Sometimes you just feel like you are on the edge of something. You don't really know why but there is something in the air. This time of year especially for me I get a little more time for reflection since it is way past getting anything major project done before the holidays.
It is a beautiful day here at least 70 degrees and I felt for a moment inspired to go to the basement and get my wreath for the front door. For a moment I looked at all the boxes marked Christmas and then decided to pull them down one by one. I had a whole box of lights marked 2012 and decided to open it.
Each set of lights inside had been carefully wrapped in loop and tied with a twist tie. This is when I thanked myself for being on the OCD side of life. I was able to just plug each group of lights in and see if they worked and all but one still did. I put them back in the box to carry upstairs along the wreath.
When I got to the top of the stairs I stopped and thought "do I really care about this kind of stuff anymore?" I wonder what happened to the person that lived and loved this kind of stuff? Is this what happens when you get older and you have less people in you life?
Sometimes I wish could go back to being that person. The truth is that person hasn't existed since I was a child and maybe that is how it should be. In my twenties living with active alcoholism I demanded that my husband help me go all out decorating for Christmas. I remember we spelled out NOEL over the garage using about a million nails. He thought I was nuts and maybe he was right. I wasn't happy.
I couldn't let what was happening in our real lives affect the perfect Christmas. We would go to a Christmas tree farm every year and cut down our tree. The first year we split I made him go with me anyway thinking this would re-kindle our love and he would leave his girlfriend for me. Can you imagine how pleasant this was for us. I do think this shows he did at least respect me to agree to this. He could have just been terrified to cross me at that point.
I have to admit I don't let myself get attached to anything or anybody these days. Dealing with the pandemic and being ask to isolate has been a perfect match for me. Before I would feel guilty for not making plans or seeing anyone over the weekend but now I can hide behind the pandemic.
I see plenty of people during the week and do have conversations over the phone so the quiet is nice. The question of the day is will I put up those Christmas lights? Maybe.
I feel neither happy or sad today and have spent the day doing errands and watching Hallmark. This makes me both in the spirit of Christmas and brain dead at the same time. Those people with perfect lives and great jobs and oh those decorations.
While I was out today I did buy pumpkin to make dog biscuits for my co-workers. I did this last year and it was a big hit. It always keeps me from contributing to their sugar consumption.
I am grateful for where I am in my life today. Although I feel 2021 will have some good changes in store for me. I hope I am ready.
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