Living Solo - The ups and downs of finding myself

I think I mentioned this before but I am rereading a book called Canyon Solitude by Patricia C. McCairen.  I believe she was the first woman to solo down the Colorado river in 1994. This book is a coming of age story or really one persons journey of ridding herself of layers of the person she was told to be and the person she actually is inside.

By the time her solo trip takes place she has made that transformation with all the usual doubts popping up when you spend so much time alone. She has gone from a corporate NY job to living sometimes in the wilderness in a tee pee during winter with temperatures below zero. Not my idea of finding oneself but it is a good read.

It doesn't really deal with much of that just the daily the rituals of the trip with a few antidotes of how she arrived at securing permission to solo down the Colorado River.  The way it is written speaks to me and makes me realize that my quest to be my truest self is one of ups and downs and doubts and fears. I know I am not alone in this world on my quest. 

Counseling has really helped get to the heart of some of my false beliefs.  The part of my story that has laid the foundation of not believing I am lovable. She said I thought I was a victim in my relationships but I don't think that is true.  Yes in the beginning when I decide to leave home at 16 to protect my own sanity I did think - "why me?" I mostly have thought that it was because of who I was that made people reject me. 

By the time I left home my life had continuously about about survival. I learned that people really only care about themselves even though they are adults and you are their responsibility.  I know that everyone is just trying to survive and it is a rare person that can see past their own pain to help guide someone else.  It was such freedom to just accept I was my own responsibility and didn't have to maneuver around the wants and needs of my sick family.  

I became the same as them and built a wall between myself and the people I loved. Don't get me wrong I was there to bail them out or talk them off a ledge but I never wanted to burden anyone already hurting with my wants and needs. I did let one person break through emotionally and that ended in manipulation and fear and left me a shell of a person. 

I have over the years layer by layer removed the lies of my internal story.  The layers of painful things that happened to me that I took so personally thinking that these incidents proved that I was flawed in a permanent way. There was something about me that warranted being cast aside by the people that said they loved me.   

The real flaw was not showing that I was human and needed support too.  I surrounded myself with people who were happy to just take the support without having to give support in return. It felt like the perfect match until I had a crisis or I became weary and resentful in my role as giver. When this happens I withdraw and they find a replacement for me. 

I am not that person anymore and have lived neither giving or taking for a long time. Just like the woman on the boat I have become accustom to traveling solo and know I can do that. I have reached a point where I am looking for others like me who have become comfortable with who they are an just want companionship. I don't want to rescue anyone and I don't want to be rescued. I want to find adventure and peace together if possible.

Embracing the space - Trusting grace

There is a certain speaker that I just don't enjoy his messages seem staged to me and I usually just turn him off.  Today I randomly stopped and listened and it felt like it was a message just for me.  The topic "embrace the emptiness"

If you believe in something greater than yourself you can be open to hear or see something that seems like it is directed to you at that moment at that time. My experience with the bird this weekend felt like a gift just like today's message felt like a gift.  

I have been struggling with emptiness through the holidays. I have intentionally emptied my life over the years to find peace.  I don't just want to fill every moment just to get through it so I don't feel alone.  I have done that and it makes me feel drained and anxious.

The message today was about space in our lives to let something greater come in. It made me think of myself standing on an empty platform at a train station alone waiting for my train to arrive. I am not anxious I am peaceful knowing that shortly I will be on my way.

I feel my life has been touched by grace.  I have overcome many obstacles and in seemingly impossible situations I have been protected time after time. I know the only credit I can take for that is really just letting go and trusting that I can't do it on my own. I look back today at all the times I felt lost and empty like I have the past few weeks and know it will pass. 

The message was sent to me at just the right moment. Normally I wouldn't be home today or watching anything and again I wouldn't have been open to this particular speaker. I can accept the grace in the words "emptiness is leaving an opening for something greater than what we can imagine".

It feels awkward and for the doer in me I ask myself "what if nothing shows up and you never feel excited or inspired about life again?" Can I trust the emptiness? 

I have been cleaning out my old files at work close to 300 or more files and I have also been purging at home. This has triggered an idea that I am finished with things as they are and I am moving on. This has made me feel panic inside since I don't have a plan but today's message was for me "you don't need a plan just trust the process". 

With the pandemic everything is different we are all different. Our culture of doing seems more empty than ever and we all are just trying to feel like our old selves but that person doesn't exist anymore.  We are forever changed and maybe that is a good thing and sitting with the emptiness is an opportunity to find out what will fill us with new joy. 

    

My turkey companion - Finding Peace

Today I was getting ready to blow the leaves off in my driveway when a turkey wandered into my yard. Now I am not in a rural setting where friendly wildlife is an everyday occurrence. I decided to sweep instead of using the blower. He or she stayed out there with me for an hour standing within one foot of me. The closer I swept to her the closer she came to me. 

I thought this was amazing to have a companion while doing my chores. She had no fear and walked through my pile of leaves kicking them around. I felt at total peace the whole time seeing the true miracle of life and survival even in an ordinary subdivision where the houses are built ten feet apart. 

It ended when a woman who walks the neighborhood interrupted us she didn't even see the bird until I pointed her out.   While we were talking the bird disappeared as if she was never there. 

My holiday has been long and I wrote a few post but lost interest before actually posting them.  I have been a little low "tis the season" but I am not complaining. I have to grab the time off when customers aren't looking for me so I am grateful even if it leaves me with a lot of time in my head. 

Today I am finishing up a lot of final things on my do to list. The weather here is about 20 degrees hotter than normal and all the plants think is is spring and are blooming.  This adds to a world that already feels upside down. You can't tell what time of year it is along with the plants.  

I am okay when I just stay in my peaceful place where I just do "the next right thing" it is only when I start wondering about the rest of my life and what I want to fill it with that I get into trouble. I feel stuck and bored and wonder if I am depressed. Does everyone feel this way when they stop long enough to think about where they have been and where they are going?

Sometimes being busy just feels like I am running from something which is what I did for years missing entire decades of my life and the people in it. I want to be awake and live more deliberately.  

I am back at work full on starting tomorrow and I won't have the pain or luxury of time to ruminate over the past.  I am going to make some changes this year getting back out there virus or no virus. I need to find somewhere I can use my talents to make a difference.  My new year's resolution if you want to call it that.  Hope everyone is peaceful and enjoying the hope of a new year. 

The Power of Now - Being Grateful

I picked up my old copy of The Power of Now just to see where I am on the spiritual spectrum.  This book helped save my life quite literally because he talked about the voice inside as the ego.  You have a listener and a talker up there whether anyone wants to admit it or not.

We stay so busy with listening to the talker we create a life in our head that isn't exactly the truth our personal version of the truth.  If that truth gets bad enough and you can't cope you  you have some sort of awakening. Also could be called a mental break of some kind. I think this happens when the version of life you had in your head doesn't match a hard punch of reality. 

Then the ego we created to run our lives is not use to being seen as helpless and just keeps pushing and trying to find a solution to the unsolvable problems until there is no place to go. For me it was a number of things mostly grief that I ignored - the loss of the life I thought I would have even if I wasn't happy there at least I thought knew where I was going.

