Last weeks post that didn't get published...
I woke up late today and took my coffee out to the porch. I heard a loud screeching noise from a flock of birds. It is very wooded in the back and I noticed a large owl sitting on a branch with dozens of birds flapping around him. He didn't look like he was that interested and was ignoring them. I wondered what it would be like to get that kind of reception where ever you went.
We are different from the animals in that we have psychological feelings and the animals don't. I am guessing the doesn't sit around and thinking "why don't these birds like me?" Maybe asking their mate "what can I do to be more liked?" She might reply "stop eating there children for a start."
I think we are the only ones plagued by self awareness and are worried about what other people think of us. We really mostly care about our inner circle but in general we expect everyone to like us. My mother taught me early on that not everyone would like me. Mostly because we were persecuted Pentecostals. It was expected that children of God would be outsiders in this world and not understood by the world.
I was comfortable with being on the outside for many reasons. I did help that I could lean on the religious angle to back me up. It definitely didn't help the way I dressed and the fact that I couldn't participate in the dance session we had every Friday.
It is funny now that I don't really fit in with the God's chosen group either. I never could buy the whole story that we had the answers and everyone out there was going to burn. I remember asking my daddy "what if we are wrong and those other churches are right?"
It didn't make sense to me that we would be the lucky ones and all the other nice people were doomed. He was not happy with my many questions and it was the beginning of me having to choose between us and them.
I have lived my life on the fence which is a very insecure place. I haven't been able to believe without question anything really. I can always see the merits of both ideas if you are in the chosen group what better way to feel safe and secure. It doesn't explain when bad things happen to good people. The story of Job it is all just a test. The holes in all the different beliefs are the same.
I do believe we all have a spirit and some carry negative energy with them. Their brain has locked in on some event and they are stuck. Eckhart Tole said that he was so stress and agitated that is mind just couldn't take it anymore he had a spiritual awakening. This is a story many people tell about there spiritual awakening.
I have experience this myself I had a steady obsessive mind manically looking for the answer to my unhappiness and the negative self talk just kept searching for the answer and then there was nothing. One day I just woke up empty and calm and I have been that way ever since.
I read about this medically that when the brain reaches a point it can't function it basically snaps to protect it'self. I couldn't function any longer where I was and I needed a correction. It felt like nothing I had experienced before. Someone said to me pointing to some books I bought "the person that bought those books is gone aren't they?" "Yes" was my answer I have no doubt that who I was before "the awakening" has been replaced.
First replaced by nothing and then slowly moved back to the person I was as a child. Without the imprints of sorrow and loss that being human lays upon you. It is an awkward place to be because you can see easily where others are because you have been there but you know you can't really help them. I want to shout "it isn't real" the pain you feel you are causing yourself with the words in your mind.
I feel like the owl in the tree today just doing my own thing while birds are flying around me screeching. I don't even hear the screeching anymore. I care deeply that others suffer and offer words of encouragement but when your mind is in chaos - you can't hear me - I can't save you.
I do believe those that become addicted probably have a mind like mine. One that can only be tamed with some kind of substance. It only works temporarily and then you want more. The answer I think is recognizing it is both physical and emotional and dealing with both sides of that is the only answer.
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