Poker Face - Cold as ice - wasting time

Every time I write here I think I should stop.  I started this blog during the great recession when I spent six days a week in a shop alone waiting for customers to come in.  They did come in once every couple of of weeks.  I had hours upon hours to kill and I was suffering from a mental breakdown that I didn't know about. Brought on by the stress of my relationship ending - having to move - menopause - and ultimately Hashimoto's disease. 

People just mostly thought I was nuts.  I didn't have insurance or money so I did not go to the doctor until the worst of it was over. I am stubborn and self sufficient and can seem others put together on the outside when I am falling apart on the inside. The catch phrase "never let them see you sweat" is my motto. Ask my ex's they will say I am cold as ice but only when I am losing everything and there is nothing I can do to stop it. 

I didn't want their pity or guilt even though with both endings it was followed by emotional breakdowns I held my poker face until they weren't watching and then dissolved into my grief. Hey "If you don't want me then I want to make sure you think I don't need you". Sick I know but this is how I have battled the storms of my life. 

I cry at sappy commercials and can't watch parts of movies where I know someone is about to get emotionally hurt. This is why I watch movies over and over because I know how things are going to turn out. 

This blog has helped me to stay alive when I wasn't sure it was really worth it. It has helped me to have compassion for the actors in my story and to have compassion for the me the person who helped write the story. I have done my best with the skills life gave me even if I hurt other people and myself along the way. 

I have built my life around the circumstances of my childhood.  I believed the words of other mere mortals and took them as gospel and lived my life thinking something was wrong with me. This sounds crazy to me now so I guess I am making progress.

Getting older - something I was sure would never happen to me - makes see how much time I have wasted trying to sort this out. This meaning "what is wrong with me?" 

My life is pretty empty now pulling away from the relationships that don't really support me. I feel more free than I ever have but in the back of my mind I sometimes I think "you have no one".  This a disturbing thought but not disturbing enough put myself out there.

About this blog - If you are interested in the words I put here - let me know.