I am awake now as in "the power of now" when I have too much time on my hands like I did over Thanksgiving I can drift into what I wish had happened instead of what happened.  This is great for my book but bobbing up and down in the cesspool of the past can leave me  rotten. I feel hungover and worse I feel dead inside.

When I went black before I was in this state everyday all day for what felt like years. I was a zombie just doing things that I knew I did before but not really sure why. When I feel this even for a day I panic and think it is back to stay but I wake up the next morning feeling normal or normal for me anyway. 

I didn't ask to have an awakening.  I did always want to be enlightened when I thought it meant peace a tranquility all the time. I didn't know without the burden a giant ego telling me all the time that I needed to being doing something better or I should be further along or happier that I would have so much time.  I still have that but only in small doses. 

Eckhart Tolle says that we would be better off without the idea of time. It would make us less anxious about everything.  I get that because we are always thinking about something other than what we are doing right now. I have decades I hardly remember because I was overbooked all the time. I felt like I was being chased and if I stopped it would be over and I was right.

I am happy most of the time unless I compare myself to other people's full lives and wonder what I did wrong. I talked to a guy at work yesterday and I told him I wasn't too busy and he said to enjoy it. He lost his wife last year and three sisters and a cousin so life is short and we should try to enjoy it. That made me stop feeling like I should be working harder and enjoy the freedom this season brings me. 

Being Alone - We hate change - The holiday

I am use to spending time alone but around the holidays my mind can slip into some sad places if I let it.  I do indulge myself a little here and there wishing things could have been different. I am spending Thanksgiving alone this year at least that is what I am saying now.

I was invited by an old friends house to join her and her normal group of holiday friends to have a vegan dinner plus Turkey.  I use to be part of the center of this group long ago when the world was younger and so was I. It was the only time in my life that I felt like I belonged and didn't have to worry about being myself. Over the years it got complicated.

The actual holiday meal wasn't that great emotionally. It was stressful and included a few non recovering alcoholics. I really don't like big meals with other people even though I catered these events in both my marriages. 

I am naturally and introvert even though I like people but only one on one. I liked putting together events but never enjoyed actually attending the event. So the questions is - Will I go? Maybe an opportunity to go back to my past. Yuck.

I don't believe you can successfully go back to any where in your life.  I prefer to limit this kind of return to a place in my head where my imagination can make it all perfect. I can build the room around my own happiness and all the characters are on their best behavior. 

The last real Thanksgiving I cooked someone said to me "this is bland" since they had just gotten out of the hospital after stomach surgery I thought it was appropriate. That was the end for me after cooking thousands of meals with love and care I quit just like that.

Sounds drastic and it kinda of was but I am like that. I can do something or be someone for a long time and then suddenly I just can't do it anymore. This is probably a bad analogy and I have probably written it before and apologize in advance. In my 30's I ate Lean Cuisine for lunch every day for years. One day I pulled one out of the freezer and I a sick feeling and through it in trash. I have never touched one since. When I am done I am done.

I have a lot of guilt about this being done part it has occurred with people as well a Lean Cuisine. In the words of a counselor "there is a long period of time between this is great and I am out of here."  She was talking about my ex's and their sprints out of my life without every actually talking about being unhappy ever. I guess I have done the same.

This isn't totally true I have tried to have the discussion that this isn't working with many people but let's be honest.  We want to believe in the fantasy we have created around the people in our lives and we want to believe everyone is happy and nothing will every change. It takes courage to speak up. People don't want you to burst their bubble and no one wants to believe you don't love them just the way they are. 

Even if you do love them sometimes it ends up from afar because you aren't getting what you need. You have had the life sucked out of you and  you just runaway as fast as you can. I have been run from and I ran when it felt like - What is the point ? - No one is listening. 

It is like - "You can't change the rules now after all this time!" This is when things end or people find away to be happy either with someone else or something that fills the void. Couples who brag about their long relationships that literally do nothing together unless it is for a public event. This isn't conscious it is just no one thinks anything will ever change.

I will be alone this Thanksgiving and I feel grateful for that. I don't want to just go through the motions of showing up to be able to say I had some place to go. Most people don't really get my life but I have been mostly happy alone the past few years. I am writing - painting - drawing and of course working and it feels satisfying. It is only during the holidays I feel awkward when people find out I will be alone. I only say when I am asked.

I am not a hermit because I love the complexity of the stories people have about their lives but I feel comfortable with who I have become and will spend the extra time off creating. 

I will probably write again before the holiday but if not - Happy Thanksgiving.

Controlling my ADD and OCD - Being enough - You bother me too

 I have had an up and down week - really up on Thursday afternoon when I worked on straightening out my new studio room.  Because I am ADD with a little OCD  mixed in I can spend a lot of time getting ready to do something. Organizing is my thing and getting everything just right is my game.  What happens when I do get it right my mind wants to constantly tweak it over and over. 

This makes me an excellent designer and I have an eye to get everything just right. Unfortunately when I am trying to accomplish a task the actually task never gets done. Always in a state of preparing for something not doing the thing.  After a lifetime of living with this I just make myself dive in and start working even if it is in a heap of mess on my desk. I just focus on the task and stay with it until I am finished. Blocking out my surroundings.

I did take the afternoon to organized and sort through all the stuff I have carried from other rooms to the studio.  I had a ladder in there with a bunch of tools where I replaced the ceiling fan last week with a 2 x 2 flush mount led light with 5000k bulbs.  The problem with getting older is there is not enough light ever. Now I am able to see perfectly with the daylight bulb.

I have been practicing portrait drawings from the 100 faces in 10 day challenge. The challenge is over and I am doing more like 10 faces a week. I have be drawing tiny little faces for some reason which is really different for me. I am using mechanical pens to get the details.

Now for the rest of the down part of the week starting with an angry man yelling at me because the price of what he wanted is higher than what he imagined. This is my world with pricing and the expectation of others. Usually it isn't the in my face kind of reaction - no mask either. 

The week went on and Wednesday without knowing it I was exposed to Covid by a coworker. He had it before but has never worn a mask. It is rare that we interact but he came into the office where I was talking to someone else.  It was Friday afternoon before I found out I had been exposed. I have been vaccinated and hope that between that and my excellent immune system I will be fine.  I exposed my customer on Friday they were not wearing mask. 

It is tricky out there because all this is so complicated for the brain. We just want a clear choice and we want to just dig in to one thing.  We were made to make simple choices every day to stay alive. That is how we operate not really weighing 20 options and then carefully deciding what is the right one. This is why we only listen to people that agree with us or even look like us because that is the way we are wired. 

I just heard a scientist say for someone to change a childhood core belief it takes 2 years. It isn't fun to be the person questioning their beliefs.  I have spent my whole life analyzing the beliefs I have in my head and figuring out where they came from and whether they serve me now as an adult. 

I know too much now to accept the status quo. I have done too much digging and now I can no longer live in a fairy tale. Being awake hasn't made me happier but it is too late to go back now. I am peaceful and happy most of the time. I accept people where they are unless they are in my face or in my space and then I will stand up for myself. 

No one really knows how they appear to other people especially me.  I have worried about this all my life because I am not everyone's cup of tea an acquired taste one so called friend said. Since I have found happiness in my own solitude I have stop really worrying about it. This has felt like real freedom to me.  I have always felt like I was a bother to people in some way. Now I say - so what! They bother me a lot of times too so I am over it. 

