other peoples personalty quirks but with my own I never meet my own standards.

This whole stuck in the quagmire happens a lot when I am over loaded. I feel bad because I can't meet every one's expectations. It isn't good to disappoint when you work on commission.

I finished the above project this morning and sent it off in email. It took me too long and I might have lost the job but I did my best even if it wasn't good enough.

Knowing myself and accepting that everything does work out helps sooth me when I feel that I am not working too efficiently.

I worked six days this week which is part of the problem. I am planning on being off Sunday and Monday even if I will be further behind. I am trying to find some balance.

Not so cheery today. Hope everyone is enjoying the early spring it is finally raining here and that does make me happy.

Getting rid of excess - From the inside out.

Since I have awakened from my slumber it has occurred to me that I am behind. I really want to get my life in order. I have done the spiritual part and now I need to tackle the physical world.

It seems everything needs to either cleaned or fixed or thrown out. I was looking at my clothes and thinking, have I really been wearing this stuff? Everything is dingy and worn and the whites aren't exactly white anymore. Where have I been and just how long was I gone? It is hard to believe I am really back for good this time.

I am also working on cleaning a organizing the showroom and office. I went in on Sunday to tackle my office and one display. I am clearing out the almost 40 years of accumulated stuff. The former owner never threw anything away. Everything has the potential to be re-purposed. I get that I am like to re-purpose things myself. But some things are just trash.

We have a huge attic full of scraps and old cabinets. Once while he was on vacation we took two dumpster full of stuff out. Moved the newer stuff to the front. He never noticed. I felt bad for about a second then got over it.

I was feeling a little bit like a martyr on Sunday but it was my choice and since I have been asleep so long it feels good to just work hard. I was exhausted Sunday night and had some aches and pains. I took yesterday off and decided not to have any agenda.

I made a big pot of soup with dumplings and invited a friend over for a quick meal. I knew he was headed to a class and wouldn't stay too long. I wanted to be alone and enjoy being awake in my new house. I am so happy to myself again and to be comfortable alone. I can't really say my old self because that person is gone I am really a new and improved version.

I not scared or scarred anymore. I feel light as a feather and stronger than ever. When your walking through the dessert you aren't really sure just how long the journey is and since it all looks the same you can't image there is an end. But I am here to tell you to just hang in there nothing last forever.

I feel gratitude and abundance today. Since I surrendered the work situation I have had non-stop customer. Sunday while I was working I turned the open light on and a couple came in that needs a new kitchen. I looked pretty grungy but they didn't seem to mind.

Life is good.

I was off yesterday and couldn't get out of a funk. I went to my tried and true methods for shaking off the despair I was feeling. I read uplifting literature, I watched my favorite recorded shows and ended with a three movie marathon.

All were excellent distractions but the minute they were over the feelings reappeared. I finally decided maybe journaling would help bring the real answer to the top. I find that writing past the first page I can get to the real issue.

It seems to come back to the same thing for me, how did I end up here? Did I make bad choices in my life? Was I not enough for the people I loved. Apparently I wasn't or we would still be together. Truthfully no one is enough to meet all of another person's needs. The trick is that both people have to know that. Instead of looking for greener pastures. In long relationships you either grow together or apart.

I still feel the funk today and opted to come into the office before a late appointment today. I can't expect to feel happy every day. I can be grateful that I don't feel the way I did a few months ago.

With work at top speed I think trying to relax on my days off is hard. Going 0 to 100and back to 0 isn't that easy. I have faith that I will not be alone forever. I am just now coming out of a long period of grief and depression and starting to get strong again. I know timing is everything.

Telling Stories

I have been reading about the idea of each of us having our own story. A story that we have created by own perception of the circumstances of our lives. The ideas that we came up with on our own and some that were handed to us.

The book was written by the author of The Four Agreements. A very life changing book for me. I will have to leave that for another time.

This idea that it is our own minds that hurt us. That it is the reliving of the past in our own minds that keeps the pain alive. I think I finally understand this for myself. Could it really be that simple?

It made me think how in the morning we wake up and are free to begin again or we go over to the closet and put our old labels on. Our heavy coats covered with the labels we have given ourselves. The labels related to not being enough for ourselves or others. Everybody living within their own story.

Can I give up the novel that I have written about my life good and bad? Is it possible to live without the constant dialogue. The commentary or is it too scary to see how the words in my head are just that words in my head.

Can I go back to childhood before I knew too much to be happy.

Mustard Greens and Music

I am home tonight and making some mustard greens and listening to some music. If you are not from the south, mustard greens are collard green's bitter cousin. You are suppose to cook them with some smoked pork slowly for a few hours and then serve them with cornbread.

