I picked up my old copy of The Power of Now just to see where I am on the spiritual spectrum. This book helped save my life quite literally because he talked about the voice inside as the ego. You have a listener and a talker up there whether anyone wants to admit it or not.
We stay so busy with listening to the talker we create a life in our head that isn't exactly the truth our personal version of the truth. If that truth gets bad enough and you can't cope you you have some sort of awakening. Also could be called a mental break of some kind. I think this happens when the version of life you had in your head doesn't match a hard punch of reality.
Then the ego we created to run our lives is not use to being seen as helpless and just keeps pushing and trying to find a solution to the unsolvable problems until there is no place to go. For me it was a number of things mostly grief that I ignored - the loss of the life I thought I would have even if I wasn't happy there at least I thought knew where I was going.
I am awake now as in "the power of now" when I have too much time on my hands like I did over Thanksgiving I can drift into what I wish had happened instead of what happened. This is great for my book but bobbing up and down in the cesspool of the past can leave me rotten. I feel hungover and worse I feel dead inside.
When I went black before I was in this state everyday all day for what felt like years. I was a zombie just doing things that I knew I did before but not really sure why. When I feel this even for a day I panic and think it is back to stay but I wake up the next morning feeling normal or normal for me anyway.
I didn't ask to have an awakening. I did always want to be enlightened when I thought it meant peace a tranquility all the time. I didn't know without the burden a giant ego telling me all the time that I needed to being doing something better or I should be further along or happier that I would have so much time. I still have that but only in small doses.
Eckhart Tolle says that we would be better off without the idea of time. It would make us less anxious about everything. I get that because we are always thinking about something other than what we are doing right now. I have decades I hardly remember because I was overbooked all the time. I felt like I was being chased and if I stopped it would be over and I was right.
I am happy most of the time unless I compare myself to other people's full lives and wonder what I did wrong. I talked to a guy at work yesterday and I told him I wasn't too busy and he said to enjoy it. He lost his wife last year and three sisters and a cousin so life is short and we should try to enjoy it. That made me stop feeling like I should be working harder and enjoy the freedom this season brings me.