This is what birthdays do to you they tell you - your time is running out so you better get on with it so I am doing art and loving it.  I am pretending I am in school and practicing every day and watching videos about art.

I woke up today tired and a little cranky my new neighbors are having celebrations every Saturday night on their back porch. It was going on until after 1 am.  It is just talking but we live on a small ravine with water and it echos. No music just loud voices of discussion. I am sure they have no idea how loud they sound.  When I had meditation groups on my porch I would say "don't say anything here that you don't want the whole neighborhood to hear."  This is what happens with sound and water. 

I feel better after writing so I am off to do a few chores and some art. 

Spiritual Awakening - Being empty

Last weeks post that didn't get published...

I woke up late today and took my coffee out to the porch.   I heard a loud screeching noise from a flock of birds.  It is very wooded in the back and I noticed a large owl sitting on a branch with dozens of birds flapping around him.  He didn't look like he was that interested and was ignoring them. I wondered what it would be like to get that kind of reception where ever you went. 

We are different from the animals in that we have psychological feelings and the animals don't. I am guessing the doesn't sit around and thinking "why don't these birds like me?"  Maybe asking their mate "what can I do to be more liked?"  She might reply "stop eating there children for a start." 

I think we are the only ones plagued by self awareness and are worried about what other people think of us. We really mostly care about our inner circle but in general we expect everyone to like us. My mother taught me early on that not everyone would like me.  Mostly because we were persecuted Pentecostals.  It was expected that children of God would be outsiders in this world and not understood by the world.

I was comfortable with being on the outside for many reasons. I did help that I could lean on the religious angle to back me up.  It definitely didn't help the way I dressed and the fact that I couldn't participate in the dance session we had every Friday. 

It is funny now that I don't really fit in with the God's chosen group either. I never could buy the whole story that we had the answers and everyone out there was going to burn. I remember asking my daddy "what if we are wrong and those other churches are right?"

 It didn't make sense to me that we would be the lucky ones and all the other nice people were doomed. He was not happy with my many questions and it was the beginning of me having to choose between us and them.

I have lived my life on the fence which is a very insecure place. I haven't been able to believe without question anything really. I can always see the merits of both ideas if you are in the chosen group what better way to feel safe and secure.  It doesn't explain when bad things happen to good people. The story of Job it is all just a test. The holes in all the different  beliefs are the same.

I do believe we all have a spirit and some carry negative energy with them. Their brain has locked in on some event and they are stuck. Eckhart Tole said that he was so stress and agitated that is mind just couldn't take it anymore he had a spiritual awakening.  This is a story many people tell about there spiritual awakening. 

I have experience this myself I had a steady obsessive mind manically looking for the answer to my unhappiness and the negative self talk just kept searching for the answer and then there was nothing. One day I just woke up empty and calm and I have been that way ever since.

I read about this medically that when the brain reaches a point it can't function it basically snaps to protect it'self. I couldn't function any longer where I was and I needed a correction. It felt like nothing I had experienced before. Someone said to me pointing to some books I bought "the person that bought those books is gone aren't they?"  "Yes" was my answer I have no doubt that who I was before "the awakening" has been replaced.

First replaced by nothing and then slowly moved back to the person I was as a child. Without the imprints of sorrow and loss that being human lays upon you. It is an awkward place to be because you can see easily where others are because you have been there but you know you can't really help them. I want to shout "it isn't real" the pain you feel you are causing yourself with the words in your mind. 

I feel like the owl in the tree today just doing my own thing while birds are flying around me screeching. I don't even hear the screeching anymore. I care deeply that others suffer and offer words of encouragement but when your mind is in chaos - you can't hear me - I can't save you.

I do believe those that become addicted probably have a mind like mine.  One that can only be tamed with some kind of substance. It only works temporarily and then you want more. The answer I think is recognizing it is both physical and emotional and dealing with both sides of that is the only answer.  

Drama - Crazy Makers - Peace

I have gotten through my grief and feel happy again. I have to remember that with every dip I always come back higher than before it began. My spirit is processing something and if I can just hang with it I will reach the other side. I am always changing and if I don't resist it will happen quicker.  I just have to trust myself and all the work I have done to find peace. 

I had a curious dinner with my next door neighbor. Only the second time I have been in her house.  The first time I was invited it was when I was in my darkest place without any social boundaries. Someone ask me how I came about living next door and I told them my story. I was so raw then and didn't have the energy to consider how the other person might receive what was said. That was ten years ago and since then her husband passed from a long term heart problem. 

If is not likely that if you are asked a question that anyone really wants to know a sad answer. No one wants to hear that you aren't well. During this small get together the topic of the day was food and the latest heart healthy recipes. In contrast I was trying to decide if I wanted to live so it was awkward for everyone.

This week during our 3 hour dinner we found out we have a lot in common but most of what we have in common was the person I was before. She loves astrology - acupuncture - meditation - psychics - liberal politics.  She even has a program to do your chart based on your time of birth. I used to use all these things as a way to encourage myself to try to feel better. I am at peace now not looking for outside answers.

All spiritual roads lead to same place is what I know now. All these things are interesting and entertaining but they are not a destination. When I was girl I used astrology books to make myself feel better about who I was and even hid one under my mattress. Astrology in my world was of the devil but I loved hearing good things about myself it was the only positive input I was ever going to get. The beginning of a life where I had to pat myself on the back to keep going. 

Once my stepmother was plundering my room as she often did and found my book and I was grounded for a few months. I bought another one and kept it at school.  I learned quickly that life was only about survival.  You can only trust yourself and sometimes not even yourself. I have used many methods to find security and safety for myself.  Hanging the serenity prayer in my first apartment at sixteen. God has taken care of me even though I haven't always believed in God.

What I do believe in is something greater than myself at least my physical self. I do believe that there is a higher self within us that is outside the limitations of our conscious mind. This spirit is always trying to nudge you towards what is right for you. It is only drowned out by the basic human fears that we face everyday. We run towards anything that can give us temporary relief from feeling uncomfortable.

Throughout my life I have learned to first see how my own thoughts were hurting me and then start to change those thoughts with whatever means possible. I am not helpless in an irrational world I can focus on bringing my own mind and body to a place of harmony and gratitude. 

Our emotions are mixed with the people around us like it or not.  If we can feel secure in our own peace others people will not be able to affect us.  This takes stepping back from the crazy makers in our lives and knowing that we can choose to not get caught up in the drama. Drama only works when it is fed.

It is hard to break this cycle and it will make them try harder to bring you back in but it is your choice. It is always your choice even if you feel trapped by your circumstances you can decide to just choose peace in your mind. Physically the other person can sense the change and it will disengage them even if it only for a moment. 

I think with the recent dip I have moved through another spiritual level. I have reached a point where I can just trust myself to be enough for any situation.  I can stop thinking I need to be more or I need to be like someone else. I know myself well and my inner self will guide me through the ups and downs and I will be alright. Life feels random but the more grounded in peace that we are the less we will be shaken by it.  

Avoiding Suffering - Finding Joy

My mind is always trying to simplify things which is different than it use to be when complicated thinking kept me from living my life. I was always out there in the future or worse reliving the past over and over trying to gleam some knowledge that would help me avoid some future disaster.  Did this work?

