I have always looked for some kind of confirmation from other people to be sure that I was good enough. Especially from the people closest to me just waiting for them to say " what a great job you have done." This makes me think about when I was a kid and my mother made me clean my room and I would show her the result and she would point out something I missed or comment that it was my room and I should keep it clean for myself.
This was my family mind set and my sister has also parented the same way. No one ever says a good word of encouragement and for a child you hear "you are not enough." I think this leads to trying constantly to meet the expectations of those around us. People love it too and they love you until something happens and you just can't be your old pleasing self anymore.
You hit a wall of being used up. You don't know you are used up until it happens. I watched the movie "The Breakup" last night which is painful to watch. I have been in this kind of relationship many times. For my part I would quietly do the things that I always did seeing myself as being the best person I could be for the relationship and the other person doing just what they wanted all the time.
It is their right to do this and it was my right to imagine I was participating in an equal relationship. This isn't just the happily ever after relationships even friendships can feel so one sided. They like you because you are reliable and will always be there if they need something.
I don't think anyone is to blame it is just a good match. I do think it is my fault that I didn't know I need to be appreciated. Being appreciated was like getting approval from my mother who always withheld that appreciation. By the time my stepmother came alone I was eager to please and when I pleased her then good things happened sometimes.
I think my point is with this post is that these are patterns laid done in our brain early and when they are repeated we think they are a part of who we are permanently. It is the repetition the makes them harder to get rid of. I have chosen to change this pattern.
I realize I have been my own worst enemy though out my life. First I always wanted something or someone to make me feel better about myself. I wanted someone to make me feel like I was safe and secure. My long term relationships have been mostly with stalkers who made me feel in the beginning that I was really perfect. This filled the emptiness and self doubt I had about myself. I loved that intensity that quickly faded when they found out I was just a regular person.
I found out that I could not show weakness of vulnerability. This was the kiss of death when you are suppose to be perfect. Unfortunately life dishes out things you just can't cope with and sometimes you do need help. This is when you find out what kind of relationship you have.
I am happy today without those people in my life. Would I try again with someone new? Sure. I am not thinking a relationship is something I need but maybe something I want.
I am my own mother now giving myself encouragement when I need it and even praise for a job well done. When I am lonely and tired I just rest and call someone. I don't beat myself up for having a down day. I know that tomorrow will be better.
I use to want perfection or at least productivity every day but sometimes I just need to rest and recharge and leave my to do list for tomorrow. I can do this without worrying it is the start of a pattern of laziness. I have accomplish a lot in my life and now I am focused on becoming a more accomplished artist. This is just for me and I am having a blast.
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