In my grandmothers house this was a huge process. Greens were not just for Thanksgiving and I helped her look the greens many times, this is what she called it, looking the greens. She said they always have grit on them and after all the waiting you don't want anyone to get any grit. Her method called for stripping out the spine and filling a sink full of water and letting them soak until the sand sinks to the bottom. We would repeat this process until she was satisfied that there was no grit.

These days I feel like those bitter greens. I have had my spine ripped out and now I am floating and waiting for the grit to sink to the bottom. Silly, but I couldn't pass up that analogy. It is appropriate for me right now, but I am not bitter today.

Waiting and being subjected to a cleansing of sort. I think I must at least be on the third soak by now, not quite ready but soon. Then comes the slow cooking, worth the wait? I hope so, because patience is not one of my virtues. I think that is the point.

Never pray for patience I have heard and for the record I have never prayed for patience. I am changing I know and tonight I am feeling happy and in a place of acceptance.

My grandmother would say anything worthwhile is worth waiting for, or her own version on that. In my family there was no such thing as instant gratification. If you didn't work for it it wasn't worth anything. I hope she was right for I am here just floating and waiting for the grit to sink to the bottom.

In the water

My day on the water was spectacular. I have never been in a kayak, once a long time ago I did go on a canoe trip. My ex got sea sick in boats so it wasn't something we did. The weather was amazing and the conversation interesting. It was strange to talk for three hours without actually seeing someone and not be on the phone.

It has taken me a long time to get in a small boat, I have been on some bigger boats but not any that I was the motor. I actually love the water and live on a little inlet. I think this is why I love Syd's blog so much and envy his stories of sailing. As a child I had the opportunity to sail once a summer and have some great memories. As an adult once when I was in my 20's my husbands friend from work had a sail boat and took me out for a few hours and I can still remember every detail of that day.

I am tired and my arms are weak but I kept up and did my share of paddling. I felt a little sick from too much sun and had headache by time I got home. I took some aspirin and I decided to soak in the tub to help my arms, but as usual I don't have the patience so I am writing instead.

I am grateful to do something different today and something that has been on my list for awhile. Being outside and doing something physical is a spiritual experience for me and makes me feel more a part of the bigger plan, what ever that is.

The truth only belongs to me

I had another crack of dawn meeting this morning and got a chance to see the sun rise while speeding down the highway. I feel so grateful to be happy again that I felt emotional and was actually listening to music in the car. I haven't been able to do that in a long time.

The truth is my perception or idea about something. It isn't any one's reality but my own and when other people don't join in and put the same energy into my reality I get really pissed off.

I can only see my own perspective and deal with my own emotions. I am a slow learner, I just can't take things a face value or suck it up and move on. I have this huge learning curve that I face every time my life gets turned upside down. I have to analyze it to death before I can bring myself back from the dead.

This is my way and apparently the only way I know to process change. I think the analyzing just gives my heart a chance to heal.

So I am happy to be happy today and I am grateful I have work to do and I should go do it now.

Learning to love yourself

I watched Oprah last night and they were talking about weight gain and addiction to food. Oprah talked about how when recently she said no to someone she immediately wanted to eat and how now she realized that this went back to her childhood and the repercussion she faced when she didn’t please someone. Her Grandmother would whip her and then threaten her if she cried about it denying her emotions so she needed an outlet.

No matter what we do there will always be that small child inside that seeks the approval of someone and the need to feel approval and unconditinal love. Learning to love ourselves is the hardest part of recovery. Our obsessions whether food or the alcoholic are a symptom of denying our feelings. Sometimes it is saying yes when you want to say no or being in a relationship that no longer supports us. We say yes when our subconscious is saying this isn’t what I want any more and then feeling guilty for not appreciating what we have. Not wanting to face those feelings of being trapped.

Seeing things as they are sometimes is more than we can take and so we run towards something else. Facing the truth about what we are feeling doesn’t mean we have to walk away from something or somebody just that we have to ask ourselves what do we want truly want. Everyone deserves to be happy and loving ourselves enough to be honest about our latest obsession can start to release the pain of the past and find small ways to redirect our lives towards what we do want.

Christmas Dream Book

I was reluctant to write about Christmas in light of yesterday’s post but I have recovered from the mood I was in and would like to share a little gratitude.

As a child Christmas always started for me with the Sears dream book. I spent hours and hours looking through it and circling my deepest desires. I knew there wasn’t a Santa at a pretty early age and my only hope was that my mom and I were on the same page. This was rarely the case. When I woke up on Christmas morning I usually received nothing I had circled. The gifts I got were even better than I imagined and they always required imagination or creativity.

You see my mom knew me better than I knew myself. She knew that the toys I picked out would never keep my attention for very long. That holds true for me today sometimes what I want isn’t really what I need. I have to trust God to know what will really make me happy. Just like my mom he knows what is right for me even if I don’t know myself.

Once you get what you need the catalogue is a distant memory.