This is a laughable question.  We think we can out think life and prepare for what could be coming but what happens is something that wasn't on the list at all. We think with self improvement we can spot our own flaws and avoid the same mistakes twice.  Does this work?

This another laughable question. I blame my analytical mind for wasting most of my life trying to solve the puzzle of  human existence. I thought if I tried hard enough I could avoid repeating the mistakes of others and repeating my own mistakes and avoid suffering. 

When something unexpected either something small like a bad day at work or something big like loss of someone you love it feels personal. In my own life I took it personally but even worse I felt responsible and didn't have the maturity to see that it wasn't something I had done. Thanks to my upbringing I thought when my mother died God was punishing me for not being a perfect. I was strong willed and I needed to be to change this seemed logical to me.

Then I got a new mother and she hated me and treated me with constant disdain. I tried to be good but nothing I did was good enough. I did everything as perfectly as I could but I was not lovable.  I didn't belong so I left.  I jumped into any relationship that made me feel secure even for a moment. I attracted those that wanted to possess me this made me feel loved and protected. Like me they all had the same problem of not being enough. 

I looked every where for  the part I thought I had missing. I never found a place where I fit. I couldn't accept the failings of my life and of my relationships. The Al-Anon program taught about acceptance and I accepted the shortcomings of other but not myself. I knew if I worked harder I could get the life that played out in my head. 

My failures intersected a decade ago when I  lost everything that I thought defined me. I had done everything to the best of my ability and it hadn't worked. I had no where to go and my mind could not grasp the situation and it broke. I had nothing left to begin again.  

After a lifetime the person I had been was gone. I fought hard at first to pretend I was still there but this made me feel worse.  Finally I heard "let go" and I did.  I thought at that moment I would die but it was quite the opposite I felt nothing. The whirling thoughts in my mind disappeared and it was quiet for the first time. It felt weird with nothing there but I got use to it and then I started to enjoy it.

I told myself "okay this is who you are now - it isn't so bad" I had no labels for myself that I had to live up to. At the time I didn't even imagine a future for myself. I just stayed where I was until I eventually moved on. First small things caught my attention while things that I use to love faded altogether. Without much effort mainly just in time I became a new person or who I was beneath all the along.

Today I am happy and I don't waste time scolding myself for my flaws. I also know that I will face what ever comes when it gets here. The future is unknown and only our ability to bounce back is important.  We can't live happy lives if we are always bracing ourselves for the worse.  We will miss the joy today has to offer us and see the people that may not be part of our lives in the future. 

This is something I do regret about my constant forward and future motion I missed the real moments life had to offer.  I spent my waking hours focused on the future and the pain I carried with me instead of just being there. Nothing stays the same as time marches on so love moments instead of planning a future that is only in your mind. The future is today. 

This is a time of year that we celebrate miracles and I consider myself a miracle. I did not believe that I could be happy again. I didn't know that I could start the day singing and not just surviving. I am grateful for my journey even though I lost a lot years.  I don't plan on losing another day on the future. 

Shutting out the noise - Choose Peace

I could write about state of the our nation but I will leave that to others let's face it we have address our own lives and decide whether to let these things control us by filling us with fear.  I don't believe in the good old days every decade has sucked for someone somewhere. Life is full of scary things.

We have to just decide how to move on with the world that is presented to us today. Every intelligent awake person could see this coming a mile away.  I told someone that if he loses it will take tanks to get him out of the White House. He lives only in his mind and has no connection to reality. Surrounding himself with only people that agree with him. The "emperor's new clothes"comes to mind. 

Okay just a little politics.  I have been easing back into work and enjoying the little quiet time I have left and doing a lot of writing. Like I have said before I am writing my life story because it helps me to know where I am emotionally and what areas are still buried. 

In this process I have been doing a little fact checking and realized that my mental timeline has been off. Things actually took months not years. I believe that everyone has their version of the truth. When we have been hurt deeply we make up the story of that hurt and we carry it with us for as long as it serves us. We repeat the story to ourselves and depending on how creative we are we smooth over the details and maybe embellish them.

The worst thing we do is let the story we tell ourselves create a permanent scar on us emotionally. We then have to walk around as wounded adults that need to be fixed. For me I have carried the burden of my own story all my life and I have the embellished facts of my story to back me up. My story was the idea that I was not lovable.

Writing it all down even though very emotional and painful at times. Painful enough that I had to stop and take a break also lets me place these memories outside myself. It is more like a character in a novel and not really me anymore. It puts distance between the part of me that gets stuck in the past. 

Holding on to what hurt us keeps it alive while those that hurt us live on without a thought about what they did. Most of the people I have loved never really saw me and weren't capable of shared love. They couldn't show love or emotion except maybe anger. This is how I grew up and this kind love felt so familiar to me and I have picked it again and again. I know how to be invisible and I know how to be autonomous. In the past decade I have learned to love and take care of myself. I am no longer waiting for others to value me to value myself.. This has felt like freedom.  

When I write about my life I sometimes feel it is totally narcissistic but I get a sense of healing. I chance to see just how far I have come. I guess it takes a lifetime.

I know the world is an overwhelming place right now but we can only live minute to minute. We can  choose peace by finding a quiet place even if that sitting in car somewhere to just soak in the silence.Turn of the the news and our phones for 15 minutes and just soak up the silence.  Of course I recommend writing without censoring what is being written. The mind is always trying to heal itself. 

 

Labels we give ourselves - Fear - I am still here

I seemed to be in a time of peace personally regardless of how my last post sounded.  It is rare for me to just have a longish uninterrupted time period when I am not filled with some kind of mild anxiety. It usually comes in the form of not doing enough. Wasting precious time without accomplishing something.

This holiday period feels different to me despite the fact that we are surrounded by death and our leader is totally uninterested in even talking about it. As I have mentioned before I lived with a milder version of this type of personality and the best way to cope is to not react to them at all. The media can't help themselves and when he is gone - just like with my relationship - life will seem dull and empty. 

At first you feel relief and then it feels as though something is wrong. You chase around looking for something to fill the void that has been left. You are addicted to the chaos of living day to day on the edge of something. We are a country that thrives on reality TV because we can't stand our own company. The news networks will be in withdrawal when this is over and it will be over.  

Like it or not this is just another form of addiction the need to be entertained every minute afraid to address the dark thoughts we have about ourselves. These thoughts stem from how we interpreted our lives when we were children and not fully formed. To heal we have to address the lies and see that they are holding us back. 

I have never faced the fears I have about myself willingly. I had to have mental breakdown that left me void of all feelings before I faced my own fears. I gave up all the attachments I had that defined who I thought I was. I realized that no matter what I lost I was still here a human still on this planet.

The labels I had created for myself that were gone didn't keep me from existing. The idea of who I was that didn't fit anymore and were just in my own head. My own story created with the character of me was only in my head and I had to move on.

Today I am enjoying reading something that has required too much focus for me over the past few years. Reading saved me when my first husband left. I slept with 10 to 20 books in the space he vacated in my bed sometimes so many I barely had enough room to sleep. Mostly self help but I was looking for the answer to my painful life. To read for pleasure seems so strange.

