Seasons of life - Reflection - Gratitude

I am feel like I have come out on the other side of my grief period.  The winter months have a lot of history for me and no matter whether I acknowledge it or not it is there in the back ground.  This year it was front and center from Thanksgiving to my mother's death anniversary the 15th.  In my mind I am thinking "get over it" but that isn't always possible. 

I don't really sit back and dwell on the events it just is an underlying sadness. Working with my ex has brought it front and center.  Just like in our relationship we are polite and pretending there is nothing unusual going on.  "Lets Just Pretend"  this can make a relationship last a long time. I tried to break through this for years but every effort ended badly me feeling like I was the villain and caused pain and suffering by wanting more.

My dad was just like that he wanted everything in Pleasantville to be pleasant. How can you complain when you have only peace in your home.  I can remember my mother trying to force my dad to give his opinion but he never did.  He would give you a string of facts about any subject he had knowledge about to help you make your decision. I loved my daddy but he seemed faraway even when he was right there with you. 

So I met someone like my dad. It was a good relationship and I felt secure there for a long time but I was lucky that I was forced to move on even if it feels like I haven't sometimes.  I am not that person so many years ago. It was a season of my life where I stayed busy with life until it hit a bump and everything I thought was important got taken from me and I had to choose whether to live or not.  

It took me a long time to decide. I didn't know who I was anymore and didn't trust myself anymore after choosing the wrong person for the second time. I lost the person I was and had to decide what to do next. A forced spiritual awakening that I don't recommend to anyone. It was necessary for me to come back to myself and love myself whether anyone else did or not. I stayed in a relationship where I was lonely because I thought who am I to want more.  

I don't believe in regret - what's the point? Every moment of our lives shapes us into the person we are today. I could make a long list of how my life would be different in a bad way without that relationship. I am grateful and mature enough at this point to see that. 

Growing up - Counseling - Moving on

The road is a little bumpy right now for me emotionally.  I decided to go to counseling just to see where I am at and maybe get an objective opinion to see where to go from here.

Having a brush with my ex only hours after making my first appointment felt like a sign from the universe that getting outside help is a good idea.  Truthfully nothing great has happened to me in the November - February months all the bad anniversaries and lurking around in my subconscious and conscious making me feel flat.

The first session was a getting to know session and we talked a little about my isolated and neglected childhood.  I haven't really talked to anyone about this because we think of my mother as a saint. What was said was that she was a strict disciplinarian who was fighting for her life and I stayed out of sight because it felt safer. 

We came to another conclusion in our second session that this is why I prefer to be in the background of all my relationships as well as my work life. It feels safer for me to do what needs to be done without drawing attention to myself. 

I guess I never really related this to my childhood.  I was for sure a strong willed child and received the punishment that went along with that. I just learned how to work around the system and accept the punishment when I got caught.  Eventually though I disappeared to my solitude in the basement to make things better for everyone else and myself. 

Every relationship after that reinforced this idea of putting the needs of others before my own. Not really asking for anything I actually needed.  It was enough to see other people happy. The problem with this is that you eventually feel empty and unappreciated. You have have taught the people around you to expect "you" to take care of everything. 

What is it that they say "an empty vessel has nothing to pour" I have ignored my neediness with most people because I have felt I was too much.  This is what I got from those early years is that I am a burden and I better make up for it by contributing as much as possible.

I have to bring this up again a woman that worked with me a long time ago bought her self a sandwich.  She appeared at my desk with a plate with a half of sandwich and some chips. I spontaneously started crying. 

Being starved for someone to think about my needs is why I end up in relationships where I am the star until the novelty wears off.  It is the same type of person over and over so I have learned not to trust myself and meet my own needs. Seeing my ex an being invisible once again really has messed with my head. It feels like everyone has moved on but me. 

Maybe this is the universe coming together to help me move on. Right now most of my relationships are based on people paying me to help them get what they want. I am comfortable with that and hold no resentment. If I am invisible I have done my job and there is tangible evidence.  I know I have a lot of growth ahead but for the moment this is where I am.