I have gotten through my grief and feel happy again. I have to remember that with every dip I always come back higher than before it began. My spirit is processing something and if I can just hang with it I will reach the other side. I am always changing and if I don't resist it will happen quicker. I just have to trust myself and all the work I have done to find peace.
I had a curious dinner with my next door neighbor. Only the second time I have been in her house. The first time I was invited it was when I was in my darkest place without any social boundaries. Someone ask me how I came about living next door and I told them my story. I was so raw then and didn't have the energy to consider how the other person might receive what was said. That was ten years ago and since then her husband passed from a long term heart problem.
If is not likely that if you are asked a question that anyone really wants to know a sad answer. No one wants to hear that you aren't well. During this small get together the topic of the day was food and the latest heart healthy recipes. In contrast I was trying to decide if I wanted to live so it was awkward for everyone.
This week during our 3 hour dinner we found out we have a lot in common but most of what we have in common was the person I was before. She loves astrology - acupuncture - meditation - psychics - liberal politics. She even has a program to do your chart based on your time of birth. I used to use all these things as a way to encourage myself to try to feel better. I am at peace now not looking for outside answers.
All spiritual roads lead to same place is what I know now. All these things are interesting and entertaining but they are not a destination. When I was girl I used astrology books to make myself feel better about who I was and even hid one under my mattress. Astrology in my world was of the devil but I loved hearing good things about myself it was the only positive input I was ever going to get. The beginning of a life where I had to pat myself on the back to keep going.
Once my stepmother was plundering my room as she often did and found my book and I was grounded for a few months. I bought another one and kept it at school. I learned quickly that life was only about survival. You can only trust yourself and sometimes not even yourself. I have used many methods to find security and safety for myself. Hanging the serenity prayer in my first apartment at sixteen. God has taken care of me even though I haven't always believed in God.
What I do believe in is something greater than myself at least my physical self. I do believe that there is a higher self within us that is outside the limitations of our conscious mind. This spirit is always trying to nudge you towards what is right for you. It is only drowned out by the basic human fears that we face everyday. We run towards anything that can give us temporary relief from feeling uncomfortable.
Throughout my life I have learned to first see how my own thoughts were hurting me and then start to change those thoughts with whatever means possible. I am not helpless in an irrational world I can focus on bringing my own mind and body to a place of harmony and gratitude.
Our emotions are mixed with the people around us like it or not. If we can feel secure in our own peace others people will not be able to affect us. This takes stepping back from the crazy makers in our lives and knowing that we can choose to not get caught up in the drama. Drama only works when it is fed.
It is hard to break this cycle and it will make them try harder to bring you back in but it is your choice. It is always your choice even if you feel trapped by your circumstances you can decide to just choose peace in your mind. Physically the other person can sense the change and it will disengage them even if it only for a moment.
I think with the recent dip I have moved through another spiritual level. I have reached a point where I can just trust myself to be enough for any situation. I can stop thinking I need to be more or I need to be like someone else. I know myself well and my inner self will guide me through the ups and downs and I will be alright. Life feels random but the more grounded in peace that we are the less we will be shaken by it.
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