The virus has a lot of us alone with our child within and we are forced to cope with our fears. It feels like we are being chased and if we turn around it will be over. This is not true no thought can hurt us unless we believe that it is more than a thought. My lie was that I was unlovable that something at the core of me made me different than other people and made me unlovable. 

Where did I get the idea I was unlovable it came from feeling like I was a burden to my family because I was high energy and excited about life.  I had a million questions and a million more creative ideas to pursue and life's routine was slowing me down. As a child I couldn't believe people could be happy with what they were doing day to day and not questioning wasting so much time.

Okay enough of the soap box.  I am grateful for the life I have lived and my circumstances now. I am grateful that I am a driven person always getting things done. I am also grateful for the devastation that made me see that without this drive I was still a whole and complete person. It made me lean into nothingness and seeing that it couldn't hurt me. 

Losing my identity gave me the chance to start over and with no work on my part I could slowly pick up the pieces that still felt like me and leave behind everything else. I could accept the fact that I would never be the same and look forward to the new me. Maintaining who I thought I was was exhausting.

I have five days off for the holiday and I am just puttering around the house doing what I want.  I don't have any projects on my list yet.  I am going with the flow and resting while I can which is nice.

Have a Merry Christmas even if you are social distancing and know good or bad "this too shall pass". 

 

Acceptance - Family - Beliefs - Making Peace

I have returned from a trip to see my family.  It was a little complicated with my niece house sitting in Charleston and my nephew driving my sister from the mountains to meet me there. Her kids don't think she is capable of driving by herself for four hours.  He brought the grand kids both under three and we watched them while he stayed in a hotel. This wasn't his idea but it worked out until he decided he didn't want to stay the three days as planned. 

I was proud of my sister for holding her ground and saying she was staying and he could drive back by himself with the kids. This solidified my own plans which was to drive her back home.  When first found out that he and the kids were coming I almost cancelled my trip all together. I knew that it would be all about watching the kids instead of a relaxing three days with my niece and my sister.  

My experience over the years with my sister and her family is that you are not factored into the equation ever. It you are visiting nothing is altered for your visit. You can't expect anything more than to just tag along to whatever is going on in their lives.  I might get lunch with my sister and a few dinners out. It was a nice surprise that my sister actually took the whole week off for the holiday. 

With this trip my niece originally wanted me to drive six hours pick up my sister and drive four hours spend three days in Charleston and drive four hours to take her home spend Thanksgiving and then drive another six hours home.  I did decline this plan since my sister is capable of driving four hours herself. This is before my nephew's wife went out of town and it was decided he couldn't be alone with the kids for three days.  Just writing this tires me out. 

The trip was an overall success. The three of us were exhausted running after two toddlers for almost three days.  They left me alone with them while they were napping only to have them both wake up at the same time with one extra poopy diaper. I texted them with an SOS since I didn't think I could watch him while changing the diaper in a stranger's house. 

I did get to bond with the kids and then after my nephew drove back home with them the three of us went for a walk on the beach and had dinner out together. My sister and I drove back together leaving my niece to finish her house sitting duties through the holiday. We were really able to catch up.

We got back Wednesday night and cooked the casseroles my niece had frozen in advance of her trip. We had dinner at my nephew's in-laws as they do every year with me taking the place of my niece at the table. It was nice really good food and I didn't cook any of it. 

I was also worried about the the political climate of my family all Trump supporters and think wearing masks is an attempt to be politically correct. No one wore mask there except in public places. I didn't fight it or say my peace.  I was exposed to them and the kids the first day so I figured it didn't matter. My sister and I had a few words over Obama when she said "he is showing his true colors now" I just gave her a look. She came and apologized and said she didn't mean to get so heated.  

One thing I have come to understand about my sister that even though she is very smart she doesn't like to go against the crowd. Before he beat Hillary we had a discussion where we both agreed that he was a sociopath and bad for the country. Now he is a god my brother-in-law said as I was leaving "when they overturn this election there will be riots in the streets."  

This has been the right choice for her and enabled her to stay close with our dad and his wife. With kids you need family and as much support as you can get.  I was never a good sheep and would never be able to just go along with what is popular with the crowd. I sacrificed having a family because I would never be able to keep my mouth shut. 

My sister loves me and worries about my salvation and fears that I might go to hell. I wonder how people that call themselves christian can support a man who clearly cares about nothing but himself. He definitely isn't following the idea "do unto others as you would have them do unto you".

I have found my own way and I don't feel I must win them over to my own beliefs anymore. I do have to prepare myself for our visits and this was the first time I don't need to recover from the trip. We have come to an understanding and she doesn't feel responsible for my salvation anymore. 

I have found peace with being alone and I have found peace with be an outsider with my family. With her kids grown now I have the opportunity to get to know them. My sister's life has not be easy and she kept a lot of things from me to protect her family. Similar to living with alcoholism when one person controls the whole family and you don't want anyone to know what is going on. 

We are survivors and have both done it on our own.  It makes me sad that we didn't feel we could be there for each other. I think we are beginning to know each other for the first time. She is four years older than me so we were never close as children. We are both tough and have found our own way through life and now that we are older we can relax an enjoy each other. 

Alcoholism - Addicted to the Chaos

I watched Super Soul Sunday last night with Oprah interviewing Biden in 2017.  It was a good interview and showed that he is a thoughtful and kind man still grieving the loss of his son. He spent most of the interview hunched over clasping his hand reliving the words he was saying slowly and deliberately.

I then I watched the Steven Colbert interview from three years ago and then one from one year ago. Much lighter non-stop talking. Steven fact checked his last interview and he go a lot of details wrong about a story he told.  He said he was just conveying the importance of the moment in the story and names and dates weren't that important in that specific incidence. 

It is going to be so strange having someone that actually answers questions and deals with issues. Instead of chasing a moving target that doesn't have answers and isn't really that interested. I remember shortly after the last election when Hillary did an interview for the first time. I was mesmerized by how soothing it was to hear complete sentences coming out of her mouth after only months of the current administration.

I can't help but think about how this president reminds me of a time I lived with active alcoholism. At first the charm and charisma was enough. The way he could win over anyone with his energy and words. He promised the moon but never did anything that he said he would do. Then as the disease progressed he created chaos in our lives every day. Every move I made was based on what I thought he would do next - bracing myself for a number of possible out comes.

I was the desperate wife pouncing on him when he did show up trying to get answers I felt I needed to survive, When I would remind him of the promises he made he would deny ever making them. He shut me out and refused to even talk about anything. By the time he left I had become addicted to the chaos and the adrenaline that went with it. When he was out of my life it felt like I had been unplugged from my life source. I was empty and exhausted.

Even with the pain of the loss I was grateful to come home at night an not have to face the madness. I wasn't chasing a moving target and dealing with crazy every day. Even if I had gotten use to the thrill of the ups and downs I knew it was killing me.

What we have lived with these past four years is just like living with an active alcoholic. The charm and laser attention I got in the beginning changed to control and chaos in the end. It was like a drug being loved by this person is so charismatic. He made me feel like he was the only one who understood me. 

I imagine this is what his core supporters feel like.  "He really sees me" and maybe he does but he will never really come through with the promises he makes. He is just there for his moment in the spotlight and really never thinks past that moment. Their lives will be empty for a while but then they will go back to whatever they were doing before. 

