I have so many drafts in my box for this blog it embarrasses me. I have been drifting in out of some low level of sadness. Attending two funerals in the past two weeks is something to be sad about. Neither person I was close to but I understand loss and how when the crowd disperses you are really left alone to rebuild your life from scratch.
The ministers words of treasures in the sky were meant to sooth the crowd but sounded pretty hollow to me. Everyone means well but their is no soothing a father left with a daughter of sixteen.
My sister was sixteen when my mother died and my dad had no skills for even taking care of himself let alone me and my sister. Back then women ran the household and the men deposited their checks and drove the family where ever they were going.
My mother had prepared us for her departure teaching us life skills so we would survive so when the bills went past due for a couple of months my sister took over for my mother. When I looked at my co-worker's daughter sitting in his office this week she look like a baby. She is a star soft-ball player without a care in the world until last we when her mother was found in the shower. They think from a brain clot.
On the other hand my uncles death was not expected but predicted he has been sick for a lot of his adult life. He has left a legacy of addition with one daughter and her three daughters and their spouses left to manage everything. The preacher preached to them directly because they have all been in and out of jail and ending last week at the hospital with his daughter being escorted out after making a scene.
Her own mother passed about ten years ago and now she will be left in charge of what was theirs. The service was strange and sterile and didn't convey the real character that my uncle was. In his family the only introvert other than my grandfather who was a bootlegger in his 20's.
The rest of the family including my deceased aunt stuck to the straight and narrow for good reason I guess. My grandmother was the main bread winner and worked in a mill for 25 years to make sure the kids were fed. The church hadn't seen my uncle since his wife passed and with his daughter in charge of the funeral there was only one person that spoke followed by three country music songs.
I went because my dad's side of the family are really the most like me. They were neglected by us growing up because my mother's side of the family were all drinkers and always in crisis. My mother the youngest took on the roll of crisis manager and we didn't have time for my dad's family. They were silent sufferers and would never ask for help.
My mind has been all over the place for awhile now looking for meaning of some kind. Today a friend came by and helped me to retrieve some pavers offered to me by my neighbor and we wore ourselves out moving them. This is what I need to distract myself but I did tweak my back.
I am going to my other neighbors for dinner tonight. I don't know her and the last time I was in her house I was in the middle of my breakdown and didn't make a good impression. Since then her husband has passed and we will try again. We do have a lot in common and she did invite me so I am keeping an open mind and hoping for the best.
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