Poker Face - Cold as ice - wasting time

Every time I write here I think I should stop.  I started this blog during the great recession when I spent six days a week in a shop alone waiting for customers to come in.  They did come in once every couple of of weeks.  I had hours upon hours to kill and I was suffering from a mental breakdown that I didn't know about. Brought on by the stress of my relationship ending - having to move - menopause - and ultimately Hashimoto's disease. 

People just mostly thought I was nuts.  I didn't have insurance or money so I did not go to the doctor until the worst of it was over. I am stubborn and self sufficient and can seem others put together on the outside when I am falling apart on the inside. The catch phrase "never let them see you sweat" is my motto. Ask my ex's they will say I am cold as ice but only when I am losing everything and there is nothing I can do to stop it. 

I didn't want their pity or guilt even though with both endings it was followed by emotional breakdowns I held my poker face until they weren't watching and then dissolved into my grief. Hey "If you don't want me then I want to make sure you think I don't need you". Sick I know but this is how I have battled the storms of my life. 

I cry at sappy commercials and can't watch parts of movies where I know someone is about to get emotionally hurt. This is why I watch movies over and over because I know how things are going to turn out. 

This blog has helped me to stay alive when I wasn't sure it was really worth it. It has helped me to have compassion for the actors in my story and to have compassion for the me the person who helped write the story. I have done my best with the skills life gave me even if I hurt other people and myself along the way. 

I have built my life around the circumstances of my childhood.  I believed the words of other mere mortals and took them as gospel and lived my life thinking something was wrong with me. This sounds crazy to me now so I guess I am making progress.

Getting older - something I was sure would never happen to me - makes see how much time I have wasted trying to sort this out. This meaning "what is wrong with me?" 

My life is pretty empty now pulling away from the relationships that don't really support me. I feel more free than I ever have but in the back of my mind I sometimes I think "you have no one".  This a disturbing thought but not disturbing enough put myself out there.

About this blog - If you are interested in the words I put here - let me know. 

Left Behind

I met a woman yesterday that told me her husband left her after 35 years of marriage. She said her friends want her to just get over it.  She actually lives in my old neighborhood and I shared that I also had been left and that it takes a long time to get over idea of what you thought your life was going to look like.  He left her for another woman how shocking.

I have a lot to say about this topic.  I use to think that this was just bad people doing bad things or selfish people who really can't keep their promises.  Now I think that it is a lack of maturity and most people are looking for someone to fill the giant space inside we all carry.

Sadly the space is permanent and nothing or no one can fill that long term. Happy mature people know this and find ways to fill this space inside their promises. They see that being bored and feeling trapped is part of every one's life from time to time and you just have to find a way through it. 

In the middle years where chaos reigns and your just getting through the day you don't have time to think about your personal happiness. When the kids are older or for me when I found some success in my career it gives you a chance to look at where you are and the emptiness can surface. In our society of happily ever after we think out mate should be what makes us happy.

In my last relationship I could see this happening and I knew from experience that there was nothing I could do about it. I tried on several occasions to have the talk but I was dismissed. This was just like my first marriage avoid having grown up conversations about what wasn't working.  I just stayed busy until the solution of another woman solved everything.

It is the perfect solution for one person.  You can tell yourself you just made a mistake and you can start over an believe that you will never end up where you are now again. The boredom is certainly gone for at least a few years while you merge your life with someone else work out through all those issues.  No time to slow down and think.

I think the emptiness is always there and has to be filled by a lot of things.  I think for myself and the brain I was born with it needs a lot different  things to keep me from feeling bored and empty. I liked being in a relationship because it made me feel secure enough to pursue other interest.  It made me feel anchored and safe to just live.

I have been alone along time now and I have had to reached a point where I can be happy with who I am and know that sometimes I am going to be bored and restless.  I know that a relationship would not solve this for me and even if it did it would only be temporary.

I felt bad the that women whose husband left her and really understand what that feels like.  It is the  death of the dream that keeps us in grief so long.  We imagine our lives being a certain way and then we have to adapt to the new dream. If feels so overwhelming at first but eventually we see the dream was mostly in our minds and not our day to day reality.

Acceptance - Heartbreaking - Running

Acceptance is something that has been forced upon me over the years.  I always felt when people talked about it that it seemed like giving up or at least giving in to unacceptable circumstances.  Now I feel my own lack of acceptance at any given time really is the source of my unhappiness.

My thoughts were always "I don't want this to be happening to me right now" or "I don't want to feel this way right now".  At this point I usually run as fast as I can towards any distraction instead of just sitting with the uncomfortable feelings I am having.

This week my friends daughter was diagnosed with something bad. She is a recovering addict for eight years from crack and other things. They say her situation is terminal and short term. Everyone is in shock and trying to find their place in this new situation. Her mother my friend has Parkinson's and her daughter and her husband moved here to help look after her as he illness progresses.  What now?

Life isn't fair and it is so random.  I use to think that if I did everything right then I could keep the bad stuff at bay. We have spiritual beliefs that give us the illusion that with the right behavior and mind set we can protect ourselves from our worst imagined fears.  These beliefs do give us support during our transition from shock to acceptance but life just keeps happening.

Acceptance is all we have when life is heartbreaking if we push back we miss the moments that are happening now. The spaces of happiness that can be found every day.  The weekend before we got this tragic news a few of us had gone to new local restaurant. It was a beautiful night with breezes blowing in July so we sat outside. The food was great it was the perfect night. None of us could imagine what the next week would bring. We all soaked it up and something perfect to remember.

I do believe in the spiritual and my search for it has brought me back from what felt like was permanent darkness. The power of the spiritual is that we can open ourselves up to life as it happens instead of running.

We don't want to waste time standing with our backs against the wall bracing ourselves for the next impact.  We have to let life wash over us knowing that it is not our fault it is just life.  Blaming ourselves or anyone else is just away of running from what is and thinking we can control might come next.

Acceptance can give us moments of peace to see what is right in front of us. To see what is going on with the person sitting right there in front of right now what comfort do they need. Instead of wasting time being miserable about the future we will have plenty of time for that when it comes.

Angry man update - You never know

I wrote last week about this really angry man that came into the showroom. Demanding and surly. He said he wanted the cheapest counter-top we had because they weren't going to live long.

We got into confrontation on what would be required for a deposit and he said he wasn't giving a deposit and I said if he could find that deal somewhere else he should take it. He stormed out.

I was surprised when his wife called me and wanted me to come and measure today. It was a bit daunting to think about being on his territory and having another confrontation. But I put my fears aside and went to their house this afternoon.

When I got there he was sitting inside the garage smoking. It is 100 degrees today. He was breaking from cutting the grass at 3:00 in the afternoon. Did I mention it is 100 degrees today. He said hello and I ask if I should go to the front door he said yes and his wife opened the door.

I walked in and she immediately told me that her son had a brain embolism and died two weeks ago suddenly. She showed me a necklace she just picked up with his fingerprint on it, he was only 41.

No wonder he said they were all going to die soon. Their son had started renovating the kitchen for them and hadn't finished.

As I was leaving she thanked me for coming after what happened last weekend. She said he is handling things his own way. I waved goodbye to him as I was leaving.

Life is not fair. I don't have kids but it seems like that would be particularly hard to come to terms with losing a child. It is out of the natural order of things.

I thought I was glad I didn't refuse to come to her house. It made think about all the people you meet that are angry or rude. Something made them that way. Maybe something that happened that day or a week ago or even ten years ago, who knows.