Everyone especially the media with feel loss and emptiness for awhile. No matter whether your were fighting for him or against him the excitement is over.  The man himself is a walking crisis. We will have to get use to the fact that we don't have a man whose tweets send the stock market crashing. 

It took me a long time to get over my husband leaving. It was a relationship that consumed me and when it was over I felt bored and lonely for a long time. I was so exhausted I like for two years I just worked and slept. I know today that relationship changed me forever for good and bad. It made me see what I didn't want again and made me face what attracted me to him in the first place. 

I have learned to be my own entertainment these days and when I am bored I don't look for a two legged crisis to feel that void. I can be grateful and accept that life isn't exciting all the time and be at peace.  I know things will be less volatile with the new president but I am not expecting nirvana just a little less crazy.  

Confronting the past - our unique fears - denial is coping - forgiveness

One of my favorite bloggers seems to be missing along with all his comments.  I hope everything is alright.  Over the years many bloggers have drop off but usually with some kind of farewell explanation.  In life everything runs its course and maybe it is just his time. 

I was painting my deck yesterday and pulling weeds today and had time to think.  I did sleep long and hard last night and got up this morning and gathered my thoughts.  I have been reading my mother's Bible mainly because I have be looking through family pictures and thinking of her.  I will say this is the same Bible that she taught me to read with.  It is not translated other than in English to bring it up to more modern standards. We read a chapter every night and I was particularly fond of the "verily - verily I say unto you" parts.

Don't stop reading because I mention the Bible. I have been treated badly by people who professed to be God fearing Bible lovers and I chunked the Bible out along with them a long time ago.  Anything that represented what those people said they believed in was off limits. Today know that it isn't all or nothing. 

What Al-Anon did for me in my early 30's was to find the God of my own understanding. It was good start for me realizing it was up to me to come to terms with how I was treated and establish the God of my own understanding. I didn't really trust my childhood God because he took my mother and replaced her with one of the most selfish unloving people on the planet. With that I lost the rest of my family because I could not tolerate the hypocrisy of those who professed to be Christians.

Of course this is totally my problem. I was never great at pretending things are one way when it is obvious that they are totally another.  I say that when I lived with bold face alcoholism and totally ignored it until it was too late and it had destroyed my own confidence and my marriage. I am no different than anyone else when it comes to denial or living in a fantasy.

Some many things in this world are hurtful and sometimes devastating and denial is how we survive. When something rocks our world we find other people that think like us and huddle together chanting our own beliefs until the storm passes. There is a lot of this going on right now on both sides.

Sometimes individually we break from the group because we know that no one could possibly understand how we are suffering because it feels too personal. For me I broke away because I felt that I couldn't possibly put the burden of my pain on another human. This left me alone to find the strength within and to rely on something greater than myself. 

This is the point of God or whatever you believe in that doesn't depend on you to have the answers. I have found strength in ultimately letting go of everything I ever believe to be true. With letting go my life began to flow again. Every difficult thing I faced was resolved without my tight grip on it. I let go of my idea of the way things had to be and received peace. Nothing even now seems to move when I have an agenda. I have tested this over and over with every part of my life and it is always true. 

I know that forcing a solution on my terms never works. Turning my will over to a power greater than myself is humbling and freeing. My thoughts and prayers over any situation without demanding a certain outcome can result in a literal miracle.  Sometimes leaving me thinking "I never imagined that as a solution to the problem". 

I am not afraid of my past anymore or the God that I was raised with. I can read the Bible without attaching what people have to done to me in his name. People are flawed.  I am flawed and everyday I have to live with my own humanness and walk in faith that I haven't done too much damage. 

I have done my best just like everyone else.  I have ask for forgiveness from my God the universe and from myself. I have hurt myself the same as I have hurt other people along the way. Just as I offer forgiveness to them I can offer it to myself. It may not seem like it but we all live in fear and this causes us to react in unique ways based on our own past. 

Today I am feeling peace and for that I am grateful. 

 

I can control my mind - I am not a victim

I feel at peace today even if the sky is cloudy and I was wishing for the sun. It is cool here which is helpful since my air conditioning isn't work yet.  The second guy they sent wasn't too happy that the new part didn't work. He told me "this happens all the time - do you think I want to go up in your attic a third time?"  

Every job has parts that suck no matter how great the job is that is why they call it work.  He seemed pretty unhappy overall.  He shared with me that his roommate's new girlfriend stole 150 dollars out of his room. He caught her there and told his roommate who didn't believe him and told him to move out. Luckily his sister has a big house so he moved there this week.

I thought there is a story there at his age ending up with a roommate. Although I didn't prompt the discussion he said he didn't have a problem with alcohol even though when he was a child his Sicilian grandparents gave him wine every time he saw them. He said he had started smoking after he had stopped for four years and this is the only time he likes to drink.

He is probably coming back Monday with a replacement part. I am not sure why he brought all of this up maybe he knew I could here him cursing and screaming in the attic.  

The mind is hard to control I lived most of my life thinking life was happening to me. I was a victim of my circumstances and there was nothing I could do about it. I spent all my energy bracing myself for the next tragic thing to happen and I was never disappointed.  I talked about my woes to whoever would listen and repeated my victim-ship to myself over and over. The voice in my head keeping me constantly sad or outraged over my circumstances.

It wasn't until I realized that I was doing this to myself. The program helped m to see that it was my own story that repeated to myself over and over that kept me from having a different story.  The program says "no victims just volunteers".  This would make me so mad in the beginning. I felt comfortable not taking responsibility for my own situation and feeling sorry for myself.

It doesn't help that this is the way the brain works. We are wired to go towards negative first so we can prevent bad things from happening the next time.  It also likes repetition and goes down the most familiar and deepest path it is less work. When I am sad I think about _____________ and then it reminds me of when things we great and life didn't suck life it does now. Of course even our memories are hijacked by the brain smoothing out all those rough edges we don't want to acknowledge.

Looking through my life's pictures behind my own smiling face I could tell you some really awful stuff going on.  My mind prefers to make those times something they weren't. The difference in who I am now is that I know it was just life and hard times.  It is only when I believed it was just happening to me that I felt like it was my fault. This is mostly because I have an analytical mind that believes there is a solution for every problem. I can think my way out of this.

The solution to being a victim is to replace these thoughts with something else. For me I had to first acknowledge that the person inside my head was really negative and didn't seem to like me very much. I tried to reason with her but she just kept hurling insults at me no matter what. I finally had to consciously tell her to shut up. This was war for a long time until I was able to see that the child inside me was just scared that we weren't going to make it. 

I couldn't let on that she might be right so I assured her that we could do it. I started reading non stop to anything that gave me positive encouragement.  Mantras - slogans from the program - daily readers - spiritual books - even horoscopes - Anything that gave me encouragement to keep going. Over time all these things started to re-write my thinking. 

I became friends with myself and forgave the child in me for being stuck so long. I had to forgive myself for living life thinking that I caused these things to happen to me. That there was something about me that made me unlovable from the beginning. I had to take responsibility for loving and encouraging myself into happiness. No one outside of me could make feel secure.

Today I am on the maintenance plan.  First I guard my mind from anything negative as much as I can. I feed myself with healthy foods that make my mind clearer. Instead of heading for a carb comma like I use to and now I sleep a regular schedule so I can be my best. I take care of myself instead of waiting for other people to show that I am worthy of being taken care of. 

All great beliefs and spiritual practice use these same ideas woven through them. Believing and being with people are looking for something positive or comforting to share can promote peace. Taking care of your body and your mind realizing they are same thing is truly loving. Believing in a power greater than ourselves to give us the strength and discipline to take our lives back it really the only answer.  

  

The worrier in me - Protecting myself from the negative - 4th step - being whole

I had a celebrated getting another year older this week with not much fan fare. Someone kind decorated my door at work which was totally unexpected. I am not great with other peoples birthdays and I feel guilty about that.  I was never that great and then when I went into deep depression I just let what little effort I made go. I have hosted many events at the request of others doing the cooking and decorating but I am not the one that remembers the dates.

I am a very focused person and I am always working on the task a hand and not on planning or thinking about other things. I always wished I was one of those people that had a day timer or an electronic calendar it would be really easy especially these days. I have bought so many of them and it would last maybe one day. When I was an executive I used outlook to keep up but now days I don't plan too far in advance and this works for me. 

I know some people say they are booked out a month to make their customers feel like they are privileged to work with them. This doesn't support my idea of flow and living in the present moment. 

When I was trying to out run the pain I felt inside I booked every minute of my day so I never had to face the pain I felt inside. The emptiness of all that I had lost in my life. The feeling that I was not worthy of love because I had lost so much. I felt it was my fault because I was not good enough. 

I think most people feel this from time to time but I always thought I was unique. It was a secret that kept to myself and tried to be the best person I could be hoping someone would notice me and love me. This would get rid of that gaping hole I had inside me. 

I did get noticed by other people with equal gaping holes. It was reassuring at first but we never got better together. It is good to find support and comfort each other but sometimes it keeps us stuck in the same place for a really long time. You have to find the wholeness you need from within. 

I have been writing about my past this week. A good 4th step for anyone and I have written these stories many times. With every writing over the years there is less and less pain attached to those memories. This week I felt love for the girl and women that experienced those moments. I can love her now and see that she was just doing her best. So broken and living in constant fear of making a mistake. 

I have forgiven her and see how she was just trying to survive. She made some good decisions which has brought her to where she is today.  Happy and healthy. Is it weird to talk about yourself in the third person?  I do that because she is long gone and she seems like a character in a book. I can write about her now without judgement and this makes me free. 

My aunt called me for my birthday.  She is the only one from my dad's side of the family that has kept up with me over the years. I don't keep in touch to often because her view of the world is negative even though she is a pretty happy person. The conversation is about her health and then about the violence around her. She lives in the country so this violence is only on TV.

I don't accept negative input ever from anyone. That emotion drains me and I have to protect myself. It stirs up the worrier in me.  I can't solve any of these problems so why dwell on them. I need my energy to get through the day. If the information isn't positive I can't listen. Believe me if something terrible happens that I need to know about someone will tell me. 

I am reflecting on my life this week and I feel peaceful. I do plan to make more of an effort to honor the birthdays of the people that are important to me.  I did send my sister flowers for her birthday this year so that is a start. 

 

What has been lost and what has been found

There has been a number of mile stones in my life that have changed the person that I am today.  They say the earlier the tragedy the longer it takes to overcome those life events. It is not impossible if you can believe that how you feel right now is not permanent. Your situation is not unique and out there somewhere someone has experienced and overcome the same thing. It is believing you are alone and permanently broken that keeps you in a box of your own making forever.

Right now a lot of people are feeling the same way and at least we all know it. I do think that finding a self help group or a community is the beginning of finding a better place emotionally as long as you are there to commiserate and be stuck with other people that are stuck.   ]In the 12 step program they say "take what you like and leave the  rest".  This is my life motto and the only reason I could stay. 

In my own life I have experienced some serious breaks of my spirit.  First the loss of my mother to cancer at eleven and then the subsequent breaking apart of what was left of my immediate family. I married an alcoholic that I thought I would spend the rest of my life with that left me alone after almost a decade. Then I met someone who I trusted again who left after 13 years.

If you have read my blog you know way too much about all of these things but my point here is that I thought my situation was unique and that I was alone with all the feelings I was having.  I am a strong person who because of these things I am changed forever and I know that I will make it no matter what but this wasn't always the case.

I have a picture in my closet of a party with a group of ten people that at the time were my friends.  I only see one them now and when I am feeling low my mind tells me "this is your fault. You are unlovable and you deserve to be alone." What a mean to say and I know it isn't true.

I have loved big and have been there for a long time for many people in my life and I don't regret any of those relationships.  They have shaped the person I am today. I also know that I am forever moving forward emotionally and spiritually and this is not how most people live.  People want you to stay the same and they want me to stay with them.

It is in our nature scientifically to find the most efficient path each day and stay with it. Our brains in an effort to survive want things to be predictable and as simple as possible. We love a routine but hate boredom this is why we inevitably take things for granted.  The job we hated suddenly isn't there anymore or annoying family member that gives us grief for not visiting we now can't visit.

We dreamed of getting away from work to be home with the family and now we dream of going back to get away from those same people. I spoke to a woman this week at work who is working part time at home with her two kids and she said they just won't listen and do there school work.

This time at home although very short for me personally is a time to evaluate what we are doing with our lives. Living mindlessly day to day like our brain wants we can miss the obvious things right in front of us and it takes real courage to be awake and really live each day. Actually seeing and hearing people instead of hurrying on to the next thing as quickly as possible.

I spent the first half of my life just trying to get over every trauma. Someone much older than me said once "stop wishing your life away".  I always wanted things to be easier and always thought "I must be doing something wrong".  This was my own immaturity having raised myself. I thought the things that were happening to me made me unique.  I missed the joy of each day and the people in my life planning for tomorrow.

I am mostly peaceful now and living through the traumas in my life has taught me well that ____ happens and you can either let it swallow you or you can wait and be patient and it will change. I will warn you that it isn't always for the better at first but it will work out.

I didn't always believe this when I was left for the third time I suffered a breakdown of sorts. After 13 years I was left alone this coupled with the recession, menopause and a thyroid condition I wanted my life to be over everyday. Most people ran from me or I ran from people because they wanted something from me. I could barely live each day and the one friend still in my life now didn't. They were content to just let me be instead wanting me to change back.

The person I was even last year doesn't exist anymore but I am okay with that because I have done my best and today I am safe and happy. I have no idea what tomorrow will look like but today looks pretty good. I want to know but it isn't in my power to know so why waste another minute on wishing my life away.

My final word in this post may sound crazy but living in the present or at least today requires looking at all the small stuff we are doing like the food we are eating. Our brain wants a constant feed of sugar or carbs and we may think "comfort like mom use to make" is the answer but this is as addictive as any drug out there. It does sedate you temporarily but then you want more and more.

I use to think I wanted that bowl of tortillas because I just like them but it wasn't true.  Once I was able to reduce the carbs in my life I never craved another thing. Even when I slipped and ate something it didn't really taste good and then I stayed hungry for the rest of the day. I wonder now that if I knew this when I was so depressed would it have lasted as long as it did. I really didn't know I could be this happy despite a pandemic. 

Planting for the future - Patience - Uncertainty - Anxiety

I am pretty much back to work and grateful to have business in this uncertain time.  It is funny that I was beginning to enjoy not feeling that underlying anxiety of "you must do more".  Being in sales and living a life where your income is based solely on whether your clients do the job or not is a daily reality. Ironically customers are unlikely to go with you if they sense this underlying anxiety. You have to sincerely let go of the outcome if you can't do this they can feel it.

The way I do this is that I have to trust that I will be provided for and that if I don't get this particular job then there will be another one.  I ask myself "will the outcome change what I will be having for dinner tonight?" This is the only way I can live with the uncertainty of the work I do and really the uncertainty of life in general.

The analogy I use is that I am a gardener and I am constantly planting and harvesting.  I keep jobs in every stage so I will have something closing all the time. I am actually made for this type of work because it means I have a variety of things to work on and people to work with. It satisfies my mind that never stops wanting to be entertained and challenged.

I have learned to trust myself that if I am not whipping myself to get something done now that it is okay.  I must intuitively know that I have time and will meet the deadline.  I have to be patient with myself and know that I need breaks from the chaos so I can be more focused when I am working.

I also know that timing is everything and if someone isn't ready you just have to wait until they are.  Sometimes people have things going on in their lives that change their priorities for the moment.  Luckily right now everyone is stuck at home looking around and watching HG TV and thinking about projects they want to get done.

I am not always so zen about my circumstances and sometimes I hear "you should be working today" even if it is my official day off.  I always feel that I could be doing more no matter how much I work  that is the nature of any business where you are getting paid based on what you are bringing in and not a job for everyone.

Managing uncertainty isn't really possible but having that little talk with yourself when anxiety is bubbling up is something we all must do.  For me I say to myself  "is there anything that can be done about that today?" If it is state of the world or the economy or lets not forget the pandemic the answer is no. I can then focus on the small stuff that is a part of my day and this moves me forward.

If I am beating myself up about not being motivated I ask myself  "is this an emergency - this thing you don't really want to do today?"  The answer is mostly no and the deadline is an arbitrary one I have put on the project and therefore I can change it.

I love my job and I am good at it even if my garden right now is not producing anything.  I have been planting for a long time and can see a few sprouts coming up here and there so I have to trust the process and be patient. 









 

Music Therapy - Peace - Putting Fear aside

I have been working on my house today listening to the 70's music collection.  I requested this for one of my many birthdays.  Of course everyone made fun of me at the time. I think it was the Time Life series advertised with an infomercial.  It is one of the longest lasting gifts I have ever had. When I want to just tune out the world it quiets my nerves.  Oddly enough when I am at home I like silence.

You don't get this when you are living with another person really ever.  Especially with a sports fanatic or in the case of my in-laws who were hard of hearing and kept the TV blasting. Sound has always been an issue for me because I have incredible hearing. It isn't just that things are loud it is certain decibels of sound makes me really nuts to the point of putting on head phones.

This person at work has a family of five that are loud and chaotic and their son who otherwise seems normal just doesn't respond to them until they call him a few times. They took him in to get his hearing tested and it is perfectly normal. I told him he was tuning them out to cope with the volume and chaos going on all the time. I remember when my family had big get together s I would have to find a quieter place when it became too much. 

I enjoyed the music today but now it is off and my I do feel better. When we were kids before my mother got sick we were not aloud to listen to secular music in our house. With her sickness all rules got tossed out except when she was in the room. Otherwise we were sent to our rooms to entertain ourselves and do whatever we wanted.

I remember being probably nine spending the whole afternoon calling the radio station requesting Billy Joel's Piano Man a over and over.  "Sorry Mom I know you are so proud"  About guy in a bar playing the piano and the drinkers sitting around him.  Not exactly Jesus music.  If she was here she would say those people definitely needed Jesus.

It feels better to believe we aren't in charge of this world whether you believe in Jesus or not. We are all scared because we don't know what the future looks like and we have nothing but time to sit around and think about it.

I feel particularly peaceful today because I know there isn't one thing I can do to fix this problem or even to prepare for the future. I have finally learned to be still and accept this moment and not waste it running a countless number future bad scenarios through my head. We are not alone in this because we have each other and everyone is going through the same thing.

We think we can control everything but we can't.  This is an unseen enemy and it has made us all stop and think about our lives and how they might change from what we had planned. I definitely have had experience with this and resisting the reality of the situation just makes you suffer.

I am taking this time to prepare mentally and do things around the house that will improve it's value. Making repairs painting in the event that I might not stay here long term.  If it all works out then everything is shiny and new. I am grateful every day that I am physically and mentally healthier than I have ever been. I know no matter what happens I will be okay. 

We can't let our minds run rampant with fear.  It isn't good for us or younger people to see that fear. Be can be content with the time this has given us and know that soon enough we will right back out there and we can face it together.

Isolation - Reflection - Projects

We are still open at work.  I am off today because this is my regular day off.  We stayed open on Saturday and no one came in so we closed early.  We are having a meeting with the owner tomorrow to discuss the plan the residential sales people.

In our group some people have a few active jobs but I don't have much going on.  I feel peaceful right now and glad that I have a number of projects to do around my house.  Luckily I have a habit of getting excited about something and then going out and buying the supplies I need to make it happen. I usually have to go back to work before I can get started so I have a lot of projects waiting for me. This time will give me the opportunity to get some things done.  Who knew procrastination would actually be a good thing.

Yesterday I was able to pressure wash my driveway.  I had planned to do this two weeks ago but I couldn't get the pressure washer started. After a half dozen YouTube videos and some carburetor cleaner I did finally get it started.  I know it sat too long and this is the kiss of death for small engines I will do better next time. The driveway is nice and clean it was a long overdue project.

Being outside all day was nice even though a little extra quiet.  It reminded me of the days before a hurricane is expected everybody is shutdown listening to the latest news. Our mind is not our friend at these times. It is working to either figure our why this is happening or searching for a solution especially when we have lost our day to day routine.  The routine that distracts us from the fear that lies beneath.

I plan on putting together a daily routine for myself so I don't end up flopped on my bed watching virus numbers on TV or bad movies.  This is a rare moment when the world isn't focused on wanting things and can really evaluate what is really important to them.  This gift of time is rare when no one is expecting anything from us we can just make plans or do nothing.

I know for any small business that relies on physical walk in customers will be devastated. Especially the restaurants where people rely on tips to survive. I started out my life in this industry so I know most places don't value the people working for tips. Without business they don't get paid.

I do believe that this will pass quicker than people imagine once the numbers peak.  Once the quarantine is over we will come to terms with our new normal. We are adaptive and want to get our lives back to a routine as quickly as possible. This isn't 2008 even if the stock market looks like it. I am not saying there won't be significant fall out for some industries but it is not the same.

I hope you are able to take this time and take care of yourselves and your life.  Be grateful to be with people you love and reflect on what is right about your life and maybe what isn't working. I noticed on some of my regular weekly YouTube videos everyone looks so rested. In this country we definitely need to slow down. We move so fast and everyone feels so guilty when they want to rest. This is the perfect opportunity to just rest.

I do have to mention that at least it is spring instead of winter so we can be inspired by nature's new beginnings. Keep safe and know that spending time at home alone will not kill you and may actually save your life quite literally.